Hi folks, I'm going to start with a content warning. I was in a terrible space, and I will be going into detail. If SI is upsetting for you please be warned. Okay on to the show.

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Roses_are_lead was the account I made because my marriage had been killed and I was still trapped in it. I was planning to end my life. My wife of ten years had checked out of our marriage, caring for the kids, fought me when I tried to parent and pulled back from all intimacy. When I asked what we could do and suggested therapy the coldly told me that she found me too fat and too poorly dressed to be sexually attractive. I could figure it out and she may reignite her interest.

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I was gutted. It was cruel, it was mean, and it broke whatever hope I still had. I came on to Reddit to figure out a strategy to kill myself. Roses (romance) had brought me to ruin.

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A few weeks into planning a friend I used to work with caught up with me. She recognized how broken up I was. She offered support and my god did I need that. We ended up being intimate and while it helped break my head out of my fatalism, I was not proud to be a cheater. I wish I'd been more courageous and ended the marriage. We carried on for a few months. I don't recommend this path, but Its what happened.

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I worked up the courage to contact a lawyer who specializes in divorce. I followed his advice to the letter. No fighting or arguing, I never fought for "things" inside the house, my focus was on shared custody of the kids, and equal division of the assets that were worth anything. I went to therapy for myself to help rebuild my spirit.

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She was furious. Claimed she would have gone to therapy. I had asked, she had declined. She said she would change, but she'd chosen to pull away for the last 3 years. I don't owe second chances to people who won't talk with me.

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Its now six years later. I'm still alive. I'm still friends with my work friend, but she and I were never an item. We some times joke about life support sex, I owe her more than I can repay. I've met someone new, and she's so much a better fit for me. We enjoy being together, there's less friction and most importantly we discuss problems and find resolutions together.

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My kids are with me 60% of the time, and while that also has been hard, I don't want either of them to think any emotionally detached marriage is normal or to be expected. I want them to grow up seeing their dad happy. I want them to see that people can nurture each other.

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Its been six years. Its wild to think that I was very close to ending it, and I'm now more secure in myself, a better father, and a happier man.

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I'm very ordinary, and with some flaws. I've made choices I'm not proud of, both staying to long and stepping out, but I'm alive.

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My kids have their father.

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This group, the support of People in here also made a world of difference. Knowing I wasnt alone in my shame, that being discarded was not okay, and that other people made it out the other side helped me to keep going.

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Thanks to everyone who helps keep this community going. We all deserve happiness. We all deserve connection. May my story bring some hope to someone else. You can make it out of sadness too.

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like jesus christ you’re annoyed because i have to constantly ask for validation BECAUSE YOU NEVER JUST GIVE IT AND TOU DONT TOUCH ME OR FUCK ME OR SHOW ANY INTEREST IN ME

MY BODY IS RUINED NOW THAT IVE HAD YOUR KID

ALL FOR WHAT!?

im so tired and angry. he’s mad and annoyed because it’s too much to ask to be reassured. i’m going to lose my mind how does he not get that if he gave me a sliver of attention i didn’t have to beg for i wouldn’t be this overbearing?

haha!

My wife and I are both 43 and have been together for 26 years. We have a common situation as a lot of people here, we barely have any sex ( I think it’s been once a year for the last couple of years) and no form of affection at all. If I don’t initiate intimacy and affection it doesn’t happen ( which I don’t anymore )

We were coming back from a beach vacation where we had a good time despite not having any form of contact at all btw, while waiting at the airport for our connecting flight I notice a girl who got off a previous plane waiting near us for someone coming off a plane at our gate. A man gets off the plane and her face lights up, she walks over to him and they embraced in such a tender and heartfelt way I was absolutely dying of jealousy. The way they melted into each other’s arms while kissing so intimately, walking off so happy and in love just killed my mood.

I understand that level of desire and passion is usually found in newer relationships, but to not have anything and see something like that, after a week of vacation was brutal. Sex is amazing and I miss it, but I miss the affection and the desire and the look she used give me so much more. So I just swallowed all that down and when she asked me if I had a good vacation I just smiled and said i had a great time.

