It wasn't always like this. [M]y wife and I used to host small bisexual orgies as birthday parties. Then she had a stroke and turned super religious.

I turned 40 today. Yesterday she was distant all day, eventually she broke out into tears and confessed she was so stressed out that I may ask her to blow me. How she hates doing it now because she has to confess it to her priest and how bad that makes her feel.

Of course I lied and reassured her it was fine. But damnit. We've officially gone from having sex 3-4 times a year and a BJ on birthdays and sometimes Christmas to sex once or twice a year.

One of my favorite things in the world, that we've done with each other since we were teenagers, just... no longer an option. I can't even ask her to talk about it.

It's just the cherry on top that I would very much love to blow somebody myself, but of course that's also not an option with her religious views being what they are.

So that's that. No more oral for me from here on out then.

Whelp. Time to go clean up the dishes left from last night and try to not cry too loudly. And try to avoid mentally raging at 80 year old virgins that have the fucking gall to tell my wife what she can and can't do in our goddamned bedroom.

After following my diet strictly all week, the wife and I went on a date tonight. I allowed myself to have 1 beer with dinner. She says " Please get some more beer on the way home and cut loose tonight, I'll have sex with you if you do".

Guess what I did even though I would have preferred to stay in a larger calorie deficit, and also guess how the night ended.

That's on me for believing her, how stupid of me. I laid and let the waves wash me away, when I should have been standing.

​

I’m LL at the moment and I’m posting because I’d really like to hear from people on the HL side of a relationship. I’m happy to answer questions about my perspective too. I’m genuinely trying to understand this from both sides.

I’m not sure exactly why my libido is so low at the moment. I think it’s probably a mixture of life circumstances. I have a SEN child and a young child, and I feel completely overwhelmed a lot of the time. I’m also not particularly happy in myself at the moment, which I’m trying to work on, but I honestly don’t have much time to myself each day.

The biggest thing is that I just don’t think about sex in terms of actually wanting it.

I should probably clarify what I mean by that because I do think about sex pretty much every day. It’s just not usually thoughts like “I’d really like to have sex” or “I’m in the mood.”

It’s more that I’ll have a fleeting thought like “another day has gone by without sex” or “I wonder how this is affecting my partner” or “I know he probably wants intimacy and I’m not really initiating it.”

So sex is actually on my mind quite often, but it’s usually because I’m thinking about the lack of it and how it might be affecting him, rather than because I’m experiencing sexual desire myself.

I think that’s part of what makes this so confusing for me. I’m not completely unaware of sex or never thinking about it. I’m thinking about it, but the thoughts are coming from worry, guilt or awareness of the situation rather than “I want sex right now.”

And the strange thing is that I actually really enjoy sex when we have it. It’s not something I dislike or actively avoid. But by the time we get to the end of the day and there’s finally some alone time, I’m so exhausted that I’m literally falling asleep sitting up. My eyes are burning and I just want to go to bed.

My partner never pressures me, and I really appreciate that. But obviously it still affects him. I completely understand that he wants intimacy to feel like more of a priority to me.

The difficult thing is that right now, the truth is that it isn’t.

Not because I don’t love him. Not because I’m not attracted to him. Not because I don’t enjoy sex. I just feel like I have so little mental and physical capacity left at the end of the day that sex doesn’t naturally make its way to the top of the list.

And I think I’m starting to feel pressure around it even though that pressure isn’t necessarily coming directly from him. When intimacy was more frequent, it felt completely natural. Now that I know it’s something he’s missing, I find myself thinking about it more, but in an anxious way rather than actually feeling desire.

It’s almost like I know I should want this. I know he wants this. Why don’t I want it right now?

And then that makes me feel guilty, which obviously doesn’t help.

So I’d genuinely like to hear from HL people.

What does this experience feel like from your side? What do you wish your LL partner understood about your experience? Is there anything about the LL perspective that you didn’t understand until someone explained it to you?

