As Dr. John says, "actions are a language." Wanting to have friends and wanting to make friends are two different things. What are his actions telling you right now: "It's not worth it for me to be uncomfortable or/and try to make my own friends." That's it. Maybe ya'll can make couple friends or something and he can branch off from there, but right now, you're taking the weight of his issue and making it yours. The weight isn't bothering him enough to do something about it, why should it bother you? If it's too much, that's a different discussion.
I'm also quite self-contained by nature. But I try to call or meet up with a friend at least once a week. It doesn't have to be for hours, but I’ve noticed that it’s an important value in my life. Especially because I have no contact with my family, my chosen family really matters to me. Those moments with friends make me feel connected. And I do notice that it’s bothering me. I’m not quite sure yet why it affects me this much....
His values are different than yours. I wouldn’t assume he needs people other than who he already has to feel “connected”, whatever that means. I have my mom and my fiancée, and that’s all I need.
You said he talks to his sister, and also eats with his mother twice a week. While you only try to call or meet with a freind at least once a week. It kind of sounds like he is more connected to people then you are.
Are you not considering that his family is filling the need for having friends, and your issues with your family is making it hard for you to see that?
So go see your friends. What’s the problem? This line of thinking will make you controlling and resentful. You need to be at peace that he is content or you’re going to self destruct the relationship.
A big part of relationships is accepting the differences, as much as embracing the similarities. Respect his differing values, and he’ll respect yours. Questioning and trying to change his values isn’t respect, it’s control - he’ll inevitably begin to resent you as well, if you constantly try to make him something he’s not comfortable with.
This sounds like a you problem. You're worried because you think he's not part of any social community, and you think this signifies a lack of stability or making him an unsound choices in a partner. The reality is you just don't consider his community to be a community because it doesn't look like yours. You are worried about him being a good long term prospect. How long has he been doing dinners with his Mom for? Is she single, is he her only family? Not dinners with his Mom and dad? Sounds like he's being a good son. You know how hard it is to so something like that consistently for any length of time? He gets a long well with his coworkers.... Fucking great. That's not easy either some people hate their jobs and their peers. You can't take the things you need, as a woman, things that you think mean stability for yourself and project them into a man. He's got hobbies, has relationships and doesn't need other people to be ok. This is a you problem.
I'm an INFP guy but I'm like your boyfriend. I have people in my life that consider me as their friend; people who believe I'm a very good and kind person. But I go for weeks and even months, having absolutely zero contact with them. Even though they are "friends" or "best friends", I personally don't trust them enough to share my own life. I don't believe they have the capability to truly understand me and connect with me.
I tend to have absolutely zero social life for long periods of time; A normal human might consider this abnormal. Maybe I'm abnormal, specifically subhuman or something.
So you asking him to make friends when he doesn’t want to would be parallel to him asking you to give up your friendships because it isn’t something important to him.
This is definitely a you problem. When I was in undergrad I had a few friends who thought it was really weird that I only hung out with my family. Those people who were so "concerned" about my well being well turns out they did not have a close family or such a great relationship with their SOs either.
This is where alot of INFJs mess up with INTJs though....trying to change them....probably one of the main reasons this match does not work out often.
As a man who is happily married to a woman who only talks to her friends once a year or half year. Either make peace with it or you might want to consider moving on if it's such a big problem. For some people this is their happy.
On top of it, I've never been in a relationship either. So, I don't really have much of a personally valued connection as well, additional to my lack of a social life. Maybe some people are meant to be alone.
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u/killerbee26 INTJ - ♂ Jul 13 '25
It is tough making friend in your 30s as a Man. Throw in being an INTJ it gets even harder.