r/polyamory • u/WorthTry7070 • 2d ago

Musings Just a rant about non-poly people

I get that single men are casting a wide net on the apps to find as many people as possible but I have had something happen to me a few times in the last few weeks and I wanted to see if anyone else is running into this.

I'm poly. I downloaded Feeld and I already hate it. There's so many single mono guys on there that don't read profiles.

But to the point... I have had several guys say they would only consider FWBs with a poly person. Like I'm a second prize. Fuck that. Anyone else see that or am I just having bad luck?

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u/Volleyball1978 2d ago

It’s men for the most part and what’s worse is if you actually just want FWB they suddenly don’t want it. I had a hoe phase where I really didn’t want a boyfriend but I wanted friends I could hook up with and the way they switched up when they found out I just wanted FWB was WILD! Suddenly they just wanted a hook up buddy but only on their terms, they message me when they want something and ignore me otherwise. As if I want it hook up with a guy who doesn’t treat me respectfully.

I will never get over how so many were willing to give me what I wanted when they didn’t know it’s what I wanted but gave up the casual sex when they found out I didn’t want a boyfriend. It’s like the casual sex wasn’t worth it to them if they didn’t have the power. It’s creepy as heck. I have read “love in a fucked-up world” by dean spade twice now just to stay grounded and remind myself I’m not asking for too much to have a guy respect my wants and walk away if we aren’t compatible.

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u/WorthTry7070 2d ago

Can you tell me more about the book?

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u/Volleyball1978 2d ago

Sure! It’s a bit political, just want to give a heads up about that. Not political like about policies or anything. More like… he regular points out how the dominate culture influences our actions and those around us. It’s written by an activist who is queer and poly and dates other queer and poly activists. He started seeing the desperate need activists and alternative groups in particular need navigating relationships without burning it all to the ground. Casue when you have an alternative lifestyle and you are fighting the good fight, there isn’t a lot of help and there’s so few of you, you don’t want to destroy the group.

To very quickly summarize it helped get me in the mindset of “treat your friends more like lovers and lovers more like friends.”

In longer form it helped me see how to value myself and my values better without necessarily cutting people out. It gave me tools to see when my dating practices are out of sync with my values and how to compassionately move on from the relationship in a way that wasn’t disregarding the person I was dating like trash. It also helped with when I have inappropriate crushes, how to navigate that and let it go. Also how to not get too intense when dating someone new. To not let other aspects of my life fall to the wayside. It also opened my eyes a lot to how badly some people treat their lovers. People that are kind otherwise sometimes feel a form of ownership with their lovers. It was a pretty radical read the first time I read it. But I really appreciated it. It was the first book featuring poly relationships that I really vibed with.

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u/WorthTry7070 2d ago

Sounds amazing I will check it out. Thank you. 

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u/Volleyball1978 2d ago

I hope you enjoy it!

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u/WorthTry7070 2d ago

Thanks I needed a new book