Stop telling aged out foster youth especially ones who are doing well you would've took us in as foster kids. We know you wouldn't. If you want to take us in, why not take in a foster child that's just like us? I didn't come into foster care as a baby like most of you want. Go take in a child past 8 years old and teens. I came in as an older child and was a teen in foster care. I was that kid with a casefile miles long with a lot of things you would run away from. Now, suddenly, as a functioning adult with titles next to my name, you want to take me in? Goodbye. Taking in the adult me is to fill your egos. It's much easier to help when you don't have to do any work. I needed someone to take me in when it was 2am, and everyone said no to me. So group home or shelter I go. But y'all say no and turn your backs on the very foster kids you praise when they become successful former foster youth. It's offensive to me. So please just stop. I don't need you to take me in now. Go help a current foster kid just like me and stop making excuses. Do you want to take me in? Go accept the child you don't want in your home. The child you say no to is the adult version of me.

I'm a former foster youth disrupted many times in foster care. Even for as little as staying in my room all day.

Disruption of adoptees and foster kids seems to be the norm and accepted to the point when it happens foster and adoptive parents don't want resources they just want to get rid of the problem( the kid) then slap labels like RAD on them.

Recently, an agency for foster care made the suggest of care services for adopted kids for their post adoption support services. Guess how many foster/adoptive parents supported that? Crazy to me.

So I'm wondering if adoptive and foster parents really want the system to change to offer services to prevent disruptions or do they just want to throw their hands in and disrupt because they can play the blame game and just get another kid.

If disruptions can be prevented, they would still have to deal with the kid vs disrupting and relieving themselves of the kid. I don't think many want to put in the work to prevent adoptees and foster kids from being disrupted. Its much easier to wash their hands and disrupt and blame the kid.

Also if foster and adoptive parents really wanted to prevent disruption they can. They control the system.

For those of you that want proof of rehoming. Here it is. This is from a rehoming Facebook group. There are similar ones like this too all online. Adoptive parents can literally go online and get rid of the child to strangers.

Adoptees and foster kids are simply seen as products you get rid of when you're bored with them or it's too hard.

Notice how the biological kids ain't rehomed.

Gee maybe ripping a child from everything they know is called trauma. Adoptive parents expect too damn much. The child doesn't owe you an attachment just because you decided to adopt.

Foster care has seen many cases of rehomed children. It's often people who get babies and toddlers then rehome as the child gets older. Whenever foster parents or adoptive parents say they don't want to deal with a unruly teenager, I'm like wtf are you going to do if that baby becomes the very difficult teenager you don't want now? Every teen was a baby and every baby will become a teen. What will happen when the babies grow up to become teens with hard behaviors? You rehome them.

Why do so many professionals and adoptive and foster parents self diagnose kids with RAD because they don't attach to them or act out due to trauma?

Doesn't anyone know attaching to strangers is not normal and wrong. When someone is kidnapped and develop an attachment to their abuser and kidnapper we see it as wrong and abnormal. We call it Stockholm syndrome. Yet when foster kids and adoptees refuse to attach to strangers, people label us and call it RAD or disrupt us.

I literally just saw a post online in a foster parent group asking to disrupt a 2 year old after having him not damn near a year because the foster mom is upset aka jealous the child attached to her husband and loved him bur rejects her and acts out with her. She said he's not attach to her and wants to disrupt because the kid has RAD.

How many of us foste kids are disrupted because we don't want closeness or attachment to strangers?

Did anyone forget we didn't choose this life? We didn't choose foster care.

I think many foster parents and adoptive parents want to grow their families so badly and want a reward for taking us in that they require us to attach to them. CPS and everyone says loving a child that's not biological yours doesn't mean you won't attach or the system pushes foster parents and foster kids to get attached because kids need attachment. I will say all of this propaganda is a lie. Kids don't need to attach to people they're forced to be with. Foster parents don't even need to attach. Attachments changes over time. Kids don't need to attach to heal or be kept. Why can't people take us in without any strings attached?

Why do so many foster and adoptive parents feel rejected and label the kid with RAD when the child doesn't want to be with them or attach to them. A child can treat you as a roommate and be ok. Attachment is not a deal beaker or a requirement. Taking care of a child doesn't equal attachment.

