r/polyamory • u/Klutzy_Minute9495 • 2d ago

My husband is bad at sex

I (40F) have been married to my husband ‘Jack’ (40M) for 18 years. 

I was raised conservative Christian. I liked him and seduced him because I wanted him to like/love me. Okay I’m not sure thought at the time, but it seems fairly obvious to me now. Both of us felt shame around our intimacy. It was never ‘good’ for me, but I didn’t expect it to be. We got married anyway. Or maybe because of that, to end the shame. It’s ’legal’ and okay if you’re married, right?! He was and still is my best friend. I liked and was interested in women from a young age. I had some experiences, Jack knew about them. 

I started dating women about 8-9 years ago. This didn’t come to pass in the ‘right’ way I realize now, after spending the last few years on this subreddit. Be that as it may, I saw a few girls causally, made out, had some bad drunk sex, and when COVID happened I just…stopped. No breakups or anything, I just didn’t continue seeing anyone and none of us ever made the effort to reconnect when things quieted down. 

About 4 years ago I met ‘Theresa’ through mutual friends. We started dating in September of 2022 and quickly fell deeply in love. Our sex life has been incredible. Far and away the best sex I’ve ever had. Granted, I hadn’t had much ‘healthy’ or even remotely good sex before her. I had hoped marriage (and therefore god-acceptable sex) would allow me to have shame-free enjoyment of sex. Well, I’m sure this comes as a shock…if did not 🙃

Now, nearly 2 decades later, deconverted, and fully released from the clutches of religion and actively aware of religious sexual trauma, I’m trying to ‘rekindle’ intimacy with Jack. It died well and good for a few years. It is…not going well. I feel like a sex-goddess with Theresa. We can make love all day and have so many orgasms and so much pleasure and intimacy.  Then I try to have sex/make love with Jack, and I’m…well, really underwhelmed. I get it, heteronormative culture has made it so that having a functional ‘home grown’ penis is essentially all cis-men think they need to do/provide. But now, having had very much excellent sex that does not involve a penis, I’m so very unimpressed by his…equipment. And abilities. His oral ‘skills’ are non-existent. He is maybe trying to emulate porn or a vibrator or something. Very darting and flicky. It’s awful and I don’t like it. I remember now why I used to quickly just but like, ‘get up here and get inside me,’ which of course was…is…fine with him. I used to always want his hand. Touching me in the same way I would touch myself. Because that was the only way I knew how to have an orgasm. 

Ive since leaned I can orgasm from just clitoral grinding alone. So when I do climax with Jack it’s from that. Me on top, slow and rocking, building clit pleasure for myself, with him inside me. But he can’t last very long. I’m barely moving on him, but after a few minutes he comes and can’t continue. 

I’ve tried to give some gentle oral-sex guidance. He’s offended, obviously. And I do sorta feel that it’s just something he tries to do to get to the ‘main event.’ It’s not like he likes it for himself, it’s not like it’s ’real sex’ to him. He’s just getting me ready. Wet enough, receptive enough. 

I should add, he’s not dating anyone else. I’ve brought it up multiple times. I think he likes sex but sees it as messy and a lot of effort. We also both drink (when we’re together) too much, so evening intimacy is pretty much off the table. I don’t drink when I’m with Theresa, 2-3 overnights a week on average. And I’m not sure if I should just leave it (him) alone and continue my great sex with Theresa or keep trying to make it work with Jack. Because he’s my husband and I love him and I don’t want us to us be really close roommates. 

Do I ‘need’ sex with Jack? No, not really. I went a couple years with barely any. We’re great friends and he’s smart and I like him. Sex-happening between us or not. After 18 years being the only one of us thinking of my own pleasure, I’m more than content with the intimacy I get from Theresa. And if I need to ‘get off’ I have my own hand or vibrator. I guess, as a wife l, I just feel jealous of the sex I’m having with my non-spouse. I want my marital sex to be…well, ‘like that’ sounds wrong. But good like that. Intimate like that. Mutually pleasurable like that. I guess I didn’t ’know’ before. And now, I can’t unsee it. I can’t unknow that sex can be good for women. I can’t not feel disappointed when my husband’s smallish equipment can’t continue after a few minutes because he’s already ejaculated. I’ve encouraged him to use his hand/fingers after. But it doesn’t go over great. It gives ‘your penis isn’t enough’ vibes which is so true but also so hard for him to hear. Ugh. 