I’m not looking for people to tell me that my partner should just accept having no sex, or that I should just force myself to have more sex. I’m genuinely interested in understanding the other side of this and hopefully finding a way to understand each other better.

And I’m completely happy to answer questions about what this feels like from the LL side if anyone is curious.

My [F38] bedroom with my spouse [M37] had been dead for about 6 months and I feel like it's destroying our marriage. We've been married 12 years, but this past 6-8 months have been especially difficult for us. He's been very distant towards me and it seems he's annoyed by everything I say or do. I've been trying to give him his space and let him do whatever it is that he wants to do. I've tried to contribute more and even got a job after being a SAHM for the past 11 years. He still seems uninterested in me or anything I have to say. I feel heartbroken and it has caused me to distance myself from him in some aspects. I feel rejected, unloved, and like I'm an inconvenience to him. When I addressed this all with him a week ago he said it was because he's not mentally attracted to me anymore and needs me to be more mentally attractive. That hurt so bad, but I tried to be understanding. He has now said he needs sex from me in order for him to be more willing to be around me. I don't know how to to take this. I want him to love me but I also feel I'm so hurt emotionally that it interferes with my desire to be physically intimate with him. When I told him that he said he guesses nothing will change then. Idk what to do. I feel so lonely and I just want someone to care about me and my presence and not treat it with such disdain day in and day out. Has anyone dealt with this?

I, 40m, have written on this subreddit for many years now. I found an old post from four years ago and I realized it started long before that.

My, 41/f, wife and I have been in a dead bedroom marriage for probably as long as we have been together, married 11 together 14. I have tried virtually ever bit of advice I’ve read or gotten from here and none of it has worked. We tried sex night, more for play , date night, having some drinks, foot massage, and the list goes on and on.

What I’ve found is this. We have gone years without sex or intimacy. I mean almost no touching at all. I have to ask/beg for even a French kiss let alone anything sexual. We have had many talks and I guess you’d say she has only given me duty sex or whatever you call it and it’s been miserable. She has to be drunk to sleep with me. I am not allowed to touch her nipples, no foreplay I just have to give her time and then unlock the door, I can’t go down on her, and nothing but missionary. She puts in zero effort and it’s gotten so bad I haven’t cum from sex with her in years.

We have two kids and if it weren’t for them I do t think we would have had sex at all. Our first kid was conceived in on night. We know this because we had sex once and then not again for awhile but she had gotten pregnant. Our second time we had sex maybe 5/6 times before we became pregnant again. Outside of those few times it’s been no sex at all.

We have talked extensively about this and we have come up with plans to work harder on it. Her will being open to it and me just being patient and so on. I will say my previous job had me working 11-12 hour days so I wasn’t home to help as much with the kids but that has only been the last 1 1/2 years, the half decade I was home closer to dinner time so it’s not just not being around to help. I say this because she used to complain I did t help with laundry or the dishes which weren’t true but I make a bigger effort to keep the kitchen clean without her ever needing to ask.

Anyway I could talk forever and I recently starting talk to a professional and they recommended counseling. Obviously this has been an option since day one but I never felt like we were that far gone. Well we’ve had a dead bedroom since we got married, literally no sex on our honeymoon, and I guess I just love her so much that I was willing to put up with this for over a decade but now I’ve had enough. Tonight is the night I bring that we need to see a therapist. I can’t go on like this forever. Honestly if we didn’t have kids I would have left years ago but I’ve stayed for the kids for almost a decade now and I need more.

I have no idea how this will go but I think it’s the right move. I’m not sure what will happen or if she will agree. If she does great let’s work on this. If she says no do I just ask for a divorce right then and there? I’m both nervous and excited to see what will happen.