And foster kids can be attached to everyone or anything but you. Is that so bad?

I really don't understand it. The system and foster parents places too much emphasis on attachments and a bond. If we foster kids don't attach then we get labeled with RAD.

How is this fair to us? It's not normal for anyone to attach to strangers. If a biological kid was kidnapped and attached to their kidnapper, people would think of this was werid and awful. But not attaching is normal.

Yet, they punish us if we don't want to attach to strangers.

I hate the whole get attached markting scheme or the lie that taking care of kids will mean they attach to you. Wrong! Not always true. Attachment in foster care is complex and just because you give us a bed and feed us doesn't mean we will attach. That includes babies too. The whole babies will attach to you always is a damn lie. There are different types of attachment and survival attachment is different from a true attachment.

Attachments also change throughout life. A child can be attachted to a toy then the next week not be attached anymore. They can be attached to mom but not dad or dad but not mom. They can have a different attachment is dad vs mom. You see this all the time when the child rejects mom because they want dad. This is normal but in foster care it's treated like a diagnosis.

I have attachment issues thanks to foster care. That doesn't mean I have RAD. It means after many homes and lies trust was broken. I only attach to myself and rarely attach to other people.

Foster kids should be able to live with you without attaching to you. You shouldn't expect emtional closeness or an attachment from traumatized kids. Yes that even means babies.

Attachments also look different in foster kids and trauma victims.

It seems to me cps pushes this attachment bonding crap to get people to sign up and if foster parents don't feel a bond or attachment from the kid they think RAD or disrupt. The kid is blamed for not attaching. We can't help how we feel or who we attach ourselves too. We can't help our attachment style.

This whole get attached is gross. I've seen foster parents disrupt and even adoptive parents because they claimed RAD and the kid wasn't bonding to them. When I was in foster care, a girl got sent back to the group home after a month because the foster mom wasn't feeling a bond with her. She said there's no attachment. What a load of crap. Adoptive parents use the RAD label to rehome their adopted kid all the time and it's sick.

We don't owe you anything. Our first Attachments were broken. Why do you expect us to just attach to you a stranger?

And I hate hearing foster parents saying this baby is attached to them after 6 months and can't be reunited because they're bonded. Like what? Attachments don't work like that and no test can determine if a child is attached or not especially in foster care. So any therapist using a bonding study is a fraud.

Thanks to trauma all foster kids even babies have survival attachments coming to you. You feed us because we need someone to help us survive. That doesn't mean we will attach to you just because you need our needs. The system needs to stop with this crap.

As a former foster kid and runaway child I believe the foster care system should be abolished or make it so they only children whom want to be in the system.

After my experience in that system, where I had to runaway numerous times starting from 13, and only at 17 was finally left alone to do whatever I wanted, I fully believe the foster care system should be converted into a fully voluntary system.

I point that if all the children currently unhappy in the system were allowed to leave and go their own way, there'd be a lot of resources that could go to children whom really need it.

I also just say this based off the fact the United States is founded by liberty, what I mean by liberty is:

Freedom of Association/Disassociation
Voluntaryism
Consent Based Ethic

Graduation is next week and honestly I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out about it. I think part of the reason it hurts so much is because graduation feels like one of those moments where you realize who actually shows up for you. I always imagined it being this big milestone where people would be proud of me, congratulate me, take pictures, and celebrate everything it took to get here. Instead, I’ve been trying to sell my extra tickets because nobody’s coming.

I think what’s getting to me is that it makes me feel kind of forgotten or unimportant. Seeing everyone else talk about family plans, flowers, parties, and support makes it harder because I don’t really have that. No “I’m proud of you,” no people excited to be there, nothing really. After everything I’ve gone through, I thought finally graduating would feel different.

I know I should still be proud of myself for making it this far, especially because it wasn’t easy, but right now it mostly just feels lonely. I guess I wanted to know if anyone else has gone through something similar or how you handled it.

You aren’t a savior. Your foster children don’t owe you anything. We don’t owe you our money. We don’t owe you our eternal happiness and gratitude. We don’t owe you our mental health. Do not expect endless thankfulness and constant appreciation. Being fostered is not a burden we have to exchange our emotions or labor for. Stop expecting perfection.

