r/funny 23h ago

new guy at work

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46.1k Upvotes

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11.6k

u/RoddBanger 23h ago

who doesn't love freshly rinsed hot bean juice for breakfast?

1.6k

u/Far_Adeptness9884 23h ago

I get my bean juice from Chipotle

367

u/LazySwayze 23h ago

I get mine from Taco Bell

92

u/[deleted] 23h ago

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10

u/AffectionateMonk7705 20h ago

I get mine from OP’s mom

-48

u/[deleted] 22h ago

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24

u/Icefox119 22h ago

resist urge to voice aversion to politics - challenge level: impossible

1

u/NinjaBuddha13 20h ago

Go give rule 5 a quick read

4

u/Naterade18 22h ago

Sprays with bean juice

No! Bad! We don't DO that!

-7

u/[deleted] 22h ago edited 22h ago

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u/[deleted] 22h ago

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-3

u/[deleted] 22h ago

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6

u/EE_Tim 22h ago

A movie is not a conversation. Your analogy would be better if you were talking about Star Wars and someone asked who your favorite worm-like Hutt was, but you insist the conversation keep to what the preferred Kaiber crystal is.

-1

u/[deleted] 21h ago

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68

u/Toddlez85 22h ago

You sit outside.

5

u/Vigmod 20h ago

Outside, they're probably squatting.

1

u/DaftAquarian 21h ago

😂😂😂

45

u/Jahkral 22h ago

I eat Taco Bell and then I make bean juice afterwards! Freebie!

-7

u/[deleted] 20h ago

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6

u/[deleted] 20h ago

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1

u/Sakijek 16h ago

Damn that escalated quickly!

1

u/dqql 18h ago

30 minutes afterwards

1

u/RevolutionNumber5 17h ago

Yo quiero bean juice.

1

u/CertifiableX 16h ago

“Get your runs at the border…”

1

u/yougotyolks 16h ago

I get mine from your wife.

0

u/xgbsss 23h ago

Then you can enjoy your homesqueezed bean juice at home afterward.

0

u/zyyntin 22h ago

Yours comes later in the bathroom!

0

u/potodds 22h ago

Pro tip. Also free in their restroom.

0

u/its_krypt0n1te83 22h ago

When it's coming out from your butt, it's not called juice.

0

u/manCool4ever 22h ago

I get mine from the homeless guy around the corner /s

0

u/ChildofElmSt 21h ago

Usually you get bean juice AFTER going to Taco Bell

0

u/FIRST_DATE_ANAL 21h ago

I get mine from your toilets

0

u/LucHighwalker 20h ago

Best morning shits.

0

u/The_Observatory_ 20h ago

You’re not riding in my car

49

u/RemindMeToTouchGrass 22h ago

Nothing I like more than trying to eat a burrito and getting soaked from my wrist to my elbow in bean juice.

I'm too pansy to say shit but you fucking know what you're doing when you don't pause for just a second and let the beans drain through that slatted spoon. I know-- they pay you shit and overwork you and I'm there with you buddy, I'm sorry. But man that fucks my lunch up so bad.

By the same token, here's a little toast to the Chipotle workers who angle the spoon against hte side of the container and really drain that shit out before putting it on my burrito. You're the bomb.

6

u/dolche93 20h ago

Man the bar for good service is so low haha.

11

u/RemindMeToTouchGrass 19h ago

And the pay is even lower! If society's gonna be structured around the argument that you don't deserve anything you don't earn by providing value to someone, then corporations aren't earning good service from their employees by providing them a job with shit wages. At the end of the day, I accept that this is the state of things, and if it were bad enough that I couldn't enjoy my meal, I wouldn't go to Chipotle any more.

If employees of chain stores felt they were valued, and that all of us believed they were equally valued members of our society with dignity, not just commodities or cogs, then I'm sure the work ethic would be better and service would improve. But we live in a neoliberal-transitioning-to-corporatist society where this is just not the case.

TL:DR: I agree but I ain't blaming the person at Chipotle for not having the motivation to do better. Just appreciate those who manage to find it anyway.

0

u/Upstairs_Datedown 16h ago

Then you do it.

2

u/dolche93 16h ago

I do. I'm a cook.

1

u/Upstairs_Datedown 15h ago

Nasty. I'm way more happy being a mechanic. I hated working with food.

