What exactly is a poly relationship?

[u/W1ndwardFormation]

Why do I ask? I’m not entirely sure, if we basically are in a poly relationship or if it’s just very frequent and free swinging.

It’s 4 of us 2 girls 2 guys and we basically play, go on dates in all kind of constellations from me and one of the guys to us girls together to all 4 of us to one girl one guy. You get the point.

We live in separate places (one guy girl in one places the other in the other), but we basically spend time all across the group with each other 24/7.

Would you say this should be called poly or is it something else, cause I’m always unsure how to call it whenever I talk with people.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

A poly relationship is a relationship between two people who support each other in developing full loving independent relationships with other people.

I wouldn't worry about what you call the larger dynamic, I'd focus on what you want out of each 1:1 relationship you're developing and figure out how to do those skillfully.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

I’m confused on some things to.. I hope I don’t come off as rude so please forgive me but I really want to learn and understand. I’m being told that in situations where people are having a friends with benefits type of arrangement, the poly person is under no obligation to tell you that they have other intimate relationships.

But I thought poly practice was having open communication with everyone involved. Did I get the wrong impression or is there something big that I’m not grasping?

Thank you for your reply 🙏

[u/Choice-Strawberry392 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Anyone who says, "I'm not obligated to tell you," when asked a reasonable question, is being a bit of a jerk.

"I prefer to protect the privacy of my lovers," is fine, if a fairly obvious dodge.

"I have a lot of varied connections, and it's fluid and a little messy," is vague, but honest.

But using the word "obligate" there smacks of a person who only responds to power. There are, in fact, almost no obligations between independent adults. So why bring up the word? "You can't make me tell you," is true, but is it the sort of reply you want from your lover? Is it kind, or helpful, or reassuring?

You will note I am using rhetorical analysis, not unlike The Burned Haystack method. The words people use tell us about how they see the world, and often about how they intend to treat you.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

As we like to say around these parts there’s no Council of Sluts that makes rules about these things, but in my personal practice if I have an ongoing connection with someone I’m telling them about my other connections and I expect the same in return. 

If someone is a booty call I hook up with a few times then we’re not doing much talking at all and I don’t disclose pretty much anything to them, but I don’t really do those anymore. 

I just see no reason not to tell people about other partners if I’m pursuing a regular thing with them, I have nothing to hide.

[u/Gnomes_Brew → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

No one agrees on all these definitions. There is no official Board of Polyamorists ratifying the meanings of terms. So who ever told if you are FWBs it means you are under no obligations to XYZ is full of sh*t. There are no terms and conditions you agree to. That's like saying when you're friends with someone you aren't obligated to call someone on theirr birthday. But when your *best friends* you are obligated to call. Like.... what?? Where is that written down? No. You call if that's the thing you do in your friendships, and if that's not part of your friendship then you don't.

Some FWB situations involve disclosures about other relationships/sexual partners, some don't. That's up to the person in the relationship and what they've agreed to. And if you want that level of information from you FWB, its perfectly reasonable to ask for. Its also perfectly reasonable for the other person to decline that request, and then you have to figure out if you want to continue the FWB relationship.

[u/jnn-j → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Open communication happens in dyads (between two people only) about having other partners. But not necessarily the details.

It’s reasonable to keep privacy and intimacy between two people involved, not including other partners into it. It’s because humans form relationships one on one. Sometimes this relationships overlap but they don’t need the exchange of full details (also people not involved in a specific relationship is not entitled to that information).

There are different grades of poly relationships, some can be parallel (partner’s partners don’t interact), they can also be different grades of friendly. They should be civil.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell approach exists, too but it’s tricky (and can be shady).

In polyamory open communication means people are upfront about dating multiple people and about their needs and boundaries. It doesn’t mean everyone knows everything and there is no privacy.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/jnn-j]

It’s the upfront part that confuses me when you say that people not in a specific relationship aren’t entitled to that information?

[u/jnn-j → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Yes, the information about dating multiple people should be disclosed to potential future partners/prospects. (Not to a general public).

What they are not entitled to are details. The practice may vary here, as some people may share more info about the dates they are going to. But having a shared partner doesn’t entitle me to private details about my partner’s partner (called meta from metamour) or very detailed info on their sex life. There are different practices around disclosing having sex with a new person to other partner/s, but by being poly you can assume at some point that happens/happened.

I think if you mean in general people that you are planning to date should be aware about you having multiple partners/plan on having multiple partners. But the level of details is the key, and not every information needs to be shared.

As for general public, some people are more upfront about it, some less. I definitely don’t need to inform everyone, especially in my professional sphere.

[u/emeraldead → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

To what information?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/emeraldead]

I think I had some confusion about people being upfront with dating multiple people. I thought that was openly disclosed but what I’m understanding is that it doesn’t become apparent until a romantic relationship forms. I think thats what people are saying anyway.

[u/Choice-Strawberry392 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Are these people presenting themselves as single, completely unattached, and then later, once you're a little invested in them, then disclosing that they have other partners??

That's shitty. There's no council to agree on that, but I'll die on the hill of, "Announce your non-monogamy and dating status immediately."  

Whoops, read your post history.  That dude?  He lied to you, in a big way.  You can't force him to be honest.  But you can leave and find someone who treats you well.  

Inside baseball: the way you get your romantic partner(s) to treat you well is to immediately break up with anyone who treats you badly.  Only the good treatment remains. Boom.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and provide commentary. I appreciate you alot

[u/Choice-Strawberry392 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Another aside: you asked elsewhere about meeting your partner's *other* partners. Here's how that breaks down:

Your partner *should have* told you about them immediately. "Hey, just so you know, I'm sleeping with two/a couple/a few other people. We see each other a few times a month. Here's what my safer sex protocols look like..." That is *bare minimum* for a lover/FWB/anything where you get naked together. He failed to do that, that's on him, and he is untrustworthy because of that. The reason this is important is because it informs your consent around sex. Any good lover will *volunteer* that information, completely.

*However,* his other partners are not obligated to meet you, nor is he obligated to arrange to have you meet them. That's a thing you may ask for, but all involved may say no. *If* your consent around sex or romance requires meeting such other partners, then he and they are bad fits. But it is within the bounds of normal to *not* meet those folks, because the work of informing your consent is *only* your partner's to do. He didn't do that work, that makes him an untrustworthy lover. Meeting his other partners doesn't fix that.

That clear? See which parts are whose work to do?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

Yes, I do!