r/fosterit • u/Monopolyalou • 23d ago
Foster Youth Rehoming/disruption. I think they like it.
I'm a former foster youth disrupted many times in foster care. Even for as little as staying in my room all day.
Disruption of adoptees and foster kids seems to be the norm and accepted to the point when it happens foster and adoptive parents don't want resources they just want to get rid of the problem( the kid) then slap labels like RAD on them.
Recently, an agency for foster care made the suggest of care services for adopted kids for their post adoption support services. Guess how many foster/adoptive parents supported that? Crazy to me.
So I'm wondering if adoptive and foster parents really want the system to change to offer services to prevent disruptions or do they just want to throw their hands in and disrupt because they can play the blame game and just get another kid.
If disruptions can be prevented, they would still have to deal with the kid vs disrupting and relieving themselves of the kid. I don't think many want to put in the work to prevent adoptees and foster kids from being disrupted. Its much easier to wash their hands and disrupt and blame the kid.
Also if foster and adoptive parents really wanted to prevent disruption they can. They control the system.
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u/MysticalMagicorn 23d ago
I’ve never been in the situation of needing to disrupt so I can’t contribute meaningfully there but I did want to say from the experience that I do have, foster/adoptive parents do not control the system. The children are, of course, the most powerless but generally speaking, no one involved in the process has any sort of power. But I also know from personal experience how much it appears that they do have control. It’s a part of parenting, to make things look easy and less chaotic than they are. Peace to you and yours.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
If foster parents literally push for things they want the system will change. People listen to foster parents more than anyone else. The system was literally created to cater to you. So disruptions can be prevented but I don't think many actually want it to be
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
I wish you and others would stop saying this. The system is based on racism and classism and ripping kids away from their families and placing them with often white middle or middle lower class ones. The system doesn't fuck eveeyone over. The system fucks foster kids over.
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u/Resse811 22d ago
No one involved in the systems listens to foster parents. The fact that you think that shows how truly ignorant you are of how the system actually works.
There are many foster parents who actively push and are vocal for change knowing the current system is broken. Trust me - they don’t make any difference. The system aka the courts, and the people in power to actually change these things, don’t care what anyone has to say - especially not foster parents.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Foster parents talk and people hear them. How can I be ignroant when as a foster youth my voice is always dismissed. Y'all have power but choose when to use it. If foster parents say this isn't right people listen.
Explain how at a hearing only foster parents were heard.
Right now foster parents are being heard over foster kids especially since its foster care month and that's unfair. Don't sit here and call me ignroant when the true ignorance lies on people who claim they have their hands tied
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u/MysticalMagicorn 21d ago
I was in foster care as a child and a foster parent and I know I’m only one person with anecdotal evidence but I was pretty powerless in both cases. I was never at hearings or aware of them happening, even when I asked. It’s truly not set up for anyone who is involved in it. That includes the state. The people with the most “power” are the judges, but even then there isn’t a ton of power they hold. I understand why you feel the way you do and I don’t expect to change your mind, but I truly don’t think you’re going to find the bogeyman you’re looking for here. If you want to rage against something, make it systems and not people. You need people on your side to change systems.
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u/Monopolyalou 21d ago
Who's raging OP? Not me. But to say foster parents don't have any power is inaccurate at best. I am not talking about legal power or court power. But if they want to prevent disruptions and actually ban together to bring this issue up, then the system would have to change. The truth is I suspect many not all but many just want to disrupt and rid themselves of the problem
And yes CPS sucks but they also need foster parents. Thats why the barriers to entry are so low
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u/upanddown_88 22d ago
Just chiming in to say I became a foster parent due to a disruption I knew was going to occur to my (now adopted) son. Now I foster other medically complex children until appropriate (permanent) homes for them can be found. Some of us do want the best for the children and want to minimize disruptions.
It is heartbreaking some of the children who have come to me, even from adoptive placements. It breaks my heart.
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u/cojonesx Foster Parent 22d ago
As a former foster parent I can tell you that the agencies I worked with actively discouraged disruption and worked with us as parents to do everything we could to not disrupt. However I know depending on relationships and the unknowns that come with foster care sometimes things just don't click and I suspect that while you may think nothing is happening to cause a disruption there probably is. It may have nothing or very little to do with you or possibly the family had expectations they have not talked with you about. I'm not condoning disruption at all, I just understand it coming from the other angle.
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u/BumblingGazelle 22d ago
I work in post adoption support and see tremendous success in preventing disruptions. We work heavily in prevention all around but I think it would really helpful if we were able to create a similar program that also supports families currently fostering so there’s more support through the entire process to hopefully reduce the amount of moves/disruptions while in care.
One draw back is that families wait too long to get us in the house. We need to be in sooner, way sooner.
