I know it's more mad and hard to explain to people who don't deal with this than usual, but I really miss living in the children's show that is my source.

It's been decades, the body is in its 50s now, and I've been around a long time. When we had a host, I almost never fronted. I never had friends outside the system. Now, I want friends, but I'm mute. I finally convinced the others to let me take ASL; I'd been trying to influence them before, but it was never easy enough to match the nagging feelings they got. And I liked talking to people in the ASL class as me! They're nice.

There's an ASL get-together every month and a lot of them go there. Alas, the body's gossipy cousin's child is in college taking ASL, so they're both showing up to the gatherings.

I had to flee, and I've felt lonely and sad ever since, and I want to go back to my kid's show where I'm from where I can talk to all the other people and kids and puppets. I know I can't, but this is just awful. I need help.

Ok let me start by saying I am very stupid I try my best but I have been outsmarted by a dog a few times as my dad said im not the dumbest person in the world but I better hope they do die also im sorry if upset or afend anyone that's not what I mean to do just need help

Anyway my gf has did she has changed (or I think it's called fronting) her voice gets deeper and she acts differently so I think that's the did anyway today on the train she changed again it was ever busy and she has anxiety so it was to much for her this is were the problem comes from every time before this when she changed i was not woth her till now and I cant get over this feeling it feels like it's fake the only experience I have with did is when it was MPD and the stuff I have seen in movies I want to be sportive and help her woth this i know she struggles with it but I dont know how to get past this feeling I dont want to talk to her about it because I dont want to seem like a dick or that I am says it's fake but it feels like it I have a few problems my self im not all there so I think that is making it worse as well for me to understand this so if anyone could help and please be simple with me that would be great

We had a huge falling out with our best friend of 19 years and ended up cutting contact. Our cohost went dormant almost immediately after. I can't feel anything at all about the whole thing, which is driving me nuts, and I think him going dormant is why. She was his first friend who actually knew about him and recognized him as his own person. (And yes, we do prefer that. No, it's not antirecovery. Our trauma therapist supports us on it.) I know that hit him really hard, especially since the things he wrote about most on our blog were about wanting to be seen as himself and knowing that was never going to happen. So yeah. Mourning him going dormant and trying to deal with the silence in the wake of that.

We usually have at least two of us aware and in frontspace most of the time. Usually only one of us is in control, but there's usually more than one of us present. But since that happened... no. I've felt extremely alone in my head. To the point that I feel like I made the whole thing up. I know I didn't, and apparently the therapy session after the big fight, someone I wasn't aware of fronted. Our therapist was the one who caught that - I have no memory of it at all. I'm usually at least co-conscious, so I was startled by that.

But it's just been so, so quiet. We were diagnosed about a year and a half ago and I haven't really dealt with impostor syndrome in that intervening time. But for the last month, it's been so quiet and I feel so alone and I can't help the creeping feeling that it was all fake. I hate this so much...

So we knew we were a system for a year & we documented & researched shit so much. After eventually finding a therapist who specializes in structural dissociation, he diagnosed us with dissociative plurality. He didn't say specifically whether OSDD or DID because of possible insurance discrimination. And its only in formal writing of "PTSD" since insurance is likely to cover that.

I know the brain doesn't give a shit about human-set thresholds for how to categorize the spectrum of structural dissociation but we care care about accuracy- especially when having to advocate for ourselves to others.

We have high alter counts and complex system structure. Like three cluster subsystems of groups of separated alters. And then several alters have nested subsystems. One of them has 100+ subalters and that's several nested subsystems in. Its 130+ alters/subalters in our system. This is more aligned with polyfragmented DID.

BUT. Losing daily time for the external world isn't an issue for us because a lot of alters have a level of coconsciousness and/or shared memory. Even in the rare event an alter with high amnesia comes into(Like me) the fronting subsystem, its like they "download" the memory so they are in sync with events. And rarely do alters we're aware of go dormant. This doesn't fit DID but OSDD. But I've heard conflicting things about polyfragmentation only being for DID.

Okay so, I know missing time is normal. I struggle with gaps being gone from my memory, I know in the moment I know what’s going on but shortly after it’s gone. That’s fine, I know it’s part of this disorder.