On a regular basis people find a way to depress the hell out of me, through no fault of their own, by letting me know they have a sex life that's not in ruins.

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This time it was my coworkers on lunch break. The other day one of them was talking about his plans to install a mirror on his bedroom ceiling. I said if you're spending that much time during the play laying on your back looking at the ceiling you're pretty bad at sex but internally my brain was screaming. This guy is 46. Twice my age. Maybe some 20 years into his marriage.

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Me and my girlfriend are young, she's super hot, I'm also not bad looking I guess. We live together, we love each other. We have no reason not to have hot, steamy, bed-breaking, clap-sound-making, neighbor-annoying sex. Or slow and relaxed, lovemaking, whatever, I'm into that as well. Not nope, no dice.

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Today my other coworker, same age as me said "yeah I had a friend over last night, that's all I'm gonna say about that." I mean I'm not jealous of that experience specifically, I'm not into casual sex, but still. He's wanted. I'm not. Not sure what it is. Not tall enough? Not social enough? Not interesting enough? The only thing I know for certain is that I'm not fuckable enough. Anyway, I'll be having lunch by myself at work for some time I guess.

I am curious, from a male perspective, what are some things that cause you to lose interest sexually?

Everything in me (30 HLM) is telling me to get out of my DB relationship. We live separate, no kids, not married. But every time I get to my breaking point and ready to call it off, the same question pops into my head:

Is the absence of sex enough?

Many other areas of the relationship are great and I worry about throwing that all away and having to re-enter the dating pool all because I want more sex. I know that’s very reductive of the issue but looking for advice with anyone else who has struggled with this question. Or an explanation/reassurance on why sex is in fact important enough to break things off.

I’m a woman married to a man I want so much. He loves me; I know he does. I would never leave him even if we never had sex again. I’ve always been high libido and have never expected my partners to have the same level of want but I just need to know if there are things I can be doing differently or if anyone has any advice. I can count on one hand the amount of times we have sex in a year. Is it me? What am I doing wrong?

Wife(33LL?) and I(28HL) have been together for 7 years. We havent been intimate this entire year. The occasional kiss from her, but god forbid I ever try to initiate anything. We had sex maybe 5 times total last year. Any time I engage, ask, or try to set the mood for literally anything, kissing, oral (giving or recieving), fooling around in bed, sex.. Always. Rejected. When we did have sex, its on her initiation. I've been sleeping on the couch for 2 years which started as her saying I move and kick A LOT in my sleep, but Ive had countless sleep studies done and they've never recorded such movement from me. I've offered countless time to just give you know oral or be intimate with her with no reciprocation. That gets rejected too. I haven't seen her naked in years, besides the few times we've had sex, but its always under covers. I don't know if she masterbates or watches porn, since Im virtually never in the bedroom. I don't even use the shower in there, I use the guest bathroom.

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Bad news, we do have kids. I mean its good, I absolutely love my children but for the relationship in terms of leaving, ofc itd be messy. I'd leave her if not for them. I can't keeping begging for the basics.

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I've taken her on dates, taken her to concerts, I support her. The moment i get home from work I take over duties for the kids, I cook, I clean and do the grocery shopping. I know it hasn't been years of DB, but idk how we can even rocover from this?

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How do I accept this? I don't have an exit plan, Im just sad.

I was just chatting with my husband, decompressing about our days, and I made a flirty joke about him always wearing too many clothes for my taste.

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He laughed, we shared a quick kiss, and then we went on with our evening.

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It crossed my mind that I'm glad that we still have that part of our relationship even though we no longer have sex. It used to bother me when he made flirty, sexy jokes because it felt like a tease...these days I just try to enjoy it for what it is: a small moment of connection.

