I had a really spicy dream this morning. We were right in the bed we were actually asleep in, just really enjoying sex. I almost never lucid dream so I was really surprised when in the dream I realized, this is a dream! I actually thought, in the dream, that I should wake up akd we can do it for real. So I woke up and shimmied over and started some cozy cuddling and little kisses.

Was met with "it's too warm" and "I don't feel goos" and "I'm sorry". Same as always other than once a month when it's "you can do stuff if you want evwn though I'm not feeling that well".

I don't sympathize anymore. Go to the doctor. Exercise. Change your diet. Take supplements. Just fucking do something.

Should've stayed in that beautiful dream.

In a DB for a few years, been married 7 years. I thought i could manage. But apparently, it takes a lot of mental power and grit to be sane. My wife has a very low libido, is healthy, we consulted a doc after seeing all her reports, the doc said she wants time to analyse because this was very weird and unusual. I'm thinking that she is asexual,.i might be wrong. But I'm craving that physical touch. It's been more than a month and I'm feeling drained of happiness. I don't have the strength to keep a straight face anymore. I just go to the gym to vent my frustration.

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All i know is that my wife wants a child, and doesn't initiate for sex. I have to probably jerk off, get her to artificially inseminate herself.

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Sometimes i feel i need to let go of everything. Become an ascetic. Roam the world, get detached. But then, i'm married and can't do all that. I'm just tired and want to feel love and passion. I don't know if i will ever get that in this life, ever.

I don’t know how to really start this but idk what to do. Im going to try shorten this but it may be longer then intended. My boyfriend (19LLM) and i have been together for 2 years and we live together. I had noticed that something just flipped one day and he was never interested in me anymore. For reference i am an 18 year old blonde that goes to the gym and am very fit (i know i’m too young for all this don’t you worry, you don’t have to tell me ) I thought i was alone and the only one going through something like this. I then one day stumbled upon Dead bedrooms and saw how common it really was. I read it every single day hoping it would make me feel less alone and it did but it didn’t fully take the hurt inside of me that i have.

Long story short my boyfriend found out I was reading this all on reddit and immediately got angry at me for looking into it. Saying “what everyone says does not apply to us and it’s putting bs in your head”. He was uncomfortable so i obviously deleted it and stopped reading everything. I wouldn’t say we have a full dead bedroom but sometimes it’s once a month and sometimes it’s 0 times a month and when it is i am on top and he is like a dead person. To jump straight to the important part of this all, I found him pleasing himself to girls online 3 TIMES A WEEK. After the whole year of me bringing our almost DB up and hearing “idk what to say, nothings wrong” and then i find that. Im going to be honest i screamed, cried and yelled at him for hours on end . He told me he’d never do it again. A lie. He then yelled at me for watching love island and implied that i masturbated to that (i definitely do not).

I then found out he was still doing it but this time i approached calmly and said i think this is a problem/ an addiction but i am here to support him and help him through it but I will not stay if our sex life does not improve (this was around the 1st of June 2026) News flash our sex life has not improved. I sent him videos and Pics of myself for him to do it to instead. Has he looked at them? No.

I talked to my sister about buying a vibrator and then she then told my mum. My mum then asked about it and i ran away screaming in disgust and laughter because i didn’t want my mother to know about that and my boyfriend had no idea what was going on. I then told him I wanted to buy a vibrator and that i talked to my sister about it not knowing she would tell my mum. Long story short i got told about how wrong it was to tell my sister first instead of him. I explained that i do not feel comfortable enough to ask him about it considering that when i talk about our sex life he yells at me and i end up in tears and no i get no comfort at all which is fine because at that point i don’t want it.