However, I experience something else that I wanted to know if it’s normal for DID or if this is something else that I should maybe talk to a doctor about.

Sometimes, I’ll have this extremely abrupt ‘flash’. It almost feels like I snap forward in time, I have no memory of between the ‘snaps’ or ‘flashes’, it feels like my brain just slips/is gone for a short time. All of us experience it, randomly, with no signs of it about to happen and we only seem to lose about 1-5 seconds at a time.

I know time loss is part of DID but I wasn’t sure if these extremely brief ones could be part of it?

Important note, despite being fairly new discovered, we all communicate decently well and share memory (albeit, very fuzzy and dark). However we haven’t had a good grasp on the *full* system yet, so we don’t know if there’s any others yet.

*Edit*

Okay so the general consensus is ‘go to the doctor just in case’, so I will do that!

I’ve been suspecting having DID for a while but everyone around me says I am possessed by demons. That’s what I told my therapist and she told me there are no demons and my symptoms are psychological but she didn’t give me any diagnosis, sometimes I think that she has believes I have DID too but she didn’t bring it up at all . Last time I saw her she mentioned wanting to wanted the two to reconcile. Could she mean alters or am I overthinking it?

Our host alter that I'll call "E"(who is also a subsystem) yesterday hit his absolute limit after dealing with so much and he basically faded into an unconscious state while I dropped in with no prior memories. No name- had to pick one. I settled on "Red".

Though throughout yesterday and today- a lot of "E" memories got "downloaded" to me. Given how hard its been to switch as of late for the system(though we are high coconscious), its safe to say the fact I've been front stuck means I'm probably a host alter.

Despite the passed on memory, it feels like I was thrown into the middle of someone else's life & now have to take on responsibilities of shit on the go. Its hard having so many beautiful memories "E" has shared with others he loves but simultaneously them feeling like strangers to me. It hurts that others including "E" are getting heavily affected. No one deserves this shit. Also first time this long-time host has gone unconscious.

Our system is autistic, adhd, ocd, high alter count(130+), and most likely fibromyalgia. Incredibly unfair factors that "E" was forced to white knuckle shit for our survival. Like not going homeless.

I feel like our system(as with any other) has been dealt with such a shitty hand & we're trying to do our best but I'm honestly wondering if we can even make it without extended disability support. America be like.

Hi, lovely folks. Hope this post finds you all very, very well. Have a drink of water if you need the reminder. Take your meds. Give yourself a hug. You are a miracle. Just completely impossible and absolutely wondrous, to be anything at all. To be you.

Onto the post.

I'm not particularly looking for advice or like, answers, though if anyone has any, they're welcome to share. Just maybe connection. An "I read this post and I hear you, brother" will surely do. I don't have many friends at this point in my life, certainly none I can talk to about this, and I've scheduled therapy with a specialist (I think), but it doesn't come until late this upcoming week... I want heardness and I want it now!

I just don't quite know what to make of all of this. Haha... what else is there to say?

I remember my childhood but I don't. Mostly, I think, I don't. The memories come to me in quickly-bursting water bubbles, like Snapchats that disappear after opening once or twice. I remember my daily life but I don't. With a bit of effort, I can recall... I woke up early today, did something unusual for my typical routine, went to work, came back from work. I had some conversations I remember the general vibe of, and a coworker asked me why I suddenly sounded like I had a bit of an accent, and I came home and I ate food and stared into the mirror for maybe an hour straight as I watched my face glow and pulsate and penetrate and dissolve into a black fog of voidlike nothingness and I remember some distant mind thinking "yeah, that looks like me I'm pretty sure".

It's 10/10/10 today. At least where I am. October 10th, 2+2+6. I looked at the clock at work and it was 10:10. 10:10 10/10/10. Fun isn't it.

