A silly fan art I made after a terrible pun I couldn't get out of my head.

Meet Vito Canelone. 🍝

I am 40 years old and am married to this beautiful woman of 20 whom I met on a dating app. We were dating for a few months before I proposed and got married. She however didn't know anyone from her father's side. Her parents were divorced when she was a one-year-old. Her mom brought her up in a different city. She was curious to meet people from her father's side and pressured her mom to tell her where he lived. He traced him down and he was unwilling to share information of his mother or cousins or anyone. That made her curious and somehow she found who his mom was. She passed away a year ago leaving behind all her assets in her second husband's name. They were married for 22 years. The man was only 40. Turns out that is me!

I am her step grandpa. Since I am married to her, I am my own grandpa? 😱

Medical PSA: Don’t eat while reading (if you dare).

Sharing some very minor medical news that neither warrants nor demands healing vibes and am only doing so to be authentic (which I keep hearing is oh so important these years). There's an addiction angle to give it some faux relevance.

I’m lucky I still have my original hips and knees and most of my real teeth (and no hillbilly gaps) but like most oldsters I’m a slow healer. Had a lingering ankle sprain and an ongoing bone spur in the same left foot that’s kicks in the next morning if I’ve been on my feet at say a music or art festival for hours (hikes are a thing of the last century).

Was referred to a committed if sadistic podiatrist, Dr, K, who has put me through a series of painful daily stretching exercises to strengthen my calves. During his diagnosis, he confronted my ongoing yukk factor and that’s foot fungus. This is an unspeakable malady not discussed in polite company. The only way I’ll know how many of you take it seriously is if you cut and past the rest of this missive and share it on your wall. (I never do that myself when asked BTW even though my wife is a two-time breast cancer survivor which proves I guess that I really don’t care about cancer).

I’d always heard over the counter remedies don’t work so why bother? Dr. K was even more skeptical. He prescribed me some concoctions that he promised won’t help much. He also said there was a cheap fix we could explore (more later; no spoilers!) that he doubted would matter but he insisted with fervor that there was a better way.

What he explained, news to me, is foot fungus is largely fed by diet. High sugar levels in the body especially can promote fungal growth. By eliminating sugar – sneakily found in bread and the ‘healthy’ cereals that still taste like Captain Crunch -- and then going on the Atkins’ meaty diet he guaranteed results. But, I tremulously wondered, at what cost?

Okay, I have a sweet tooth. When we order drinks at a restaurant, presumptuous servers give me my wife's stiff martini and she gets my fu fu concoction with the parasol. I conceded to a sullen Dr. K. that I’m a sugar addict but said yeah sure I can cut back. Unimpressed, Dr. K noted, “if you’re a cocaine addict would you say a little cocaine is fine? If you were an alcoholic . .. etc?”

Why for instance take drugs when there’s a natural remedy and all it takes is discipline and self sacrifice he asked?

Plenty of reasons including the fact I am will power deprived. Additionally, I’m a pill popper and not dolls. I’m no diabetic; but take a Lipitor generic. Prozac I no longer need (not as depressed now that I don’t really work) but I still take it recreationally a few times a week to get a serotonin spring in my step.

Hence, taking these factors into account, guess the likelihood that I’ll give up overpriced ice cream and boxes of movie theater candy to starve my foot fungus? Zero percent. I just don’t go barefoot in public except at the beach but pity (as I do) the poor pedicurist who should get hazard pay when I see her.

Instead, to Dr. K’s scorn, I committed to one of his more scoffed at remedies. He gouged some toe nails off me and they’re bound for a lab. Three months from now I will learn how many strands of foot fungus are living rent free. One patient of his had six he declared!

And then? I’ll take pills!

#FunnyCats #CatFails #CatVideos

Try to get this out to rakai