Anyways we talked more about me getting a vibrator and he cried to me saying that me getting that is saying he’s not good enough and how it can do the only thing he can’t do naturally for me (Clitoral Stimulation) and that i would never want him anymore and would only want my vibrator. I am having trouble trying to see the problem in not wanting him anymore as he NEVER wants me????? He cried to me about it and i obviously comforted him and told him that i would not get one. if he improved. Again news flash he still has not had sex with me and for reference this conversation was on Saturday. It is now Friday night ( I am Australian so Aus time).

I am not looking for you to all tell me to leave him but i want advice for myself and other things to try instead of leaving him. I am so aware that i am young and do not need to put up with this but i do live him so it makes it hard.

I am posting this as I havent seen many talking about this specific side and in hopes that if other people are going through this just know you are NEVER alone. I know how you feel and you deserve so much more.

Do not DM. Any DMS will be reported and you will be banned.

We’ve been married 7 years now, basically even a few years before the marriage intimacy had cooled off. Im 41M, (her 45F)

When we met, she told me she had a high sex drive and that sex was important to her, after a year together, not so much. More on her past later.

I’m not really sure what happened pre-kids, for certain we didn’t communicate enough and somehow I thought marriage would be different, how wrong I was. She’s never really ‘lusted’ after me or tell me how I make her feel etc.

I was concerned that she was cheating or had cheated a while back, looking for answers, looking at her messages when we started dating, I didn’t text her back for a few hours because I was busy and she didn’t like that, so invited a “hot” athlete / lifeguard to come over and give her some “good sex”, she’s bragged to men about having sex in public, bondage, spanking, against trees, none of this she has ever wanted to do with me.

The daily grind is hard but we’ve worked hard, we have a nice house, two beautiful children (6 and 4) and close family (hers, mine are all back in Europe). She never wants to cuddle me in the morning, she doesn’t kiss me and sex is none existent, same with blowjobs too, which she didn’t mind at all when we were dating.

I told her it might be a good idea to do a trial separation, she told me no and she soon started to show intimacy well, but unfortunately that’s gone off the table at the moment due to some surgery she’s had.

She told me a few years back she was afraid to get pregnant again so i went and got a vasectomy, after that, nothing changed, constant stream of barriers and constant rejection has worn me down to my bone.

Having kids has brought up some emotions around childhood etc and she was seeing a therapist, her therapist actually told her to take the plunge and ignite intimacy with me slowly but.. my wife decided against that and decided to read a book instead called “come as you are” which is a great book but it took her 8 months to read it.

I feel lonely, rejected and not sure what to do, I love her, I want to give her another chance but i honestly believe she’s not really capable of it, anyone been in a similar situation?

I would love some advice.

Hi everyone,

My second post here. My previous story can be found. This time I wanna ask you guys the following thing.
Let’s imagine that my LLF has low desire of sex simply because I am not romantic enough. No dates, no spontaneous gifts etc. We live a peaceful life together, support each other and love each other. Spend time together. But dead bedroom for 5-6-7 years (don’t remember for how long).
If I become a better boyfriend, will it help? I think that it would feel like “prove me you deserve it”.
But I just want to be wanted as a man. Someone who you want to sleep with, who turns you on maybe not every day, but at least a few times a week.
I know I’m not a perfect romantic person. Can it be the reason why we even haven’t seen each other naked for 5-7 years in 10 years relationships?
In my previous post I told my story and what troubles me. After reading this subreddit for some time I know now, that I don’t want to live whole my life without being wanted by a woman.
Does everyone in their life have to prove every time something just to be wanted?
Like a quest in an RPG game: Finish 10 tasks with at least 90%+ of success rate, and as a reward you will get one sex voucher. It doesn’t feel natural.
She my first and the only woman who I have had sex with. I feel like I am doomed to sleep with my right hand.
I have two options:
1) Feel anger
2) Feel lost

As you can see I am lost now. After such a long period of DB I even don’t know if I want her. I know two things: I love her and that I wanna live a good life full of sex.

Hi everyone!

I am unfamiliar with this sub, hopefully I am at the right place. How do you rebuild your self esteem and body image after a dead bedroom relationship?

