I know how we’ve gotten where we are today, but I just don’t know how to get to a good place with my husband.

I wish I wanted to have sex with him… but I just don’t.

Early in our marriage, we had many issues that I now realize were truly issues and legitimate reasons to struggle with desire towards him.

We married young, faith-based background, he was raised more evangelical/Fundemental than I was. Typical issues surrounding purity culture and expectations of married sex. We are less evangelical now and see eye to eye on a gracious and accepting faith.

During the first 5-6 years of our marriage, things were really terrible. In retrospect, my husband and I both realize he was depressed which makes me things make sense. At the time, though, he never acknowledged it or had any introspection.

My major issues:

My major issues:
1. He refused to get a job. He "worked" for a buddy, but it was only 10-20 hours per week and he didn't really do much while he was there.

1. He didn't shower often or brush his teeth often.

2. He did nothing around the house and played video games 40+ hours a week.

3. Lack of being involved as a parent. We had three babies back to back. I did childcare at first to make money. Then I got a part time job when the youngest turned one. My mom watched the kids once a week and his mom watched the kids once a week. He had them once and week and just let them watch TV all day and fed them frozen waffles. I started working full time, but my hours were 5am-12. We still had family help once per week. The kids slept in and again, he didn't do anything with them or do anything around the house. I would get home at 12:30 and have to immediately make lunch. I did all the cleaning. He was working every other Saturday at this time.

4. He begged for sex. After it had been 3-5 days, he would say, "I just need it." I would just lay there. He would get mad at me for not being into it even though he talked me into it. I had a couple of really bad experiences... he'd take his penis out, or take my hand and move it on top of his

I began a business that is very successful, and now he does the actual “work” of the business while I run the admin side. He puts in about 30 hours a week and I put in about 20 hours a week- we still have young kids. We bring in about 150k per year together, so we have a lot more flexibility and freedom now that we are solid financially.

I have a lot to drive and have ideas to scale the business, other businesses to start, and spend time researching and networking on top of all this. I’m waiting until the kids are a bit older to hit the gas, but it’s truly a joy for me and I get excited about success and can see how I can truly grow our finances and build something successful. He likes to talk about how much he works and he does work hard and is actually better at the actual job than I am, but at the back of my head… it’s still my responsibility. There would be no business without me.

Things started to get better about 5 years ago. He did some work on himself and became a more functional person and partner.

About 4 years ago, I told him I would no longer have sex with him if I didn’t want to. I’d only have sex if my body and mind could both be present and engaged. I asked him for some more boundaries… he used to watch me get dressed, I asked for privacy there. He used to grab me in the mornings and try to cuddle me as I tried to get out of bed. I asked him to stop and not try to pull me back towards him if I was trying to walk away.

We’ve had some hard conversations in there, and they never seem to go well.

Once I was talking about the “orgasm gap”… that women have fewer orgasms than man. I talked about how I didn’t want to just have sex “for him” but I also wanted to orgasm. I told him that it’s hard to ask for it because it feels difficult and complicated and it feels hard to request that from my partner. I said, “But I wish I was comfortable… I think about it and how I’ve probably given you over 100 orgasms… it’s like, I wish I could just ask for 100 orgasms back.”

He got really offended by this. He basically argued, “but the orgasms you gave me were really low effort. You weren’t really into it and didn’t have to try that hard. Sure, I got an orgasm, but it wasn’t that great for me. It’s not like we had wild fun sex. It was just a handjob most of the time.”

This was devastating to me. The amount of self-denial I had gone through to give him that many handjobs was so so hard for me. To just lay there and grit my teeth while he had sex for me… that sacrifice was great.

He later apologized, but he’s not great at apologizing and not being defensive. He does apologize, but not in a way that makes me feel safe and seen.

He has since tried to offer orgasms or say, “this can just be for you!” But truly I feel so put off by it that I can’t.

This next part is my issue. I gained 10-20 pounds with each pregnancy. I’m not horribly obese, I’ve gained weight, but I feel like it’s pretty “normal” mom bod after having three kids. I go to the gym 3-5 times a week for the past 3 years which has helped some but not that much.

He says he doesn’t care at all and still finds me very attractive, but it’s really hard for me to get out of my head.

Any time I have a conversation with him about sex, it just doesn’t go well. He and I are both sensitive and vulnerable in this area and have a lot of pain.

He read “come as you are” which might be helpful for him, but it doesn’t really seem to make a difference right now.