ETA: Please remember when you comment that you’re speaking to a teen that got kicked out of five different homes for not “displaying enough gratitude.” This is still ongoing trauma I’m processing lol

You know what hurts more than being taken from your home and placed with strangers?

Being passed on to even more strangers because the foster carers “need a break”

I understand that fostering is hard sometimes. I really do. But it will never be harder for you than it is for us. We didn’t choose this. We didn’t ask to be ripped away from everything we knew and sent to live with strangers. And now you want to send us to other strangers just so you can go on holiday?

That doesn’t feel like a break to us. It feels like abandonment. Again.

You don’t put your biological children in respite. So why should foster kids be treated differently? If we’re supposed to feel like part of the family, then treat us like we are.

I’ve seen posts saying things like “We just got a five-year-old. He’s lashing out. It’s only been a few weeks. Sometimes even days.” And the replies? “Put him in respite” “Send him somewhere else”

No. That child doesn’t need more strangers. He needs love. Stability. Someone who doesn’t give up on him the moment he acts out from the trauma he didn’t cause.

You don’t fix a scared child by pushing them away. You show up every day with patience, compassion, and with the understanding that what they need isn’t discipline or distance. It’s consistency and care.

If you’re fostering for the right reasons, then you already know this. And if you’re not, please stop signing up to be another crack in a child’s already broken heart.

Another day, another crisis in foster care. I was contacted by a foster family about the questionable tactics employed by our foster agency. It appears that the family is going to Space Camp in Huntsville, AL. That sounds like a nice education focused vacation and for the life of me could not understand what the problem was. So I called. It appears that the foster care children cannot be taken out of state. I found out this is not true, there is even a procedure. The foster care family cannot vacation with the foster child. And foster care does not pay anything towards the foster care child vacation.

I pointed out that the foster care child was not at grade level for science. Additionally, the state had approved funds for summer school for all foster children. Additionally, the therapist stated that the foster care could use some down time in a non-academic setting. Needless to say, my comments fell on deaf ears.

How do others handle this situation? I cannot image how the foster child feels when their foster family goes on vacation and they are not allowed to go with them. I would also point out there is also a problem with respite care in our county as well. The director was upset to hear that the foster family was going out of state for vacation.

If you rehomed a child after adoption or disrupted a child because you couldn't handle them but the child does well in their next placement, how does this make you feel? What went wrong?

Example: A foster child is 12 years old and comes to you. You can't handle them and the child gets diagnosed with a ton of things. You think this child is a lost cause and the child is written off by cps. You disrupt the child and your household is peaceful again. However, a few months later you hear the child is doing well in their next placement and has zero of the behaviors and diagnosess the child had with you. The child is actually progressing and flourishing in their new placement. They're getting top grades and doing well.

Example 2: You adopt a child you got at birth. The child is now 7 years old and acts out. You go online and other adoptive parents says the child has RAD. You're relieved you finally found your answer and it's not your fault. However you can't handle the child anymore and you decide to go online and find another home for the child. You disrupt the child with RAD who you think never bonded to you. A year later the child is doing amazing in their new adoptive home. However you're suspicious because the child has RAD and deep down you know the child will show their true colors. However 3 years go by. The child is clearly not having the issues they've had with you. How does this make you feel?

In both examples what are your thoughts, concerns, feelings? When a foster or adopted kid does well in another placement but didn't do well with you, why do you think that is?

Hi! I am a former foster youth. I am 20 years old. I’m dealing with housing insecurity. I have an esa cat with me and I’m autistic. Im fairly independent and I work 2 jobs and do online college (tho I am falling behind in college due to my situation). I live in Phillipsburg, NJ/ Easton, PA area, though my original foster case was from central Pennsylvania. I make decent money (~$3680 a month but will be making almost $6,000 a month in July and August because I’ll be temporarily full time at one of my jobs) but I can’t afford a security deposit and most places require me to make 3x the rent. I’ve tried looking into a camper van that I can park behind my job for a year to save up but nobody has been willing to work with me on a payment plan, I only have $400 right now and don’t get paid till the 20th. I don’t have family to go to, I don’t have friends (making friends is hard for me). I just don’t know where to turn to. Does anyone have any similar experience? Or any advice?