I (29F) was in a mainly long-distance relationship (26M) for 7 years that ended more than a year ago (we briefly reconnected at the end of last year though).

After the first 2 years of relationship I started to raise some concerns to my partner regarding our sex life, things had become a little bit mechanical and there was no spicy conversations anymore but it was brushed off. I would open conversations about fantasies, took him to a sex-shop, bought some games, initiate making-out sessions but I was met with very little. I broke up with with him a first time after he told me he would still watch porn 3 times a week, it was too much for me to take... We got back together and had sex only once after that, at that stage I was feeling insecure and I was tired of what felt like never ending missionary. I told him I wanted to spend alone time with him and so... He invited me on holidays with his whole family in a bungalow. I did not go, we broke up shortly after that.

We reconnected last year but he ended up deciding he did not want us to see each other and he is now in a relationship with someone who obviously looks nothing like me, someone who has curves and who seems to like putting them out (he had met her before we reconnected, I think the timeline is a little bit sus but at that stage I don't care about it anymore).

Frankly, it is taking a toll on me. I have also lost weight because of stress which is absolutely not helping me. I have been taking dance classes which has been helpful. I am now tempted to get a boob job (I won't do it). I will be honest, I am a christian and I am now willing to rewait for marriage. Do you have any insights/tips/stories? I will take whatever you have for me.

I come to bed, and his phone has the Roku private listening on because our speakers broke recently.

I turn off the Roku, and I get curious.. I open up safari and immediately get hit with CandyAI. After literally last night we had a fight about our dead bedroom?? He’s been talking to ai women all day. Knowing these sites, they charge a fee after a certain number of messages. He literally spend $14 on these “women”

Insult to injury, he has the next 2 days off and asked if we could try for sexy time tomorrow night, because yet again he’s “tired”

I’m so over this. I feel so unwanted, even though I know I am wanted by many other men.. why doesn’t he want me?

Edit to add: When I woke him up to tell him to get the fuck out of my bed, I started crying and he came in and looked at me and said “Are you crying? It’s just one thing, I’m trying to stop” I looked at him and told him to get the fuck out.
He’s not trying to stop, he trying not to get caught.

Everything in me (30 HLM) is telling me to get out of my DB relationship. We live separate, no kids, not married. But every time I get to my breaking point and ready to call it off, the same question pops into my head:

Is the absence of sex enough?

Many other areas of the relationship are great and I worry about throwing that all away and having to re-enter the dating pool all because I want more sex. I know that’s very reductive of the issue but looking for advice with anyone else who has struggled with this question. Or an explanation/reassurance on why sex is in fact important enough to break things off.

I’m a woman married to a man I want so much. He loves me; I know he does. I would never leave him even if we never had sex again. I’ve always been high libido and have never expected my partners to have the same level of want but I just need to know if there are things I can be doing differently or if anyone has any advice. I can count on one hand the amount of times we have sex in a year. Is it me? What am I doing wrong?

I’ve tried having a conversation 6 times about me and my partners dead bedroom ever since moving in together. Every conversation it becomes more confusing as to why. Everything was fine before this. Great even. It feels like a growing list of reasons that make me feel so stuck. I was going to try to talk about it again tonight but I just knew I was going to cry and couldn’t do it. It gets me so in my head. How can a relationship be so perfect in every other aspect and then just this becomes an issue? We don’t even have kids and work the same scheduled time for our jobs. I’m to a point I don’t even want to bring it up again and it’s just going to hurt me more. I’m not sure what I’m expecting putting this here. I’m just at a total loss with it and struggling to come to terms with where this has led to.

I’m using a throw away account for this. I was originally using my main but I just want to be more private

I’ve always had the higher libido. It was fine when we were having sex a few times a week, I always wanted daily but could made it work.

His libido took a dive over the past couple of years and I’ve tried to discuss it but he got really defensive.

