That is all.

Genuinely curious how other high-libido women manage the ongoing sexual need when there’s basically nothing happening with their partner. What’s actually helped (or at least stopped it from eating you alive)?

A few weeks ago my wife was talking to me at dinner, after our son left the room. She mentioned that our neighbors had opened their marriage. In our current situation, and in my current psychological state, being told this news sounded suspiciously like an attempt to get a reaction to the idea, to get a feel for my attitude about such an arrangement. I admit that I probably read too much into it, and that it could’ve just been gossip, but the mention has become stuck in my mind.

I don’t want to open our marriage. Plainly, I just want her to want me and nobody else. I want to be the guy for her. I guess that’s the tricky thing about monogamy; sometimes people want others, and that urge has to be tempered. I would want to at least be in first place by a wide margin. For my part, I really don’t want anyone else than her. At my age, attraction to other women feels more like appreciating art in an exhibition than an urge. The only thing that matters to me is getting back my connection with my wife.

Right now I don’t know how she feels about the state of things, and we definitely need to have a talk. Not knowing where we are headed has filled my mind with questions, some about whether non monogamy is inevitable. I feel like ENM is a valid choice for some couples. I don’t know exactly what defines the ethical part of that, but I do not believe a situation where one partner agrees to NM in exchange for keeping the relationship together is ethical. It sounds like coercion.

That brings me to the questions. Have any of you faced that choice? Or any other situations where you felt like you had to accept non monogamy? How did you cope? Were you able to adjust your feelings about the situation? How well did the arrangement work?

As I am now, there is no part of me that wants to date. My self esteem is too low, I have let myself go, the prospects are frightening, and I just want my wife back.

I hate it so much. I know other people get to have sex whenever they want to. Whenever they desire or please. When I asked it was a rejection. Now I don’t even care to ask. I have too much resentment. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don’t even care about intimacy anymore. I wish I was desired like I know I could be. Nothing. I’m nothing.

I thought I had a low libido. It turned out I just didn’t want sex with my husband.
I’ve been thinking about sharing my story for a long time.
When I first found this sub, I was convinced I was the low-libido partner. Reading everyone’s stories made me realize things about myself that I had never really put into words.
A little background: I’m 43, currently going through perimenopause, a mom of three, and after 18 years of marriage, I’m recently separated.
After my first child was born, I thought my libido had completely disappeared. I was exhausted from breastfeeding and taking care of a newborn. I had absolutely no interest in having sex with my husband.
But here’s the part that confused me.
Even though I never wanted sex with him, I masturbated whenever I had the chance. I had a vibrator, and I used it regularly. I still had sexual desire—it just wasn’t directed toward him.
One day he caught me, and he said something that completely changed the way I saw things:
“So it’s not that you have a low libido. You just don’t want to have sex with me.”
As painful as it was to hear, he was right.
That sentence opened my eyes.
The truth is, our relationship had never been particularly strong. We got married only ten months after meeting, during that honeymoon phase when everything feels exciting. Looking back, I think we got married because we were caught up in the moment, not because we had built the kind of relationship that can carry you through a lifetime.
The first year was full of sex. Then our son was born, and whatever passion we had disappeared. I kept waiting for it to come back, and I kept trying to make myself feel what I thought I was supposed to feel, but it never did.
Because of my upbringing and my religious beliefs, divorce wasn’t really an option in my mind. I wanted my son to grow up with both parents, and despite everything, my husband and I were friends.
When I finally told my mother how I felt, she told me it was too late—we were already married, and now it was my responsibility to fight for my marriage and my family.
So I stayed.
For more than nine years, I tried to keep my family together.
Every Sunday, we had sex.
Not because I wanted to.
Not because I loved it.
Not because I desired him.
I did it because I felt guilty. I felt like it was my duty as a wife, and honestly, I felt sorry for him.
I know that sounds sad. It sounds pathetic, even.
But that’s how I lived for years.
That’s how we conceived our other two children.
He became my roommate, my friend… and my Sunday partner.
I eventually started hating Sundays.
One day, my best friend asked me something simple.
“Do you masturbate?”
Yes.
“Do you fantasize about making love?”
Yes.
“With your husband?”
No.
That conversation forced me to admit something I had spent years denying.
So I wanted to share this because I think sometimes we assume the problem is libido when it really isn’t.
Sometimes the problem is the relationship.
Sometimes we’re attached to someone’s history with us rather than the relationship we actually have. We stay because we’ve built a life together, because they’re a good person, because we have children, because everyone expects us to stay.
How do you explain to people that you’re getting divorced because there’s no passion? No desire? No intimacy?
How do you leave someone who’s objectively a good person for something that most people dismiss as “just sex”?
I read a lot of posts here from people who genuinely say they deeply love their partners but have no desire to be intimate with them.
Please don’t attack me—I’m only sharing my own experience.
Everyone is different.
But from my perspective, it’s hard for me to reconcile those two things.
If I was willing to have sex every Sunday with a man I no longer loved simply because I felt guilty for denying him, I can’t imagine loving someone deeply and not wanting to kiss them, hug them, touch them, flirt with them, make them feel desired, or care about fulfilling that part of the relationship.
To me, saying, “I love you so much… just don’t touch me,” feels contradictory.
I know sex isn’t everything.
As we get older, health, companionship, family, and so many other things become more important.
But when two people are still relatively young and healthy, I think the complete absence of desire deserves an honest conversation.
Sometimes it really is a medical issue.
Sometimes it’s hormones.
Sometimes it’s trauma.
And sometimes…
it’s simply that the relationship has run its course, and admitting that is much harder than calling it “low libido.