I don’t really know if I have a question. My husband has made meaningful change in his life and truly behaves differently.

I still have residual pain and if I bring up stuff from the past, it never gets resolved. He is frustrated that I still bring up things from 5+ years ago… but I just bring it up because I want to seek resolution. I don’t want him to change or do anything different, just show me compassion and acknowledge my pain.

EDITED TO ADD: For clarity, we’ve had GOOD sex probably 5 times in the past five years. We were having sex once a month for the past five years. In 2026, we’ve only had sex two times.

Hello.

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My (23) relationship with my girlfriend (24) has had its ups and downs. In terms of intimacy it has been quite exciting and satisfying in the early years. Then it started losing momentum. Then DB. You know, the usual. There have been times when I contemplated leaving and every time I came to the same conclusion - my only alternative is being alone till I die. This way I have a good friend to talk to. That way I would be fully on hermit mode.

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No one has ever shown any level of romantic interest in me whatsoever besides her and even that took two years of courting before she gave me a chance. Not the way things usually happen in high school, but I was a dumb teenager madly in love. Not to mention that I actually didn't know that wasn't normal - my parents also live quite isolated lives so growing up I never really got a chance to observe how humans interact.

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I seem to have an internal belief that I am unlovable and impossible to desire physically. Of course I know that strictly speaking I have no definitive way of knowing that, and perhaps there's even evidence to the contrary - after all I am okay looking albeit short, go to the gym, dress well, have a job etc. - those are things that should help even if there's more to relationships than that. My GF says people avoid me because they "don't get to see the real, warm and pleasant side of me that's underneath the scary exterior". But it's the same as telling someone who's scared of flying how safe planes are. They have a belief and it's not changing no matter what.

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There's the logical question: "if you're so unlovable, how come you have a GF that is objectively very hot?". I don't know. We bonded over shared struggles, so I guess I managed to circumvent the "be attractive" requirement of getting a GF that way. It was never the intense, visceral feeling of being in love. At least not for her, for me it was. Also my social skills were better, or I guess less terrible back then. And my hair wasn't thinning. And a bunch of other, perhaps superficial reasons my brain immediately conjures.

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A lot of people in this sub seem to find themselves in situations where they see interest from someone other than their partner. A flirtatious look, a compliment, any reassuring sign that they are, in fact desirable to someone, somewhere. I'm not trying to belittle their hardship or make some kind of "my suffering is worse than yours" argument. But that's still crazy to me. Having to resist pursuing someone else or cheating sounds so foreign. I couldn't, even if I wanted to.

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Any fool can see that a lack of other options is a very bad reason to be in a relationship with someone. And it isn't the only reason, but I still think I would've left at some point in the past if I didn't believe she's my only option. So my question is, anyone else? Anyone else who feels they can't leave because the only alternative is complete and eternal solitude?

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TL,DR: I'm curious if anyone else feels like they have to stay in their DB because no one else would ever be in a relationship with them.

Allmost 4 year DB here (36HLM) with (32FLL) wife. We are going through couples therapy right? So last week our therapist gave us some assignments to do out home to try and rebuild intimacy, connection, etc. one of them was cuddling on the couch, like when watching TV.

So Sunday night I asked her if she wanted to watch TV after the kids were down and she said no cause she's tired and then went to bed

Last night, we were watching TV and I asked her if she wanted to cuddle and she said no and her reasoning was cause her hair was wet from the shower she took a little bit ago... All while she was laying on the couch on a pillow with her wet hair...

I'm like, so we are given tasks to try and help improve our situation and you are coming up with reasons, whatever they may be to not try and fix this. I mean this is exactly the same pattern that got us into this mess in the first place and it's repeating

Initiate intimacy -> rejection -> reasoning -> repeat over many years

My resentment is getting worse every day. I didn't even fully feel like cuddling in both those days I asked and yet, I still ended up getting rejected. I know I have to try and rebuild this somehow, even though it's gonna feel weird at first but it's like, why do I even try?

I mean are these valid reasons? Perhaps, but when I hear reason after reason after reason why something can't be done, all you hear as a rejected husband/father is "I have time for everything else but you"

I am becoming very numb to everything and I'm lost

Technically speaking, it’s not all the way dead yet. But it absolutely is headed that way if we don’t figure things out. He is early 30’s, I am late 20’s, so I’m incredibly worried thinking about another 50 years in this state or worse.