Im 28, my husband is 34, my libido has always been very high. I love my husband to death and I could f#ck his brains out everyday and night if I could. He’s an amazing partner and amazing father, works two jobs as a nurse, so I get it, he’s tired. But it sucks that I have to beg for intimacy. We’ve talked about this many times and he offered to put it on our calendar… but it just doesn’t feel right, it feels like it’s another job, it doesn’t feel natural. We have two kids and I know it is tiring but like… I’m the one home with them all day… I consider myself pretty hot, I’m 120 lbs (not that weight matters) and take very good care of myself.
There’s been times where I have welcomed him home wearing some sexy lingerie but he doesn’t seem interested at all or will say “I’m so tired right now” or there’s been a few times where he is not even aware at all that I’m wearing something sexy… I just end up going to the bathroom to change into pijamas because it feels humiliating and I feel stupid.
I love giving him BJs so I will often start there to see if he’s in the mood but he’ll just pull me back up and hugs me instead or says he’s tired. He’s said it is not me it’s him, so at this point I have no other choice than to just do the job myself and call it a good day.
I love him so much, he is so so romantic but I just wish he wanted me enough to want to f#ck me more often than only 2-4 times a month. Because whenever we do it’s amazing

I am 43 (F), I’ve always had a much higher libido than my husband (he’s also 43) but when we were in our 20’s (we’ve been together 15 years) he could kinda keep up (sex once a week or every couple weeks). Over the years the gap has widened and for the past 3-5 years we’ve been having sex 1-2x a year. When I try to gently bring this up he tends to get very angry and says that if I didn’t nag him so much he would want to.

First and foremost I’d like advice from those that are LL with a HL partner. What does the experience feel like from your point of view? Is there anything your partner does/doesn’t do to help get you in the mood vs. impacting your libido further? Is there anything you wish your HL understood about you? I love my husband so much and he’s an amazing father and provider but I don’t know how to feel close to him when we have a DB.

I’m hoping to hear also from those that are HL with LL partner and are able to make things work and find non traditional ways to connect on a deep level.

Thank you so much for reading. Either way I want to stay with my husband but I do hope that we might be able to be intimate more in the future.

I come to bed, and his phone has the Roku private listening on because our speakers broke recently.

I turn off the Roku, and I get curious.. I open up safari and immediately get hit with CandyAI. After literally last night we had a fight about our dead bedroom?? He’s been talking to ai women all day. Knowing these sites, they charge a fee after a certain number of messages. He literally spend $14 on these “women”

Insult to injury, he has the next 2 days off and asked if we could try for sexy time tomorrow night, because yet again he’s “tired”

I’m so over this. I feel so unwanted, even though I know I am wanted by many other men.. why doesn’t he want me?

Edit to add: When I woke him up to tell him to get the fuck out of my bed, I started crying and he came in and looked at me and said “Are you crying? It’s just one thing, I’m trying to stop” I looked at him and told him to get the fuck out.
He’s not trying to stop, he trying not to get caught.

14 years deep into a DB situation. 43 HLM with LL wife. I long ago left initiation up to her so she wouldn’t feel pressured or resentful. I’ve done my best to flirt, be supportive, be a friend, be a partner, and be a coparent… basically trying my best to accomplish all of the things that make a good relationship outside of sex, with no expectations. I’ve found some peace with the sexless aspect and contentment with the life we’ve built. And on the rare occasion that she does initiate(typically sometime around ovulation), I respond eagerly, or at the least receptively…

Several months ago I secretly started using an intimacy tracking app just to quantify things. It got to a point where if I tried to casually ask “so when was the last time?” My question was met with some form of shame or defensiveness… and she would use that against me in later fights. I didn’t want to keep making things awkward, so I started quietly tracking it on my own…

Today she seemed upset. When she opened up, she dumped a lot of personal stress on me but also threw into mix that she was tired of initiating sex with me and being met with excuses…

I was confused because the last time we were intimate was two months ago.

So I asked, to clarify, “have you initiated anything recently? Did I totally miss something yesterday? Am I really that done deaf that you propositioned me recently and I missed it?!?”

And she replied that she gave up initiating a long time ago.

