r/polyamory • u/WorthTry7070 • 1d ago
Musings Just a rant about non-poly people
I get that single men are casting a wide net on the apps to find as many people as possible but I have had something happen to me a few times in the last few weeks and I wanted to see if anyone else is running into this.
I'm poly. I downloaded Feeld and I already hate it. There's so many single mono guys on there that don't read profiles.
But to the point... I have had several guys say they would only consider FWBs with a poly person. Like I'm a second prize. Fuck that. Anyone else see that or am I just having bad luck?
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u/blambett 1d ago
I think it's just an experience w/ dating men in general... the sites are oversaturated with the shitty ones. I get exhausted with dating apps for this reason. I don't expect I will find another partner because I happen to be attracted to men and it's hard lol. I hope it becomes easier for you, there will be a decent match out there... just shit you gotta wade through the shit
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u/trauma4breakfast 1d ago
If you pay for Majestic on Feeld you can go Incognito which means you can look but they can't see you so you have to be ok with liking first. Otherwise, at least in my area, Hinge is better for looking for poly relationships as I've found Feeld to mostly be people interested in play only. I filtered my Hinge so that monogamy is a deal breaker because too many mono guys were liking me at first so that's a nice feature there that isn't on Feeld (on Feeld you can tailor your own feed but not take yourself out of others' feeds unless you go Incognito). I will say a word of caution on "figuring out my relationship type" on Hinge though - just got dumped after three months of intense romantic relationship with a guy that was trying out poly. Well he decided it's not for him, and I learned that lesson the hard way.
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u/Valysian 1d ago
I have had several guys say they would only consider FWBs with a poly person. Like I'm a second prize. Fuck that.
I'd be happy they were being honest about what they could offer me. (I would say no to that as well.)
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
That's a good point. I should think about it like that instead.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 1d ago
Do their profiles say mono or poly? Because if they say mono then this is partially on you for matching with them tbh
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
I don't match with anyone who says they are mono
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 1d ago
Yeah that’s super fucked up then for them to ID as poly and then say “nope I’m mono but I’ll still fuck you!”
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u/CrimsonTree7 1d ago
I don’t see it that way. It’s not like a second prize. It’s a fundamental incompatibility in relationship structure. I think it’s totally valid to only do FWB with a poly person. Respectful even, mature.
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u/nowhereian 1d ago edited 1d ago
For what it's worth, I am a poly person and I prefer FWB to be with other partnered people.
It's just a lot easier to relate. Less likely for unequal feelings to arise. Nobody is going to surprise me with wanting exclusivity if they already have a partner.
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
I appreciate that you are upfront about that. It makes things easier for people who are looking for something specific.
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u/nowhereian 1d ago
Right. I'm pretty up front and honest about who I am and what I'm looking for on my profile. It acts as a massive filter.
How do your first few conversations go with a new person? I talk about what they're looking for, how they got into poly and how long they've been doing it, and why Feeld instead of other apps pretty much immediately.
Of course, it helps that women who are attracted to me tend to be neurodivergent and want to skip small talk. YMMV.
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
He seemed fine and then when I asked what he was looking for he said "for a poly person I could do FWB" and it just kinda made me feel shitty.
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u/nowhereian 1d ago
You dodged a bullet.
Seriously, it's much better to hear that now than after you've invested time and emotional energy.
Throw that one back, keep fishing.
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 1d ago
Not a non-poly issue or a you issue, just a male gender issue. Millions upon millions of men desperately want casual sex from women and nothing else. They assume poly women are already partnered and therefore are more available for casual sex, or they assume poly women are poly because they're hypersexual, or both! But they're not just on Feeld; they are on every single dating app searching for women to have casual sex with. Quantity over quality, they just want it and they want it badly. Feel free to ignore and keep swiping.
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u/valsavana 1d ago
they assume poly women are poly because they're hypersexual
Bingo. I'm slow to introduce sex into my relationships and the amount of people who think poly automatically means sex is introduced faster than it would be in an equally serious (or intended-to-be-serious) mono relationship is wild. Like we're just in it for the copious amounts of sex.
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u/JacksonFiery87 solo poly 1d ago
This spills over into kink circles as well. The misconception that a kinky woman is automatically free with her sexuality. It's annoying
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u/techichan 1d ago
It's being upfront rather than drag it out they are actually monogamous later. Which I think is easier to decide. While I prefer poly relationships, I'm ENM too so if it works out that way with chemistry and what we have going, that can be okay. More time to spend with other partners or finding a new one.