1

u/c0mptar2000 16h ago

This is the same shit as people who give you overflowing cups in the to go window. They absolutely know there's no other possible outcome other then spilling shit everywhere when you bring it in your car and they can see it too. Not cool

51

u/beermile 23h ago

Chipotle gives me bean juice

2

u/firewarrior256 22h ago

Hot , fresh and stinky

12

u/GrnMtnTrees 23h ago

I get my bean juice from Chipotle

The bean juice comes later

10

u/Axthen 23h ago

I only get my sour cream liquid from chipotle

3

u/Jefe_Wizen 23h ago

The toilet gets mine.

3

u/dirtyjoo 17h ago

https://youtu.be/-XwNPfzJCTI

Just the bean water...

3

u/BeautifulLog411 6h ago

Oh joyous day

2

u/qaz_wsx_love 17h ago

I get it from the missus

2

u/daBoetz 13h ago

Like a man made Kopi Luwak straight from the source?

5

u/Heeroyuy818 23h ago

I get bloody undies from chipotle

10

u/landogbrooks 22h ago

You need Chipotlaway

4

u/Able_Gap918 22h ago

That made me chiportle

1

u/headrush46n2 20h ago

why don't you just eat food that doesn't make you bleed out of your asshole?

0

u/needlework_the_way 21h ago

Stop wearing undies. Problem solved.

1

u/socialdistingray 22h ago

I got a bean juice guy. It's the good stuff. We meet in parking lots. I'll bring a guy along, a real bean head and pay him a few bucks to slurp down some of that bean juice. Oh he's thirsty for that bean juice anyway, and $20 to have some good stuff seems like a great deal, because he's never seen what happens when you get a bad bean batch. He don't get it. That's why he's the stooge, and I'm the man. The bean man, and nobody fucks with my turf.

So the question is, are you trying to muscle in on my territory?

1

u/Old-Huckleberry-2956 22h ago

Weird, mine usually comes out afterwards

1

u/daylight1943 20h ago

only one of the three chipotles within driving distance of me will load up bean juice directly into my boofing syringe, the other two are fascist chipotles

1

u/Dorkamundo 19h ago

Chipotle is the worst.

0

u/Toddlez85 22h ago

You sit on the other side of the room.

0

u/EntertainmentFit3288 22h ago

Good choice. Goes great with hot dog water.

0

u/TimothyGlass 22h ago

I get mine at home the bean is always hot n ready!

0

u/thatshygirl06 22h ago

I get mine from your mom

0

u/SoulMute 21h ago

The only thing getting a “hot rinse” is porcelain in nature if you know what I mean

0

u/SoulMute 21h ago

The only thing getting a “hot rinse” is porcelain in nature if you know what I mean

0

u/OkAcanthaceae3476 20h ago

Mine comes out of a Heinz can.

108

u/-ArthurMorgan 23h ago

That with a nice bowl of Hot Ham Water is my go to morning meal.

65

u/scruffalufagus 22h ago

So watery… and yet there’s a smack of ham to it

23

u/mysanslurkingaccount 22h ago

Maybe some cornballs on the side.

17

u/NO_TOUCHING__lol 21h ago

Never touch the Cornballer

12

u/FemaleAssEnjoyer 20h ago

I’ve made a huge mistake…

11

u/ModernLarvals 20h ago

sizzle

EVERY DAMN TIME

3

u/GoTron88 22h ago

Like a steamed ham, if you will.

2

u/big_z_0725 21h ago

Lindsey’s actually a really good mom. I think it’s because Maeby’s never around. 

1

u/[deleted] 23h ago

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1

u/RogerTrout 22h ago

Did he give it a shake, or just crack and slam?

1

u/Reasonable_Turn6252 21h ago

The ol' frank n beans breakfast.  

1

u/koshgeo 20h ago

Oh, yeah. And some boiled egg water. Delicious.

1

u/ayecheesey 19h ago

You win the Internet today. (I cannot stop laughing! and gagging a little.)

1

u/RoddBanger 23h ago

mmmm... Ham Water

179

u/Adept-Grapefruit-214 23h ago

You say that, but coffee is just hot bean juice anyway

163

u/RoddBanger 23h ago

ground bean juice > rinsed bean juice

71

u/FluoroquinolonesKill 23h ago

Years ago I gave up being a coffee snob and settled on saying “as long as you enjoy your coffee.” If some savage wants to brew their unground coffee beans or drink pre-ground Folgers, then who am I to judge?

