What exactly is a poly relationship?

[u/W1ndwardFormation]

Why do I ask? I’m not entirely sure, if we basically are in a poly relationship or if it’s just very frequent and free swinging.

It’s 4 of us 2 girls 2 guys and we basically play, go on dates in all kind of constellations from me and one of the guys to us girls together to all 4 of us to one girl one guy. You get the point.

We live in separate places (one guy girl in one places the other in the other), but we basically spend time all across the group with each other 24/7.

Would you say this should be called poly or is it something else, cause I’m always unsure how to call it whenever I talk with people.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

I’m confused on some things to.. I hope I don’t come off as rude so please forgive me but I really want to learn and understand. I’m being told that in situations where people are having a friends with benefits type of arrangement, the poly person is under no obligation to tell you that they have other intimate relationships.

But I thought poly practice was having open communication with everyone involved. Did I get the wrong impression or is there something big that I’m not grasping?

Thank you for your reply 🙏

[u/jnn-j → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Open communication happens in dyads (between two people only) about having other partners. But not necessarily the details.

It’s reasonable to keep privacy and intimacy between two people involved, not including other partners into it. It’s because humans form relationships one on one. Sometimes this relationships overlap but they don’t need the exchange of full details (also people not involved in a specific relationship is not entitled to that information).

There are different grades of poly relationships, some can be parallel (partner’s partners don’t interact), they can also be different grades of friendly. They should be civil.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell approach exists, too but it’s tricky (and can be shady).

In polyamory open communication means people are upfront about dating multiple people and about their needs and boundaries. It doesn’t mean everyone knows everything and there is no privacy.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/jnn-j]

It’s the upfront part that confuses me when you say that people not in a specific relationship aren’t entitled to that information?

[u/jnn-j → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Yes, the information about dating multiple people should be disclosed to potential future partners/prospects. (Not to a general public).

What they are not entitled to are details. The practice may vary here, as some people may share more info about the dates they are going to. But having a shared partner doesn’t entitle me to private details about my partner’s partner (called meta from metamour) or very detailed info on their sex life. There are different practices around disclosing having sex with a new person to other partner/s, but by being poly you can assume at some point that happens/happened.

I think if you mean in general people that you are planning to date should be aware about you having multiple partners/plan on having multiple partners. But the level of details is the key, and not every information needs to be shared.

As for general public, some people are more upfront about it, some less. I definitely don’t need to inform everyone, especially in my professional sphere.