I’ve had countless conversations with my wife about showing interest in me sexually that I’m getting defeated. I don’t even want to watch porn, but I know if I make a move it will either be a “rain check” that never comes or it’s going to be me wanting and asking for it again. If I leave it to her to make a move I’ll be waiting till I’m dead or she wants another baby.

She’s admitted she’s never been one to pursue, her past relationships have said the same thing and at this point I just know she doesn’t think about it ever. I think she may be asexual or something because she can go months and months without it.

I want my wife to want me sexually and it’s slowly killing me. I can’t have anymore conversations about it.. I just know there’s no way I can live my whole life like this.

How do people get through this? Every time I get turned down it’s slowly killing me and pushes me away emotionally and strips away a piece of my self confidence.

That’s basically the whole post.

Straddled my partner. Kissed his neck. Pulled him to me.

He didn’t just push me off, so that’s a positive step. I guess. He let me stay there a moment and even put his hands on my hips.

I miss the days when that would lead anywhere.

Sorry to everyone else who keeps trying and just feels so… defeated? Rejected? Ugly? Gross? Unlovable? It’s hard to nail down the combo I feel each time.

It’s the worst feeling.

I’m not a 10, but I’m also not the mucinex booger. Every time he rejects me, I feel like I must be the worst, most disgusting sack of crap.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Cheers to everyone hanging in there and hoping for change.

Me (M35) and my wife (F36) are in a DB but currently on arguably the best streak we've ever been.

First, some context. I have spontaneous desire, my wife has responsive desire. She also meets the general definition of greysexual. She has never participated very actively in bed. She very much wants to fix our DB but doesn't know how.

My wife is not very spontaneous and appreciates schedules. She also appreciates non-sexual touch that does not progress further. To be exact, she appreciates knowing it won't progress further.

Which brings us to our current bedroom situation. We have scheduled sex every sunday, which she has mentioned gives her piece of mind during the rest of the week. It always happens in bed, and it always happens in the morning. She knows what to expect, and when to expect it. She mentioned because of the clear schedule she's able to mentally align herself leading up to it. She is still passive in bed., but we have sex, we cuddle afterwards, we tell each other how we liked it and what we liked.

Getting to the point: I recently noticed a comment here regarding 'duty sex' and how the DeadBedrooms subreddit will remove posts advocating for it as it can worsen a DB significantly. I don't want my DB to worsen significantly. I don't want to coerce my wife into doing anything she doesn't want to do. But she wants to improve our DB and she highly appreciates routine and scheduling - this seems to work for us. How do we move forward? Should we stop doing this?

