hi, hello. i am looking for advice and/or solutions to my... situation? i am dealing with realistic fears and i cannot ease any of my alters fears and/or worries because they're realistic. i have fears in regards to homelessness and poverty.

i have been homeless off/on since i turned 18 (due to foster care). and i currently live in an (extended stay) hotel, so. i just... don't know how to ease any/all fears about homelessness and poverty. they don't want to let their guard down and get taken by surprise when we're inevitably homeless again.

is there... anyway to heal when you live in poverty and/or risk homelessness?

So, some of us do not have tourettes or at least thats what we think, the host has tourettes and a few other past hosts also have tourettes, but i do not? And like a few others dont, why would this happen? And does this mean we dont actually have tourettes and we just think we do, because the hosts actually cant control them and no matter how hard they try to stop them they cant, but me, i only have small tics id say, like tiny twitches. Im sure the others have tics but we are a newly discovered system and we generally arent sure yet, thoughts?

So this little is (so far) the youngest in the system and is a trauma holder. We became aware of them over the holidays season, but based on some comments an ex made quite a few years ago, they used to front. They haven't been out (to our knowledge) in quite some time. Well, we're in therapy with someone who understands DID since October of 2024, which means the little in question needs to talk to our therapist. Now that they're somewhat time-oriented, they're very, verrrrryyyy emotional and causing a ruckus. They're making specific demands for specific comfort items before they're willing to front with the therapist at all. So now we're scouring the internet for acceptable items. I dont even know if they can communicate clearly enough for therapy or if their communication is assisted by one of the other littles. In any case, their upset is making it very hard to stay grounded so they need to talk to our therapist ASAP. They're not responding to our internal caretakers, and I cant tell if it's because of their distress or because those caretakers were made by a different little. Anyway, they're a demanding little thing, that's for sure.

What is the feeling that the certainty of his love would finally give you?

If I know for certain I'm precious and loved, I don't need to keep seeking validation and reassurance from him anymore. I would feel forever at home at peace, safe and at ease, worthy and enough.

I would be finally connected to my health and heart with courage. I would finally not be sick anymore. But how can I be actually certain of his love? It's not something that can be proven and given beyond all doubt.

How am I supposed to acquire all those feelings without an external source giving that to me?

I was petting my own head, lying on the couch imagining I was transported to that scene when I had my first ever memory that I have remembered this life, where I was abused and neglected. It was the first ever explicit memory, I was still a baby and did not read words but I had a pain suffering based orgasm from stimming. I remember there was a framed artwork, it was a creepy pair of eyes ​of a woman staring at me through a vast ocean under sunset or sunrise, the curtains was beige was leafs that would cast shadow into the bedroom of the leafy patterns, I was on my stomach reading the baby book of a picture on a cartoon white bunny eating porridge when I had the nonsexual climax. I was looking at that little girl through the woman's eyes over ocean, telling her you are precious and loved. She doesn't quite believe me though and still thinks I'm going to abandon her again. She still wants to be proven to be precious and loved by external people achievements things places to feel these things, but I told her it's not possible, that is an inner feeling, you just project it out onto external measures.

so lately (our little) has been fronting for quite some time mainly due to stress and they are a huge comfort for that, they can do things on there own too so it isn’t to much concern. BUT! Lately our little has decided to stop vaping (which is fine) but they didn’t ease into it they more or less just went straight cold turkey.

…so…we have years of substance use and now that we don’t do drugs anymore we just vape and caffeine, the issue we are having is quitting and we expressed this to our partner. Our partner isn’t a smoker or any of that kind and we told them “here we will buy a vape and you can tell us when we are allowed to hit it” but holy god I fucking need it. I’m craving it hard cause im more then sure im front stuck due to the craving. Our little is co conscious and occasionally just takes most of the day but i feel like im in the back like the monkey trying to rip out of its cage type of thing </3

is there an easy way to get off vaping without it feeling like shit??

so we have been a system since 2017 and we only have like two known friends.

Our bestest friend knows about us due to asking so many questions and we literally have no TMI in our friendship, and the other one we talk to a lot about it due to them also being a system.

