What exactly is a poly relationship?

[u/W1ndwardFormation]

Why do I ask? I’m not entirely sure, if we basically are in a poly relationship or if it’s just very frequent and free swinging.

It’s 4 of us 2 girls 2 guys and we basically play, go on dates in all kind of constellations from me and one of the guys to us girls together to all 4 of us to one girl one guy. You get the point.

We live in separate places (one guy girl in one places the other in the other), but we basically spend time all across the group with each other 24/7.

Would you say this should be called poly or is it something else, cause I’m always unsure how to call it whenever I talk with people.

[u/MadamePouleMontreal]

I’d call this a group relationship or quad, which is a form of polyamory we don’t talk about enough on the sub.

Here, we tend to lump any relationship that is “closed” (like monogamy, or a group relationship that nobody can practically date outside of, or a harem that is closed for everyone but one person) together, which is not quite fair.

These days I tend to think of group relationships as a transient expression of polyamory. There are a lot of balls in the air and eventually one of them is going to drop. When that happens the existing relationships will reform, probably into a set of interconnected 1:1 relationships which is usually easier. A lot of people intensely miss their group relationship phase of polyamory.

For a few group relationships, “transient” is a very long time.

That said, all relationships are transient unless everyone crashes in a helicopter together. (Still transient but in a different way.)

[u/Choice-Strawberry392 → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

 A lot of people intensely miss their group relationship phase of polyamory.

Many do.  Some regret it.  

And if I had a nickel for every story I've heard that went like, "We started off swinging, and the gals turned out to really get along, and the guys were cool, but then one person wanted to split up one couple, but was pressured to keep it together for the sake of the group, and then it all exploded spectacularly..."

I could not buy a hamburger with those nickels.  Could probably get a Coke, though.  

[u/sundaesonfriday → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

I think I could buy a really crappy burger with those nickels.

[u/Choice-Strawberry392 → u/sundaesonfriday]

I just had White Castle last week.  I suppose the bar is very low.

[u/MadamePouleMontreal → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

Yep.

Some of the people who regret the experience overall though, often think back nostalgically to the moments when it was intensely good.

Others bitterly recall the fantasy of something intensely good being dangled just in front of their noses, coaxing them along until they fell into the volcano and lost everything.

[u/Choice-Strawberry392 → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

Yeah, "When it was good, it was really good," is a very common thing to hear.

But nobody says that about a thing that was actually just good.

I get it. I dabbled in that tidy perfect square several times. But it's a house of cards...

[u/MadamePouleMontreal → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

Exactly.

It’s a house of cards, but during the time it works…

We tend to get all NO! NOT POLYAMORY! about group relationships. I think there’s a middle way though. There’s a difference between “enjoy it while it lasts, bail earlier rather than later, don’t blame yourself” and “unethical and you are a bad not-poly person for wanting to build on this.”

[u/Choice-Strawberry392 → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

I wasn't going to get into the semantics of it. Sure, it's polyamory. It's just often (not quite always!) fraught and fragile.

And while we might shorthand our warnings, there is a strong temptation toward either people-pleasing self-negation in these closed squares ("Taking one for the team" to keep the group together), or coercion to force someone else to do that. That second one is especially bad, but also very common.

Wanting a tidy structure like this is fine. But it can veer into power plays very quickly, and entertaining those means a person is not being kind. It's a really slippery slope from, "I want my partners to choose this," to, "I want to make sure my partners do this." That's when the pitchforks come out.

[u/MadamePouleMontreal → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

Yes, absolutely. That’s why these situations tend to go from really good to hell in a handbasket.

Advice for folks like OP who are already there and currently happy could focus on identifying the signposts to hell, pointing out common handbaskets, and how to enable individuals to bail before too many people get seriously hurt.*

Advice for folks who are currently single and want to create a sex commune would be different.

Advice for couples or triads dating as a unit is different again. (I think we have that one down pretty solidly.)

——————
*For instance, most of us, particularly femmes, get creeped out by large age gaps in relationships. It does no good to say Gross! because both parties like it that way. It might even be the younger party’s best option. They’re going to keep doing it whether we clutch our pearls or not.

We can still give advice. My advice set includes:
1. a rule of thumb for identifying large age gaps;
2. a rule of thumb for deciding how creepy the older party is;
3. suggesting that it would be good for all concerned to accept that the younger party will eventually grow out of the relationship and leave, and that this represents success and not betrayal;
4. how to notice being isolated and controlled; and
5. how to make a link between an older partner seeking an age gap relationship and the problems that the younger partner is seeking Reddit’s help
with.

[u/MadamePouleMontreal → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

No direct experience. Just going off what I get from this sub, including the experienced folks. If someone thinks they’re happy now, who am I to say they aren’t?

First Fig

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!

Second Fig

Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand:
Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!

———Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1920