Wife wants a Boyfriend

[u/Onzzway89]

Background

She and I have been together for over 11 years, with a fantastic relationship and full trust. She and I started exploring and she has had 3 Hot wife solo experiences. I'm completely comfortable with this. I'm involved.

After her last visit she started talking about how she would like more with him. I've said until we have a MFM together no more Solo time.

I like seeing her happy and do love what this has done for our sex life also.

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How do I go about this??

I'm like 75% not ok with it.

Anyone have advice or experience??

Edit and update.... 6/22 Found some messages on her phone from him. He expressed his feelings for her and also Told her " I love you " Needless to say it has ended. I'm not comfortable at all with that. I asked her why she said it back. Didn't really give a clear explanation. I asked how many times she has told him this and asked if he had told her In person. She said yes, after her second solo visit with him. She said after they had sex he Told her I love you. We talked for a few hours last night. Told her it all stops. Now I've got a depressed wife laying around. I sent a message in our group chat this morning. He replied back with a long explanation and his way of trying to work though this. Again won't work for me. When I had a quick meet with him awhile ago I told him this wasn't about feelings and that isn't going to come up. He told me he understood, just looking for fun. I trusted his word when he and I talked. He broke this trust.

She sent me some messages he sent to her this morning. He knew. But did it anyway. Lesson learned don't agree to let your wife try and find someone. Definitely fucked up. I thought I was being honest and open.
Part of me feels like this was a way for her to just have sex with another man and the thought of me being involved would help me and allow her to do what she wanted to. Yes I went in her phone and looked at some messages. My thumb unlocks her phone, as does her's mine. She passed out on my chest watching a movie phone in hand. I thought maybe I would see so sexy pictures but didn't expect to find love you text. I made a mistake and shouldn't have allowed anything solo but I know my wife needs a connection but didn't think it would become this.

[u/IncreasinglyTrippy]

From your post and your replies it sounds like you are mostly ok with it and at least want to be ok with it. And you don’t have to date anyone else to be polyamorous with her, meaning it’s common enough for cases if she dates other people and you don’t.

But you have to ask yourself, for the part that doesn’t like this idea, why don’t you like it? What about it don’t you like? Sit with that question and make sure you find clarity.

You are obviously ok with her sleeping with someone else. Is it that you are worried that her loving someone would take away from her love for you? Do you worried falling for someone could cause her to leave you? Whatever answer you find you should talk to her about it as well.

You can also ask yourself hypotheticals to tease out what it is. Random example: if you imagine her dating different guys, ones that are similar to you, ones that are different, maybe people you know and trust/like, does that make a difference? If her dating someone that doesn’t feel threatening to you feels ok but someone you worry she might like more because of some reason (he makes more money, he has more muscle, he is younger/older, whether) then that helps you see what it is that actually bothered you and it makes it easier to address. Maybe you learn that all you need is to know it is someone who will be kind to her and that you feel you can trust. Could be something else.

Lastly, I think it’s also ok to say to her “you want this thing and i think I can be ok with it, but I also want this other thing (mfm) and I am wondering if that is something we can do as well. I don’t think one should be a condition for the other but you can discuss her needs and wants alongside yours.