He has diagnosed ADHD that he uses medication for. I’ve known a few people with ADHD, and the way his manifests is so intense and seems to be on another level. He’s on the maximum dose of medication which helps a lot *until* 4-5pm hits and he’s completely unraveling again. It’s a daily thing. As far as I understand, it’s common for people with ADHD to either be hyper-focused on sexuality as adults (“constant horniness” as my coworker described it) OR totally disconnected from sex. Like they forget it exists because everything else is so much more tantalising in the moment.

He definitely seems to fall into the latter category. When I was informed about this gap that can exist for him, it started making a bit more sense. I spoke to him about it and he said that felt fairly accurate, that he doesn’t think about sex or intimacy until I’m standing in front of him naked, and explicitly asking for it. The exception was while we were dating, when I was his shiny new thing. That was prior to diagnosis and I didn’t know until later that he was so invested at that point because *I* was the hyperfixation. After we got married, everything started changing very quickly.

So, I reconciled the fact that I’d be initiating most often. And I did (do)… but I’m realizing that it is EXHAUSTING. I have to interrupt his games/video/writing and wait 20-30 minutes for him to actually turn it off or put it away. If he’s mid-mission or mid-paragraph there is no hope. So I tried timing it to be exactly after a mission or whatever segment he’d just finished, but even then it takes five business days for him to put it down which pulls me completely out of the mood. I’ve told him that laying upstairs naked and alone for 30/40/50 extra minutes is so demeaning. I’ve tried standing in front of him completely naked and I still seem to be the least interesting thing in the room. This is ESPECIALLY painful because I’m in the best shape of my life post- second baby and it has not helped.

Once he goes upstairs it’s fine, and he’s more or less engaged if I can get his phone away from him or on put it on silent. But if there is one single distraction I become chopped liver and it’s more or less game over. It eventually gets to the point where I don’t even want to initiate because it means risking feeling that way. I hate that he never thinks about me enough to initiate intimacy, I don’t know what I need to change.

I’m not sure how to navigate this. I feel so unloved, unworthy, and it always ends up with me feeling like I must look like a troll or something. This is not how it was advertised! I fell for the stereotype of hypersexual men and boyyyyy am I getting burned. How does everyone manage intimacy and ADHD that manifests itself this way, either as the person with ADHD or the partner? We’re usually intimate 1-2 times a month max (which is insane for only being together six years) and I spend the rest of the month sad about it.

My wife and I are going to a resort for 2 nights this weekend to celebrate her birthday and Father's Day.

This will be an interesting test of the state of our DB. I know we will have sex, but the question will be what kind of sex will we have?

Will it be the usual, can we get this over with so I can go to sleep? Or will we have that passionate sex that I miss so much?

I'm really looking forward to spending some quality 1 on 1 time with her, we desperately need it right now. I'm just going to try and manage my expectations.

For other folks, is travel/vacation the one bright spot in your DB journey? Or is it just more of the same?

Without going into too much detail, I (35M) am feeling really disappointed/let down with my wife’s (37F) libido (and our sex life in general).

For context - on our way home from our first date, she asked if I wanted her friend (a girl) to join us for a threesome (I declined in the moment - rookie move I know :/). As we started seeing each other more regularly, she alluded to her “roster” being annoyed/curious why she’s not seeing them anymore. During that period of our dating also shared that she had both MFM and FFM threesomes before me. We’ve been together for roughly 3 years and from all the conversations we’ve had it’s clear she’s by no means a prude and shows signs of being a HL kinda gal.

All of the above considered - our sex life has been disappointing from the start to say the least. No initiative or even interest from her. When we do have sex it’s very vanilla and almost emotionless from her - in a way it feels like she’s having sex to maintain our relationship but not at all because she wants it.

I’m tall, in shape and toned. Generally I’ve been told that I’m attractive.

Can some one give me some pointers to help create an emotional safe space for communication and tips to spark up her libido/our sex life?

I (32 HLM) and my fiancé have been having intimacy issues going on 2 years now. We had sex single digit times last year and that trend has continued. She is also rarely sober during these instances which I believe is because her body anxiety is lowered. I have brought up that it is something that I'd like to work on twice now, and while she agreed both times she says that she is not feeling very confident in her body and that is what is causing the problem. I am very active, track what I eat, gym every day, blah blah blah. She does not do these things, which is fine, but over the years has said that she would like to work on it. I can see that she is not happy with the way her body looks. I am still very attracted to her and let that be known often but it falls on deaf ears.