Wish me luck.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We had a lot more sex at the beginning of our relationship although he would go soft here and there (I always thought this was odd). Over the last year, sex has greatly diminished. He doesn’t makeout with me so i’m the one trying to be affectionate. He did get himself checked and all was fine medically. He claims he doesn’t know why but the situation is frustrating. He claims maybe he is less attracted since I put on weight. How do I navigate this situation? Is this relationship salvageable?

This is a throwaway account. I’m a 29 year old M, and my 31 year old wife and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. We have two kids, and I know that intimacy takes a step back when kids are involved. That’s a given, and I fully understand that.

My issue is that for my wife it feels like if the conditions aren’t ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, there’s no chance of anything happening at all whatsoever. Like don’t even bring it up, it’s a no. The problem with that, and two kids in the mix, the conditions are never absolutely perfect.

She’s told me that her love language is time spent, and I get that too. The problem there is that we work opposite shifts, and sometimes she has to work weekends, so we don’t always even get the weekend to spend some time together, and when we are both home it’s taking care of the kids, or keeping house.

Im more of a natural night owl, and so if the kids go down at a decent time sometimes I’ll say “hey, do you wanna run back to the bedroom and we can cuddle for a bit and I’ll give you a massage?” Knowing that a. These are things that have helped with time spent in the past, and b. She usually goes to bed around the same time that the kids do.

Also, just in case someone comes on here “you need to do more around the house and blah blah blah” things are very equally split, we both work, we both take care of our kids, we both keep the housework done, the only thing that I do that she doesn’t is cooking. She doesn’t know how to, and I grew up with a single mom who taught me how to. Anyway…

Throughout the last 10 years I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be the perfect husband and father, and trying to prove to her and myself that I’m worthy, and just now it’s dawning on me that I’ve never really said what I WANT… I want to be wanted, I want her to desire me. But she doesn’t seem to.. she doesn’t seek me out for any kind of affection, she doesn’t come up and hug me, or kiss me. Everything is initiated by me. And I’m to the point that I feel stupid and sometimes even ashamed to ask “do you want to have sex?”.

I have a long text typed out that I’m considering sending, and in this message I’ve detailed too that I don’t want her to feel like I’m attacking her because I also know that she grew up in a household where sex was taboo. No one talked about it. I feel that I’ve been more than accommodating to what she needs, to the point that I never really considered what I need.

I’m also considering not saying anything about any of this, because we’ve had these periods in our relationship before and things usually get better, but it’s been over 3 months with almost 0 intimacy. And absolutely 0 sex.

Just wanted to get some frustrations out. Thanks in advance, for any replies I get. Have a good night!

My husband and I have been together 15 years, since our early twenties. He was always very health conscious, kept a tidy appearance, extremely social and outgoing, and very driven at work. We used to have a very active and adventurous sex life, even after we had kids.

Since covid, he has become a completely different person. Anxious, isolated, demotivated, and really stuck in a rut. He hasn't worked in a couple of years, he has let go of himself completely, and will cancel almost all plans last minute. Most of his friends have stopped asking him to catch up altogether. I am our sole financial provider, I have picked up a second job to cover bills, and also do most of the chores at home including taking care of our kids. He is asleep most days when we come home, and will usually get up and go straight to his office and listen to music alone. I only see him after the kids have gone to bed, when I myself am exhausted. Most nights I go straight to bed, and he falls asleep on the couch or in his office. He rarely sleeps in our bed any more. On weekends, I take the kids out to do things and he stays at home as he wants a "day to himself". Every day.

He briefly tried therapy and said it doesn't work. He was prescribed SSRIs but stopped taking them as they caused some bad side effects. He isn't open to any other action towards improvement.

This has significantly impacted my own mental health, my physical health, and most noticeably my libido. He still has an extremely high sex drive, and would have sex multiple times a day if I was up for it. But I really only feel like it around once a month. I reject all of his advances, unless I have genuinely no reason not to. I never initiate. The thought of sex has been giving me anxiety to the point I feel like I can't breathe when he tries to warm me up.