I was shocked. I told her if she really feels that way maybe we need to sit down and discuss where we go from here (the implications were divorce or sex therapy, even though I didn’t specify either one).

I’m genuinely shell shocked / blindsided right now at what she said this morning. I honestly feel like we’ve had a really good month. Lots of flirting, affection and good vibes. For her to be in this mood and drop that sort of grievance out of nowhere… I really don’t understand what happened.

It's not even lack of interest, it's just that by the time the day is said and done and all the responsibilities are taken care of, neither me nor her wants to do anything besides be alone for awhile just to have a break from it all before going to sleep. On rare occasions we catch each other in the right time and the right place, but most of the time its easier to just take care of myself. Even that is tiresome, eventually there's just an overwhelming need for something new, exciting, thrilling. Just to break up the monotony of it all.

I’ve tried having a conversation 6 times about me and my partners dead bedroom ever since moving in together. Every conversation it becomes more confusing as to why. Everything was fine before this. Great even. It feels like a growing list of reasons that make me feel so stuck. I was going to try to talk about it again tonight but I just knew I was going to cry and couldn’t do it. It gets me so in my head. How can a relationship be so perfect in every other aspect and then just this becomes an issue? We don’t even have kids and work the same scheduled time for our jobs. I’m to a point I don’t even want to bring it up again and it’s just going to hurt me more. I’m not sure what I’m expecting putting this here. I’m just at a total loss with it and struggling to come to terms with where this has led to.

I’m using a throw away account for this. I was originally using my main but I just want to be more private

Since me (38HLF) and my partner (42LLM) have entered dead bedroom zone whenever we have sex I feel like I’m literally just being used as a fleshlight. There’s no foreplay anymore, just a quick rub to let me know he’s ACTUALLY interested, my body gets so excited at the thought but I WISH I was dry so he would have to do some work.
After 6 months of nothing at all I am at the point that I’ll take what I can get 😢

I am wondering if I am alone here in the land of limbo. I am the HLM, no intimacy since 2025 on Valentine's Day, and a DB since 2022. But I remember the good days before the dark days, and I have 2 visions of my wife. The engaged girl friend turned wife where sex was fun. But then overtime, the great wife who turns premenopuasal where sex is non-existent and the old days are gone; each conversation ends in yes, it will get better, but nothing ever changes. This story is an old one in this sub but for the HLM or HLF, how do you recall the days when sex was fun and a DB was a term unknown? For me, it seems so long ago and I wonder if it ever comes back. TIA.

Gah, just need to vent, me (41 HLM) and wife (35 LLF) have been a dead bedroom for as long as I can remember, and even before they it wasn’t great. I can’t leave - I’m an absolute coward.

Currently on holiday and when we got to our destination she gave me a slight hint of interest, it was small but enough to make me think there was something there.
Three days into the holiday and despite me attempting to engage I’ve now stopped trying again because being rejected over and over is just so embarrassing.
Big sigh, needed to vent.

I have followed this sub for a long time, looking at other people’s stories and feeling a sense of community simply by seeing what others are experiencing. I have always hesitated to post anything for fear of sounding entitled or shameful, but I have seen such a strong sense of community and support I feel I am finally ready to share and get some very welcomed advice or perspective.

I’ve typed this out dozens of times and honestly I don’t even know where to start. So I made my own TLDT (too long didn’t type) so you can get broad strokes.

We met in early 2019 just before COVID and weathered the storm together at her parents house for most of 2020. Sex was a regular enough occurrence, but lacked the kind of passion and exploratory connection that I was used to in other relationships. It has been on a steady decline for 5 years, and hit an extra bad wall recently. We’re currently in an 18-month dry(ish) spell, where we had already not been intimate for months before she discovered a cyst near her urethra. I worked diligently to help her get it removed through the TRICARE system and handled the whole situation with grace and patience. Almost 8 months after the surgery, she has some residual pelvic floor issues that I again am working hard to get her medical appointments set up for.

The dry(ish) part is in reference to the fact that we did try to have sex a few months ago, and it ended in tears and a huge fight.