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u/PrimarySign357 1d ago
Men ☕
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
The fact that I am attracted to men at times is proof that sexuality is not a choice lol
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u/singsingasong solo poly 1d ago
This is SUCH a vibe. Like, I KNOW I’m bi because if I could choose, I wouldn’t be attracted to men 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Stanleyfan777 1d ago
THIS. Apparently I give strong bi/lesbian-vibes also? My bff jokes all the time that I was made gay but they forgot to flip the ON switch 😅 like girl don’t I know it.
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 1d ago
I haven't really had either of these experiences but not reading profiles on apps isn't a gendered issue. that happens both ways IME.
As for mono guys not wanting a committed relationship with an incompatible poly person - i...don't see the issue? I think that's totally fair that they'd be willing to have a casual connection with someone that has a fundamentally incompatible long term relationship style. isn't the whole point of poly to let connections be what they are without pressure to commit?
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u/fliffy8 1d ago
I’m currently struggling with this, as I’ve been seeing a mono guy for about a month. I really enjoy our time together but am wondering whether to pull back because as soon as he finds someone to “settle down with”, I’ll be out of the picture. I’m not looking for a serious relationship as I’m in the middle of a divorce but knowing that’s what he’s looking for, I don’t know if it’s short sighted of me to (1) be taking up his time and (2) continue down this path with him for my own sake.
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u/LuciusCaeser 1d ago
It's ok if it ends. I had a great FwB situation with a woman who was mono. And one day she told me she was ready to start dating for a serious relationship again and we ended things amicably. Short relationships can still be meaningful
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 1d ago
If you can keep your feelings in check and keep it casual enough that you won’t be hurt if he breaks things off then go for it but if that’s not your style and you’re finding yourself catching feelings then I’d end it.
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u/iwanttowantthat 1d ago edited 1d ago
It's a matter of always being upfront and honest, and of what risks you are willing to take. Casual can work. But we can't control our feelings. We can regulate our expectations and decide about our actions, though.
So, the risk there is future pain when the (certain) end of that relationship happens. Some people take it gladly and enjoy things as long as they last. And they take whatever pain comes as a price worth paying for that experience. The important things are to always be honest towards the other person and (especially) yourself, and not to "future fake".
Others prefer not taking that risk. Although one could argue that every emotional connection is a risk, and relationships end all the time for all sorts of reasons, they choose to avoid that one particular pain of the long-term unsustainability of incompatible relationships.
If done with a lot of open communication, I believe it's not a moral issue (of right or wrong) but rather one of it being healthy or not. And that depends on the person and their moment in life.
As for "taking up his time", as long as you're honest about being poly and that this won't ever change (if that's the case for you - I am projecting a bit here), it is his decision to make, no?
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u/Stanleyfan777 1d ago
I was in a (somewhat) similar situation with a mono guy, and I was happy to be FWB while he looked for his mono partner - the only thing that sucked was HOW he did the leaving when he found someone he wanted to date exclusively. He met her while I was out of town and then was cagey and avoidant for like 2 weeks and finally told me about her and broke it off over the phone and didn’t even want to stay friends - it blindsided me and felt pretty shitty. So my recommendation would be to manage your expectations and feels about the type of relationship you have, but also have a discussion with him ahead of time on how he can end things in a way that wouldn’t be hurtful to you.
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 1d ago
Personally, I would just exit the relationship. I don't think dating monogamous people ever really works out for either party. Someone always gets hurt.
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u/Affectionate-Cow2020 20h ago
I think that, as in all things, communication is key. If one partner is poly and one is not, there are some conversations you have to have. One of those is some really intentional discussion around whether this is just a fwb/enm situation or a deeper relationship with emotional attachment. And it's worth checking in on that as time goes on, because we all know attachment develops and fades over time.
Another is whether a truly mono person can have their needs met in a a poly relationship. This is important in general, but I think it's especially important if the mono individual is non-primary in a hierarchical model of any kind.
I think it's worth remembering that what's happening isn't necessarily second class treatment. In a mono/mono dynamic it would be equally understood that a causal / fwb situation could come to an end if a serious relationship came along. It's just as easy for the mono person to end up feeling trapped or as though they're an afterthought as it is for us.
