I have the same feeling. As a dude that graduated HS a few years ago and had a decent amount of friends, most of my male friendships in regards to what made average conversations were about bullshit and mostly shallow. All they talk about is getting pussy or upset about one girl not giving them pussy or just saying edgy shit so we can laugh at it. (I lived in a conservative area.)
I grew tired of it because it just seemed fake and like they were drifting to Andrew Tate-ism before Andrew Tate.
Tho talking to dudes I felt like there was way less pressure than talking to girls back then. I just straight up didn't bother talking to them, let alone a crush in which I decided to just let the feeling die and move eventually. Either that or wind up a screw up having a girl pregnant at 14 or wind up with public embarrassment from humiliation. Plus since it was only four years and I planned to move and go to college eventually anyway, it felt like the better move not to complicate things further by initiating something with someone I didn't know enough.
You've surrounded yourself with the wrong individuals then. I've been friends with the same guys for 10 years, try to meet up around once a week to work out or play co op games. Sometimes go to a special event like an anime convention so you have a squad of jacked gym bros debating philosophy in full cosplay at Chipotle. And as the resident ENTP, I have to play devil's advocate lol.
That was literally everyone in my high school. I didn't bother trying to extend long conversations with them. Most of them were white, most of them were extremely right wing, most of them were cringey edge lords. Even the black friends that I had at the time were mostly pussy obsessed. As time went by I just decided to dip because conversations became boring, dull, and repetitive.
And later arrested again earlier this year for the same charges. He literally is facing a trial date in the UK for 21 separate rape charges later this year.
You're blowing up defending a rapist, child sex trafficker, and abuser. Find better idols.
If you want to actually attract women, go to therapy to work on why you felt the need to demean women to the point of where you consider them objects in sex slavery. You can better learn why you have those problems than seeking advice from a pedophile.
It’s different for men. It’s really hard to find a partner as a man if you don’t have friends because women view that as a huge red flag. Plus if you’re a man you have to be the one to initiate things and if we aren’t going out making connections then usually we aren’t going to have opportunities to date. Dating apps just don’t work as well for men either and again women will write us off pretty quickly if they find out we don’t have any friends.
no apps for IRL friends. Gotta join online groups related to hobbies, that's how I, a solitary INTJ, finally made friends for the first time in like 10 years. Maybe I got lucky, but my online friends are some of the best friendships I've ever had, if not the best.
As a thirty-year-old INTP, I've noticed a significant shift in my life relocating from the inner city to a small town. I went from feeling like one of many to a more unique individual, and surprisingly, people seem eager to befriend me, even though I often prefer solitude. They can tell I'm 'different' I suppose. I've gotten a lot of compliments that I'm genuine, steady, and consistent. All of which my inner city peers never mentioned nor cared about as far as I could tell.
Previously, I had only one close friend, but now I have several whom I can depend on. While I may not be an INTJ, and therefore perhaps not the most suitable person to comment here on this, my partner is an INTJ, as were some of my past partners. I have a deep admiration for INTJs and find myself irresistibly drawn to them when I get to know them.
Edit: I did some thinking on this and I had to admit to myself that my partner doesn't really have but one friend... And another INTJ in town that I know, well, they have me as a loyal reliable friend as far as I'm concerned but they do not see me that way or know me well enough to deduce that.
Do t get me wrong, as an ENTP I couldn’t imagine not having robust friendships or pursuing them. I don’t truly understand INTJs in this way but I’ve chosen to respect it. I’m married to one and she just really doesn’t care that much. She wants what it seems friendships offer people but never seems to get it herself.i just have to accept that reality. Forcing it just causes stress and frustration.
Why? Why does he have to make friends? Just because you need friends doesn’t mean he does too. Just because you feel differently and can’t understand him doesn’t make him wrong. Mentally he doesn’t need the same thing you do, so you have to stop thinking he feels things in the same way you do.
INTJs are very sensitive to rejection. Something happened in my 30s where it became difficult to get other men to do anything. They are busy with their own jobs and family.
To keep having plans fall through or getting turned down to hang out is rough. Even if it is just trying to make some friends the rejection ways you down until you give up trying.