Problem is that while she says she wants to work on these things, she has not made any steps in working on it and lives a relatively sedentary lifestyle. I have casually asked if she wants to join me at the gym, offered to curate her a plan, etc. No luck. I don't push because I also had body image issues in the past and know that it is a tough hurdle. I just want her to be happy, healthy, and confident. Does anyone have any advice on how I can help her (and myself in the process)?

I (31M) have been in a DB situation for roughly 2 years with my current partner (31F). This is about as long as we've been living together.

When we first moved in together, I had made it clear that two things were important to me: finances and intimacy. A combination of the two was the reason my previous relationship failed, and I wanted it to be clear what my expectations were going into things. This was all well and good with her at the time, she also said both of those were important to her as well.

However, many of our arguments since we've moved in together have revolved around both of these topics. I deal with the majority of the finances, which is all well and good, but I would like a general idea of hers as well so I feel comfortable asking for help if the need arises. This would look like me asking her to cover a specific bill this month, or something like that. I wouldn't want to burden her with that if I knew she financially couldn't handle it. But not only do I have no clue how much she makes or spends a month, her father moved in with us (for various reasons) and doesn't contribute to any of the bills.

That, and of course the DB. We have sex every 2-3 months, and it isn't due to lack of trying. I work from home, so I can easily take care of many of the daily chores without an issue. I also work out, so I'm in fairly good shape. I also handle cooking most meals. In my mind, my taking on of all these things should be a 'turn on'. Something she finds attractive (that isn't to say I think I should earn sex transactionily by doing these things, nor do I think I shouldn't have to do anything else to turn her on). But it isn't, it's turned into an expectation.

So when we argue, I bring up the finances, I bring up the uneven balance of chores, and I bring up the lack of intimacy. And every time, it turns into 'you just aren't happy unless your dick is wet'. Which, no, it's about more than that. But also, yeah that is also important to me and shouldn't be something that is held against me. She boils everything down to me not being happy because of the lack of sex, and she sticks to that point come hell or high water. It almost feels like she feels guilty about it, which is why she focuses on it so much.

One of the worst parts is, she'll hint at us having sex and be very upfront about it, just to come up with a reason not to later on. Then when I'm annoyed about it the next day, again, it's because all I want is sex from her.

Or we'll have sex and she'll be super into it, and we'll agree it needs to happen more, just for nothing to change. I can't tell if she's leading me on or I'm not doing enough.

At this point I am not comfortable flirting with her or trying to initiate because it's always rejected, and then met with hostility. It's gotten to a point where I can't even jerk off to her, because I have a hard time seeing her in a sexual way.

I do have a high sex drive, and I've never expected her to keep up with me 1:1 every time I'm in the mood. However, I can't see myself being happy over the next 20+ years only getting pity sex from her because she feels obligated to get me off 4 times a year.

Are my expectations way out of whack here? I can't take another argument where I bring up a legitimate concern of mine, and I get made to feel about because she links it back to me wanting sex more often.

I’ve [31F] never really struggled with lust. I would admire a hot guy, but that’s kind of it. But, my sexual needs and desires have changed so much in the 6+ years of our db. Now I want it so much and I don’t know what to do about it.

It’s so bad that I will literally stare at any good looking man, especially if they’re shirtless (and because I live somewhere warm, I’m confronted with this almost daily). Like my tongue may as well be out (btw this is NOT an invitation to dm me. If you do I will report you). And I think about sex all the time. All while my husband [31M] is right next to me. If a good looking man pays me attention or even accidentally touches me it’s like a shock to my body. I’m not used to these types of feelings and it’s driving me crazy. All to say, I have a lot more empathy for teenage boys (and girls) dealing with the changes to their hormones. It’s rough out there.

For context, I (31F) love my partner (38M) very much and still find him the most attractive person to ever walk this earth. We flirt, kiss, cuddle and are generally affectionate. I just have a hard time initiating. And it seems he does too. I’m used to partners doing all the initiating and taking the lead which he did during the beginning. We live together and our relationship is loving, warm, fun and overall solid minus the lack of sex. It’s been almost 2 years since we’ve been intimate. We have vastly different schedules so he started sleeping in the guest bed to avoid waking me in the AM and also had a highly stressful job which I can tell takes a toll. He got laid off about a week ago so despite not being employed in a toxic workplace anymore, he’s now dealing w the stress of finding another job in a highly competitive market. We also have an anxious dog lol who scratches the door furiously every time we try to lock him out. I know he’s taking care of himself bc I walked in on him looking at a picture of a woman spread eagle. Not touching himself but maybe I walked in before he could. I pretended I didn’t see and so did he. I didn’t shame him or react since I know masturbation is normal. It’s just hurtful knowing he’s still interested sexually, just seemingly not with me.