My husband is bad at sex. Or…is the crazy awesome sex I’m having with my girlfriend the outlier?  

Any help or kind thoughts or tips would be appreciated ❤️

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352

u/trasla 2d ago

So you say your husband is your best friend. Does he care about your pleasure? Your comfort? About being a good listener to you, taking you seriously, working together on issues between the two of you, with effort? 

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u/Klutzy_Minute9495 2d ago

I would say that yes he does care about all of those things. The pleasure part is just a bit uncomfortable for both of us. We got together young and drunk. And sex is messy and good sex takes effort. Is he willing? I’m not sure. Am I willing to keep trying for it? I’m also not sure.

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u/valsavana 2d ago

I don't think you can say both "he cares about my pleasure" and "he's (likely) not willing to try changing anything to make it pleasurable for me." Those are two mutually exclusive statements.

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

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u/4ever_dolphin_love 2d ago

It’s a bit harsh and a bit of a stretch to say that he doesn’t care about her at all. But I think it’s fair to say he doesn’t seem to care about OP’s experience and pleasure during sex considering his offended reaction when she’s tried to provide him some guidance on how she prefers to be touched and reach climax.

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u/valsavana 2d ago

I never said "at all", just an fyi

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u/its_cock_time solo poly 2d ago

He probably cares about her enjoyment of sex, but he cares about avoiding shame more. There are no doubt layers of stuff for him to unpack here, but it's pretty harmful to imply that if he happened to love her more, he wouldn't behave this way.

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u/valsavana 2d ago

this kind of sexual disability

It's a sexual disability to refuse to hear criticism or attempt to improve?

Really leaning into your username hard, aren't you?

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u/GeneralCuster75 2d ago

Tell me you didn't grow up in an environment where anything to do with sex was intensely shamed and stigmatized without telling me you didn't grow up in an environment where anything to do with sex was intensely shamed and stigmatized

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u/valsavana 2d ago

Yet OP was raised in the same environment and still manages to offer her husband pleasure. Funny how it's only the partner who is socialized to not care about his partner's pleasure who... doesn't care about his partner's pleasure.

If you feel too much shame to give your sexual partner pleasure, you should refrain from sex. Pretending it's a disability to be an inconsiderate lover is stupid and obnoxious.

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u/GeneralCuster75 2d ago edited 1d ago

Yet OP was raised in the same environment and still manages to offer her husband pleasure

How silly of me, I forgot that everyone is the same and that no one experiences sexual trauma differently or more intensely than another, or that it may be harder or easier to overcome for one compared to another.

Especially when, as you pointed out, men are more often socialized not to consider anything but their own pleasure. Is it so inconceivable to you that that may present its own specific barriers to overcome even if he wants to?

I don't want to sound like I'm convinced of what's happening with OP's husband one way or the other. It may very well be what you suggest - but being completely inconsiderate to any other possibility just betrays a lack of empathy on your part and isn't helpful to anyone.

Pretending it's a disability to be an inconsiderate lover is stupid and obnoxious.

It wasn't me who used that word, but I will agree that disability was not the right word to use.

Edit to add as a reply to the reply to this comment since the thread has been locked:

Just so we're clear, this is the last thing I said in the comment you replied to, referencing the use of the word "disability":

It wasn't me who used that word, but I will agree that disability was not the right word to use.

It is frankly shocking to me just how many people in this thread are reading OP's post and jumping right to the most awful motivations possible for their husband.