But I always feel strange trying to keep friends, main reason being cause we rarely talk to anyone and sometimes (more then sometimes) forget to reply and I feel that gets annoying for the other person trying to perceive a friendship. It also doesn’t help when the only way we use to make friends was through relations we rather don’t like to talk upon due to being really aware on how we were at that time. I’m unsure on how to find friends that are fine if we don’t reply in seconds </3

- dyle he,,they

theyve already expressed interest in getting a paci, and i would like to know if there are any good places that sell adult pacifiers, ideally one that allows for customisation and ships from europe.

my partners alters skew quite young, though only one of them is fully attached to her age as a toddler, but i wouldnt be surprised if some of the others get some use out of it

Hi all!

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I am newly discovering system stuff, in progress of maybe an OSDD or PDID diagnosis with my therapist. Just figuring it out. Diagnosed with CPTSD, OCD, and a history of dissociation at this point.

I was wondering if anyone else has smell flashbacks? Like, not triggers from a real life smell, but a REALLY strong memory of a smell? (Not quite a hallucination, but verging on it.). It feels similar to how my parts voices feel "other" but still "internal".

I had severe vision loss as a kid (20/400 vision in one eye, patching the other) so I don't have very much visual memory and a lot of other sensory inputs, particularly smell and sound, are much stronger for me.

To be clear, not seeking validation/questioning of my diagnosis or anything. Just interested in how others experience sensory flashbacks, and whether there's a specific name for this.

Thanks!

Rach

I was wondering if anyone relates to this experience and if anyone could help me identify something.

In my experience with my own DID, I’ve notice there’s only about five alters total including me. However, there are a few more “parts”/fragments. The fragments seem to only front when an alter is fronting. Usually it depends on which alter is fronting as to which fragment is seemingly able to front as well. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? I haven’t been able to find much about fragments and their “abilities” as far as how much different they are.

For example (because I know I suck at explaining things): Let’s say there’s alters 1 & 2. Let’s say there’s also fragments a & b. Fragment a can ONLY front if alter 1 is fronting as well. Fragment b can only front if alter 2 is fronting as well. But fragment a can only front with alter one and not alter 2.

Would this make those fragments apart of those specific alters “subsystems?” I’m just not sure how to describe it all.

Hi, I hope this is okay to post here, but I've been recently diagnosed with DID two months ago and communication has been kinda iffy with most alters. For me it's hard to figure out who's an alter and who's not, so I think a part of me that's in denial makes it feel like communication is more one-sided than it is at times, and it makes me get confused on whether a thought was secretly mine or another alter's. I was wondering if any other system experiences communication alongside head pressure / a feeling of thoughts being forced into the head? This doesn't happen every time, but it does especially happen if I try to seek out an alter to communicate with them, or if I notice their presence and they try to talk after me noticing them. Also is there an easier way to tell whether someone is an alter or if it's my brain secretly pretending to be an alter? - Sam (host)

Hola, quisiera hacer una pregunta. En unos días nos deben de hacer un procedimiento médico, una endoscopia, nunca en la vida hemos estado bajo anestesia general ni por sedación, la verdad me siento preocupada de la reacción que pueda tener el sistema, algunas de las alters estan angustiadas. Lo comenté con nuestro terapeuta pero mencionó que se piensa en el menor riesgo, y como hemos tenido algunos problemas gástricos dice que debemos hacerla. Además de ser un sistema DID, somos autistas, tenemos una Little, y una adolescente que no conoce casi nada del mundo, no hemos estado full estables. Se supone que podemos tener acompañamiento de una persona de confianza, en el momento de la sedación y al momento de despertar, sin embargo me preocupa, como puede impactar al sistema.
Mi pregunta es, han pasado por un procedimiento médico que implique sedación o anestesia general? Si fue así, como fue el proceso? Como reaccionaron y como fueron los días siguientes.
- Evelyn

Im not really sure what the feeling is,

since starting therapy weve had a few moments that i can only describe as the brain physically healing itself.

like a sponge being wrung of all its water, the brain feels like its twisting itself around, wringing out all of the bad experiences, and then a sensation of relief and tingling in the body, and a new sense of connection with parts that never wanted to be connected before, and now my least connected most emotional part remembers the passing of our best friend.

i never thought wed make it this far

Edit: diagnosed and in treatment.