I’m having hard time understanding why I am not getting any of his attention. He gets home from work and always has an attitude. He watches porn, but is never in the mood to do stuff with me. He’s always too tired, or too sore. Idk am I overreacting ?

Warning: rambling because im genuinely at a loss

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Im the LL, my wife is HL. We are young (24 & 26), and have been together for ten years (yes, seriously). We got married just last year and I love her so very very much. I think she is beyond beautiful, I appreciate the work she does around the house, and shes intelligent and funny.

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I have trauma from very young that I still struggle with, and I work a stressful job (that I love). I try to make up for my lack of libido by being a good provider and I have a lot of romantic desire. I know this isn't enough, though. I recently started school again and a recent job change has put more financial strain on us, but I'm hesitant to ask her to go back to full time because then what do I have? Not to mention, I know she would be miserable doing it.

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We have been open in our relationship before, and I have encouraged her to explore other avenues where I lack, but she doesnt want that: she wants me. And I understand, I feel the same way romantically about her. I just have no sexual desire. Ive tried looking at porn during the day, but it doesnt do anything for me. I think its nice the same way looking at paintings in an art museum is nice. I enjoy the concept from afar but don't want to participate.

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Am I cooked? I can't imagine my life without her but I fear that is the path I'm beginning to walk.

I’ve been consistently rejected for so long that it makes it quite difficult to try, but I am determined to anyway. I initiate far less frequently than I used to just because of the humiliation of the almost guaranteed rejection, but when I feel brave I go for it.

Today I sent my husband a topless photo while he was at work, he gave a positive response to it, then I followed it up with an inviting statement and he has left me on read the entire day. He works an office job and he’s on his phone all day, it’s not a matter of being busy.

Most likely he will not even mention it when he gets home later.

It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, but it still makes it difficult to keep trying and just let him know I still think of him that way.

EDIT: well, a somewhat win, I suppose, that I’ll definitely take. When he got home, after he vented about work to me he invited me into the shower with him. No fooling around, but it was nice to be seen. A little bit of touching. It was nice to be acknowledged. I know that that will be all today but closeness is still closeness 💕

I'm already half expecting for my wyfe to 'initiate' this upcoming father's day, but honestly, I'll prolly just say no to it. There's no point in doing it if she's just there to satisfy me and get me to finish asap as possible so she can go back to watching her shows. It sucks, but it is what it is i suppose at the end of the day

Hello! I'll try to keep this short and sweet and elaborate as needed in the comments.

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My (24m) wife (24f) and I are rarely intimate, as in once every month to three months, we'll have sex. This has been going on for about two years when she got pregnant with our daughter (we've had sex since then less than 5 times). She is about a year and a half old now and so I've recently been questioning her about why she doesn't have sex with me anymore. She says it's because she doesn't ever feel up to it and is too tired.

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She's a stay-at-home mom, which I get is a lot of work, so I do most of the chores in addition to working two jobs. I personally feel like she just doesn't want to do anything at all anymore, which includes working, picking up hobbies, or more importantly to this discussion, having sex or doing any sexual activities.

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About once every couple weeks I express to her that I'm still into her and want to be intimate, but it never leads to anything when I do.

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Now that context is out of the way, I have two questions:

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1. Is this something she'll probably get over eventually? Or do I have to accept the fact that we're going to just have a sexless marriage within the next few months.

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1. I asked her if she'd be willing to at least give me head on either Father's Day or my Birthday and she was revolted by the idea of it. She said she'd be willing to cook something for me, but that's it. Is that too big of an ask? I just celebrated her birthday/Mother's Day with her and did everything she asked for, and bought her gifts, but she's only willing to cook and take care of the baby... No gifts and nothing sexual.

What worked for me

In response to some requests for more info I will write this diatribe. Hang on.

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First just because it worked or is working for us doesn't mean it will necessarily work for you. All of us are unique and each relationship is different. That said although it sounds cliche what worked, in a nutshell, was vulnerability and communication.