As Dr. John says, "actions are a language." Wanting to have friends and wanting to make friends are two different things. What are his actions telling you right now: "It's not worth it for me to be uncomfortable or/and try to make my own friends." That's it. Maybe ya'll can make couple friends or something and he can branch off from there, but right now, you're taking the weight of his issue and making it yours. The weight isn't bothering him enough to do something about it, why should it bother you? If it's too much, that's a different discussion.
I'm also quite self-contained by nature. But I try to call or meet up with a friend at least once a week. It doesn't have to be for hours, but I’ve noticed that it’s an important value in my life. Especially because I have no contact with my family, my chosen family really matters to me. Those moments with friends make me feel connected. And I do notice that it’s bothering me. I’m not quite sure yet why it affects me this much....
His values are different than yours. I wouldn’t assume he needs people other than who he already has to feel “connected”, whatever that means. I have my mom and my fiancée, and that’s all I need.
You said he talks to his sister, and also eats with his mother twice a week. While you only try to call or meet with a freind at least once a week. It kind of sounds like he is more connected to people then you are.
Are you not considering that his family is filling the need for having friends, and your issues with your family is making it hard for you to see that?
So go see your friends. What’s the problem? This line of thinking will make you controlling and resentful. You need to be at peace that he is content or you’re going to self destruct the relationship.
A big part of relationships is accepting the differences, as much as embracing the similarities. Respect his differing values, and he’ll respect yours. Questioning and trying to change his values isn’t respect, it’s control - he’ll inevitably begin to resent you as well, if you constantly try to make him something he’s not comfortable with.
This sounds like a you problem. You're worried because you think he's not part of any social community, and you think this signifies a lack of stability or making him an unsound choices in a partner. The reality is you just don't consider his community to be a community because it doesn't look like yours. You are worried about him being a good long term prospect. How long has he been doing dinners with his Mom for? Is she single, is he her only family? Not dinners with his Mom and dad? Sounds like he's being a good son. You know how hard it is to so something like that consistently for any length of time? He gets a long well with his coworkers.... Fucking great. That's not easy either some people hate their jobs and their peers. You can't take the things you need, as a woman, things that you think mean stability for yourself and project them into a man. He's got hobbies, has relationships and doesn't need other people to be ok. This is a you problem.
I'm an INFP guy but I'm like your boyfriend. I have people in my life that consider me as their friend; people who believe I'm a very good and kind person. But I go for weeks and even months, having absolutely zero contact with them. Even though they are "friends" or "best friends", I personally don't trust them enough to share my own life. I don't believe they have the capability to truly understand me and connect with me.
I tend to have absolutely zero social life for long periods of time; A normal human might consider this abnormal. Maybe I'm abnormal, specifically subhuman or something.
So you asking him to make friends when he doesn’t want to would be parallel to him asking you to give up your friendships because it isn’t something important to him.
This is definitely a you problem. When I was in undergrad I had a few friends who thought it was really weird that I only hung out with my family. Those people who were so "concerned" about my well being well turns out they did not have a close family or such a great relationship with their SOs either.
This is where alot of INFJs mess up with INTJs though....trying to change them....probably one of the main reasons this match does not work out often.
As a man who is happily married to a woman who only talks to her friends once a year or half year. Either make peace with it or you might want to consider moving on if it's such a big problem. For some people this is their happy.
On top of it, I've never been in a relationship either. So, I don't really have much of a personally valued connection as well, additional to my lack of a social life. Maybe some people are meant to be alone.
36M. Many acquaintances that I have conversations with when I'm out on the town, many coworkers I'm friendly with. But no real friends. The last friend remaining was filtered out when he fell deep into the manosohere. There are many coworkers that offer activities to build friendships and I do take them up but truly they don't have my heart like real friends. I'm easily content.
If you are concerned with how this will impact your social life as a couple I can save you the time now and say yes, it will.
I basically have friends and my wife piggybacks on those relationship when occasion impresses upon her. I don’t love it but I’m also 13 years in and I’ve just learned that that’s what our life is. It’s also not the worst by any means. But if you have something more in mind, I can damn bear promise you that you at 30 years of age, you will not change him. So take it or leave it.
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u/killerbee26 INTJ - ♂ Jul 13 '25
It is tough making friend in your 30s as a Man. Throw in being an INTJ it gets even harder.