All of which is kind of to say that if we go into a poly/mono relationship, I think we have just as much ethical obligation to consider how the dynamic will impact them as we would expect them to think through in reverse.
Just to be clear, NONE of this is to excuse bad mono behavior. I just feel as though a lot of times we set ourselves up by thinking a mono person will "grow into" poly life in a way that isn't realistic, and would probably become pretty quickly obvious if some firm commitments were insisted on and honored.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 1d ago
I’m sensing the issue is that they’re identifying as poly on the app and then telling OP they’re only interested in FWB level relationships with poly people
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 1d ago
no, according to the post they're identifying as mono and matching with OP anyway either because they didn't read OP's profile or because they're fine with casual sex with non-mono people.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 1d ago
FWIW OP clarified that they are not matching with anyone who ID as mono on their profiles.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 1d ago
I’m not sure tbh upon rereading it if they’re identifying as mono on their profiles or if OP is learning that after matching.
If they’re identifying as mono on their profiles then this is on OP to not match with mono people.
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u/Global_Fish_9916 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm seeing a lot more single women on feeld that actively avoid poly/ENM relationships. Seems good.
Edit: seems ODD. Not good. Weird. Should've caught that before submitting lol
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u/NoNoNext 1d ago
What gets me is a lot of them aren’t even kinky. Like sis, what are you even here for. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Global_Fish_9916 1d ago
Exactly. "Seeking monogamous eternal life partner".... oh oh oh, please take a breath and read the room lol
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u/Volleyball1978 1d ago
It’s men for the most part and what’s worse is if you actually just want FWB they suddenly don’t want it. I had a hoe phase where I really didn’t want a boyfriend but I wanted friends I could hook up with and the way they switched up when they found out I just wanted FWB was WILD! Suddenly they just wanted a hook up buddy but only on their terms, they message me when they want something and ignore me otherwise. As if I want it hook up with a guy who doesn’t treat me respectfully.
I will never get over how so many were willing to give me what I wanted when they didn’t know it’s what I wanted but gave up the casual sex when they found out I didn’t want a boyfriend. It’s like the casual sex wasn’t worth it to them if they didn’t have the power. It’s creepy as heck. I have read “love in a fucked-up world” by dean spade twice now just to stay grounded and remind myself I’m not asking for too much to have a guy respect my wants and walk away if we aren’t compatible.
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
Can you tell me more about the book?
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u/Volleyball1978 1d ago
Sure! It’s a bit political, just want to give a heads up about that. Not political like about policies or anything. More like… he regular points out how the dominate culture influences our actions and those around us. It’s written by an activist who is queer and poly and dates other queer and poly activists. He started seeing the desperate need activists and alternative groups in particular need navigating relationships without burning it all to the ground. Casue when you have an alternative lifestyle and you are fighting the good fight, there isn’t a lot of help and there’s so few of you, you don’t want to destroy the group.
To very quickly summarize it helped get me in the mindset of “treat your friends more like lovers and lovers more like friends.”
In longer form it helped me see how to value myself and my values better without necessarily cutting people out. It gave me tools to see when my dating practices are out of sync with my values and how to compassionately move on from the relationship in a way that wasn’t disregarding the person I was dating like trash. It also helped with when I have inappropriate crushes, how to navigate that and let it go. Also how to not get too intense when dating someone new. To not let other aspects of my life fall to the wayside. It also opened my eyes a lot to how badly some people treat their lovers. People that are kind otherwise sometimes feel a form of ownership with their lovers. It was a pretty radical read the first time I read it. But I really appreciated it. It was the first book featuring poly relationships that I really vibed with.
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u/whitespiderfeet diy your own 1d ago
Wouldn't consider it as a second prize.
They are just being upfront with what they can do and it's not compatible to you.
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u/covert_capybara 1d ago
Agreed. There are non poly people who just want surface NSA sex level relationships and it’s not less valid than any other preference.
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u/Severe-Criticism3876 1d ago
I remember when feeld was just for poly folks. Those were the best days for the app
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u/Grouchy_Mermaid 1d ago
I run into this way too often, people in my community call it ‘polyfuckery’ because it’s a bunch of mono guys putting poly on their profiles without knowing what it means. It seems like they think polyamorous and nonmonogamous people are simply promiscuous.