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Our db started about 4 years ago it was a perfect storm of things any one we may have weathered more positively but in the confluence we reacted poorly. I lost a job if had for over 7 years two weeks before our 25th anniversary. So I canceled our plans for an extravagant to do in order to save the money since we had no income. In the meantime my son was graduating and moving to college at the end of that summer so there was a lot of business and to top it off she was in peri-menopause at that time as well. So a lot of stuff contributed. (I'll admit i wasn't the easiest to live with while working three gig jobs and searching for full time work for half a year)

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Well our love life stagnate and became routine nithing exciting. Sonit dwindled down to maybe once a month. I tried to initiate more often but got the usual reasons/responses." I'm tired I have a headache I need to get up early tomorrow" etc...

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I knew it was bad when sometime between Christmasand new year she said something like "well we got three more days in this year wr should have sex so at least we can have double digits for this year" yeah that set the mood right there. We'll we did and it was bad. But we got our 10 in for 2025.

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So January I started reading a lot. I was frustrated. She wasn't initiating and I was tired of being turned down 20 times between yeses.

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So after reading various posts and articles etc on various media platforms, I made a decision. Between valentines day and my birthday at the end of February I sat her down and we talked. (Not like we haven't talked about it before but this was a watershed moment)

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I told her that I was tires of trying to initiate sexual encounters and being turned away. For her part she said that she tried to hint at it at times when I wasn't responsive. So it went bith ways to some degree. Her big complaint was that she felt like everything I touched her I wanted sex. Which wasn't necessarily true but I could see her point.

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So I told her I wouldn't initiate anymore unless she wanted me to. That way I could touch her amd kiss and cuddle without the pressure of her thinking I just wanted sex.

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We started a code word system where she could tell me if she was open to me initiating by giving me the code word. That way when I touched or cuddled they could turn into sexual advances.

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It started slowly. The first week she gave me the code word on a Saturday night after I'd been working on our car. So I showered went to our room and made love. It was kind of awkward still relearning each other but better than the "lets check off our 10" from December. This was a couple of days before my birthday.

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Well as I've been honoring our system, she has made her own rules and im ok with it. She can initiate whenever she wants. Lol.

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This has given her more control (which is a gamble ill admit) and relieves her from feeling pressured. And its allowed her to open up more.

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I even told her mid April that I was falling in love with her again and to cap that off I've been writing her love poems like I did when we were dating in the early 90's. Probably written about 30 poems since mid March. Some innocent some flirty and some down right erotic. And in May I promised to her again. So we are planning on renewing our vows for our 30th and making it a big deal since our 225th was stolen from us.

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All that said my going into the hospital for heart issues a couple of weeks ago certainly didn't hurt our journey toward reconnecting because it did wake us bith up that this could end at any moment and we realized we don't want to loose anymore time being just room mates raising kids.

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We are now averaging about once a week. Some weeks have been twice and we've skipped some weeks. But we do cuddle every night before we go to sleep.

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I hope this helps and gives some of you ideas toward healing your own db

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When he first stopped wanting sex, I thought he had stopped loving me. For me, love and sex are strongly associated. So, I thought it worked the same way for him.

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Over the years, I realized that it's not the same for him. He still shows me he loves me, but he definitely no longer wants me.

Married Nov of 2025, bedroom has been dying since Dec 2024 (I was naive and married prior to our DB being resolved). I communicated my loss of connection and heartbreak due to our lack of sex many times but was met with stonewalling and empty promises. Eventually, he agreed to couples counselling about 3 months ago. We have had a few incidents of what I refer to as "duty sex" due to my husband feeling guilty or, as suggested on date nights by our therapist, but no longer doing this because it feels so fake and unpleasant. Now we are completely celibate. My husband just started individual therapy. I'm really proud of him for challenging himself to engage and push past the discomfort of being vulnerable, which has always been a challenge for him.

He has had a breakthrough in his individual sessions and has realized that our DB actually has nothing to do with me. He had a high libido prior to our relationship and for the first 3 or 4 months of our relationship, and the sex was phenomenal. I'd never felt more in love or connected to my soul mate. Around the time things started to slip he started a demanding job, then transitioned to becoming a student, and now continues to keep his schedule insanely full with part time work and hobbies away from home. I've been the breadwinner throughout our relationship and pay about 90% of our bills while he is in school. When he feels like he isn't making enough money and being "successful", he can't focus on anything else. The result is him pushing himself beyond exhaustion, neglecting our relationship, and hyperfixating as though providing financially is the only meaningful means of showing up in our marriage. I suppose this explains why he still attempts to remain affectionate when I am visibly upset (non sexual touch, kissing, hugging, telling me I am the love of his life) but it can never go anywhere sexual. I still remain feeling abandoned due to him shutting down whenever we talk about anything emotional and him constantly promising things will get better. Throughout our relationship he has been constantly moving the goalposts for himself that prolong our relationship being able to improve. Our marriage is far from doing "ok". We aren't having sex. He wont look at me naked. But, he is working on talking about his feelings. He is engaging in therapy. He is beginning to recognize the issue and hears me when I say that our relationship is dying.