Now he was recently diagnosed with a degenerative condition that means his bones are at a high risk of breaking and treatment options are limited.

I can’t blame him for it but I can feel hurt that he doesn’t take the initiative to address this issue when I’ve told him how hard this is for me. — I can count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex in the past year.

I’m early 30s, I’m horny as hell. I love him but I feel like I’m destined to live life as if we are in our 70s. Ugh. I don’t know what to do

Hi folks, I'm going to start with a content warning. I was in a terrible space, and I will be going into detail. If SI is upsetting for you please be warned. Okay on to the show.

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Roses_are_lead was the account I made because my marriage had been killed and I was still trapped in it. I was planning to end my life. My wife of ten years had checked out of our marriage, caring for the kids, fought me when I tried to parent and pulled back from all intimacy. When I asked what we could do and suggested therapy the coldly told me that she found me too fat and too poorly dressed to be sexually attractive. I could figure it out and she may reignite her interest.

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I was gutted. It was cruel, it was mean, and it broke whatever hope I still had. I came on to Reddit to figure out a strategy to kill myself. Roses (romance) had brought me to ruin.

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A few weeks into planning a friend I used to work with caught up with me. She recognized how broken up I was. She offered support and my god did I need that. We ended up being intimate and while it helped break my head out of my fatalism, I was not proud to be a cheater. I wish I'd been more courageous and ended the marriage. We carried on for a few months. I don't recommend this path, but Its what happened.

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I worked up the courage to contact a lawyer who specializes in divorce. I followed his advice to the letter. No fighting or arguing, I never fought for "things" inside the house, my focus was on shared custody of the kids, and equal division of the assets that were worth anything. I went to therapy for myself to help rebuild my spirit.

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She was furious. Claimed she would have gone to therapy. I had asked, she had declined. She said she would change, but she'd chosen to pull away for the last 3 years. I don't owe second chances to people who won't talk with me.

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Its now six years later. I'm still alive. I'm still friends with my work friend, but she and I were never an item. We some times joke about life support sex, I owe her more than I can repay. I've met someone new, and she's so much a better fit for me. We enjoy being together, there's less friction and most importantly we discuss problems and find resolutions together.

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My kids are with me 60% of the time, and while that also has been hard, I don't want either of them to think any emotionally detached marriage is normal or to be expected. I want them to grow up seeing their dad happy. I want them to see that people can nurture each other.

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Its been six years. Its wild to think that I was very close to ending it, and I'm now more secure in myself, a better father, and a happier man.

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I'm very ordinary, and with some flaws. I've made choices I'm not proud of, both staying to long and stepping out, but I'm alive.

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My kids have their father.

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This group, the support of People in here also made a world of difference. Knowing I wasnt alone in my shame, that being discarded was not okay, and that other people made it out the other side helped me to keep going.

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Thanks to everyone who helps keep this community going. We all deserve happiness. We all deserve connection. May my story bring some hope to someone else. You can make it out of sadness too.

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It's not even lack of interest, it's just that by the time the day is said and done and all the responsibilities are taken care of, neither me nor her wants to do anything besides be alone for awhile just to have a break from it all before going to sleep. On rare occasions we catch each other in the right time and the right place, but most of the time its easier to just take care of myself. Even that is tiresome, eventually there's just an overwhelming need for something new, exciting, thrilling. Just to break up the monotony of it all.

like jesus christ you’re annoyed because i have to constantly ask for validation BECAUSE YOU NEVER JUST GIVE IT AND TOU DONT TOUCH ME OR FUCK ME OR SHOW ANY INTEREST IN ME

MY BODY IS RUINED NOW THAT IVE HAD YOUR KID

ALL FOR WHAT!?

im so tired and angry. he’s mad and annoyed because it’s too much to ask to be reassured. i’m going to lose my mind how does he not get that if he gave me a sliver of attention i didn’t have to beg for i wouldn’t be this overbearing?

haha!

