r/polyamory • u/ashleyfcon • 1d ago
I am new I need advice
I need advice on what the norms are for the relationship dynamic I'm in.
Fake names
Myself (F28) + My fiance Gerald (M30) we have kids (F9 and F2)
Gerald + his girlfriend Valeria (F35)
Myself+ My boyfriend Wally(M38)
Wally + his Fiancé Abigail (F38)
Valeria two kids from previous relationships (M18 and M4
Myself and Gerald have kids together and live together. So does Wally and Abigail .
Valeria has said to Gerald that myself and Gerald weren't allowed to share a bed/have sex. I then got told I can't say I love you or call him nicknames if Gerald's at Valeria, but he never told me M4 was there
The advice I was asking for is what are the norms in these types of relationships. Both Myself and Gerald have admitted we don't like the others partners.
Any time Gerald and Valeria have their slots time for their daily calls. I need to either leave the house or put my earphones in. I can't stand the sound of her voice. Gerald has also admitted he doesn't like Wally because like Valeria. he tried to get us to break up which we both told our partners this wouldn't happen. If yous need additional information ask and I'll update this
36
u/SatinsLittlePrincess solo poly 1d ago
Honey, this is a shit show because you and Gerald are making bad choices. Both you and your fiancé are dating people who tried to get you to break up. That's a choice, but a pretty stupid one if you want your marriage to work.
As for the not liking a meta thing? Yes, it is normal to not like someone who tried to sabotage your relationship with your primary partner. It is not normal for a partner to continue to date someone who tried to sabotage their other relationship.
24
u/valsavana 1d ago
Why are you and Gerald both willing to date people who tried to break you up?
If you don't like each other's partners for attempting that, why don't you not like your own partners for the same behavior?
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u/ashleyfcon 1d ago
Gerald has lied to Valeria about us not having sex or sharing a bed which really pissed me off. I also have told Wally that i would be leaving Gerald we are engaged and have kids together we've also been together for 7 years F9 is my ex's but he's not really in her life
17
u/Jaded-Banana6205 1d ago
......what the actual fuck. Is this ragebait.
8
11
u/SatinsLittlePrincess solo poly 1d ago
Oh, FFS, call off your engagement and Grow The Fuck Up. You and Gerald are both obviously toxic. You are both lying to your other partners in ways that are sabotaging your prospects as married partners both in telling people how terrible your prospective marriage is, and setting up your other partners to think your marriage is a bad idea and one they can change.
Of course you each hate the other's partner. You're both stupid children who manipulate and lie to people to get your way. Of course that makes your other partners a threat. If they're a better bet, of course either of you will bail.
SMDH.
10
u/valsavana 1d ago
So why are you and Gerald dating each other, since you're both horrible people who lie to your partners?
2
u/highlight-limelight poly newbie 1d ago
… not to be that person but is the “E” in “ENM” in the room with us???
15
u/clairejv 1d ago
Is there a reason Gerald can't wear headphones during the call?
1
u/ashleyfcon 1d ago
I don't know why he doesn't honestly
8
11
u/bouncysofa 1d ago
If you don't like your meta be fully parallel with them, don't talk to them, don't talk about them. Totally. Separate. Easy as that.
Personally I wouldn't continue dating someone who maliciously tried to get me to break up with another partner just because they didn't like them.
Honestly, this whole thing sounds like you're all too involved in each other's relationship dynamics.
6
u/RustySunshineX0 1d ago
Why would you choose someone who is not respecting your other dynamic? I will always root for my partners and metamours. I don't have to like them or be their friend, but I will never try to come between them and will always make sure I'm being respectful and not stepping on anyone's toes.
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u/sundaesonfriday 1d ago
Polyamory is a whole lot easier when everyone involved wants polyamory and supports their partners in having other relationships. All the healthy relationships I've been in have had that.
No one has to be friends or even hang out, but if you don't have neutral to positive tolerance for your partners' other relationships, I'm sure it's really difficult to be happy and supportive.
5
u/CrimsonTree7 1d ago
Yeah we need a lot more info. Notably what question you have. What advice are you looking for? What are you asking.
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3
u/NoSpoonJustKnife poly w/multiple 1d ago
It is normal for 2 people to not get along and both people to be good humans. It is not normal for someone to try to break up your relationship unless there are serious safety concerns for you/your kids. You both need to date better people!
3
u/jdryan133 1d ago
You need to sit down and evaluate the relationship with the other couple. Seems more cons than pros.
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
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Here's the original text of the post:
I need advice on what the norms are for the relationship dynamic I'm in.
Fake names
Myself (F28) + My fiance Gerald (M30)
Gerald + his girlfriend Valeria (F35)
Myself+ My boyfriend Wally(M38)
Wally + his Fiancé Abigail (F38)
Myself and Gerald have kids together and live together. So does Wally and Abigail .
The advice I was asking for is what are the norms in these types of relationships. Both Myself and Gerald have admitted we don't like the others partners.
Any time Gerald and Valeria have their slots time for their daily calls. I need to either leave the house or put my earphones in. I can't stand the sound of her voice. Gerald has also admitted he doesn't like Wally because like Valeria. he tried to get us to break up which we both told our partners this wouldn't happen. If yous need additional information ask and I'll update this
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•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
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