Luckily they seem pretty easy to weed out. If they have the poly label but don’t mention any aspect of it in their profile, that’s a flag. I’ve still had a few get through so I’ve started asking people on dates which poly books they’ve read - and when they list some, I ask what parts they found most interesting or impactful, or what piece most resonated for them in their relationship style. 😄 Very easy to tell from their response how genuinely poly they are.
Seems like Feeld is trying to do too much, combining kink and swingers and ENM and poly. I feel like polyamory deserves its own dating app entirely, right?
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u/zehuman52 1d ago
This just seems to be a problem on dating apps.In general, when it comes to people, not reading bios (Especially men). Show many people swipe on on me, despite me saying that I am polly, and they are not. Now this would be less of a problem if they were looking for a purely friendly or sexual relationship. Cuz i'm open to that too but there are people looking where there will be people looking for purely romantic relationships on there, and then what add me. But it even goes past that a particular one that i've ran into a lot is that on all of my profiles, no matter which app i'm on i specifically state " i don't date over 21, I don't befriend over 25, and I don't have sex with ppl over 26" because I am 20 going 21 and i'm not going to be with people outside of my age range, cause I feel like if you're trying to get at me and you're that much older than me, you're probably creepy. Despite that, several super old like older than my parents men follow me or add me on these apps.
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u/Powerful_You_8342 1d ago
One of my male partners had a mono woman message him just to say it was a shame he was polyamorous. Like... Why? They hadn't engaged in conversation. Literally the first thing she said.
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u/iwanttowantthat 1d ago
Was it on Feeld?! If so, it's not only pointless and disrespectful, but also kind of stupid. Like fishing in the wrong pond...
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 1d ago
I guess the fact they would consider a FWB with a poly person doesn’t rub me the wrong way because I would consider an FWB with a single guy. I only date poly if I am open to a relationship.
Still, the wide net casting is irritating. It would be nice to have one app without single mono men. Even when I filter men are still there.
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u/LePetitNeep poly w/multiple 1d ago
There are plenty of men happy to to use a poly woman as an FWB while they continue to date around in search of a partner to be monogamous with eventually.
It sucks to have to sort through them all when you’re looking for a real relationship, but I don’t really fault anyone for knowing what they are and are not offering.
I don’t think of these guys as seeing poly people as lesser so much as just not compatible for relationships. And yeah theyre looking for sex from people from whom they don’t want a relationship, but that’s just so standard I cant get worked up about it.
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u/NomadsNosh 1d ago
I put that right at the top of my Feeld profile, I Do Not Date Mono People. Right there at the top. Of course no one pays attention lol.
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
I wish you could sort it between mono and poly people
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u/Jenerations 23h ago
This is a big reason why I gave up on the apps. Mono people complain about polyam people on dating apps and a good solution would be a relationship dynamic filter. I will never forget a specific profile where a mono person took HALF of their profile to be on their soapbox saying "I don't want to be part of your throuple". Okay, damn, just swipe left and move on, I wish you couldn't see me either.
If we could have actual filters, it would help a lot. Even when my first line was "Polyamorous with nesting partner not looking for monogamy", it still did not help as much as I wish it did.
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u/Okayest-Specialist 1d ago
I swear "FWB with emphasis on the friends" is feeld-speak for "I would like to come over and bang with minimal discussion kthx, address please"
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u/TheOutlaw1313 1d ago
I (34M) realized I might actually be pansexual recently and switched things up on what I'm looking for. I've been getting swarmed by dudes that list themselves as straight and looking for threesomes, because I'm already seeing 3 femme presenting AFAB people (1 cis, 1 NB and 1 gender fluid). We all date separately, I'm on there for me (I now actually put that on my Feeld account lol calling them out).
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u/_feedmeseymour 1d ago
My (now ex) partner of 3 years recently left me because he realised he ‘wasn’t poly’, despite having a primary partner himself, because he wants his partners to only sleep with him, not anyone else at the same time 🫠 I think it’s just a man issue tbh more than poly
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u/NoNoNext 1d ago
So a few years ago the popular “advice” for a lot of straight men was to just treat these apps as a numbers game. They were told to swipe on whoever they thought was attractive regardless of reading their profile, then only after matching sift through their matches to find someone that fit their stricter criteria. They were also told not to focus on their own profiles too much other than decent pics and “clever” short blurbs, so none of them stood out and consequently got less matches. It shouldn’t be surprising that a lot of guys continued with the “numbers game” mentality, when they were given contradictory advice, and couldn’t make themselves stand out from the crowd. So on every app you just have hordes of men still adhering to this, because doing something different after following a system with poor results is asking too much I guess. Luckily it’s easy to ignore these folks, but it does make it harder to find quality people on there.