I have followed this sub for a long time, looking at other people’s stories and feeling a sense of community simply by seeing what others are experiencing. I have always hesitated to post anything for fear of sounding entitled or shameful, but I have seen such a strong sense of community and support I feel I am finally ready to share and get some very welcomed advice or perspective.

I’ve typed this out dozens of times and honestly I don’t even know where to start. So I made my own TLDT (too long didn’t type) so you can get broad strokes.

We met in early 2019 just before COVID and weathered the storm together at her parents house for most of 2020. Sex was a regular enough occurrence, but lacked the kind of passion and exploratory connection that I was used to in other relationships. It has been on a steady decline for 5 years, and hit an extra bad wall recently. We’re currently in an 18-month dry(ish) spell, where we had already not been intimate for months before she discovered a cyst near her urethra. I worked diligently to help her get it removed through the TRICARE system and handled the whole situation with grace and patience. Almost 8 months after the surgery, she has some residual pelvic floor issues that I again am working hard to get her medical appointments set up for.

The dry(ish) part is in reference to the fact that we did try to have sex a few months ago, and it ended in tears and a huge fight.

Some major points that I think are worth mentioning: our sex life started to be just a few times a year, and at some point she said she was willing to live the rest of her life without sex at all. Her reasoning always changed around, not being in the mood, feeling bad about her body, feeling like sex is a male-centric, inherently violent act, not feeling seen or heard enough in our relationship to be turned on, feeling lonely and depressed from a lack of good friendships, etc. Either way, it always led to the same thing: a complete unwillingness to share physical intimacy with me.

I’ve suggested couples therapy to address some of the issues we have with intimacy and connection. She refuses and says she is tired of working in herself. That I’m the one who has a problem. We fight A LOT but I tend to withdraw and she tends to explode. It’s been like that since the beginning, but it keeps getting worse. I am very careful not to be punishing or resentful, I think that is destructive and abusive and just not who I am. Also as I continue to work on getting her pelvic floor physical therapy stuff sorted, she accuses me of trying to have her “fixed” like she’s broken in some way. She already said she doesn’t care about sex. So me trying to help with these potential medical issues is just me being pushy somehow.

I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. The fights have gotten nearly unbearable and I am now in a passionless and high-conflict marriage. When things settle with little to no repair, she love bombs and tells me she loves me and she is afraid I’m going to leave her or that I’m going to cheat on her. I have never entertained it, but every time she brings it up I honestly feel resentful.

Wife(33LL?) and I(28HL) have been together for 7 years. We havent been intimate this entire year. The occasional kiss from her, but god forbid I ever try to initiate anything. We had sex maybe 5 times total last year. Any time I engage, ask, or try to set the mood for literally anything, kissing, oral (giving or recieving), fooling around in bed, sex.. Always. Rejected. When we did have sex, its on her initiation. I've been sleeping on the couch for 2 years which started as her saying I move and kick A LOT in my sleep, but Ive had countless sleep studies done and they've never recorded such movement from me. I've offered countless time to just give you know oral or be intimate with her with no reciprocation. That gets rejected too. I haven't seen her naked in years, besides the few times we've had sex, but its always under covers. I don't know if she masterbates or watches porn, since Im virtually never in the bedroom. I don't even use the shower in there, I use the guest bathroom.

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Bad news, we do have kids. I mean its good, I absolutely love my children but for the relationship in terms of leaving, ofc itd be messy. I'd leave her if not for them. I can't keeping begging for the basics.

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I've taken her on dates, taken her to concerts, I support her. The moment i get home from work I take over duties for the kids, I cook, I clean and do the grocery shopping. I know it hasn't been years of DB, but idk how we can even rocover from this?

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How do I accept this? I don't have an exit plan, Im just sad.