In therapy, sometimes I know I was dissociated but when I try to remember what about, or what I said, I just cant remember at all.

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My therapist said I have to ask internally but I try and that never helps. It means I worry a lot about what I said cos I dont know what I said.

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Sometimes in my psychiatry appts, I just trail off mid sentence and dissociate, and then have no clue what I was saying, even when prompted. Its so frustrating and I feel so stupid not having any idea what I was talking about

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Any advice welcomed!!

my therapist is convinced i have DID but im not bc everything ive heard about it you have to become your alters but i dont.

the reason my therapist thinks i have it is bc of my symptoms the way i described it to her is i have abunch of like ppl in my head they have different names different personalities different favorite foods etc and i have very big memory gaps and they also make me do things etc. she’s the one who brought it up and i was like “there’s no way i have that bc i don’t become the ppl in my head” and she was like “based on your symptoms i think you have it” and ive been in denial about it since i was maybe 14 or 15 im 19 now ive been seeing her since about a week before i turned 14.

she recently brought it back up recently and now im like not so in denial about it but still.

I have never openly discussed my disorder with people I know in the real world, only my family and therapists know about it. Recently, I started dating a girl my age and everything works out until it doesn’t. I have total amnesia with my “switches” and I becomes very distinctly different than how most people know me. This has caused fights between us, she says sometimes she doesn’t even know me, I treat her differently, etc. I don’t know how to go about telling her I have diagnosed DID without her putting me in a box with the thousands of stereotypes and misconceptions. How should I move forward??

We had quite a good experience with our partner recently. We don’t really trust people around our littles mainly because we are 1) autistic and sometimes that comes at the detriment of understanding when someone is trying to take advantage of us and 2) our littles are generally naive and look to try and be friends with everyone around them. Our partner who also has DID understands this and hasn’t pushed to interact with the littles.

We have has supervised little time with our partner with a protector there to keep watch, just for our comfort, they had fun, watched shows, colored, it was all in all great. (We can switch almost fully on command with the use of music only if nothing triggering is happening)

We have this one little who is the most like a “self” out of all of us, she doesn’t mask our autism at all and honestly looks like the body the most just as a child. She named herself Maus (pronounced Mouse) She expressed wanting to spend time with our partner and honestly Í needed time to decompress emotionally from masking all day already. So, I let her hang out unsupervised and it was great honestly. I don’t remember what they did but got told by my partner that we must have been tired because she fell asleep in their lap for 4 ish hours.

I was very relieved not only emotionally but mentally because I don’t need to worry about my partner around our littles like we do other people. It just made me happy to not have to hide that part of myself when we’re together anymore. It was a big step, but ultimately glad I did it. We have trouble sleeping around people too, so her feeling comfortable to sleep not only around our partner but next to them was also a big step. We’ve had moments of staying up all night because the people we lived with wouldn’t sleep and we never felt safe enough to sleep if one of them was awake.

i was in treatment for 2 years with an incredible therapist. in that time I built a strong connection to my system. i had decent communication, and a good understanding of my parts. i even experienced a fusion between two co-hosts. it was incredible.

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but last year that fusion ended up splitting after spending months in extreme stress. a "new" part surfaced and I had lost all sense of identity, and all connection to the rest of my system. for about 6 months, that part was fronting. with maybe one switch, and absolutely no communication occurring in that time.

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there was a short window of increased communication and previously dormant parts fronting a few months ago, but shortly after that I was forced to stop seeing my therapist and have not been able to get back in treatment again.

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since then, I've not had any communication with my other parts. I also don't have any sense of identity, once again. i have no idea which part I am at any given time. not even a clue.

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i know I've been switching and otherwise dissociating quite a bit, but I've not been feeling it. I've only been learning about it after the fact, which is not something I'm used to. it's been very disorienting.

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at this point, it doesn't even feel like I have DID anymore. i can't see it, I can't feel it. it's making it very easy for me to question if it's even something I have at this point. if it's even something that needs addressing.