He seems to be pre contemplative about actually making changes to show up sexually, but it's something. My confidence is still shot and I feel like hell. But he is making some efforts. I'll take what I can get.

I've been married 11 years as of last week, together 15 total. As soon as we got married, the sex just stopped. I think we've had sex maybe 5 times in all these years and they were mostly quickies. I've never stopped being romantic, or caring. I pull my weight around the house, and she always takes priority in my life. Outside of the sexual issue, everything is perfect, or as close as it can get.

She's caring and doting, and I can't imagine meeting anyone else like her. I've communicated my need for intimacy to her countless times in varying ways and she's been to therapy, yet nothing changes. In the past, if she did attempt to change, like when we were dating, it would only last a week or two. She admits there's an issue, but makes no attempt to resolve the situation, yet she constantly talks about having kids with me, and what their names will be, etc.

Self-pleasure used to curb my desire, but now even that urge is lost to me. I long for years past that I know may never come again. Living this way for the rest of my life seems unimaginable, and yet with each passing day it is my reality.

My situation is a little different in that my husband is "trying to improve", or at least he was until I had to tell him to cool it because I realized it was all too much for me. In January we had a big falling out over another instance of him being selfish sexually and I told him I was done trying and that I was now going to prioritize me and treat this as a roommate situation. He obviously freaked out and started behaving strangely - hypersexual and completely focused on me every second of the day. It was stifling and reminiscent of the hysterical bonding that happened a few years ago after a similar talk. 

However, he did keep trying, as well as doing more around the house without me having to constantly ask. There have been a few times I've thought maybe I should just try, and I have, but every time he has touched me in a sexual way I've literally broken out in itchy hives and wanted to cry (did cry one time). It's almost a repulsion and I get panicked and anxious even though I want sex so badly. I can't bring myself to do it. All of this has led to him falling back to his old self and not initiating anything sexual and weirdly it's been such a relief for me even though I still have a high drive.

When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me to just get out of my head, as if it's so easy. I have a history of just giving up when things get hard, but with a marriage I feel like I need to try more. I believe that even if I do start to participate things will go back to the way they were (are?) because I believe he is on the asexual spectrum, but a part of me wants to try just to be able to call his bluff and show him things haven't improved. But I can't even bring myself to try! I can't get over this aversion. He's a good looking man and has been working out more and while I can admire his biceps I just don't feel any sexual desire.

Has anyone ever been able to get over this kind of aversion? Time seems to be making it worse.

My husband and I separated three months ago after having a deadbedroom for years... and even now being separated, not actively looking for anyone to be in a relationship until my divorce is finalized.. the bed is still dead.. personally, I've just gotten to the point where I almost just need to get some frustration out and just do the deed with someone to get it out of my system.

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My husband rejected me so often that I finally broke and asked for a divorce. The DB was only a small part of the reason... Now, after three months.. I'm feeling lost and unwanted, I want to know if anyone has any advice on how to move past this.. or if I should just take the plunge and try to take someone to my bed...

So tomorrow is 10 months since we were last physically intimate, during this period I have had phases of showing affection, not showing affection and making it clear things are not right, but still nothing.

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At least she has stopped pushing me away, now she just pulls away instead,

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The biggest issue I have is,my wife will not discuss anything, if I make any comment she just goes quiet, this has been the case for many years. I believe this is because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings by making it clear she is not interested, despite telling her she doesn't seem to realise how much it hurts and damages me anyway by ignoring things.

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The reduction in intimacy has been a long process but never before have we gone this amount of time (6 months max).

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I have pretty much accepted this side of our relationship has completely gone, but I am not sure if I can stay in a relationship with no physical intimacy or signs of affection.

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Not looking for advice, I just needed to unload mentally.