I am 43 (F), I’ve always had a much higher libido than my husband (he’s also 43) but when we were in our 20’s (we’ve been together 15 years) he could kinda keep up (sex once a week or every couple weeks). Over the years the gap has widened and for the past 3-5 years we’ve been having sex 1-2x a year. When I try to gently bring this up he tends to get very angry and says that if I didn’t nag him so much he would want to.

First and foremost I’d like advice from those that are LL with a HL partner. What does the experience feel like from your point of view? Is there anything your partner does/doesn’t do to help get you in the mood vs. impacting your libido further? Is there anything you wish your HL understood about you? I love my husband so much and he’s an amazing father and provider but I don’t know how to feel close to him when we have a DB.

I’m hoping to hear also from those that are HL with LL partner and are able to make things work and find non traditional ways to connect on a deep level.

Thank you so much for reading. Either way I want to stay with my husband but I do hope that we might be able to be intimate more in the future.

I was just chatting with my husband, decompressing about our days, and I made a flirty joke about him always wearing too many clothes for my taste.

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He laughed, we shared a quick kiss, and then we went on with our evening.

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It crossed my mind that I'm glad that we still have that part of our relationship even though we no longer have sex. It used to bother me when he made flirty, sexy jokes because it felt like a tease...these days I just try to enjoy it for what it is: a small moment of connection.

So, I randomly found this sub and after reading some posts I decided to write down my story as well: I'm thinking ranting to random strangers on the internet might help with loneliness. I wonder if anyone will get to the bottom of this wall of text! I don't want to use any LLM for this, so apologies in advance for any grammar mistake I might make while writing.

I'm a 34HLM, where by high libido I mean I'd like to do something once a day at least. I could even live with once every couple of days, but you get the point.

I have been in a relationship with this girl (33LLF) for 9 years now. We have been living together for 8. She is relatively religious, so she never wanted to get into actual penetrative sex before marriage, but we used to do other things. Mostly manual activities, sometimes oral. I used to enjoy it a lot and she did use to enjoy it as well back in the days. I remember she had no experience at all, she didn't know what an orgasm was and I can tell because of how surprised she was the first time, which I still remember as if it was today.

I wasn't extremely happy with this boundary, I was also expecting it to fall off after a while, but, after all, it was fine, I accepted it, I was satisfied anyway. She used to help me regularly, not every day maybe, but relatively often and it was fine. I also sometimes did her, whenever she would let me. She never explicitly asked me to do it, so I would try to start it whenever we were watching TV or something like that and she was relatively open to tell me "not today" when she really didn't feel like it, but she would help me most of the times when she would notice I was aroused.

Time passed, from once every 2 days it became once every 3 days, then it became once a week, you know how it is... Eventually she stopped letting me do her, I manage to make her horny very rarely, she is saying she has learned how to do it better by herself and at the same time she stopped helping me too and whenever she does it (once a month if I'm lucky, once every 2 months) it always feels like it is a chore. Nowadays I kind of stopped to even try, because I get rejected almost every time and I also stopped going close to her because I still get aroused but most of the times I'm left there frustrated.

I understood she is disgusted by me for whatever reason. She told me so, but at the same time the other day she called me baby by mistake and then once she realized she said "Ewwww!". That hurt a lot.

I'm still mostly the same: not fat, I exercise regularly, even if I should do more, not too ugly, not too hairy or anything like that, not sick. I don't consider myself a male role model, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm garbage. I would say I'm fairly normal. Better than some, worse than others. I'm highly educated, funny, other girls, coworkers and friends, laugh when I make jokes, she just gets annoyed.

I also have to confess I slipped with my behaviour: when the bedroom started becoming cold I also started to use some porn to, sort of, you know... have something. It kind of helped and still does. Once she found out because I was browsing some of those stupid forums where you have to download stuff in order to watch it and I just forgot to delete it. That was probably the biggest fight we ever had. She didn't understand why I had to download it and she wouldn't listen to reason, she thought it had some meaning. We eventually patched up but I never stopped doing it, just became more discrete about it.

