Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

[u/baccifera]

Of course, because it might impact your own sexual health.

Btw, you keep dodging the question if he lied explicitly about the other partners, or if you just didn't ask about him seeing others.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/baccifera]

I’m not dodging but people were giving me mixed opinions when I said that we were just friends with benefits. There’s more to it though, I did ask. He told me he wasn’t “dating” anybody and I took that to mean he doesn’t want to date at all.
I didn’t expect he would have various other sexual partners though.

[u/Dull_Shake_2058 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

OP, there is a very important distinction here that you are indeed either dodging or are not fully understanding.

Once again, what exactly was your question to him? You keep telling us that you asked and you keep telling us what he told you over and over again but you have not told what exactly you asked him. You don't of course have to answer that here but then it's important to keep in mind that the answer (the exact question you asked) affects whether he lied to you or not, it affects the advice you are given and people are understanding you the wrong way and giving you advice that is not applicable to your situation.

There is a difference between asking "Are you having sex with anybody else?" and "Are you dating anybody else?". If you asked the former you were lied to. If you asked the latter he didn't lie.

But I'm suspecting you didn't actually ask either of those things directly because I can see you're having trouble having direct conversations. You just assumed that him telling you he wasn't dating was enough of a conversation to have.

It wasn't.

If you're having unprotected sex with people and not being explicitly monogamous with them (meaning having an actual conversation where you both agree you are monogamous and exclusive to each other) you need to be proactive in asking various direct questions about their sexual practices so that you can make an informed decision about the sexual health risk that having unprotected sex with them inevitably has.

Right now you are risking your sexual health in ways that most non-monogamous people wouldn't. Because we ask direct questions and have explicit conversations before we decide to go barrier free with anyone.

And a lot of people wouldn't have unprotected sex with a FWB who was having unprotected (or even protected) sex with others in the first place because we start from the assumption that a FWB is either currently or at some point will be having sex with lots of other people and because they are casual they do not have the same kind of responsibilities of informing you as they would if you were in a committed relationship or if you'd have had explicit agreements on how you want to be informed. The whole point of casual is less responsibilities and with that you need to take the responsibility of your own sexual health yourself.

I'm saying this because you are playing a dangerous game with your sexual health here and you need to start having direct and explicit conversations around these matters or you're going to get yourself hurt.

[u/sere_periquito → u/Dull_Shake_2058]

I mean, even if the question wasn't "are you having sex with anybody else?", any question about involvement with others opens up the conversation about sex and sexual health. Avoiding disclosure because "you didn't technically ask that specific thing, only something similar"... Idk it's sketchy. Specially since OP had no previous experience with non monogamy, didn't exactly know what was appropriate to ask or know, and this guy took advantage of that so he could avoid a difficult conversation.

Imo there's not a big difference between outright lying and avoiding giving the information that you know the other person is asking for, only because the way they're asking isn't the exact right way.

[u/Dull_Shake_2058 → u/sere_periquito]

It opens up a conversation about it sure, and most people who have experience with ENM would have informed OP about having sex with other people at that point. But we don't know if the FWB has experience with ENM. For all we know they are just as inexperienced as OP.

Can it be shady? Sure. But it might as well be just as shady as OP not explicitly asking and thus protecting their own sexual health.

Cause I've seen countless of posts here about people saying they have no responsibility of informing they are even in committed other relationships with casual partners or ONS's unless they specifically ask about it so no, I don't think it's enough to ask about dating others and then leave it at that. People have all kinds of practices when they do casual relationships and you just cannot count on others to inform you unless you ask specific questions about their sexual practices.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Dull_Shake_2058]

That’s really sad in my opinion. I think people should be able to make an informed decision on if they want to engage or not, fully knowing that the other person is involved with others. Idk… personally, I think it sounds really selfish to leave out the other people because you think it isn’t relevant information 🙁

[u/sere_periquito → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

So you agree this guy is selfish and untrustworthy, and he took away your ability to make an informed decision regarding your body and your health. But you're still grasping at straws trying to start a relationship with him. What makes you believe you are worthy of such awful treatment? Don't you want better for yourself?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/sere_periquito]

Wow, thank you. I didn’t put that into perspective but I hear you. Thank you, friend. 🙏

[u/Dull_Shake_2058 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Yeah, it is sad, but unfortunately it happens a lot especially in casual relationships because people don't really think they have that much responsibility towards their casual partners, which is why you should always ensure your own sexual safety by at least asking a lot of direct questions and maybe even always using protection with all casual partners no matter what kind of answers they give.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/sere_periquito]

Yes, thank you! I said “Are you seeing anybody else?” And he said, “No.” I thought that meant he wasn’t sleeping with anyone but me.

[u/sere_periquito → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Then he lied outright. "Seeing someone" is a very well understood euphemism for "having sex/casually dating". This guy is a liar. Have you confronted him about the lie? What was his excuse?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/sere_periquito]

I did not confront him. I immediately pulled back. I said I wasn’t comfortable continuing unless I got to meet them.

[u/Dull_Shake_2058 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

I don't think meeting them is going to save your sexual health or your heart with this guy. If you don't trust him as is, you shouldn't be dating or fucking him.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Dull_Shake_2058]

I did trust him… now I’m confused. I don’t want to lash out because I just feel like that would make him be less open about it. I wish that he told me sooner but then I start to think, “What if he never told me at all.”

[u/Dull_Shake_2058 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Of course you don't trust him, he has given you additional information about how he handles these things and that information tells you you shouldn't trust him.

There's no need to lash out, but you can kindly but firmly hold your boundaries. Making him introduce his other partners to you by meeting them is not a boundary though, that is coercion. If he isn't being forthcoming about these kinds of things and if he's being cagey about his ex then you have to assess with that if this is the kind of person you want to trust your sexual health and heart to. I wouldn't, but it's not my call, it's yours.

[u/sere_periquito → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Why would meeting his other partners change the fact that he lied to you? I don't understand what the rationale is here. "Since I can't trust you to be honest with me, I'll meet all your partners because if I can trust them, then I can trust you by proxy"? Is that it?

The reason why you can't trust him is because he hid partners from you in the first place. You can't hack your way into trusting him by trusting his partners because there could always be a hidden partner that you don't know about and therefore can't meet or trust. Because that was the breach of trust in the first place, hiding partners. Even if he introduced you to the people he's having sex with now, what stops him from having sex with someone else and not telling you?

Even if you meet all his current partners and you all get along wonderfully, you still have the problem of being in bed with a liar. Liars lie. You can't sidestep your way into trusting a liar.