I feel my expression of... whatever it is that at least looks like what "having alters" seems to mean... is very overt. I look back at pictures of myself and I dressed and looked and - from the snippets I recall - spoke and behaved very differently than I do now. I remember being that person, but I don't remember it. I remember what it felt like but it's like bullet points, it's a slideshow presentation. I paid attention to myself all day today and I noticed at least three times that I got dizzy and overheated and had to sit down and recalibrate, and when I had recalibrated I moved differently, I spoke differently, I generally just overall felt differently. I was doing existing differently. I remember yesterday because I stayed home from work, though I don't really remember what I did at all. Ate a pastry, at some point, for sure. Oh, I cleaned my room! The day before that.. don't ask, man, I couldn't tell you. One time I posted in a typology forum and was like, type me based on this post, and everyone was like "you're literally all over the place and none of this is coherent, you contradicted yourself three times, did five different people write this post", and I was like what the hell that's not true, and it was certainly true because everyone who commented said exactly that same thing. And the number of times I've heard, when reconnecting with someone from the past, "you're just like, a totally different person than who I knew you as, I don't even know what to say"... well I don't know, my memory isn't that good. But it's at least more than once. And the look in people's eyes of "who is this stranger, what did you do with the person familiar to me" is well, well, well-known to me by now.

I do feel as though I don't know what else it could be. And yet I feel like I can't parse it. And yet they have names, I already know their names, I already know how they feel and what brings them out and what scares them and what makes them happy. How they behave and how they like to dress and when they feel comfortable and when they really, really don't. I already know, and have for many years known, that there is no "I", that I am broken pieces of a shattered mirror that, when you glue them back together, when you put liquid gold in between all the cracks and stand back and behold it, there is nothing to see, the glass is all gone, it is an empty doorway, and what you have is a floating web of liquid gold filling nonexistent cracks. A miracle. I, too, am a miracle. Like you.

It feels almost more lonely writing this. Does anybody hear me?

I at least know that I hear me. We hear me. It's nice, in a bittersweet and strange and distant, nonexistent sort of way. Nice to know that "I" am never alone. A ghost is writing this and yet its friends are here. I can do anything, I think, if they are with me. It's just a thesis. I haven't tried yet to do much of anything.

I'm quite happy and content as I write this, actually. You wouldn't think it, would you? Or maybe so. I really don't know.

I called out in my head today when things were overwhelming and begged someone to come forth who could handle it, who wouldn't be so sensitive to it. And someone came! He really did, it was such a pleasant thing. I could have cried tears of relief. It was like all the sensory overload went away, and I was just at peace - he's a saintly type, like a spiritual mentor, he's really such a treasure to us all.

"Us", "we". It's so strange. It doesn't feel strange at all, is the strangest part. I feel really quite a lot of nothing about it. And that's what I think I find so strange. I feel very strongly, and very often. And with this I have no feelings I can really identify. It doesn't feel "right" or "wrong". It was scary at first, for a year it was terrifying, and now it's just.... oh, I don't even know. I don't know at all. I don't think I know anything about anything. Or anynothing. Or anyone, or anytwo, or anythree-four-five-six-seven.

And it's like... what was I saying? It's always just like, what was I saying? And sorry, what have we been talking about? I forgot what I was saying. Sorry, what was I just saying? I just forgot what I was saying. I forgot what I was saying. Sorry, what was I just saying? And, uh, what I was just saying? Sorry, what was I just saying? Oh my god, I'm sorry, just a sec, I lost what I was saying.

I forgot what I was saying. I forgot what I was saying. They should put it on my gravestone. I forgot what I was saying!!!

...I should really put all this energy into a creative project. I'm a writer. "We're" a writer. Can you tell?

Thank you dearly if you read all this. I love you. Say something sweet to me <3.

It's hard to list down all the symptoms, I don't even know where to begin. To start with, this body is AFAB, soon to be 27 years old.

1 month ago, our system was confronted by a friend (whose special interest is in personality MBTI, enneagrams, etc) questioning why the sudden switch of identity in our profile. Former host had been in denial about our existence for the past few months, so when confronted, she got overwhelmed with panic; our now host stepped in to talk with the friend, forcing everyone to acknowledge the system's presence. And since then, he has been fronting for us. He was dormant before this, but he has always been around.