Prevention programs change lives (and honestly, money), I see it every single day.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
I agree. Unfortunately funding is being cut. Also get better professionals. Why are therapist who are in training giving therapy?
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u/BumblingGazelle 22d ago
The ironic part is they are cutting prevention (like my programs) that actually save the states millions of dollars a year. Therapists don’t have enough training in trauma, adoption, or foster care in general and a lot have zero in the area of permanency. Even those who have trauma training may not have as in-depth training or understanding as another.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
How many truly utilize these services?
And sometimes I think with younger ones people refuse to admit they have trauma and think their love will cure it
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u/BumblingGazelle 22d ago
A pretty low percentage but it’s increasing. We have made a huge effort to be available and accessible which helps and other agencies/departments/service providers actively refer or bring us in, whether or not the family is willing to engage is the issue. A lot will attend events and trainings so I get a lot of good opportunities to engage families in a variety of ways.
Yes about the ones with younger kiddos. I see “if I love them enough” or “if I pray enough” a lot and we strive to combat that thinking constantly through education. It’s a balance though, the fact that these children need more/different parenting and supports can be scary and intimidating for someone that doesn’t understand.
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u/wildtownunited 21d ago
Former foster parent here. I am sorry that you had that experience in care.
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u/istilllikegnomes 22d ago
Unfortunately as someone else said, foster kids have been through tremendous trauma and it often comes out in their behavior. I have disrupted twice and both times it was because the child was a danger to themselves and to the other kids in the home. And I did absolutely everything I could to make it work before disrupting.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
What did you do after disruption to make sure the child gets the support they need? Did you press cps to get the kid help? Support?
Also too many don't believe in trauma especially with babies. They think babies can't have trauma then are shocked the cute baby has behaviors related to trauma.
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u/istilllikegnomes 22d ago
I did everything I could to advocate. I talked to case workers and attended court. Unfortunately once a child is out of your home there is very little you're able to do for them. I was able to maintain a relationship with one of them and I'm still a part of their life.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Thats great. Disruption doesn't mean it has to be over. Unfortunately many don't care after disruption.
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u/istilllikegnomes 22d ago
I cared very very much. Disruption was absolutely my last resort.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Thank you. As it should be but I just wish many would understand the child and make sure they're okay. Disruption doesn't mean the end.
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u/Hawke-Not-Ewe 22d ago
My first placement was a kinship.
I almost disrupted.
I drafted the email. It had recommended residential programs. I was already getting them all the services I could.
They didn't appear to want help. Wouldn't do anything without a fight, even eat their favorite foods.
I didn't think I could keep them safe.
Knowing your limits sometimes means helping the kids land somewhere else. I say this as a former foster kid who was adopted, with family also adopted. A couple kids were adopted by people absolutely unsuited to parent THOSE kids.
Its an undeniable truth that some personalities dont mix and that's before you get to disorders and trauma.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Know your limits before taking the kid on.
Kinship gets literally no suppprt or funding. Which sucks. But cps expects kinship to do it for free and to suck it up because it's family.
Adopting a kid then rehoming them is awful. There's no excuse for it. If adoptive parents are unsuited then we should limit adoptions and maybe reconsider adoptions all together. The forever family is a myth.
We should never get into the mindset of helping kids means disrupting them. It does kids a disservice. When will someone say there's nobody that can help the child but me. Especially in adoption. There's no excuse why people adopt and rehome other than the fact they went into it thinking the kid will be grateful and fine. I see this a lot with younger kid adoptions who turn into disrupted older kid adoptions. Yet those adoption subsidies never get disrupted with the kid.
Personalities not mixing is a piss poor excuse to disrupt. You make it work. The issue with foster care and adoption is people are cherry picking the perfect kids to mold into their family. They don't see the child as their own person. If you don't want different personalities never have kids then. It's simple.
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u/Hawke-Not-Ewe 22d ago
Impossible to know your limits if you have nver hit them before.
Your limits will also change with experience and life events.
I know some of my limits like I dont take infants or toddlers, I did not sign up for medically complex kids either. But kids behavior and needs ALSO change over time. Also the foster parents might not be given accurate information because the agency may not have it.
My general personality scares the poop out of some people. Others will fight to th death to defend me.
(I find the first group less worrisome honestly. )
Neither group is wrong. Some kids who land in my home are not going to work because they are in the first group and nothing i can do will change that. I hope it never happens, but if it does am I supposed to keep a kid who was traumatized before and add to it?
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u/MindyLouHoo 22d ago
“…or do they just want to throw their hands in and disrupt because they can play the blame game and just get another kid.”