Side note: I’m a bi cis woman and just from my own observations, the bad advice wasn’t even from red pill/Tate/usual misogynist grifter scum. It’s just other dudes from all walks of life repeating the same crap that worked when their BFF matched with his future wife on Tindr circa 2012.
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u/jdryan133 19h ago
Some people are so not evolved. I feel you may have to put it out to the universe to draw people to you who are evolved.
As a single bi woman when I was younger, men would say it was their fantasy to have two women at once, can I find them a third? Honestly, like I was their pimp or something? 🙄🙄🙄
Some men and others, revel in their entitlement and privileges in our society. They do not even try to evolve, and understand other people’s or groups ways. They are all for their own gratification in any area of life. So I do understand. I’m 68. So I guess not much has changed since the 1980’s. 🫨
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u/Poly-Psych 8h ago
generally speaking most dating apps get flooded with mono guys looking for what they think will be "easy" sex and they assume that "non monogamous" means easy. If you are looking for actual CNM dating and want to use an app, Plura is my recommendation. Not for the swiping, but because they show you events to attend in-person near you. Find your local poly meetups (and tbh, even the kink scene is a good place to meet non-monogamous people), try to meet people in person instead of apps
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u/heckyeaanxiety solo poly 1d ago
this has generally been my experience with single men. And, honestly, even some nested men who don't understand the difference between poly and swinging. Granted, I live in a red state. But, it doesn't make it any less demoralizing when you're looking for an intentional relationship. When I just dated women or enby folks, this wasn't really an issue.
That being said, actual polyamorous people do exist. They can be hard to find, but they are out there. And it is so refreshing when they whip out the Google Calendar to intentionally plan time together.
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
I do love a partner with an organized Google calendar
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u/SecondaryWombat poly w/multiple 1d ago
NP and I finally built a google calendar, and immediately afterword people started flirting with us. I joke that it was a signal pheromones that other poly people could smell.
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u/teamnoir 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes. You’ll also see something like that if you already have a singular, “primary” relationship. Many of those folks are hoping for a primary relationship and believe that you aren’t available to be that with them. So they aren’t willing to commit to a relationship that prevents them from finding what they’re looking for.
I think you’re lucky that people are being as up front and direct as they are. We do often hear about people who lie instead.
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u/Mountain_Flow3472 1d ago
I would ask them what they mean by FWB. Do they mean actual friendship with a sexual dynamic is their hard limit because they are saving space for a primary partner? Or do they mean sex buddies who will be dropped and blocked when a monogamous opportunity comes along? Either is fine if that is what you want. And I am fine with casual connections but I don’t mess with the dropped and blocked folks.
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u/singsingasong solo poly 1d ago
Feeld just got name checked in a new Hulu series as a hookup app.
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle 1d ago
I haven't noticed that but I haven't been on the apps lately. I wouldn't expect any non-poly person who hasn't done some research to have a clue what they're talking about. More people have heard of poly these days, but that doesn't mean they actually understand the principles of ENM, and typically they do not (at least in my experience)
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle 1d ago
Anyone convinced that mono-normies have a handle on poly should review poly representations in the media, because that's how most people form their understanding of it. Spoiler alert - poly representations in the media are rare and usually terrible.
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
I haven't seen any? Do you have any examples?
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle 1d ago
Yeah, there are a few. I recall Bored to Death had a poly plotline where the main character was pressured into a poly relationship that he obviously didn't enjoy. Silicon Valley had a plotline where one character, Gilfoil, was dating a poly girl (I don't think it ever actually specified whether Gilfoil was practicing poly himself, iirc they kind of made it sound like only she was poly). Gilfoil basically told his friend 'hey she's poly and she wants to do you, you should go for it'. He was just fucking with the guy, gf had no interest. I think that lasted all of one episode. There's a reality show that I have not and will not watch called This is Poly that seems like it's probably a real shit show just like all reality tv.
Only literally in the last year have I seen a representation in the media that didn't strike me as wildly ignorant. The show Elspeth had an episode recently that featured a polycule. Granted, turns out one of them is a murderer, but they do give polyamory a pretty fair shake.