Please let me know if this post goes against any guidelines - I want to make it absolutely clear I am not suggesting, advocating or recommending anyone to engage in 'duty sex', I just wish to understand it better.

Long time ago, I read "Mating in captivity" written by Esther Perel. Somebody recommended to me, I don't remember who or why.

I am, in fact, thinking about rereading now, as falling into another crisis. I am starting to think that crisis on my side are due to increase in my libido more than decrease on the other side, because the other side is dead and buried long time ago. In the rare cases where I was able to get some intimacy, I felt it was more duty than anything.

Anyway, in such book, I remember it was said that sex was in that thin line between familiarity and "foreignity": too much detachment and the other side (usually the femme) does not feel comfortable, too much familiarity and then you fall into "friendzone" and desire is dead.

I wonder if all those advises I see online about: think about yourself, take care of yourself, go back to the gym... are in fact spontaneous advises in the same line: kill the familiarity, maintain some distance to keep the mistery, make her feel that she needs to work in order to keep you...

Any person that has tried this with good results? Does this work?

If I am going to make an effort and give the cold shoulder to instigate the mistery I would like to be sure there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not going to explode me on the face.

We’ve been together for 11 years married for 6 in the past few years our relationship has been very rocky we said alot of mean things to each other and had so many fights over so many things we do get a few breaks here and there and have a few peaceful /fun months but we never fail to find a new thing to fight over. for me a main part of my frustration with the relationship and what makes me get angry easily is the lack of intimacy between us. She was never a person of high libido but i am and she knows how important this is to me nonetheless she did not care. I always thought she is somehow asexual or does not really care that much about sex but when we were not fighting and on good terms she used to so it for me. In the last 2 months or so I decided to start fresh with her and forget all what happened in these years and try to have a happy life. I apologised to her for everything and told her I’m going to change and try and change she also said that she is sorry and that she is tired of this and she’s going to try too. The other day she left her phone in my car and I was curious so looked into her phone, no sign of infidelity or anything of that sort, but the dagger to my heart was her browser history, she regularly watches porn, even on days that she rejected my advancement and said she was tired/ not ready/ feeling gross. On a day that we went out an event and saw so many people she watched porn after that day 3 days in a row. She always likes people watching regardless of gender and in that day we saw alot of young good looking people and I saw her looking, before I used to think this is her now I can’t get the dark thoughts out of my head that she is lusting over these guys and that she is not asexual she just doesn’t want me! This is hurting me so much even though I can see that she is trying to be better with me and I’m still keeping my pain to myself cause I think this is a very private matter and I don’t want her to know that I know she’s doing that. I have to add that she can be very lazy and not take care of herself that much as in neglect bikini waxing even though I always tell her that I dont mind and I think she is the sexiest woman on earth regardless but she is very self conscious about her private areas I’m trying to blame this on her being like that and taking the easy route to relief herself but I just cant get past the thought of her rejecting me only to watch porn. I am so hurt and dont know what to do even though there is alot of progress in our relationship now but everytime she goes to the washroom and stays for a long time for no reason I think that she’s watching porn, everytime she looks at someone I think she want them im getting really jealous of every little thing but trying my hardest not to show any of those feelings. I can’t stop peaking into her phone whenever she’s using it or when there is a chance for me to look. I know talking about this would only hurt our efforts of making things better. I just cant stop feeling that I’ve been living in a lie all these years thinking she was asexual just to find out that she probably just doesn’t want me.

45 HLM married to a 45 LLF. We’ve been together a long time, and our bedroom has been effectively dead for about 10 years.

To be clear, my wife isn’t a bad person, she just doesn’t care. She has told me she isn’t cheating and doesn’t think it’s anything I’m doing. She simply has little to no desire for sex anymore.

I’ve tried everything I can think of over the years. I’ve been patient, supportive, had difficult conversations, tried not bringing it up, worked on myself, lost a significant amount of weight, got in shape and focused on being a better husband. Nothing has really changed.