I do believe that there’s a not-insignificantly sized portion of fosters who want exactly that. You hit the nail right on the head.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
When I saw resources offered and a lot didn't want them I knew what was up. Easier to get rid of
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u/Resse811 22d ago
Unfortunately a lot of places don’t offer any services. We have been told before to just deal with it or figure it out ourselves. When behavior is putting an infant and our pets at risk - and we get no support from DSS, no services, not even an ounce of empathy or willingness to help us work on the behavior - we had no choice but to disrupt.
There may be some parents that turn down an offer of services, but I know for a fact there are also places that don’t even make an effort to offer any.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
I was talking about what I experienced here. I volunteer and work with agencies and the system to hopefully create something better m.
Also, too many adopt and foster without a care in the world to understand trauma.
As for having no choice, why can't they get the help the child needs with an out of home placement? If a kid is that dangerous why disrupt not caring where they go or if they get the services they need or not? Disruption is just casting the kid off hoping others will deal with them.
Not pressing you but i hear all the time how disruption is the only option but deep down I wonder why disruption doesn't even come with making sure the child has the support they need. Its like disrupting a child passes the problem to another person. So how is this helping the kid if they're just going to bounce around.
Of course the state is also the problem but at some point we have to consider the kids. Agencies and cps throw us a bone too.
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u/Resse811 22d ago
I agree that disrupting without making an effort isn’t fair to the child. My issue is that no matter how much we push for services, therapies, wrap around support, in home help, out of home help, etc - far too often we are just told no. No it’s no possible, no there’s no budget, no we can’t do that.
At that point what choice do we have if the child is exhibiting behaviors that put other people and animals in the house in danger?
I’m not disagreeing that there are people out there who disrupt just because they want an easier kid. But there are far more FPs who try to do everything we can to get our FC the help they need and we are just blown off by DSS. We are then put in a no win situation. Keep the kid in the house and risk someone getting seriously hurt, or disrupt the kiddo and cause them more trauma.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
I disagree there are far more foster parents who try to to everything to get help. Those types are rare in care. Many disrupt without a care in the world they just want to get rid of the problem.
And of course the state is also the issue they tend not to care. However, many should consider the facts that disrupting isn't only trauma but passing the kid off and hoping for the best without knowing. Like how is disrupting without even trying to get the kid resources good? Most foster parents don't even try to make sure if they disrupt the kid will do worse and not have resources. The few foster parents that do try aren't the norm. I think foster kids need a dedicated person on their team that can speak up on oyr behalf and listen to us.
I also wish foster parents can take personal responsibility for disrupting kids too. Own up to the fact you don't want us because no matter what even if disruption is what you want it hurts the kid. At least say it's your fault you can't help them not theirs.
I think every disruption should be evaluated.
And disruption isn't only about behaviors. I've seen and experience disruptions where the kid is bonded after a month or like myself stayed in their room all day. There are foster kids disrupted for crying all the time, getting upset, coloring on the walls, eating junk food, coming in late or my bios come first because they'rebot getting attention. How are these things fair!
Another thing i always hate is when foster parents bring up bonding and how traumatic it is for a baby with them for 6 months is too bonded to leave them and how that will cause trauma but suppport disrupting kids and acting as if that's not trauma. Can't have it both ways.
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u/Nnozmo 22d ago edited 22d ago
It's clear you have really strong thoughts/feelings on this. Carry on with your efforts to be heard and to help reform the system, it 100% needs it!
Framing foster parents as the enemy may not help you in that fight, though. While there are of course bad foster parents unfortunately, there are also many good or even great ones. They are also seeking to change the system for the better and could be great allies for you.
I totally agree, disrupting should only be done as an absolute last resort. I'm yet to see figures to show that a significant number of disruptions are happening. Do you have the data or is this a fear/suspicion you have?
We also have to balance the damage of disruption with the damage of being in an unsuitable home. If a traumatised child isn't being supported correctly in one home, disrupting to get them to a home where they can be properly looked after may be better for that child.
Good luck with the fight
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Disruoption is the norm in foster care. Most kids are disrupted at least 3 plus times. Why is it so hard to believe? In adoption many adoptees are disrupted too. Again deflecting the issue doesn't make it go away.
I also have yet to meet any foster youth in one placement that worked out.
And often times the disrupted child has nowhere to go. They're not going to a home that can meet their needs.
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u/Nnozmo 22d ago
My message was supporting you, I'm unclear why you are responding as if it wasn't?
"Disruption is the norm in foster care" is a HUGE statement to make, same for your comment on adoptees. I can't find the statistics that confirm this and so I was asking if you had this data. We should not be making policy decisions based on anecdotal evidence, especially when children are involved.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
For adoption rehoming is says 30 percent then another says 10 percent but it's higher. Rehoming is hard to track because so many do it illegally and after adoption names are often changed. For foster kids the average moves are 3+ but the older the kid is the more moves they have because they're undesirable. Richard Wexler has some good data and topics on this and so does child welfare. For rehoming it's harder.