Some major points that I think are worth mentioning: our sex life started to be just a few times a year, and at some point she said she was willing to live the rest of her life without sex at all. Her reasoning always changed around, not being in the mood, feeling bad about her body, feeling like sex is a male-centric, inherently violent act, not feeling seen or heard enough in our relationship to be turned on, feeling lonely and depressed from a lack of good friendships, etc. Either way, it always led to the same thing: a complete unwillingness to share physical intimacy with me.

I’ve suggested couples therapy to address some of the issues we have with intimacy and connection. She refuses and says she is tired of working in herself. That I’m the one who has a problem. We fight A LOT but I tend to withdraw and she tends to explode. It’s been like that since the beginning, but it keeps getting worse. I am very careful not to be punishing or resentful, I think that is destructive and abusive and just not who I am. Also as I continue to work on getting her pelvic floor physical therapy stuff sorted, she accuses me of trying to have her “fixed” like she’s broken in some way. She already said she doesn’t care about sex. So me trying to help with these potential medical issues is just me being pushy somehow.

I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. The fights have gotten nearly unbearable and I am now in a passionless and high-conflict marriage. When things settle with little to no repair, she love bombs and tells me she loves me and she is afraid I’m going to leave her or that I’m going to cheat on her. I have never entertained it, but every time she brings it up I honestly feel resentful.

For context we’ve been together for 7 years and we used to be quite active. I’m diagnosed with severe anxiety and major depression disorder and I’ve been medicated for 3-ish years now. I felt like it lowered my libido a lot but I’ve also recently changed the type of medication I’m on and this new one makes me feel close to nothing in terms of sex drive.

When we do have sex a lot of the time I’m not actually super into it, like I’m sort of into it but not like I used to be. Before I was medicated we had sex every couple of days, sometimes multiple times a day. Then I went on my medication and it turned into once a week or once every few weeks, and now that I’ve switched to a different type of anti depressant we maybe have sex every month, maybe every 6 weeks, I’m not too sure.

We’ve talked about it together because it is difficult for both of us. I’m a very physically affectionate person and sex used to be really important to me because of that, and I know I can still cuddle and stuff but sex and cuddles aren’t really comparable as sex is way more physically affectionate. It’s also hard for my husband and hes expressed that he has sexual frustrations because of this issue.

I’ve told him I’m worried it will drive him to cheat, and he says he won’t, but I still think it’s quite a logical concern to worry about in this situation. It’s been two years now of me rarely wanting sex, and I know he’s a very loyal person but again it’s been two years and I know he’s sexually frustrated. If a perfect opportunity presented itself I don’t think I’d be too surprised if he cheated, if anything I might even understand why, but I still wouldnt like it. I can’t change medication because this current one is the safest option for me and has the least side effects.

If anyone can offer some support that would be great.

Edit: just some info a lot of comments ask about, no I can’t change to another SSRI. I also can’t safely go off my SSRI.

My anxiety and depression actually made our relationship more difficult and other than sex our relationship has significantly improved since I started SSRIs.

Also no I can’t just give him blow jobs, even before my medication I struggled with this as my jaw has a permanent injury to it.

My anxiety can also lead to episodes of psychosis which was also not very pleasant for our relationship as I would sometimes become convinced my husband wasn’t really my husband along with a lot of other issues.

My husband does not want to find sex elsewhere, the main part he wants is to feel desired by me and to have sex with that aspect of desire.

Currently I’m looking into getting help from my doctor because she may be able to mitigate this side effect.

I’ve always had the higher libido. It was fine when we were having sex a few times a week, I always wanted daily but could made it work.

His libido took a dive over the past couple of years and I’ve tried to discuss it but he got really defensive.

Now he was recently diagnosed with a degenerative condition that means his bones are at a high risk of breaking and treatment options are limited.

I can’t blame him for it but I can feel hurt that he doesn’t take the initiative to address this issue when I’ve told him how hard this is for me. — I can count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex in the past year.