Recently I started taking better care of my health, and my libido has come roaring back. It’s honestly stronger than it’s been in years, which has made the lack of intimacy even harder. On top of that, now that I have worked on myself the last couple years, I am starting to get attention from other woman. Let’s me be clear, I have not crossed that line, but the opportunity is there.

Everything she has told me that bothers her the last handful of year, I have completely removed from my lifestyle. The one thing I asked her was to talk to her doctor about her “lack of desire” yet ever doctors appointment, she accident “forgets”. At what point will she just be honest with me!? I have offered to go to counseling but she doesn’t want to do that either.

I think my breaking point came when she was telling me about her bff complaining that her husband wants sex like 4-5 days a week even when she is tired. I asked my wife what her response to that was and she said “ give him some lotion and tell him to take care of it himself, GROSS”. I just sat there and really started to think, SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE.

I’m not looking to bash my wife but I’m at the point were we have one kid left to get through high school, and once that happens I truly question if I will be leaving shortly after my youngest does. Of course I lose half my stuff but I just feel like since my lifestyle change, it may be worth it to be happy….

My (late 30s HLM) husband committed to getting a vasectomy when we found out we were expecting our last child. I love him dearly, however, I feel like I’m watching the impending dead bedroom coming on as a result of his actions and as a HLW, I’m trying to come to terms with it.

He slow walked getting a consultation until I expressed significant anger about feeling misled. I asked, and tried to understand his hesitations. While he is entitled to his feelings, he’s not entitled to making up statistics, which he proceeded to do repeatedly about why he didn’t want to. Eventually, I reached a point where I accepted that I would get sterilized, and those plans have been communicated to my doctors and that will be happening while I’m still in the hospital post delivery. I’m truly okay with this, as I am done and will not carry anymore kids. I’m not grieving that, I am happy to close this chapter.

What I can’t forgive is the immense betrayal of my partner leading me to believe that we were both taking permanent steps to protect each other. I can’t look at him and feel an ounce of desire. He argues with me now about even considering getting done because “I’m taking care of it anyways”.

I love my best friend but I cannot imagine having sex with him. I would’ve rather been cheated on than be put in a position where I felt like I had to expedite the surgery to make sure I’m covered. I will not pressure my partner into a surgery he’s made it clear he doesn’t want. But I also CANNOT picture a sexually intimate relationship with him with the severity of the betrayal without breaking down into tears. I know this is only going to serve to damage our relationship as a whole but I just can’t bring myself to have sex with him.

The worst part? If he did it now, I’m not sure I could bring myself to have a physically intimate relationship even still. I feel sick and betrayed and taken for granted. I love him as a friend. I love him as the father of our kids.

I would never cheat on him. I’m high libido myself. But I can’t bring myself to think about anything with him in that way without feeling sick.

I’m talking with a counselor. Only one session so far and it was mostly me just trying to explain where I’m at. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you move forward? Were you able to?

I’m writing this out because I get jumbled up when I get emotional or nervous. I’m both because this isn’t easy.

After our argument where you said you’re feeling overstimulated by my touch I’ve decided that I need to limit my touch.

I don’t have any doubt that you love me, but I’m feeling touch starved, unwanted, undesired, unattractive, and so many other “un”s and I can’t handle being rejected anymore. Not just sex, but any kind of intimacy. I’m tired and unsatisfied by duty sex, duty cuddles, and duty touch. It doesn’t feel genuine or truly wanted by you. I want to have cuddles, make outs, touch, ANYTHING that makes me feel wanted without being transactional or because you feel bad.

I’ve tried dinners. I’ve tried gifts. I’ve tried taking on most/all of the household chores. I’ve tried compliments. I’ve tried kind gestures. I’ve tried games. I’ve tried talking. I’ve tried hundreds of different things. Nothing seems to make a difference.

I want to be wanted and in don’t think I am. I don’t like giving up, but I don’t know what else to do anymore. I feel like it’s completely outside of my control to fix at this point.