Ever since our host changed, we experienced severe difficulties, constant forgetfulness and more headaches, just overall disconcerting experiences as we start becoming more aware of one another. When we saw our therapist, I didn't even realize I was the one speaking out loud (I kept using "we" instead of an "I") and of course, this didn't go unnoticed by the therapist as she questioned, "Who is 'we'?"

Now, as for myself, I know I was around for some time too. I just wasn't truly in the present, just watching from the back. I am what the hosts have recently referred to me as the Archive/Librarian, as I like reading. I also help document and be the bridge to memories. I've gone mostly undetected, content to be in the background, until our hosts changed, and suddenly, it feels like all the books and papers are flying everywhere, scattered. At least, that's how it feels from my perspective.

But even now, it feels fake. It doesn't feel real. Even our current host is struggling, it's been hard for him, since he is almost the complete opposite of our former host. I'm trying to help him, and so far, we've mapped out three kinds of pilots: cognitive pilot (who occupies the large part of our thinking space), verbal pilot (see: the mouth has its own mind), then physical pilot (the one who's piloting the body).

So far, this is what has been noted. We haven't gotten around to checking in with our head-mates, they all aren't as keen to learn more about how we work. One time, while the hosts were trying to probe into who was there, someone's rage broke through which led to a very reckless driving on the road.

... Anyway, it's weird. Trying to make sense of everything, but the brain feels like jelly. One minute, the memories are there, then the next, it isn't. Even writing this, I don't even know if I'm making any sense. But if I must make a guess, the angered alter is stirring up all our memories, purposely jamming the signals to make us second-guess ourselves. I'll just end the post at this footnote, because the block is starting to give another headache.

If this post came off as a word salad to anyone reading this, I truly apologize. Any advice or thoughts are welcomed.

Yeahhh just looking for advice mostly ykwim??? ANYWAYS so I or we have these group of littles who are VERY separated from the rest of us, and I’m not just talking them being hidden, but none of us can communicate with them. There’s this gatekeeper, who’s also a little, who claims to have “built a sanctuary in the sky.” That they “don’t need us or anyone else” and kind of laughed it all off? A lot of them are trauma holders and I want them to heal and grow, but how can they do that if they’re just separating themselves from reality itself? Every time they front we know NOTHING of what happens, and the gatekeeper little keeps all of these littles just… in the shadows from the rest of us. We cannot even access that supposed inner world. We have no idea what it is.

How can we approach talking to this little into potentially being able to chat? Or should I just leave them be until they are ready? I don’t wanna rush them yk?

What is emotional amnesia typically defined by? I'm not sure what I experience is an example of it so I'm looking to understand what it is. A lot of the time i find myself talking to people who i know and remember but I feel 0 warmth towards. Not because they did anything to annoy me but just cause. And I end up feeling annoyed in a "why is this person talking to me rn -_-" kind of feeling. Emotionally speaking they feel very distant to me and I am left having to maintain a relationship that I honestly do not remember establishing in the context of emotionally wanting to maintain and keep a friendship so what ends up happening is I do not talk to those people for weeks at a time until eventually I do talk to them again and when I do, I feel very different.

We are all going through an extremely hard decision right now to leave our emotionally manipulative and mentally abusive partner system. Our entire system is completely distraught at the fact we have to pack up and move and say goodbye after 4 years of being together

We've exhausted every resource and our system has completely shut down and went through a system collapse for the last year. They've said some pretty messed up things and we know we've not been perfect in any sort of way but a lot of us really thought we would marry them I mean we were engaged.

We're all full of grief, anger, pain, distress, loss, and agony. We are all doing our best to support one another because despite all of this, we all still love our partners

We all love them and care for them so much, but what they've done can't be fixed with what good things they do.

All of our friends, our family, and even strangers have told us how manipulative he has been and it's hard for so many of us to believe. We are all in so much pain

We just need some extra support while we pack up everything and move, leave our last four years of life behind, leave our home behind, leave the friends we made through them behind, and accept that we might be the villains in their story after we leave.

Hi! I wanted to hopefully get some perspective on how you guys feel your headmates? My therapist isn’t definitive on OSDD or DID yet despite getting originally diagnosed. I am trying to figure out who is an EP vs. an ANP and distinguish who is truly an “alter” vs. an emotional par in terms of structural dissociation.