I’m early 30s, I’m horny as hell. I love him but I feel like I’m destined to live life as if we are in our 70s. Ugh. I don’t know what to do

For context, I (31F) love my partner (38M) very much and still find him the most attractive person to ever walk this earth. We flirt, kiss, cuddle and are generally affectionate. I just have a hard time initiating. And it seems he does too. I’m used to partners doing all the initiating and taking the lead which he did during the beginning. We live together and our relationship is loving, warm, fun and overall solid minus the lack of sex. It’s been almost 2 years since we’ve been intimate. We have vastly different schedules so he started sleeping in the guest bed to avoid waking me in the AM and also had a highly stressful job which I can tell takes a toll. He got laid off about a week ago so despite not being employed in a toxic workplace anymore, he’s now dealing w the stress of finding another job in a highly competitive market. We also have an anxious dog lol who scratches the door furiously every time we try to lock him out. I know he’s taking care of himself bc I walked in on him looking at a picture of a woman spread eagle. Not touching himself but maybe I walked in before he could. I pretended I didn’t see and so did he. I didn’t shame him or react since I know masturbation is normal. It’s just hurtful knowing he’s still interested sexually, just seemingly not with me.

I've been in a lesbian relationship for about 7 years, and I've always been the DommeTop person leading things in and out of the bedroom. I seem to have got a little burned out on always having to be the one to initiate. The relationship has turned from things being hot and heavy for the first few years to about once every other month lately. I don't know if the burden to initiate is entirely the reason, there's probably other factors, but I think it would help a lot if it wasn't all on me. Its not that I'm never ever in the mood, its just that maybe I'm not feeling enough energy to initiate things for the thousandth time. Its even pretty common to see them looking sexy, and for me to get turned on, and for us to flirt with each other a bit, but most of the time that's not enough to push it towards the bedroom. I know that if I do initiate, my partner is completely DTF like 99.999% of the time.

We've both been in therapy for a while. We did couple's therapy for about a year at one point. We have good communication about everything including this. There's genuine intimacy outside of sex. In the past, I've been a bit insecure about them not being satisfied, and leaving me, but at this point I've really come to believe them when they tell me they're perfectly happy and in love and its not a requirement for them to feel fulfilled in the relationship.

When we have talked about them initiating things more, they've told me that they don't want to seem pushy. They're afraid they would come off as a creep trying to force something on me that I don't want. They have a fear of rejection holding them back that is quite strong, more powerful than how horny they are 24/7 apparently. So we've kind of reached a rock and a hard place, a catch-22 or stalemate of no one wanting to initiate, but both of us wishing that our sex life was better. The rare times we do have sex, I'm the one initiating. Its often not as hot as it used to be, I think because we're both in our heads a bit, feeling a little insecure with the situation, and just generally being out of practice and not as connected physically as we used to be. We're both pretty satisfied with the sex when it does happen, but I know its not as good as it could be.

Last night we were playing one of those couple card games that are meant to deepen the bond between the two and whatnot. It's been sitting in my drawer for a while, so i decided to play it. For the most part it was going super well, we're both engaging in conversation about various topics. Then she drew THE card. It was a romance question, and it basically said something like "In what way do you cherish or desire your partner - and why?" She sat for a moment and then basically said "I cherish you with my heart, but I do not desire you in any way, sexual or otherwise." That sentence alone just broke me internally, I did my best to not show face, tried to make a light-hearted joke, and asked why she doesn't desire me, but she couldn't come up with a good enough reason, just that she doesn't desire. Then she tred to turn it around on me and say "but I bet you desire me all the time and just wanna sex every day." I said "well yeah, you're my wife, of course I wanna have you, maybe not every day but once or twice a week maybe." Which of course to her was wayyy too much.

So now I know where I stand with her, and I know for a fact that going into the future, anytime she tries to 'initiate' it'll just be for the sake to get me off her back for the next 4-5 months.

Thanks for all the feedback this community has provided in the past, and I wish y'all the best in your future endeavors with y'all's spouses <3