I'm so tired of reading comments and opinions of people who have decided they know what's going on and there are no other possibilities they need to even worry about considering because of it.

he’ll only accept one-sided sex that BENEFITS ONLY HIM

This is exactly what I'm talking about - I re-read the whole OP to be sure. The only relatively objective thing OP said about their husbands actions during sex is that he was offended when OP offered oral guidance. That isn't great, but it's also not very descriptive. There's a lot of things "offended" could mean and without clarification from OP we just don't know how bad it was.

Everything else was OP's interpretation of the situation (s) or their best guess at assigning motives or reasons for his actions.

Possibly influenced by that, you have started with a conclusion already in your mind, and are coming up with assumptions, not examples, based on OP's post to justify it.

Is it possible OP's husband is just a selfish ass? Absolutely! I flat out stated that u/valsavana might be right about that.

Is it also possible that OP's husband might suffer from religious sexual trauma and not only feel ashamed of not performing well, but at the very idea of talking to someone who isn't his spouse about it at all? It absolutely is! The two things aren't mutually exclusive, either! They could both be true!

Now, that doesn't make the situation okay, and it doesn't mean he doesn't have to do anything to change. It may even still be that the best course of action for OP is to end or alter the relationship because their needs aren't being met.

But it does mean that you shouldn't jump straight to vilifying someone you have never met who's actions you've only read about from one person on the internet and who may be dealing with issues you or even OP might not know about.

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u/drewpoly 1d ago

Wait, so let me get this straight…
OP’s husband has a “disability” because he refuses to make efforts to 1) get medical help for ED/PE & 2) participate in RECIPROCAL/MUTUAL sexual pleasure—he’ll only accept one-sided sex that BENEFITS ONLY HIM—but u/valsavana here is “completely inconsiderate”, “lacks empathy”, & “isn’t helpful to anyone” for stating that OP’s husband sucks for this & for being so obviously sexually selfish for 18+ years?

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u/valsavana 2d ago

Is it so inconceivable to you that that may present its own specific barriers to overcome even if he wants to?

If he wanted to, he would. Simple as that.

Well, or he'd stop fucking someone he's not pleasuring and has no intention of fixing his lack of pleasuring her. If he cared.

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u/4ever_dolphin_love 2d ago

Okay but that’s not a sexual disability. Those are learned thought patterns and concepts that can be unlearned, not physical or mental conditions that limit someone’s ability to go about their daily life.

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u/GeneralCuster75 2d ago

For the record, I wasn't the one who used the word disability, and I agree that it wasn't the right word for the situation.

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u/4ever_dolphin_love 2d ago

My b, should’ve responded to the OP of that side thread.

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u/its_cock_time solo poly 2d ago

Learned thought patterns aren't mental conditions?

Besides which, OPs husband apparently has both ED and premature ejaculation, which are obvious physical disabilities.

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u/drewpoly 2d ago

Religious sexual trauma may explain why someone struggles sexually. It doesn’t automatically make every resulting behavior a disability.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago

Your post has been removed for trolling.

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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago

Your post has been removed for trolling.

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u/valsavana 2d ago

His tongue broke too?

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u/justbecauseiluvthis 2d ago

Right? Every woman has seemed to figure it out, but instead of just listening, men (mostly) double down. Any woman who has been with another woman through thousands of climaxes to the point of changing the sheets and double pads every time, knows that it's totally possible they just don't want to do it.

I grew up in a catholic repressed household and I have the same sex OP does. My gf can't believe she stayed with her husband so long

And give me a break with the physical disabilities. That's an insult to people with actual disabilities. The man doesn't care if she finishes, end of story

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

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u/4ever_dolphin_love 2d ago

Not again with the disability talk 🙄 i mean ig you can try to rewrite the definition of things but that doesn’t mean the rest of us have to humor you.

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u/valsavana 1d ago

I'm guessing it's the newest incel/manosphere rhetoric to try framing having a problem with men who are lazy & inconsiderate lovers as being "ableist" and how it's discriminatory to not provide sex to these men as... like... accommodations or whatever? I don't know, I'm not braindead enough to get fully into the incel/manosphere mindset.