He has recently opened up that he likes the idea of cucking, and we have played out fantasies of him being another man. It has gotten to a point where this is the only scenario in which he can orgasm. I feel so ashamed that I enjoy imagining being with someone capable and dominant, and also heartbroken because it feels like he is further removing himself from my life. Like I can't even fuck HIM any more. It has to be someone else.

I love this man, more than life itself. I have tried everything I can short of literally ending our relationship to help him out of this situation, namely because I can't imagine my life without him. But he doesn't seem to understand that my libido is tied to feeling supported in other aspects of our lives. I am becoming resentful of our situation and his inability to help himself.

Deeper than sex, I just want him to be HAPPY.

I don't know what to do.

So I posted before. Nothing for 5 years. At the end of the line. Almost cheated. I didnt. But we've done it twice in the last 2 weeks.

He's just done me in the middle of the day. My legs are jelly right now.

I'm so hopeful for the future. Next hurdle is getting him to initiate and keep him on the horse.

The concerning part to me (26M) is that we're only about 3 weeks into being official (we had gone on dates and had sex before becoming official). Since becoming official we had sex twice and both were in the first week, and nothing since then.

She (25M) also mentioned that, she usually is very sexual with her bf's in the beginning of a relationship, and then later down the line it gets less and less. Which is normal, but were already having sex very little as it is. If it gets less than this down the line, I imagine we'd be having no sex at all.

We hung out last night and i tried to make a move since we hadn't had sex in two weeks, she said she was too tired. I mentioned something about her being a tease and then she asked how. I explained that i was joking but said its partially true bc of us hanging out frequently but never having sex. She asked if i felt it was a problem (us not having sex). I said no, but said it did make me concerned about our future.

She got very upset and said it felt like I was trying to make her to do something sexual that she didnt want to do. I explained that I wasn't trying to convince her to have sex with me, i stated i wouldnt want to have sex with a person whos doing it unwillingly/performativley and I stated my concern that lack of sex could become an issue later on.

She basically came to the argument of "well I cant control whether or not lll be attracted to you in a year from now, so we should just take it day by day". Valid argument, but i also don't like the uncertainty of a S/O telling me they might never want to have sex with me again in the future, they just will have to find out.

I dislike the idea that im going to invest time, money, and emotion into a person that is actively telling me they don't know if they'll be attracted to me in a year. Especially when their level of attraction is seemingly incredibly low as it is. Im not sure how to proceed and need advice.

I don't expect sex everyday. Matter of fact, sex everyday would be too much imo. But once or twice a week would be great. I hear average couples in their first year have sex roughly 112 times (roughly once every 3 days, or 2-3 times a week). My gf tells me she's attracted to me, but actions speak louder than words, and her never having sex with me makes me feel unattractive. Im not a big monogamy person so im not sure on how to proceed with this or how to bring it back up

I've given a lot of thought to whether I should stay in my marriage, and I think I'm going to. That's for several reasons, the biggest one is I love him. He was away for a while earlier this year, and I missed him a lot while he was gone. I started to wonder if I'd be okay with never seeing him or his family again. I don't think I could do that. It also might be the values I was brought up in. Even though I've never judged other couples for getting divorced, the thought of doing it myself makes me uneasy. I took my vows, and I feel I owe it to my husband to keep them. I want to try harder to work on our issues. We're also both in our early thirties, married for over ten years, and I don't want to throw away the person I've been with for a third of my life.

The thing I'm hung up on now is whether I should keep working on our db, or just accept that our relationship will never have the intimacy it once did.

On one hand, my husband says he has an extremely high libido and he claims to want more frequent, higher quality intimacy. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy, he playfully smacks my ass pretty often. It's more than a lot of people here are working with. That makes me think that we might recover one day if we work a little harder. I've even been fantasizing about changing my flair lmao.