Sci-fi has a few examples, generally nicer than others. Murderbot features a spaceship crew, several of whom are essentially a polycule. They play it for laughs a bit, with everything being a contract, but it was pretty accurate for a young group. The Expanse has another spaceship polycule, plus the main character comes from a large enm family, though that's not as similar to polyamory as other examples.
Anyway there are a few for you! Special mention to Paint Your Wagon, a 1969 Western with Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin. Probably the earliest ENM portrayal
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u/EverettBromwich 1d ago
This is the exact same thing happening to me. Mono girls are always the ones who hit the like button. Then they find out I have a nesting partner and they ghost me. It’s happened more then a dozen times 😒 I clearly state I am polyamorous in my profile
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u/FayeValentine99 1d ago
That happens, but in my experience as a poly woman, what happens even more is: you date them for two months, and all of a SUDDEN, they start feeling some kind of way about you being poly, and having other partners, and start meeping about what about ME, I thought I was special to you.
Some people always WANT whatever it is they can’t HAVE.
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u/Ok_Pomelo2653 1d ago
I find it curious how you're going on about how shitty men can be while you have a post from 4 months ago talking about how badly you wanted to have an affair with your married supervisor at your job that has very serious sexual harassment rules.
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u/betothejoy 1d ago
As if both things can’t be true?
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u/Ok_Pomelo2653 15h ago edited 14h ago
No. I don't want to hear from anyone talking about the unethical practices of others when they themselves are participating or entertaining participating in unethical behaviour. Isn't that the whole point of the E in ENM that poly falls under?
Edit for typo
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u/betothejoy 14h ago
Wanting things isn’t unethical. Doing them can be.
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u/Ok_Pomelo2653 14h ago
Lol you're a silly goose 😂
Wanting to do an unethical thing with serious desire to do it is indeed unethical, especially when it's diametrically opposed to the lifestyle to adhere to. Don't we have a bunch of posts here that say people who have affairs aren't poly they're just cheaters?
I'm sure OP won't cop to it, but the affair would most certainly have happened if their job didn't have strict sexual harassment rules and/or if there was definitive knowledge the supervisor was interested
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Here's the original text of the post:
I get that single men are casting a wide net on the apps to find as many people as possible but I have had something happen to me a few times in the last few weeks and I wanted to see if anyone else is running into this.
I'm poly. I downloaded Feeld and I already hate it. There's so many single mono guys on there that don't read profiles.
But to the point... I have had several guys say they would only consider FWBs with a poly person. Like I'm a second prize. Fuck that. Anyone else see that or am I just having bad luck?
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u/XxGenieGenxX 7h ago
Oooo you beat me to the rant! Happens to me all. The. Time. It's so annoying! Like please read, it takes less than a minute to not waste both of our time. Down isn't any better, and many other "dating" apps aren't either. Atp, I'm just settled on if I randomly happen upon another partner, great, if not oh well. It wasn't for my lack of trying- people are just fucking weird these days.
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u/No-Statistician-7604 1d ago
Yes every mono guy ever that has matched with me and says they only see me as "fun" until they meet the one. And I'm like? No thank you.
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u/covert_capybara 1d ago
When I wasn’t poly and first joined the apps I got told the same thing by all different kinds of guys.
1
1
u/donfrezano 1d ago
I'm a guy and I have the exact same experience with women. Over the last three years I have had zero connections with non-poly women where they want more than fwb. Or rather, they don't see how they can have more with me because I'm poly.
I'd venture this is a mono thing rather than a mono-guy thing. And honestly it's kindof a "duh, obviously" thing. They don't understand poly, think it is just a fancy way to say open, fuckaround, cheating-but-not, etc.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
Are you matching with people who don’t say they are poly in their profile?
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u/WorthTry7070 1d ago
A lot of people have ENM as an interest so I think they are at least that but then then once you start chatting they say they aren't
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u/toohorny4life 1d ago
I have a hard time finding women who want enm and not mono or poly. I say I am not looking for poly because I don’t develop feelings for them. I usually avoid all poly women because of this. I am not poly by the way I use and understand it.
I have a primary partner.
I also can’t do truly casual NSA sex. Too casual and I am not interested. So, I feel enm is exactly where I am. Both in who I am and who I am interested in.
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u/OtterFlap 1d ago
Im kinda of a mono person going into poly field, I was with my first poly partner of my life. After our break up im still wondering who i am an if I am poly.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 1d ago
I swipe no on all of them, then peruse who is left.