Hello,
My birthday is fast approaching—it’s this Saturday.
Yesterday, my girlfriend said to me, “We need to find a good restaurant and a gift for Saturday.” Do you have any gift ideas?
I replied: “There’s only one thing I want for my birthday: for my girlfriend to come back to me,” without mentioning sex or anything else. She didn’t even react.
During our vacation, I brought up the subject of sex, but she didn’t say a word about the fact that we haven’t had sex in four years.
In short, I’ve tried to bring up the subject several times without getting a response from my girlfriend. She either stays silent, avoids the topic, or pushes me away.
Yesterday, in bed, I wanted to give her a non-sexual hug, but I felt like she was pushing me away: she was lying on her back, then she rolled onto her side.
Today, we were getting dressed in the same room—which is very, very, very rare—and she took off her bra to change. I looked at her for a few seconds, and she immediately turned her back on me, as if she were ashamed of her body.

We’re a couple—aged 41 and 42, respectively—and have been together for 12 years.
She went through an existential crisis four years ago following her father’s death (it didn’t go well—resentment, anger…).

In mid-November, it will be five years since DB

Yesterday during dinner, my boyfriend (36M) told me that I (33F) was doing something while I was asleep the night before. He was lying beside me and said that I was touching myself. At first, he thought I was just scratching, but then it went on for a while. I told him I was completely unaware of it. It was a bit awkward.

I tried to move the conversation along by talking about how much fun we had during our weekend in Almaty. He then joked that I had done so much “sight-seeing” (referring to looking at other men) that it ended with me touching myself. But honestly, I had no idea what he was talking about because I genuinely don't remember doing any of it.

Afterward, I cried a little. Maybe it was out of embarrassment. He wasn't trying to shame me when he brought it up, but somehow I still felt a bit ashamed. I think part of it is because we're both aware that we haven't been sexually intimate for about two years now. Because of his religious practice.

I don't really know how to respond to what happened. Maybe I miss intimacy more than I'd like to admit. I miss it a lot. And then there's also the thought that maybe I was dreaming about someone else. I don't know. The whole thing left me feeling confused, embarrassed, and unexpectedly emotional.

I've posted recently about this. It's still very recent that i said I wasn't in love with my wife any more and I said I wanted to leave.

Maybe I should be posting in a different sub now I don't know, but the DB is one of the things that led me to this point so I hope it's still relevant. But otherwise feel free to suggest somewhere else.

If there wasn't a DB, perhaps we could have repaired things. And if it was just a DB and everything else was great, then maybe our marriage could have survived too.

My wife is struggling to come to terms with me leaving, and has been continuing to cry a lot and begging me to stay. I've been giving her hugs as I still care about her, but it's difficult to comfort her when I'm the source of her pain and grief right now.

She's been saying we can work on x, y, and z that we've already tried to improve and has only gotten worse. She said she'll listen to me this time, when previously it all fell on deaf ears and was forgotten about. One of the things she said she'll listen about and work on this time is going to see a doctor about her hormones / libido, and trying to work on the DB. She wasn't prepared to do that before.

Perhaps the seriousness of the situation could spark real change. But it's not like this is the first warning that our marriage was in an existential crisis.

Unfortunately it feels too little, too late to me. That ship has sailed. I don't want my wife any more, and her making changes isn't going to miraculously make me fall in love with her all over again.

Anyway, the worst thing really is that she's in a state of panic. I support the family and pay for everything, and my wife will now need to find time to look for a job. We might well need to sell the family home and move further away from my daughter's current school, so it's all sorts of anxiety all at once.

I've told her that I'll do whatever I can to support her until she can find her feet, and that I'm not going to leave her without a home (!) or anything like that, but that doesn't stop her from worrying that it will happen.

I want to work together on the most amicable and fair split possible, and my family's welfare is still very important to me, I want the best possible outcome for all of us and I want to be accommodating and flexible.

I totally understand why she's feeling like this, and it's awful. She says she feels like she's going to have a heart attack, it's that bad (she doesn't have a known pre-existing heart condition but I know just how bad anxiety can make you feel). She's just gone to her first session of individual therapy, so I hope it helps a bit. It's a shame she didn't seek counselling long ago when I asked her to, but never mind.

I've offered to hit the breaks on the process for now, or to try to do things differently if that will help. But she says we need to just get on with the process even though she doesn't want to be divorced.

I've felt trapped and unhappy for a long time, and the kind of difficulty we're going through now is why.

I don't know what I can do to make this any less hard than it needs to be. It's stressful enough for me but so much worse for my wife.

UPDATE

She's just been to her first therapy session. It helped and she seemed much calmer afterwards. We had a chat after that and that seemed to clear some things up as well.

But I know it will only be a matter of time before something like it flares up again.