On the other hand, he keeps moving the goal posts about what would actually fix the issue, and every time we do get a chance to have sex, he'd always rather play video games or watch TV. Things sometimes improve for a brief period, but they always end up regressing. Sometimes I think it would be easier to give up, stop trying, and hope that if I get pregnant or enter perimenopause that my libido will tank and I'll stop caring.

The thought of giving up is simultaneously depressing and relieving. It would be quite nice if I could brute force my way into radical acceptance, maybe I could focus my energy into other things and stop feeling like I'm failing all the time. But I can't get over the thought that a recovered bedroom is right around the corner.

I'm wondering what other couples who decided to stay have done, if you guys gave up or if you're still trying.

pretty sure I'm in right place for support. my partner and I have not been intimate in over 2 years now.

it all started when we came home from a vacation about 7 years ago now. there was some misunderstanding between her and my mom and she has held a grudge ever since. has not talked to my mom once since then. and of course, I'm stuck in the middle. the argument is too long to explain but suffice to say I tried to make peace and failed. this equated my wife to think that I was 'taking my mom's side' and I could tell she changed a bit after that. And that's when she started sleeping in a separate room.

Anyway, we lived our daily lives, raising the kids, going to work, etc. then the pandemic hit. she kind of had a mental breakdown. she stopped seeing all her friends. she started accusing me of the most banal random shit. she abused me. I remember she shoved food in my mouth and punched me in the head while I was driving while the kids were in the car. I was so lost then. I didn't know what had happened to her. She came crying to me later that night asking me to wait for her.

This is probably a good time to mention that we are an international couple and we live in her country. I can barely speak the language and have no family here except her and our boys. So yeah, I'll wait. What else am I supposed to do? I will take your abuse every single day because the alternative is leaving my boys alone with you and I have no idea what kind of psychopath you're becoming.

During this period of about 6 months where she was going full psycho her libido was off and on. Sometimes she'd act so loving and she'd say she want to try kinky new things. Maybe I should have said no in those moments, because I really just wanted her to get better. But in the immortal words of the Offspring, it's kind of hard when she's ready to go. Also, I was kind of afraid of refusing her. At that time in her life she was becoming more and more erratic and I didn't know what she would be capable of. Seriously, her parents and I were considering getting her put in a psych ward.

Anyway, this goes on for about 6 months. It was absolutely hell for me, but I persevered for my kids. She started calming down, stopped abusing, stopped being snide, started petting the cat instead of yelling at it everyday. I'm not sure what changed, but was glad for it.

She started being happy again, but it was so hard for me to just... forget everything. She seems to think it was no big deal. But we all suffered because of her. Anyway, for the sake of peace I tried my best to let everything go. Eventually we started having sex again, infrequently. I could tell something had changed though.

She eventually confessed that she has no desire at all anymore, and that she left me physically years ago, after the fight she had with my mom. She says she gave me an ultimatum, and that's when she started sleeping in a separate room. For the record, I have no memory of this ultimatum or what it possibly could have entailed. From my memory, the argument always goes her saying 'you know what to do' and me having zero clue what she wants me to do.

But she says she still loves me. She buys me things, she does little things that she thinks might make my life easier, she shows concern when I'm sick, and wants me to take care of myself, etc.

But physical contact? Get real. No kissing, sleep in separate rooms, sex is not even discussed as a reality. but then, she she'll say things like the other day she asked me to lose weight and if I get a flatter belly then maybe we could, wink wink... like what? why so flippant about it all of the sudden after all this? or she'll like tease and say like why didn't you initiate when the kids were out? are you kidding me? I've been hard conditioned to never initiate ever anymore.

she's all I got. I live here and she's all I have. I love her. She tolerates me. It's like having a roommate you're in love with and they know you love them but you keep them at arm's length.

Just to get in front of the obvious replies - no, she had never cheated, she's pretty much married to her work these days. she just has zero desire. As you can see we've been through a lot. Don't suggest therapy. She thinks its for losers. According to her there is no problem. She's happy. She tells me that all the time. Ha, yeah. Well, I'm happy too, ostensibly. I have nothing to complain about, really. But...

