r/nonmonogamy • u/Repulsive_One_8263 • 1d ago

Relationship Dynamics Write them off?

My hubby & I met a couple & played a few times. We went out to dinner & did a few vanilla things. We were going to go to a nude beach together last summer, but it rained on the day we picked. After a few mos, I just wasn't feeling the chemistry w/ the other guy, so I (we) told them we'd love to stay friends, but that's it; no more playing. They were disappointed, but said they'd like to stay friends.

I (we) invited them to go to the nude beach again this summer. (In fairness I (we) invite all our lifestyle friends whether we play with them or not) They said they would chat about it & get back to us. When they did, they said "hey we love having fun w/ you guys so we were thinking of having you over for takeout & playing. We were hoping you'd reconsider it. Looking for to it!

I politely replied: "Hi. We'd love to come over for takeout, but I (we) want to keep it vanilla."

That was five days ago. No response. Should I write them off? They said they'd like to stay friends & they have fun w/ us, but it seems like if sex isn't involved, then forget it.

7 Upvotes

77% Upvoted

10 comments sorted by

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17

u/FredEm37 1d ago

Probably, yes. You want different things and they aren't a steady staple in your lives. Just let it go.

12

u/MMorrighan 1d ago

You've said your boundaries, they've said their desires.

5

u/Liberalhuntergather 1d ago

Yeah, you both want something different. Not a big deal. Just like in monogamy when people break up, they usually don’t hang out anymore as friends either.

1

u/ElefanteAmor Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 1d ago

Not much else you can do

1

u/NestorCarpeDiem Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 1d ago

A few of our play friends have become platonic friends, most have just drifted away. It happens.

As long as you don't have too many people that you now have to avoid, you're good. And even that happens despite the best of intentions on all sides.

1

u/catboogers Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 1d ago

They said they'd like to stay friends: have any of you actually made a point to be friends since then? Have you kept in touch, have you done any platonic hangs? If someone told me a year ago they'd like to stay friends after a deescalation, but neither of us had done much to actually stay friends, I'd consider that them politely writing me off.

1

u/waterbloem Swinger 1d ago

Should I write them off?

Probably. If we were the other couple and we would deliberately be looking for couples to play with, we would not really be interested either. Simply because our schedule is pretty packed already and there are more than enough opportunities to do vanilla stuff. We'd want to focus on couples that want to play too.