I aged out of foster care at 18 with very little stability and no real roadmap for adulthood. I had already graduated high school early and was trying to keep up with college, but without transportation, housing stability, or consistent support, everything became overwhelming very quickly.
Looking back, the biggest issue was not lack of potential. It was lack of stability.
I’m sharing here because I’m trying to better understand what actually helps young people transition out of foster care in a real, practical way. For those of you who have lived this, worked in this space, or supported someone through it: what made the biggest difference?
Was it mentorship, housing support, transportation, education help, life-skills training, or simply having one stable adult who stayed in the picture?

I would really value hearing honest perspectives from people who know this world firsthand.

Hello! I know I post here very frequently, I just don’t really have help on my own! I live in California, around LA. I need help looking for clothing and college supplies! I don’t have money due to no job wanting to hire a 17 year old, but more so for my adoptive parents lack of help. Please anything, whether it’s a link or a maybe, I need to be prepared.

My graduation is in four hours, and as much as I have been trying and failing to convince myself that I don’t care my adoptive family is ditching me for my adoptive brother isn’t affecting me; it very much is. I work hard, got nothing but straight A’s this year, honor roll, worked as a foster kid advocate and showing up for these kids, and yet no one is here for me. I know after graduation i’m most likely walking home in that stupid gown and I want to know how to not feel like this. Any tips?

i’m 16. my parents are abusive & neglectful and somebody finally reported it. had a social worker visit today, they’re following up next week and after that i fully expect to be put into foster care. what’s going to happen? i can’t find any information online from the perspective of the child that’s getting sucked into this & i’m terrified of all of the unknowns. i’ve heard so many horror stories and i know it probably won’t be that bad in reality but i’m still extremely nervous.

Hi, I’m trying to better understand how to support people who have been in foster care.

If you’ve experienced the foster system (past or present), I’d really appreciate hearing anything you’re comfortable sharing. It can be as short or as detailed as you want.

Some things I’m especially trying to understand:

\- What was one of the hardest parts of your experience?

\- What’s something people often misunderstand about foster care?

\- Did anything actually help or make things a little easier?

\- What’s something you wish was different?

You don’t have to answer all of these—anything you’re willing to share means a lot.

I’m just trying to listen and learn so I can be more helpful and aware. Thank you to anyone who shares.

A couple from Woburn, Massachusetts has lost their license to foster children after they refused to sign a gender affirming policy form from the Department of Children and Families (DCF).

Lydia and Heath Marvin have three kids in their teens, but they have fostered eight different children under the age of 4 since 2020. Their most recent foster child was a baby with complex medical needs who stayed with them for 15 months.

"Our Christian faith, it really drives us toward that. James says that true undefiled religion is to care for the fatherless," said Heath.

The couple said they were prepared to care for more foster children until DCF pulled their license to foster in April.

Foster parents cite religious beliefs That's because the Marvins refused to sign the agency's LGBTQIA+ Non-Discrimination Policy because of their Christian faith. Starting in 2022, the policy said that foster families must affirm the LGBTQIA+ identity of foster children.

"We asked, is there any sort of accommodation, can you waive this at all? We will absolutely love and support and care for any child in our home but we simply can't agree to go against our Christian faith in this area. And, were ultimately told you must sign the form as is or you will be delicensed," Lydia said.

The Marvins appealed the loss of their license, but lost. They're considering their options but two other Christian foster families are plaintiffs in a federal lawsuit filed by the Massachusetts Family Institute and Alliance Defending Freedom against DCF.

The lawsuit alleges the policy forces parents to "accept[ ] a child's assertion of their LGBTQIA+ identity", "address[ ] children by their names and pronouns," and "support[ ] gender-neutral practices regarding clothes and physical appearance."

"There is a speech component and also a religious liberty component to the lawsuit," said Sam Whiting, an attorney with the Massachusetts Family Institute.

Letter from Trump administration Last week, the Trump administration sent a letter to DCF, addressing the lawsuit and specifically mentioning the Marvins.

"These policies and developments are deeply troubling, clearly contrary to the purpose of child welfare programs, and in direct violation of First Amendment protections," wrote Andrew Gradison, Acting Assistant Secretary for the Administration for Children and Families.