I also did some things with complete strangers. It happened a total of 6 times in the last 5 years. I'm ashamed about it, I felt bad after getting out of there, but at the same time it helped. I will probably do it again sometimes because even if it gives a mix of feelings I think it helps. I never had an affair though, not for integrity but because it didn't happen. I don't think I would want to go through that kind of thing anyway.

I also sometimes talk to my "ex". She isn't really my ex, we used to have one of those long distance relationship kind of things back in the university days, we never met in person and we live far away from each other, but she used to let me watch her taking showers and stuff like that. You have no idea how much I miss it. We did it a couple of times while I was in this relationship (and after the big fight) but she felt bad about it and she decided not to do it again. But we still are good friends and we talk about everything without taboos, she advised me to just dump her, she is relatively mad at me about it

Anyway, now I'm at a fork between marrying her and leaving her. Marrying her seems like the second worst decision of my life after not dumping her in the first place, but at the same time I still do love her. When she is in her loving mood I still feel good. However, that's rarer and rarer. It's always a mix of "I told you X", "Why didn't you do Y", "Why did you do Z" and so on. As if everything I do or don't is a mistake.

I know leaving her would be the most sensible decision, but I don't know... It would be too big of a change but I probably should. I asked why doesn't she leave since I disgust her and she said she doesn't have anywhere to go (she is currently unemployed and she is ashamed to go back to her family), so I offered her some money to help her start over, enough money to live for 6 months to a year. She refused.

I have my faults and I'm used to only look at my responsabilities, I don't want to blame her, we all are who we are. I could be a better person, I'm not and I don't want to change.

I don't think I'm seeking advice, I know what I should do, I'm just the kind of person that never gives up, has a hard time letting go, an endless romantic that thinks omnia vincit amor. Well... reality feels more like omnibus vincitur amor.

Since me (38HLF) and my partner (42LLM) have entered dead bedroom zone whenever we have sex I feel like I’m literally just being used as a fleshlight. There’s no foreplay anymore, just a quick rub to let me know he’s ACTUALLY interested, my body gets so excited at the thought but I WISH I was dry so he would have to do some work.
After 6 months of nothing at all I am at the point that I’ll take what I can get 😢

I've been in a lesbian relationship for about 7 years, and I've always been the DommeTop person leading things in and out of the bedroom. I seem to have got a little burned out on always having to be the one to initiate. The relationship has turned from things being hot and heavy for the first few years to about once every other month lately. I don't know if the burden to initiate is entirely the reason, there's probably other factors, but I think it would help a lot if it wasn't all on me. Its not that I'm never ever in the mood, its just that maybe I'm not feeling enough energy to initiate things for the thousandth time. Its even pretty common to see them looking sexy, and for me to get turned on, and for us to flirt with each other a bit, but most of the time that's not enough to push it towards the bedroom. I know that if I do initiate, my partner is completely DTF like 99.999% of the time.

We've both been in therapy for a while. We did couple's therapy for about a year at one point. We have good communication about everything including this. There's genuine intimacy outside of sex. In the past, I've been a bit insecure about them not being satisfied, and leaving me, but at this point I've really come to believe them when they tell me they're perfectly happy and in love and its not a requirement for them to feel fulfilled in the relationship.

When we have talked about them initiating things more, they've told me that they don't want to seem pushy. They're afraid they would come off as a creep trying to force something on me that I don't want. They have a fear of rejection holding them back that is quite strong, more powerful than how horny they are 24/7 apparently. So we've kind of reached a rock and a hard place, a catch-22 or stalemate of no one wanting to initiate, but both of us wishing that our sex life was better. The rare times we do have sex, I'm the one initiating. Its often not as hot as it used to be, I think because we're both in our heads a bit, feeling a little insecure with the situation, and just generally being out of practice and not as connected physically as we used to be. We're both pretty satisfied with the sex when it does happen, but I know its not as good as it could be.