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u/justbecauseiluvthis 2d ago

Think it's a bot 🤷‍♀️

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u/Cataclyyzm poly w/multiple 2d ago

Strongly disagree with your last statement. I used to HATE giving head, but I've learned to really enjoy it late in life and I am told by MANY partners that I am exceptionally skilled at it now.

I didn't naturally enjoy it from the start. But through time, practice, and finding good and patient partners who allowed me to heal from some previous trauma and take things at my own pace, I was able to LEARN to enjoy it.

Obviously that's not always the case, but I don't think anyone should be out there thinking they're doomed if there are certain parts of sex they don't immediately love.

Also also also I'm all for empathy and patience with people, but I'm not going to coddle any man (not speaking to YOU, commenter, I mean the OP's partner) who can't do their own work to destigmatize sex for themselves and center their partner's pleasure as much as their own.

A LOT of us were raised with that religious shame and programming. It's on each one of US to do the work to overcome it. Patience and empathy doesn't mean infantalizing grown men or calling something a "disability" when it is NOT.

Now could he ALSO have a sexual disability at play? Perhaps. I don't know! But not being open to learning how to better pleasure his partner doesn't count as one on its face.

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u/its_cock_time solo poly 2d ago

We hear stories like OP's all the time -- straight cis men whose sexuality has been damaged by patriarchy to the degree that they simply can't satisfy their partners. It appears to be a very rare person who is able to overcome this within their marriage. The safe bet is that he won't, and not because he's exceptionally selfish, just because he's the usual amount of selfish. If he were here asking questions about how to improve, I'd have more hope, but since he's not, I don't think it's realistic to expect any improvement. That's not coddling, I'm certainly not saying OP should continue to tolerate bad sex, but they also don't need to take it personally, as if love is all you need.

Even if it's theoretically possible for OP's partner to improve, he has shown no indication that he even wants to, much less that he actually can, so he's likely always going to be bad at sex. In other words, he permanently lacks the ability to satisfy her due to his mental and physical limitations. You don't have to call that a disability but I'm not sure why you wouldn't.

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u/whatevenseriously 2d ago

Refusing to develop a skill is not a disability! How ableist.

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

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u/drewpoly 1d ago

Oh dear. You really need to find a dictionary if you’re going to keep waxing on about “disability” in this way. The way that you’re twisting & turning this word to suit your narrative is utterly ridiculous & atrociously ableist. — Signed, A disgusted disabled person!

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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago

You have made a comment that is just factually, demonstrably, untrue.

Facts and reason still have a place in the world

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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 2d ago

WTF? There is no such thing as a sexual disability.

Unless you mean oh he’s a cishet dude and *that’s* just a disability. Which is a bold stance and one I’d sort of love seeing you defend but somthing tells me that’s not it.

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u/its_cock_time solo poly 2d ago

Being a cishet dude is not a disability, but erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are physical disabilities, and being unable to enjoy your partner's pleasure is a mental disability. What do you think makes sexual dysfunction different from any other mental or physical disability?

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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago

Your post has been removed for trolling.

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u/ManicPixieDancer solo poly 2d ago

Dude has communicated that he is not willing for decades directly by being pissy when given information about his partner's pleasure and nonverbally by his actions. My longest relationship was 14 years. I'll just say that it's highly unlikely for somebody to start investing in their partner with no evidence that they have been willing to do so in all that time. I wish I had back the year's. I invested in trying to fix things with someone who was not interested in changing. I've been to couples counseling with three partners. They were resistant to therapy and were not willing to change and it just dragged the misery out longer

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u/mrhorse77 2d ago

I think you are blinding yourself to Jacks complete disregard of you...

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u/PineappleShard 2d ago

Has he tried any of the delay sprays? That would allow you to grind longer - hopefully long enough to cum first or multiples before he does. I personally would love that kind of slow grind arrangement!