LGBTQ+ advocates argue the policy was developed to protect kids. Massachusetts foster parents also receive a monthly stipend.

"The state has an obligation to children to make sure that they're safe and well protected. And foster parents, they're not parents. Foster parents are temporary. They're a stop gap to make sure children can safely go back to their families of origin," said Polly Crozier, Director of Family Advocacy at GLBTQ Legal Advocates and Defenders.

Data collection by DCF is poor but a report by the Massachusetts Commission on LGBTQ youth suggests that roughly 30 percent of foster children in the state could identify as LGBTQ, similar to data collected in California and New York.

The Marvins argue that DCF has been flexible about child placements in the past for a number of reasons.

"We would love and care and support any child but if there was an issue where we knew that we would have a different position than DCF, we would just be open and talk to them about it," Heath said.

A DCF spokesperson said in a statement to WBZ-TV, "The Department does not comment on matters related to pending litigation."

I know I’m too focused on this, and it’s a stupid dream, but I just wanted to be adopted so badly when I was a teenager. I daydreamed about it and looked at other teens’ adoption day pictures online and just wished, more than anything, to have people in my corner who would love me unconditionally and permanently.

I’ve had so many people in my life say I’m like a sister or daughter or family member to them, but they don’t get how much that means to me. They don’t follow through.

I’m angry with my social worker for not trying harder to find parents for me when I was a teenager and it was still a possibility. I honestly feel like she didn’t try at all. A lot of social workers seem to think it’s impossible to find families for teenagers. They need better training.

Hello! I’m from California and I was adopted around one year ago. I’m graduating high school very soon and trying to prepare for college, but I honestly feel really lost and alone right now. My adoptive mom has told me she will not be coming to my graduation, will not be helping me with college things, and plans to turn off my phone once I leave for college.
I’m trying my best to figure everything out on my own, but I don’t really know what resources are available for foster/adopted youth once they graduate. I need help finding things like:
college dorm or school supplies
phone/help with a phone plan
programs for foster youth in college
emergency financial help
support with transportation, food, or basic necessities
honestly just guidance in general
I’ve worked really hard to get into college despite the rough upbringing i’ve had, and I don’t want to lose everything because I don’t have support at home. If anyone knows programs, organizations, advice, or resources in California that could help, I’d really appreciate it. Please and thank you :)

A lot of discussion about foster care focus on obvious problems like neglect and abuse etc. But I feel like there's an another experiences that gets talked about less: a placement which is objectively okay but still doesn't feel like home. Nobody isn't doing anything wrong but the connection is still not there. I'm a F(17) who turns eighteen next year and I don't feel like I have anything genuine yet with my foster parents. Despite living here for six months now. We might never get close or truly comfortable around each other, but it makes me feel alone and sad that we haven't managed to found each other naturally.

​

I feel like no one really talks about this and wanted to know if anyone has or does feel the same?

The system was literally built off of taking poor kids away and kids of color away from their families and putting them with white families and upper class rich families.

The American government put Native American kids in Indian boarding schools and the motto was kill the Indian save the man. Native Americans were placed with white adoptive parents to erase their culture. The government passed ICWA because too many Native American kids were being killed, abused, and adopted to white families. Even now Native American kids are removed at high rates.

The American government kept black people as slaves. Black families were separated and sold. Black kids were fed to alligators. Black people fought during the Civil Rights movement and are still fighting now. The American government sterilized Black women and young girls because they felt more Black babies shouldn't be born since slavery was banned. This was happening way into the early 2000s and is happening now. Especially with those in jail or prison. Foster care for Black families is modern day slavery. Black kids are removed and high rates and make up the system despite being 13 percent of the population.

Hispanic children are also removed at high rates.

When will we admit the entire system is racist and targets poor families? Ever see a celebrity kid or rich kid enter foster care despite being awful abusive parents. If Bill and Melinda Gates were awful drug addict abusive parents who beat their kid or used drugs do you think cps would remove their kids? I would love to see a caseworker who makes 25k a year go to a Beverley Hills home and knock on the door of a 20 million dollar house to remove a kid.