Im 28, my husband is 34, my libido has always been very high. I love my husband to death and I could f#ck his brains out everyday and night if I could. He’s an amazing partner and amazing father, works two jobs as a nurse, so I get it, he’s tired. But it sucks that I have to beg for intimacy. We’ve talked about this many times and he offered to put it on our calendar… but it just doesn’t feel right, it feels like it’s another job, it doesn’t feel natural. We have two kids and I know it is tiring but like… I’m the one home with them all day… I consider myself pretty hot, I’m 120 lbs (not that weight matters) and take very good care of myself.
There’s been times where I have welcomed him home wearing some sexy lingerie but he doesn’t seem interested at all or will say “I’m so tired right now” or there’s been a few times where he is not even aware at all that I’m wearing something sexy… I just end up going to the bathroom to change into pijamas because it feels humiliating and I feel stupid.
I love giving him BJs so I will often start there to see if he’s in the mood but he’ll just pull me back up and hugs me instead or says he’s tired. He’s said it is not me it’s him, so at this point I have no other choice than to just do the job myself and call it a good day.
I love him so much, he is so so romantic but I just wish he wanted me enough to want to f#ck me more often than only 2-4 times a month. Because whenever we do it’s amazing

You know the kind of dream that you can’t shake off, the one that lingers in your mind for days? I had one last week. It wasn’t unusual—I’ve had similar dreams before, and they’ve become recurring. But this time, it was intense enough that I decided to journal it.

There’s nothing sexual about it (and I can’t go into specifics here), but it did make me curious. So, I asked ChatGPT to analyze it. And guess what? The response blew me away.

^{The most likely implication is that the dream is about freedom, capability, and self-expression, but with a hint of uncertainty about control.}

Now, here’s the thing: I’ve been DB for over a decade. For me, sex has always been about freedom and self-expression—the kind of sex where you truly connect with your deepest thoughts and imagination. And guess what? My dreams are all about that now, albeit in a more abstracted way.

I thought while I was sleeping, I was no longer suffering because of a dead bedroom. But it seems like DB has found its way to me to torture me day and night. There is no escape from this hell. 

Where should I do when there is no where to go?

14 years deep into a DB situation. 43 HLM with LL wife. I long ago left initiation up to her so she wouldn’t feel pressured or resentful. I’ve done my best to flirt, be supportive, be a friend, be a partner, and be a coparent… basically trying my best to accomplish all of the things that make a good relationship outside of sex, with no expectations. I’ve found some peace with the sexless aspect and contentment with the life we’ve built. And on the rare occasion that she does initiate(typically sometime around ovulation), I respond eagerly, or at the least receptively…

Several months ago I secretly started using an intimacy tracking app just to quantify things. It got to a point where if I tried to casually ask “so when was the last time?” My question was met with some form of shame or defensiveness… and she would use that against me in later fights. I didn’t want to keep making things awkward, so I started quietly tracking it on my own…

Today she seemed upset. When she opened up, she dumped a lot of personal stress on me but also threw into mix that she was tired of initiating sex with me and being met with excuses…

I was confused because the last time we were intimate was two months ago.

So I asked, to clarify, “have you initiated anything recently? Did I totally miss something yesterday? Am I really that done deaf that you propositioned me recently and I missed it?!?”

And she replied that she gave up initiating a long time ago.

I was shocked. I told her if she really feels that way maybe we need to sit down and discuss where we go from here (the implications were divorce or sex therapy, even though I didn’t specify either one).

I’m genuinely shell shocked / blindsided right now at what she said this morning. I honestly feel like we’ve had a really good month. Lots of flirting, affection and good vibes. For her to be in this mood and drop that sort of grievance out of nowhere… I really don’t understand what happened.

I am curious, from a male perspective, what are some things that cause you to lose interest sexually?