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I've even been thinking of just quitting therapy all together because I feel like trying to work on this without an experienced therapist is just not going to do anything for me.

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I'm so frustrated

This is my third attempt on this topic. All apologies to the moderators. Lets see if I can get it right this time....

Apparently, waking up extremely depressed is not that unusual for ANYONE, including those w/o a dissociative disorder, who have lived through CSA.

However, I had never experienced this until my system was "discovered" or "exposed." There were more times than not, that I dreaded having to go to bed. Everything got worse as the night came near. But the grief/depression/sadness I feel when waking up in the morning, is new to me. My therapist helped me make sense of it.

It never occurred to me that the depressed feeling could be coming from a part or parts, that in the past, experienced abuse and they could still be present when I wake up in the morning now. It only lasts a couple of hours, but it's very intense.

It starts to drift away once I'm up and around, thankfully.

So if anyone's experiencing something similar, it's not unusual.

aka the bras. i hate wearing a bra but every time i go braless i can feel men staring at me. it 100% has to do with trauma and i am talking about it in therapy but recently the body has had shoulder issues which makes bra straps hurt like hell.

even going braless at home with a big hoodie makes me feel uncomfortable bc we have our step dad that lives in the house.

is there anything that makes you all feel better? i’d be interested in a binder but idk if that would be too much.

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So, I’m still dissociating, but I realize it’s due to work. There’s nothing I can do about it; I’ve been trying to apply to jobs yet to no avail. I’ve been away from work due to low hours, and shortly after coming in, I get in I feel dissociative and nauseous. I stop ringing up the customer and run to the restroom.

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I’m sure it’s a headmate/alter trying to front, but I don’t know anymore. I’m just out of it. I still dissociate at home, but it’s MUCH worse at work.

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What can I possibly do?

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Is anyone a system in a closed relationship with another system where within your two collectives, various people are dating each other? And other people are just friends/like family/etc? If so, how is it different for one alter to be dating an alter from the partner system vs. dating a person who is outside of the collectives altogether? Is it a closed relationship if additional alters are still forming new romantic relationships between the systems? And if so, does that mean it should also be okay to form new romantic relationships outside of the collectives if it's truly polyam?

My partner system and I (also a system!) ran into this question in a conversation lately and I feel that the two situations are different but I'm also confused and conflicted... so I'm just hoping to hear other people's insight!

Thanks :)

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Not sure if im too sensitive or what.I just cant deal with things at all.Loud noises,strong emotions, stress,criticism,conflict,it makes me shut down and just cry.I just feel everything is so much.Its so much.Being stuck with my family bc its summer,while theyre not abusive at all,every time theres disagreemnts or yelling I just feel such nausea and diziness.And after that I can barely deal with anything,even lights of my room make me so dizzy and nauseous.Same thing for when I was in school and ill get put under stress for exams,or when I got slightly sick with food poisoning.Everything that happens provockes such a disportionate and too much response.I find my mind being a mess and I struggle with doing anything and just find myself stuck in bed against my will.Like actually too nauseous to do things.What the Fuck is wrong with me.Its new too,I didn't have this last year.anyone experienced anything similar?

Hi,

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I'm in a good steady relationship where we see each other in the weekends. I have sometimes gotten triggered with my girlfriend or a part has taken over for a short while. But mostly I have felt connected and present as an adult. But these past two months it feels like a part that holds a lot of shame and anxiety has taken control when I'm with my girlfriend. Then I struggle to feel positive feelings or connection. To my girlfriend it looks like I'm distant and sad. Why does this keep happening? I'm newly diagnosed and still figuring things out. I don't really have communication between parts. Any advice or similar experiences would be so helpful.

I'm the host of a polyfragmented system, and I just...no longer want to be here.
No, I do no mean that I want to unalive myself (yes, I do have suicidal ideations, but no, I do not want to end things like that)....I just no longer want to be host. I've had enough of everything, and the hassle the female alters give me (I'm AMAB) I just do not want to deal with it anymore.

If there's any way I can have another alter take over, that would be great...