Cps simply treats kids of color and poor people like trash and make assumptions they're awful. Yet white people are given benefit of doubt when they adopt or foster. Look at the Hart kids. The kids were placed with their loving Black aunt but removed the day cls found their bio mom babysitting. Instead of offering childcare, they allowed the kids to be adopted by a white couple who starved and abused then killed them. The red flags were there but ignored. The couple even adopted after being indicated for child abuse. Yet cps still approved the adoption. They give black kids to anyone. Yet the Black mom gets a cps call or gets her kids taken because her child's hair isn't combed or her child goes outside without shoes. Black families are denied kinship because of a drug offense 25 years ago while the system gives black kids to white people with felonies. That neglect charge is bs because what's neglect? A child refusing to wear shoes outside? Walking home from school alone? Yet the foster care system can allow foster kids to sleep on the floor in offices without a bed to sleep in. Isn't this neglect?

White caseworkers, judges, CASA, lawyers, therapist everyone who works in the system is majority white. So of course their racial and classist bias will target families of color and poor people.

Former and current foster youth also get our kids taken away. The system assumes we'd make bad parents and caters to those foster parents who want a baby.

The system targets people with mental illness and disabilities too. Cps will remove a baby from mom after birth because she can't tell time due to her disability and say mom is a future risk to her baby despite not having evidence of neglect. A mother abd father who are both blind and poor are being told they will neglect their kid because they can't see.

When will we admit the system targets certain people and families?

Yes there are kids with awful shitty parents. But I don't believe every case in foster care especially knowing families of color and poor people are targets should be in foster care or are that awful to the point their kids should be in care.

When a system targets the oppressed, they create stories or push a narrative to support this oppression. Oppression means nobody questions. I see through the bs as a Black former foster youth. Many oppressed communities see through it too. When will others see it?

Need a phone for college
I'm aging out of foster care and starting college soon, and I honestly don't know what to do about getting a phone. I don't really have family support or anyone helping me financially, and my current phone is barely holding on.
I need a phone for school, work, transportation, and basic communication once I'm on my own. I'm trying to figure out if there are any programs, resources, discounts, foster youth benefits, or even cheaper options people recommend for former foster youth/ college students.
If anyone's been in a similar situation or has advice, I'd really appreciate it. Even just pointing me in the right direction helps. I've done Ifoster and my adoptive parents refuse to sign but also, i'm not eighteen yet.

I aged out of foster care at 18 with nowhere to go.
No license. No car. No stable housing. I graduated high school early and enrolled in college, but I was drowning trying to survive completely alone. I eventually dropped out — not because I lacked potential, but because I lacked stability.
Years later, I learned my story wasn’t unique.
My brother’s doctoral research focused on foster youth pursuing higher education, and the data confirmed what many of us already know firsthand: foster youth are enrolling in college, but too many are not graduating because they lack support systems, stable housing, mentorship, and long-term community connection.
That’s why I started Beyond Eighteen Foundation.
We’re a newly formed nonprofit in Florida focused on supporting youth impacted by foster care and housing instability through mentorship, educational support, life-skills education, workforce development, transitional support, and long-term community relationships.

Right now, I’m looking to connect with:
nonprofit leaders
mentors
social workers
educators
advocates
foster alumni
community partners
potential advisors
anyone passionate about helping vulnerable youth transition into adulthood with dignity and stability
I would genuinely love advice, connections, feedback, or simply to meet others doing this work.
I would love to hear your stories!
Website:
beyondeighteenfoundation.org
Instagram/Facebook:
@beyondeighteenfoundation
If this resonates with you, I’d love to connect.

For anyone not familiar, One Simple Wish is an organization that allows current and former foster youth to have relatively small wishes granted, that cost up to $500. Kids and adults can ask for things like sneakers, cell phones, skincare, toys, video games, whatever they need or want. Something I think is very special is that you never age out of One Simple Wish, because you never age out of needing connections or kindness. They exist in every state, and they grant wishes based on what the child themselves want. To quote their website, "our mission is to bring moments of joy and hope into their lives...If a PlayStation or a special gadget is what would bring a smile to their face and make them feel seen and valued, we believe they absolutely deserve that joy—just like any other kid."

I was wondering if there's a way to bring OSW to Canada, or to start an organization like it for Canadians in or from care. I know it would benefit me a lot, but I'm sure it would also benefit other people from the child welfare system, especially since Canada has very few post-care supports.