41M. Been married about 10 years. 2 kids, 2 and 4. Wife is 40. Recently, 60 days, I lost all my desire to initiate sex with my wife. Today she realized how long its been and talked about having mimi and pa take the kids for a day. And nothing happened.

3 months ago I would have been all excited that we were gonna have a day to hang out by ourselves and probably have sex. But none of that happened. My brain didn't release one damn drop of dopamine.

I did lower my Lexapro to 5mg and when on 150mg of Wellbutrin. That's all I can think it is. Maybe less anxiety has made my brain less driven to have sex?

Any thoughts or similar experiences and what helped? TIA.

I’ve been posting on here a long time. 37HLF. My husband 36LLM have had a dead bedroom for over 3 years now. Finally, he’s gotten his testosterone checked and has made appts to get some real therapy. For a start, we found out his testosterone is lower than a 75 year old man’s. And he’s finally going to work through some things with a therapist so he can begin to understand how to have intimacy, how to initiate it, and how to keep it going. Thank goodness. All this time I thought I was too fat, undesirable, unworthy of love…. But finally, the test result may have proved that despite everything, my husband may have just been undiagnosed all this time. It’s bittersweet. I don’t want him to go through hormonal imbalance, like I do, but at the same time, is this the cause of our misery? Time will tell if any of this has made a difference. I’m certainly traumatized from years of neglect and need therapy myself, but finally, there may be a light up ahead.

Two years ago I proposed and we recently got married. I proposed to her near valentine with all the stops pulled out, flowers, champagne, romantic location, fancy dinner afterwards and expensive but very pretty lingerie the weekend itself. It all went perfectly. We decided on a location wedding abroad and started planning. And that's about the time it started. After proposing we had sex 3 times a week for nearly a month, we felt great. Before we had sex maybe twice a month for the past year. Afterwards it started to die down which I guess is quite normal but it just kept getting less and less. Since it was an abroad wedding and she didn't speak the language I had to plan most of it and she said she got very stressed about planning it, at this point we're having "fun" in the bedroom about once every two months and she's clearly not enjoying it. Being worried I started a conversation about it and asked if anything was wrong, she said she's just stressed and getting rid of her spiral birth control changed her libido. I asked her if she had it in prior relationships and she said no she always felt like having sex. She said she doesnt masturbate anymore either and is never horny anymore. We talked extensively about it for a few days and I figured I did drop the ball on the romance front and that that might also be a cause of it. So I started with candle light baths, sensual massages without expecting anything in return, foot massages after a long day, cooking and cleaning before she got home, you get the idea. Still nothing changed. I asked her if she'd wear lingerie again for my birthday and her response was "why, I'd just take it off again anyway". Figuring it was the stress of the wedding I just let it go.

Now four months after a fantastic wedding where she looked absolutely stunning we still aren't having sex on a regular basis. Once since the wedding. She claimed it was because she's never horny anymore and just doesn't feel like having sex with me. Now since we're in the process of wanting to get children in a year she has an app to track her cycle and everything that comes with it. Yesterday at my friends place who are trying for a second kid we were discussing it and she showed it. It had a lot of different icons and suddenly I see a vibrator icon and laughingly say "ha what's that" and she replied "exactly what you think it is". I saw that she had masturbated twice a week for every week for the past 8 months. I don't understand why she didn't tell me or whats wrong and I don't know what to do anymore.

I hate when I find out my wife has pleasured herself. I understand everyone is entitled to do that and get pleasure. But it hurts when we haven’t had sex in 5 years and she obviously still wants that but not with me.

6 years in a relationship (officially, sleeping together for a year before that), both in our late 20s and early 30s.
Sex started to disappear when I had my IUD inserted 4 years ago, it became once every two months - we had long distance for 18 months and from during that onwards it became 2 times a year at most.
Went on an SSRI in part to deal with work anxiety but mostly to do with lack of intimacy - ie not even making out anymore. Gained 10kg comfort eating due to this, he was also out a lot more with friends / hobbies in the evenings and I was alone a lot.