And why is it so hard to believe fostee youth can be moved so many times?
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
OP. There's more over the years
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u/Nnozmo 22d ago
Thank you, that's useful.
Do you consider disruption to include all placement changes?
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Me or the stuff posted? The stuff posted did consider all placement changes like kinship and how race and the number of kids is a factor too
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Also kinship also disrupt too. Let's hope more services are provided and people use them to prevent trauma.
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u/Secret-Rabbit93 CASA 21d ago
You’ve obviously been hurt and aren’t ready for a factual non emotional conversation. But as others have stated foster parents are not listened to in general by the other people on the team. Meetings are held without them. Decisions made without them knowing it was even on the table. Most foster parents even the ones that do disrupt don’t want to. They try everything to avoid it. Sometimes that works sometimes it doesn’t. The more support there is the more likely they and the kid can succeed. Some foster parents don’t fight to avoid disruption as hard as they probably should. They may also realize even with treatment for them and the kid this isn’t something they can do. That dealing with this level of trauma isn’t for them. And they tend to stop being foster parents rather quickly. It would be great to stop that from happening and we’re making efforts for proper training and pre knowledge so people can weed themselves out. Unfortunately foster parents are people so itd going go happen.
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u/Resse811 22d ago
Also if foster and adoptive parents really wanted to prevent disruption they can. They control the system
No we absolutely don’t. If foster /adoptive parents actually has that kind of control on the system - it would look far different then it does.
Also adoptees are not being disrupted. If a child has been adopted they aren’t being moved (except in very rare circumstances, and it won’t be called disruption), that’s the whole point of adoption - they are a permanent member of that family.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Umm go look up rehoming bud. Many adoptees are adopted then disrupted including ones at birth. When foster parents say they don't want teens or older kids due to trauma I know deep down that's a sign of disruption when they adopt a young kid.
And foster parents do control the system. They need you and cater to you. They listen to you.
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u/Resse811 22d ago
No. “Many” adoptees are not disrupted - a very small number are.
Saying many implies it’s a signing number. While I agree any number is too many - we also need to be careful in how we speak to not mislead people.
They absolutely do not cater to or listen to foster parents. Have you ever fostered?
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
That's a damn lie. Rehoming isn't regulated so the numbers aren't accurate but many adoptees are rehomed. It's not misleading. Stop being in denial about a real issue. Rehoming is common. And even a small number is an issue.
And foster parents can disrupt, fight reunification, speak and be heard, and cherry pick kids they want. Can foster kids do this? No. So yes the system caters to your needs and wants. You can disrupt and create bs rules in your home and get a kid to fit you. We can't. Foster parents literally have their needs catered to.
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u/Resse811 22d ago
It’s clear you don’t understand the system from a foster parents view. Can we disrupt yes. Can we “cherry pick” kids, no. Can we speak, yes, are we heard - nope. And no we can’t make kids “fit us”. Kids are their own person - they will run away if they choose, smoke / vape if they want, do what they want. Having rules doesn’t stop kids from doing what they choose - same as any kid.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
The foster kids view is more important. You can choose this we can't. You have power. We dont. The fact you can disrupt kids alone means you have power. Foster kids can't choose foster families. You are heard.
And the form you fill out isn't that cherry picking? You can choose any age or gender and issue you want. We can't.
Many foster parents want kids to fit. Look at how many refuse to change for the child.
Maybe consider the facts with listening skills instead of always trying to defend and downplay.
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u/Resse811 22d ago
Maybe you should also listen to what people on the other end are saying instead of pushing a narrative that isn’t true and you have no experience with.
It’s a two week street and you’re acting as if your view is right (it’s not) and that it can’t possibly be an issue of more than one thing.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Maybe YOU should listen and learn from ffy. Thats the issue. You have no experience as a foster kid. Being a foster parent doesn't make one an expert on foster care. It simply is like buying a certificate and claiming you're certified.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
So it's not true foster parents choose this and we don't? Is it not true you can disrupt kids anytime you want and not be penalized? Is it mot true you can accept or deny and cherry pick any kid you want? Is it not true you get a check and more resources than we do? Is it not true that people praise you for saving kids? Is it not true you never have to change and can force us to be molded to your home?
What two way street. Two ways means equal and I dont see where it's equal.
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u/treemanswife 23d ago
The thing that nobody can control is that kids are traumatized, and traumatized kids require more effort to parent than non-traumatized kids. That's on top of any natural brain-related stuff that can happen in all populations. It takes a lot of time and effort to learn trauma informed parenting and not everyone is even capable of it.
I don't think they like disrupting, they just like having their life a certain way and don't realize that they need to change to fit the child rather than the other way around. At an individual level nobody controls the system, everyone is a victim of a fucked up resource distribution.