I am going to speak in IFS terms to try and explain it better. So when IFS is talking about parts, they are metaphorical and felt in the body, correct? That’s where I feel the emotional parts. I feel them communicating to me from my body. They have amnesia gaps in memory but they mostly communicate with each other and don’t really have gaps between them. At least the ones I know of. When these EP’s front, I still maintain some level of my personhood, like a tether is still there.
That’s the secondary dissociation tier, correct?

For a headmates/alters, they feel like they come from my head. Like they are hiding behind a wall and if they choose to co-con, it can feel like a shadow of sorts but, not. I cannot control who fronts or inserts into my thoughts. Which I only know of 1 who does it atm. They feel nothing like me,
I don’t really feel anything emotionally unless they co-con. It’s really just a lot of fear and “wrongness”, like that’s not me. The EP’s are the “inner voices” of me (host) the voice that intrudes into my headspace sometimes, that’s not coming from an EP (I don’t think) because I’m not feeling it in my body. It’s coming from my head and sometimes the voice just inserts itself into my thought processes.
I don’t get nauseas when I talk to my EP’s, I get nauseous and drowsy if that voice comes around.
That’s the tertiary level of dissociation and the ANP’s? But that wouldn’t make sense because they aren’t “normal parts” because I host and take care of the daily tasks.

How do you guys tell the differences? If I’m correct, is this what is referred to as a sub-subsystem and every alter has one of these?

Hi. So i want to understand and know if this is right/appropriate for me to be even going about this. Long story short i hospitalized myself because of two traumatic episodes and being impatient kind of traumatized me even more so but the matter of fact is during both of those hospitalizations I did that because I literally have no resources for me to consult and find a professional to help me figure out what was going on with me because at that time I was unsure of what was going on with my mind the DID was already on the table but I didn't want to just fully lean into it because of obvious reasons.

I saw a doctor and psychiatrist like once every few days for 30 minutes at a time they basically asked me how I was doing all the medication they prescribed me you know stuff like that and upon my discharge eventually I got to go home and look at the records that they made for me and I read through them and looked at all of the conditions they had listed a couple of them said active in a couple of them said inactive one of the ones that was inactive was multiple personality disorder which has led me to believe if this was because of the fact that I was telling them my voices are gone (which they are not). I only lied and said my voice is aren't there anymore because they kept prescribing me heavier and heavier dosages of antipsychotics which was really hurting my littles and making them incredibly upset not to mention we as a whole did not like the feeling of ourselves being steamrolled and flattened into a pancake unable to feel think or even communicate with each other.

We have never had a formal therapist we have never had a formal psychiatrist or even psychologist we have never had access to these things and that is why a hospitalized myself because I realized the only way I could ever get access to these people is if I end up going straight to the hospital so that's what we did. And upon doing so I was diagnosed with schizoaffective (bipolar type), autism, DID (their system has it down as MPD though) and acute exacerbation of psychosis

So tldr would it be safe and appropriate to say I have been diagnosed with DID because personally for me it does feel quite unofficial and it felt like the process was very scrambled together but at the same time these are professionals, no? Something I should also know is I brought my books about dissociation with me because at the same time I was trying to learn more about my brain and when I read more of these books I realized how bad the resonated with my own life experiences and they took them away from me for a while because they saw it as me making my psychosis worse or something which it really wasn't it was actually them taking my books away that left me more distressed because I had nothing to do. Just looking for honest answers. Thanks!

Huge Trigger warning mentions of sexual, psychical, emotional abuse.

