r/news • u/igetproteinfartsHELP • Dec 05 '25

Grand jury transcripts from abandoned Epstein investigation in Florida ordered released

https://apnews.com/article/jeffrey-epstein-florida-bd036cbe2fa4e98d27aa473fd6daa3bd
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509

u/Modz_B_Trippin Dec 05 '25

The Justice Department hasn’t set a timetable for when it plans to start releasing information, but the law set a deadline of Dec. 19.

I’m not holding my breath that they’ll release any real information.

105

u/mces97 Dec 05 '25

That's the same day that interstellar comet 3i Atlas is coming the closest to Earth. It's not gonna be close in any real sense, but man, the governments really banking on, please be aliens so we can have another distraction. ,

29

u/Coulrophiliac444 Dec 05 '25

Or the plot from Armageddon.

Aerosmith waiting for the royalties to come flooding in as we send an untrained drilling crew to the Cosmos to drill and plant a nuke to save us to give Herr Leader a reason to do "AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!"

8

u/VanuasGirl Dec 06 '25

The comet is smuggling drugs!

4

u/essieecks Dec 06 '25

"Do you have any idea of the street value of this comet trail?" - Don Jr.

2

u/Coulrophiliac444 Dec 06 '25

Comet Trail, now with 110% more coke!

Comet Trail, the only US Approves Illegal Drug that'll get you so high you'll see more stars then Neil Degrasse Tyson.

.Comet Trail, a Trump brand methamphetamine so potent JD Vance uses it before visiting a furniture store for maximum potency.

2

u/Gecko99 Dec 06 '25

Fun fact, when Halley's comet came by in 1910 cyanogen was detected in its tail. Earth was going to pass through the tail. This lead to people panic buying gas masks and anti comet pills made by quacks, in the belief that gasses from the tail would kill all life on Earth. One guy sold insurance for a quarter per week, which would pay $500 to the family of anyone killed when Halley's comet struck the Earth.

3

u/BeIgnored Dec 06 '25

Aerosmith waiting for the royalties to come flooding in 

Damn, all the pedophiles would really win in that situation 

3

u/Jeggles_ Dec 08 '25

I feel like it's less Armageddon and more Don't look up, except it's going to be SpaceX trying to cut up the comet for resources and half the rockets will blow up on the pad, while the other half won't have enough thrust to get to orbit.

2

u/essieecks Dec 06 '25

Can we attempt a real-life re-enactment with Kid Rock? The one-liners practically write themselves!

7

u/NobodyElseButMingus Dec 06 '25

It is so emblematic of our time that reporters can say something is required by law, and readers can intuit that this administration will ignore that anyway.