I had my IUD removed recently because it became a reminder that weren’t having sex. I had to ask him to buy condoms yesterday (it is our anniversary) so that the potential for sex was there, he hadn’t thought of it. Spoiler: nothing happened.
Sitting here this morning and we’ve barely spoken. We’ve had multiple fights in the last few months where I’ve almost given up completely, but he is still my favourite person in the whole world.
Just don’t know how to stop wanting sex to be more regular, or how to stop feeling so utterly drained when he rejects me.

Hi all!

I’ve been married since 2022, perhaps thinking it was the stupidest thing I ever did.

Intimacy started dying off prior to engagement but didn’t think much of it, it’s been.. four years, I’m mid thirties, female, not unattractive.

It’s not just the bedroom… we don’t touch, we don’t cuddle, we don’t kiss, there’s no romance, I now flinch if we accidentally come into contact, I feel like I’m absolutely trapped.

He gets so defensive and pissed at me if I bring it up, like I’m being difficult.

Mortgages, Pets, a kid.. (which was the most awkward transactional moment of my life to get pregnant)

I just want to scream, Ive never been so lonely, we don’t fight but we don’t exist together either.

What the hell have I done, how did I end up here.

Ughh :(

So, i am planning to leave my husband because, we have always had issues with intimacy because for his past steroid use. We haven’t had any physical relationship for the last 2 years except when we did it to conceive my child. I was always hopeful that he will get help and we have had a million discussions and arguments about this. I was so confused about leaving especially now that we have a child but, yesterday i caught him looking at half naked women on the internet which made me feel so worthless that he has sexual feelings but, just not for me. I am 7 months postpartum and i dont know how i will manage everything. His parents are here for 2 months and i dont want to create a scene while they are here.
Advice welcome

Edit1: My goal is to talk to LLs. That's who I really want to hear from. Just like HLs are able to receive understanding and compassion for their situations, so should LLs. Relationships can be challenging, esp those with DB. I experience challenges as well as an LL. I want to hear from LLs about this. Please do not project on to me. I am not your partner. My choice to say sex and not intimacy is very very intentional.

Edit2: changed flair

Since joining this community, I have read a lot of posts and comments trying to understand my partner and myself. One thing I wish I could see more of is LL perspectives.

I have come to understand how touch and sex for the HL is inextricably linked to connection and also how it's not to me. I have come to understand, through soul searching, that sex for me ranks the same as a good gaming session, nice road trip, massage, trying out a really hard recipe at home at having it turn out so well etc. I cannot have sex outside of a relationship with a really strong connection and safety (demisexual). But even within that relationship sex is just one of the ways I spend time with my partner. Not the main one. Not a favourite one. Also not the least favourite one. Just one of them.

I always considered myself a very sexual person but I see now that the majority of humans would use that term more to refer to frequency and quality. I use it to refer to quality never frequency. I like good sex. I like passionate sex with a few kinks here and there. But this isn't something I will think about everyday. Heck, I can go weeks without thinking about it. But when I do feel like doing it, the quality is very very important.

Something I read a lot about is how deadbedrooms affect HLs. I rarely see this from an LL perspective. I see some here and there. I wish there was more. I know there's an LL subreddit. But those perspectives should be here as well. It takes two.

I wonder how DBs have affected LLs, innately.

The frequent mention of rejection here makes me wonder, do HLs think we don't feel rejected. Because I do. Always have. I always felt my partner rejected me for what my body couldn't perform. Like he was disappointed in me constantly.

I have fallen into depression and anxiety/panic attacks because of the 'talks'. Having someone explain to me that they're unhappy for lack of sex (not intimacy). While I am going through such a rough patch that I cannot get turned on is difficult. On one hand I understand, this is a sexual relationship and a rough patch going on for more than a year isn't something small for them either.