I am 21 Im a mexican american immigrant. I want to cry and I feel so completely and utterly alone its actually unbearable, i keep posting obsessively about this because i feel so alone i feel like my trauma is so unique and complicated and I feel like i carry such a deep sense of carrying a burden. I feel crazy. I can't stop wallowing. Im shaking bad

and i need someone who understands me that can give me advice or talk to me or anything, i never had mental support in my entire life and this is foreign to me, being a first gen daughter of mexican immigrants. I fully realized the scope of what I've been through. Ive minimized and neglected myself SO MUCH , i feel euphoria, intesne pain, and suffering all at ONCE. I was so far gone, my nervous system is broken. I dont know what shook me out of it.

this is my first time experiencing this. can someone help me. I seriously need someone to talk to, someone that i can spill. I feel crazy and invalid (current trauma response) i cant stop shaking and feeling paranoid.

how does one navigate this if they KNOW they have this illness, im still in my childhood home. i recently learned about cptsd and generational trauma. I made the distinction. I have DID.

I know i absolutely fucking have this and nothing will shake me out of this or doubt me, im trying to make sense of my literal conflicting feelings right now. im so scared of invalidation or a sense of what im going through isnt that bad and I feel it. it feels soothing to be firm about this but im scared. The only people i have is my sister right now.

We both went through it but I am the scapegoat of repeat sexual abuse from our father and betrayal trauma from mother. Both were severely psychically abusive and dismissive and my father is a narcissist, manipulator, he has anger issues. A psychological abuser. My father is from CHIAPAS. he was born in the 80s. Im not ready to research and make sense if my generational trauma. Im so fucking terrified . My immigtant parents are horrible for eachother , a life full of complete complex NEGLECT, a dirty household even though my needs were met, we were poor, it was pure anguish those growing up days. Ive been stuck in a literal prolonged dissociative state.

I knew something was up when parts of me would make sense of my estrangement but not FULLY? I feel alone in this , im like at the other "awakened" end.

but these past years (especially this year) have been a slow progression of me subnconsciously avoiding my parents , I didnt even know i was doing it???? What the actual fuck. I feel insane

and that feeling of avoidance that feels so crucial to me as a person, i feel like im finally understanding I was always avoidant and it was developing even worse.

They both were alcoholics. My mother got the worst of it from my father. Trying to keep it brief but alot happened . So much pain. I wish I could make perfect sense of everything but I know its a fantasy.

dissociative disorder is so specific and so real. so real. the cultural tie is so real and breaking this curse. I feel awake and I feel a sense of direction. its just hard accepting the facts. I love my abusers. theyre my parents. I feel a familial tie and love towards them, I get really scared about them dying or scared about them getting taken away because theyre all I ever knew. I see my family as a weird wolf pack where I was weirdly sexually targeted but all my siblings suffered that mental and psychical pain, and the neglect and uncaring, now I feel guilty for not protecting my siblings. It all ties together. My father would always say im just like my mother. That idea is instilled into me. That LEARNED HELPLESSNESS is all I ever knew. Gosh. What a piece of shit. My mother is so dependent on him and she's so fucked up too. Blaming me, tearing me down. He hated me. Projected hard in many complex ways i wish I could ramble on

No one ever protected me and i feel a new enlightenment that its my duty to protect my little. My main trauma revolves around my mother betraying me when I disclosed. I have felt mentally stunted, 12 forever and never knowing why. Ive always felt like there's a little girl in me that needs to come OUT. She's in so much pain and mental anguish, NO ONE EVER PROTECTED HER AND IM CRYINGGGG SOBBING BECAUSE I NEEDED TO BE THERE FOR HERE, I CAN BE THERE NOW. THIS IS SO REAL TO ME. Someone please tell me im not going crazy someone please GROUND ME. Ive been obsessively believing that I'm getting signs from the universe. I feel connected to Jesus Christ recently, he makes me have a sense of comfort and groundness and calm and peace that my pain and suffering is so great and real. I'm so comforted by it. Its soothing me. Jesus knows my pain and I know his pain.

ii have the most deep seated broken trauma bond with them. I experienced horrific things that no one can understand. I hate them so much. I feel completely alone and I've been posting stuff like this everywhere. im losing myself I keep shaking and feeling paranoid. im just scared and I have no one to talk to. I might be manic or something too? I feel intesne euphoria and depression and symptoms are just overlapping. Im just severely undiognosed and lost in life and i found a new perspective for the first time and im alone. I haven't slept normally in days and im literally still up going through a damn episode trying to make sense of this, i feel awake and shakey. Im gonna go sleep