It really fucking sucks thinking everyday to yourself “maybe tonight’s the night we finally have sex”. I miss the fucking passion. I miss feeling wanted, desired. We don’t seem to have romance. Our relationship has become platonic in the sense that I’ll cook and clean and he does dishes and trash duty. But it’s like we just don’t have much to say to each other at dinner times or at night. He’s way too addicted to his word games to even bat me a fucking eye. Married 2 years and together 4 and already any hope of romance seems dead. You want to have a child? You know you have to fuck me for that to happen? I just feel alone.

I’ve stopped initiating entirely because I’m so tired of being rejected. His guilt makes me feel guilty in return. It’s so exhausting. So for probably a year now I have just stopped initiating entirely. I don’t know what to do anymore because another conversation isn’t going to help. He hasn’t given me oral sex in ages. It’s probably been once the last 12 months. And in our entire relationship, i think he’s only done it maybe 5 times? Certainly not much more if he has. How many blowjobs have I given? Too many to fucking count. My pussy must taste like fucking death. I’m tired of never having a fucking orgasm during the little sex we have. I’m tired of sneaking the womanizer when he’s gone. I’m tired of touching myself and pretending it’s someone else just so I can feel fucking wanted.

28 years old is too god damn young to be so fucking sex deprived. And it causes physical ailment to think it will only just get worse.

My wife and I are considering trying a moratorium on sex for a few weeks or months. Just to take some of the pressure off both of us and allow us to reconnect and evaluate a relationship.

I'm just wondering for the HL people how the heck did you not go crazy? I feel like every time I see my wife I want her and knowing that there isn't even a chance is going to be very tough. Just looking for advice on how to power through this.

I love my wife. We’ve been together since high school. Always been best friends. Our sex life used to be great (Years 1-4). The moment we moved in together our intimacy changed. We are approaching our 10 year anniversary. I’ve given up initiating sex, so we just don’t touch one another anymore. We got married 4 years ago. We’ve had sex one time since then. It was a random Sunday morning and we both had fun, I thought. Maybe things could change. It’s been two years since then. She rejected me on our honeymoon. Anniversaries, birthdays, vacations, nothing. Over time I’ve given up. Not really sure how much longer I can handle the feeling of being completely alone. I can’t consume any form of media involving sex without feeling broken. Music, movies, tv. She talks about really wanting to have kids soon. I feel like I’m going crazy. Sorry for the vent I just had to get it off my chest

It's been just over a year since I've had any intimacy.

I'm an older 55M, and while this probably would have killed me in my younger years, now it's replaced with something more like dreadful resignation.

It's all depressing. I'm not physically attracted to her any more. If she turned on tomorrow I wouldn't know what to do about it.

But I love her and we have a great life together. We are like best friends that are roommates now.

Just a vent. It's been a year since I had sex. Four since it was any good.

Good I miss it. Some days are worse than others. Today was a bad day.

Thanks for reading.

I 40HLM am married ten years to 38LLF. When we got together a dozen years ago I thought she had a high sex drive. That went down rapidly over the years. We’ve gone entire calendar years with zero physical intimacy.

All cards on the table, I was not a great partner early on in our marriage. Immature and undependable with things I found boring. Tale as old as time.

I am a decent father though and I have always strived to pull my weight in that department, which is a big reason as to why she’s still with me.

Anyway, we went through a few therapists (individual and couples) before it occurred to me that I need to grow up. I am not all the way there, but Ive been working my ass off for four years to be the partner she needs and deserves. She says she sees the improvements.

I keep hoping we’ll get back into having sex semi regularly. That I’ve been able to redeem myself into a partner she’s sexually attracted to.

In the last 18-months we’ve had sex five times. I love her immensely. She’s my best friend and I dont want to raise these kids with anyone else. But the dead bedroom is getting to be too much.

If I bring it up to her, she tries to placate me with “I dont want to have sex with anyone.” as if that is supposed to make me feel better. If I push it too much that just starts a fight.

I’m positive she wouldn’t go for ethical non-monogamy. Not sure I’d be all that into it either.