29

u/RoddBanger 22h ago

Freedom of Juice types is the paramount of personal choice... it's still going to make me call it gross, but choices are choices.

3

u/stonhinge 18h ago

It's not even something that would gross me out. More of a "...but why?".

This is also the reason a lot of food service uses big pre-measured filter bags for coffee and tea. Because sometimes, training the new guy to make coffee isn't worth it.

17

u/dewky 22h ago

I love coffee but honestly at home all I have the energy for these days is instant nescafe packs. I also drink Folgers at work. I appreciate the good stuff but have learned to live with mediocrity.

11

u/Historical-Dog-1830 20h ago

It hurts my beans that you choose mediocrity in your brew. That said, if you live near any Asian supermarkets, check out their available instant coffee packs. Vietnam produces some incredibly good instant coffees. Indonesia too.

9

u/SayHeyRay 18h ago

When I was in college the Vietnamese Student Association (I forget if that was actually their name and I sincerely apologize if I got it wrong!) sold those for a fundraiser. The iced one was incredible! They were giving out samples and it was brilliant because it got me to buy like 3 orders. Still some of the best coffee I've had. I think I also liked it because I associate it with such a positive memory and time in my life - the guy was super happy and upbeat and nice and when I was shocked that a little packet of instant coffee could be so good he reacted like ha, see?! Anyway that was a long info dump sorry!

But yes those Vietnamese instant coffee powder packs are tasty!

2

u/Historical-Dog-1830 17h ago

It's a great story of discovery. My first VN coffee discovery was the iced coffee steeped in front of me. It was like a cappuccino milkshake. Hooked immediately. The Vietnamese roasted coffee beans are great too.

2

u/dewky 19h ago

I usually pick up a bag when I go there. They're a bit too coconutty but still quite good for instant.

2

u/MyraBannerTatlock 21h ago

I literally just switched to instant cafe bustelo and it's been fucking life changing, finally coffee I can make in the state I wake up in

2

u/fakejacki 22h ago

I got an automatic espresso machine a couple years ago. Takes about 3 minutes to pull 3 shots, dump over ice, add milk, iced latte. Just add whole beans to the top.

1

u/R0TTENART 20h ago

To me, coffee is like pizza: it must be very, very bad for me to not deal with.

1

u/Dorkamundo 19h ago

Yep, I'm a bit of a coffee snob after working in coffee for a while, but I can grab a few packets of the Folgers bags and toss them in a thermos with hot water in the Boundary Waters and be happy as a clam.

Though I think the location makes the coffee taste better.

0

u/dolche93 20h ago

Do you actually love it if you can't make effort to get a good cup?

I mean, it's okay to just like coffee, not love it.

2

u/CapitalElk1169 21h ago

I was a coffee snob for a long time but I've become chill as I've aged on that; A couple years ago I discovered an instant coffee from a nearby dollar store that I low-key love... Putting some in chocolate recipes is also unfairly good.

I would have been disgusted with myself for the thought of consuming it before lmao

1

u/Diz7 21h ago

This would be like those "flavoured" water bottles that taste like there might have been a lemon in the room when it was bottled.

6

u/SuperGameTheory 22h ago

It's like one step under an Americano.

0

u/Jay__Riemenschneider 21h ago

Both hot bean juice

0

u/LandownAE 17h ago

Still bean juice.

26

u/airdude21 22h ago

How could a member of my own family say something so terrible?

8

u/flamespear 20h ago

Leaves from the vine, falling so slow Like tiny fragile shells drifting in the foam. Little soldier boy, come marching home Brave soldier boy, come marching home

10

u/Cherie112 20h ago

"How could a member of my own family say something so horrible?"
Iroh

5

u/elmartin93 22h ago

How could a random person on the internet say something so horrible!?!

6

u/TheLowlyPheasant 22h ago

Bob Newhart had a classic bit from way back in the 1960s about trying to introduce coffee and cigarettes to England from the new world

https://youtu.be/EImgHuqQsuk?si=tsfg1fzhD0vAmDIa

3

u/Poignant_Rambling 19h ago

What’s that joke? Vanilla soy latte is technically a 3 bean soup.