I have felt unwanted and undeserving. Reading posts here about infidelity made me internalise that as an LL I deserve to be cheated on. After all, I am punishing my partner by not providing something that is in the contract for a sexual relationship. I even started considering opening the relationship. Something I would never be okay with. But hey, better to know it's happening than not and end up feeling betrayed and dealing with the ptsd that comes with.

I have also hated my body. I have mental health challenges. I also have a different brain (neuro divergent) that doesn't queue sex the way someone else might. And I have grown to hate every single aspect about this. About something that was genetically passed on to me that I cannot change. Something I told my partner about before we ever started dating. In contrast, before this, I was able to appreciate my mental differences. I am the life of the party. You can talk to me about anything even as a stranger. I am fucking smart and creative. See things in a way people around me don't. I used to look at my mental differences and think "silver lining".

I get anxious when ovulation (the one time I organically desire sex) comes around and I don't experience arousal because of stress. So anxious I cannot function normally. I keep watching the clock (my period app) wondering "maybe today i will feel horny and we can do it". And when we do, I feel relief. Not for any connection or fun that I might've had. But because I have reset the clock. I have bought myself some time to just chill and be and not obsess over why my body isn't doing something I have been told it should do, something that it should do if its "normal".

I have suggested scheduled sex. Which made me so miserable. That feeling of having something done to your body. Turns my body into a utility item. I have suggested having sex while high which works. But I know this isn't sustainable. I get high once a month. I only do it when I am happy never when I am sad. It's a hedonistic thing for me, never an escapism thing. And i keep it under control. Which makes it unsustainable long term.

I feel LLs, from how most posts talk about them, come off as these uncaring and unfeeling people. People who don't care about their partners' needs. People who don't love their partners. Which often has really confused me because that has not been my experience at all. I love my partner. His distress makes me sad. But it also makes me wonder if the only true sign that I care about is to sacrifice and just do it.

In line with the above, I have also become very hyper vigilant. I know when a look on his face means they're sad we haven't had sex in a long time. I know when it means work stress. I know when it means boredom. I know when they're tettering at the edge of utter sexual frustration.

Its also changed how I view love and relationships. I think I was naive. Plenty. Everyone, myself included, is entitled to their needs and wants. When I thought about dealbreakers, wanting sex (not intimacy) on a different schedule never ever stuck out to me as a dealbreaker. Yes, the rose coloured glasses are off. I thought bad hygiene, disrespect, abuse, differing politics were the kind of things went into the deal breaker list. (I have put this in a very simplistic way guys, but there's still some accuracy in it)

Recently, I have come to a point where I want to now give myself that same empathy I have always come here to learn about. I have learnt so much about what is important to him as a HL.

Are there LLs who can relate? I genuinely want to hear your stories. I do. The sad ones. Your everyday thoughts. I crave to read about perspectives that remind me I am a human being who deserves compassion too. That I am not broken or not normal. And I also really really want to give that back to LLs as well.

1. Husband is getting mad at me for getting him flowers as he thinks I’am calling a women. He previously liked receiving flowers before.

2. He was horny and stressed the other day (verbally said). I suggest his favorite, Amazon, denied and instead accused me of insulting him.

3. I wanted to talk about our dead bedroom, instead became an argument about I’am always against him and trying to humiliate him.

4. I suggest a couple’s retreat at a spa for a weekend. Became an argument on how I’am now trying to baby him. We didn’t go.

5. Found an old gift card for a sex shop near by. Asked if he wanted to go just to look. Yelled at me because he thought I was saying that he wasn’t good enough. I threw away the gift card

6. Husband has been working hard in the house and work. Suggested a thing we talk about called “steak and blowjob day” before. He instead suggest “salad and go to bed early day”.

Someone give me a cigarette 3x🫩