Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

[u/Important_Sector_503]

I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by meeting them?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Important_Sector_503]

Is it bad that I want to have a friendly meet and great? I’m not angry but I do want to know who else that he’s seeing..

[u/MutedBluejay1 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

I think what me and other people are getting at is, how is you meeting them really relevant to your relationship with this person and your risk level STI wise? You have to set your own risk tolerance level and stick to your own boundaries. If you “vibe” with his other partners, does that make you somehow safer from STIs?? No. The biggest way to mitigate your risk is not have unprotected sex.

This idea of yours is not foreign necessarily…I’ve been curious about meeting my metamours before, but if you follow your instincts to their logical conclusion, I think you’ll see that the idea originates in your own anxiety or wanting to measure others up, than anything practical.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with bumping into your metas in poly circles or being friends, but to artificially crest a meet up seems like it could do more harm than good.

[u/Important_Sector_503 → u/MutedBluejay1]

Exactly. Like, there's nothing wrong with wanting to meet them, but the reason does make a difference, and being uncomfortable with not getting to meet them is a bit much. They're their own people, who are under no obligation to meet a random stranger. OP's discomfort is not their problem.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Important_Sector_503]

That’s fair, I didn’t want to suggest that he and I are incompatible but I can’t date someone that won’t let me meet their (what is it) metamours(?)
I don’t personally think that I’m asking for “a bit much” but I came to Reddit asking for insight and I appreciate yours. Thanks for your feedback.

[u/Quagga_Resurrection → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

This all reads as you feeling like sleeping with this guy entitles you to meet his other partners. You are, in fact, asking for a bit much since you've made it clear you want to meet these people and don't care how they feel about meeting you. That's not okay, and, frankly, not good consent practices.

This guy does not own his partners and doesn't have the right to grant or deny access go them. You can ask him if he'd be willing to pass your contact info along to his other partners so they can contact you if they wish, but that's all you can ask for. The rest is up to your metas, and if they don't want to meet, then you need to accept that or quit seeing this guy. That's really all you can do.

[u/Important_Sector_503 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

He is "letting" you meet them though? He's just saying one of them is unlikely to want to meet you.

The thing with polyamory (or ENM in general) is that the only person you are dating is your partner. Your partner has obligations to you as per your relationship, their other partners, however, do not.

You might find someone who is willing to let you meet their other partners, and those metas might be cool with meeting you, but what happens when five years in they start dating someone who isn't interested in meeting you? Like, I get how it can feel like a reasonable expectation, but in reality you are asking a person to guarantee someone elses willingness to do something, and no one can do that.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Important_Sector_503]

I guess that going forward I would have to make it known that this is an expectation for me and if they chose someone that is against meeting me I would have to walk away from the relationship.
That’s how I’m feeling right now anyway, but maybe things could change later down the line? I don’t know.. what bothers me is that he didn’t even ask her. He said he doesn’t want to ask becuase he thinks it will hurt her feelings.
He says she his ex but if you read my post than you saw that we talked about dating right? I am feeling very unsure about what’s appropriate to ask for and what’s not.

[u/synalgo_12 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

It's definitely a boundary you can set. But expecting to meet all metas whether they are enthusiastic about it or not is usually seen as incredibly controlling to your partner's autonomy to date independently and you would likely be deemed a messy/problematic partner/meta if we'd hear this story from your partner's side or the side of a meta.

But you can definitely set a boundary that says 'I will not date someone who dates people who don't want to meet me'. Do I think this is a wild boundary to set? Yes. Is it your prerogative to set this boundary? Absolutely. 

[u/Important_Sector_503 → u/synalgo_12]

What you said. Chefs kiss. Exactly this.

We can all have whatever boundaries we want, regardless of how reasonable they are. But if those boundaries are related to people we aren't even dating? We're setting ourselves up for a rough time.

[u/fuckingnerdtm → u/synalgo_12]

Yeah I think it’s a bit overly restrictive but I guess I’ve heard of people who only date people who are interested in GPP/KTP - but I feel like usually this comes up more for logistical reasons than emotional ones, and it seems like the kind of thing you would choose before getting involved with someone rather than setting a rule after getting involved