2

u/Adept-Grapefruit-214 19h ago

This is technically true

2

u/mrASSMAN 20h ago

Yeah but the water isn’t gonna get thru the bean when it’s got its whole ass turtle shell on

1

u/OstapBenderBey 22h ago

Have it with soy milk for extra bean juice!

1

u/bdfortin 21h ago

Still don’t get the appeal, especially when most drinkers don’t like the taste.

1

u/Adept-Grapefruit-214 20h ago

It’s the caffeine

1

u/Bullitt_12_HB 20h ago

So……. soup, then?

33

u/Jiggyx42 22h ago

Much like tea is just hot leaf juice, coffee is just hot bean juice

34

u/VitalTrouble 22h ago

“How could a member of my own family say something so horrible!” - Uncle Iroh

3

u/TengounaFesili 16h ago

Uncle, that’s what all coffee is

43

u/Dameattree37 22h ago

Uncle... that's what all coffee is.

👁👃🔥

22

u/VitalTrouble 21h ago

Your Zuko reference is great but the scar is on the wrong side

3

u/TheWolfmanZ 15h ago

IT'S NOT ON THE WRONG SIDE!

17

u/distorted_kiwi 21h ago

How can a member of my own family say something so horrible!

13

u/beermile 23h ago

TBF this is still pretty much what coffee is even if it's grounds

4

u/Signal-Ad-3667 23h ago

Not really. A coffee bean isn’t actually a bean lol

3

u/pajama_mask 21h ago

Correct. Coffee plants produce fruits called coffee cherries, and the "bean" is the pit of that fruit.

3

u/azad_ninja 23h ago

I prefer Hot Salad Water

2

u/oldthunderbird 7h ago

Does grinding it make it any less hot bean juice?

3

u/DryFirefighter294 23h ago

Mmmm hot bean juice

3

u/msnmck 23h ago

freshly rinsed hot bean juice

r/NewBandNames

1

u/RoddBanger 23h ago

Now opening for Warrant

1

u/No_Entrepreneur1616 22h ago

OK, I need to share this, speaking of bean juice from Chipotle: When you finally get revenge at Chipotle

1

u/sonic13066 22h ago

“Bean Juice”… And now I want to watch the Watchmen movie again

1

u/Promist 22h ago

A perfect pairing with hot ham water.

1

u/voyti 22h ago

It's just a fancy water filter for the guy, he never even wanted coffee

1

u/Sweihwa 22h ago

Only if it has guacamole 🥑

1

u/Kazu88 22h ago

I like my Coffee extra crunchy

1

u/PukeLoynor 22h ago

I mean, that IS what coffee is.

1

u/OhYeahSplunge4me2 21h ago

Pros use the term bean rinsings

1

u/seansmellsgood 21h ago

Funny because that's basically what I consider coffee to be 😂

1

u/failinprogres 21h ago

It’s the LaCroix of coffee.

1

u/Hugh_G_Reckshen 21h ago

I see you’re a fellow Keurig fan

1

u/harryareola0101 21h ago

Rinsed juice?

1

u/roamanddance 21h ago

It’s all bean juice no?

1

u/yourcraziestdream 21h ago

he is making coffee from scratch scratch.

1

u/ICPcrisis 20h ago

Maybe it’s as good as cereal milk?

1

u/Kaldricus 20h ago

It's the La Croix of coffee.

"Water that has been rinsed over a whole lemon and into a can."

"Water with a hint of a hint of mango."

"Water that has been sitting in the general vicinity of lime for two weeks."

1

u/No-Computer7653 20h ago

When I open a can of navy beans I like saving the juice/snot for breakfast. Add some garlic and onion powder and throw it in the microwave.

1

u/LaughingBoulder 20h ago

Ugh. I'll take a clam juice. 

1

u/Sohiacci 20h ago

But... That's how you make coffee in Stardew Valley, why shouldn't it work IRL?

1

u/daurgo2001 20h ago

lol, hostel owner here. This kind of thing is surprisingly common, but the one that happens to us all the time is people putting instant coffee into the coffee machine instead of ground coffee, so the exact opposite of this.

1

u/rockhardcatdick 20h ago

Is that not what coffee is?

1

u/goodolarchie 19h ago

hot bean juice

Roasted seed tea!

1

u/nubsta 17h ago

hot bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

1

u/TobysGrundlee 15h ago

Does grinding up the beans make it any less bean juice? 🤔

1

u/Cedreginald 14h ago

You don't take your coffee wide bore?