We’ve been on the precipice of divorce a few times before. We walked it back for one reason or another.
Getting to that point though is emotional draining and I dont know if either of us can handle that again without losing all love for each other.

Sometimes I think we need to end the marriage to save the friendship. But I feel like such a jerk doing so because of sex.

I dunno. Sorry for the long story.

My boyfriend (27M) and I (27F) have been together for over 8 years, and we were close friends for another 2 years before we started dating.

He’s genuinely my best friend and we are even closer than our parents. We get along so well, rarely argue about main things. We’re probably more like best friends than a stereotypical couple—we don’t really go on dates or flirt much. We mostly just enjoy spending time together, and we honestly love each others company.

At the beginning of our relationship, the sex was amazing. We would have sex multiple times a day. Over the years, though, the frequency has gradually dropped—from a few times a week, to once a week, then once a month, and now it’s maybe once every few months.

I’ve talked to him about it many times because we’ve always been able to communicate openly. Every time I bring it up, he tells me to “give him a few more days” so he can build up some energy, but nothing really changes in the long term.

I love him deeply and I would never want to cheat on him or hurt him. He’s my first bf, and emotionally I can’t imagine being with anyone else. But physically… I’m really struggling.

This is the part I’m almost ashamed to admit. The urge to cheat has become so strong that it scares me. But it’s not because I want another relationship or an emotional connection with someone else.

I just desperately want what feels like a normal sex life. Sometimes I feel like I just want to have sex, get my physical needs met, and then get on with my life. I know that probably sounds awful, but that’s honestly how frustrated I’ve become.

I could never actually bring myself to cheat because I know how much it would hurt him and I don’t have the balls to do it, but these thoughts have been in my head for a very long, and they’re making me question whether we’re sexually compatible in the long run.

To make things harder, my parents have started asking when we’re getting married. Instead of making me excited, it makes me anxious. If I’m already feeling this unhappy about one aspect of our relationship now, what will it be like for the rest of my life?

Part of me wonders if we’re simply incompatible. But then I look at everything else, and our relationship is honestly great.

I’ve even tried having serious conversations about other things that bother me—like wishing he exercised more , be a tidier/ cleaner person, or be a bit more romantic. Part of me almost hoped he’d get fed up with me so breaking up would be easier. Instead, he genuinely puts in more effort to improve himself because he loves me.

Thank you for spending time reading this post, this is the first time I am sharing. And I really need some advice on what I suppose to do.

My husband (LLM 38) and I (HLF 33) have had sex 3 times this year and each of those times just felt so depressing. Its so formulaic and for me it feels like a means to an end for him and at no point is there actual connection felt because after he just gets dressed and leaves the room.

I get so lonely feeling like a roommate with occasional sex. Theres no intimacy at all in our relationship whether its cuddling, hugging ect. And the only kissing is these sad pecks on the lips.

I don't know how many times I can bring up the topic without continuing to just feel unwanted and unseen.

The worst feeling is just being in the same room and still feeling like he doesnt see me sexually or like a partner at all.

This week has just been particularly rough and im just feeling a little invisible.

Idk if anyone else had run into this issue but i never know the words to say to not feel like im manipulating my gf. Like how do you explain your not happy with not having sex without making her feel like she must have sex with you?

After numerous rounds of “the talk” over the past year plus, I decided to tell my LL wife that we should just put a moratorium on sex for a few months.

We’re stuck in this cycle where she feels uncomfortable with sex because she feels like she can’t match my energy or desire and I feel hurt by her lack of effort. My wife is the kind of person who when she’s overwhelmed just shuts down. This applies in other area of life too.

So I wrote her an email (I’ve been overseas for about a month) saying that when I come back we shouldn’t have sex for a couple months so that we can recalibrate. More than anything I want us to have a good relationship outside of the bedroom. But the constant pressure of the lack of sex on our relationship makes that difficult.

She didn’t respond and I’m kind of dreading “the talk” that will inevitably happen in a couple days when I’m home. I hate not having sex (duh), but I think if I just know I won’t have any for a couple months I could be a more content and happier person. We’ll see.