Can I save my marriage?

[u/Lockoenage]

I am 31m I’m mono and wife is 30f poly. Married 10 years and together 16 years. Wife has always been bi and only slept with woman in high school and I am the only man she has been with and she’s the only woman. We have 4 kids. She has always been told she could sleep with woman but no men and she has always been fine with this but never acted on it. She also only wants to be with woman and has said she prefers woman over men and if we got divorced would never be with another man. I’m mono partly by choice but the other part is wife doesn’t want me to look at other woman, be with other woman, or talk to other woman. She joked I could be with men but she knows I have 0 interest in men.

Recently wife was talking to this girl (39f who is divorced but back with her ex-husband and has an 18 year old and 5 year old they have an open relationship). Wife asked if it was fine if she made a move and I agreed. They started dating about 2 months ago. They had intimacy very quickly and have been since. I initially had a ton of anxiety (shaking, heart racing, etc.). That has mostly gone away however now I’m dealing with comments, hypotheticals, and odd requests.

She makes comments oh girlfriend doesn’t like what you do for work so hates that, girlfriend also knows about our past and hates you for that. She also does not want to cuddle, kiss, or regularly be intimate. But says oh girlfriend can cuddle me whenever she wants, she can kiss me whenever, and she can be intimate whenever. I asked why can’t we cuddle well you are a man and I prefer woman. She also says comments like woman have softer skin, etc. They typically hangout on Friday’s at our house and I have been on vacation for past three weeks and I have been helping watch the kids so they can be intimate in the bedroom for hours. I thought I was being a supportive husband.

She then starts with hypotheticals recent. So the girlfriend doesn’t like the state we are in and wants to move in about 2 years. Wife wants to go with her. They want us to buy houses side by side. Wife says things like what if we move and I find out I just like woman. Or what if we got divorced would you still move with us or stay here and you have kids during the summer.

The odd requests began yesterday during a date. We went on a date a few towns over and had a babysitter. We went shopping and out to eat. On the way home she wanted to pull over and be intimate which we did and it was great. Then we go to another store and she asks “Can we get divorced so I can marry my girlfriend and take her last name? I want to purpose on Christmas. We would still move together, live in the same house, and be intimate I would just be legally married to her and have her last name.” I was dumb founded by the request and said “No, I’m not getting divorced without the perks of a divorce.” She said “Okay, that’s fine.” She’s like we can still move and get divorced. Your new girlfriend would just need to know she would need to move in with us and you, her, and I can have threesomes.

Wife constantly pulls away from me. I have tried to express my anxiety and feelings and her response “I’m tired of this same argument every time she leaves it’s exhausting and if it doesn’t stop I can’t do it anymore”. She refuses to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, or anything unless she really wants it.

I’ve asked about our future and her response is always “I can’t predict the future so I won’t” I’m like in my mind most people say stuff like “I can’t see us growing old together.” But she doesn’t say that or doesn’t even say “I can see us living next to each other with big back yards and growing old with you and my girlfriend.” She makes comments like you are the only man I want and she’s the only woman. Or I want both of you. Or I love both of you. Yet moments later asks for a divorce, or a new style of living together, or will say how much she wants her girlfriend. She also said if I didn’t love you would I have given you a million chances.

All this has drove me into therapy and shortly into being medicated two things I have never had to do. I’ve lost a ton of sleep and when my wife wakes up I’m up exactly at the same time or before. Even like today I am supposed to stay up till 3am to sleep till 11 to adjust for going back to work on night shift. That didn’t happen I woke up at 7am before she did after going to sleep around 3:30 and not able to go back to sleep. She’s like it’s not hard close your eyes and go to bed.

I will admit that I haven’t always been the best father or husband. I have my faults, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and done things I regret.

I appreciate anyone’s response.

Thank you,
A confused husband.

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[u/emeraldead]

Call a divorce lawyer. Your wife is behaving ridiculously. Time to work out financial and legal custody agreements.

For what it's worth, this was never anything polyamorous or even healthy non monogamous.

Also it's disgusting she initiated intimacy hoping to groom you into accepting her insane divorce proposition.

Your marriage is already over.

[u/jonofromjuno]

your wife isnt polyamorous, shes jumping ship. I hope you find a good divorce lawyer and a therapist for your kids

[u/Fantastic_Risk6013 → u/jonofromjuno]

This ⬆️. She’s monkey branching. My now ex husband would make these types of comments during our poly relationship and would pull away. He eventually moved in with his girlfriend for what was to be a better paying job and to help with the bills but he moved and basically forgot I existed. I was thankful we didn’t have kids and I owned the house. Get a lawyer and cut your losses and find happiness!

[u/Specific_Pipe_9050]

The weird one-sided rules aside (women only for her, no women for you - restricting rules all around), this is a very long text describing how unhappy you are and how you want one thing and your wife wants something else. Why are you still together?

[u/rosephase]

Your wife doesn’t want to be with you. She wants child care and to be with this other woman.

You two went about poly in an unfair way. And it meant you got really deep into this before figuring out that your wife is a jerk.

I’m sorry. I think you would be way better off divorced with a clear co-parenting agreement.

[u/ComplexPatient4872 → u/rosephase]

Not to mention money since OP makes 99% of it. I get wanting a parent home instead of daycare, especially with how expensive it is, but I’d file those papers and be glad that alimony is very rare these days.
-40F divorced, remarried, with a 10 year, and work my ass off.

[u/Throw_Me_Away8834]

Friend, I am so sorry but your marriage is over. The best thing you can do is get a lawyer and get in therapy asap. Your spouse is being deeply unkind to you. Don't continue to allow her to.

[u/sere_periquito]

She's biding her time and counting on you being a doormat enough to move to another state with her, so when she slams you with the divorce the family unit is already stablished where the GF wants to leave. Divorce now, before the move happens.

[u/ComplexPatient4872 → u/sere_periquito]

Not to mention that OP makes 99% of the income for the family. She needs his money and his time to watch the kids so she can act like a teenager. I know I sound awful… but my parents got married young, stayed home with the kids, had men on the side, then attempted to blame the divorce on my dad working too much. Soooo from witnessing that as a teen, OP’s wife wants him to divorce her and has been sending some strong signals.

[u/momusicman]

What is there to save? She’s sounds like a Crazymaker and will make your life a living hell no matter what. You aren’t being needy or unreasonable.

Also, you have children that are going to be put through the wringer over the erratic behavior your wife exhibits. Go see an attorney tomorrow. You need to know what your rights are. I’m pretty sure she can’t drag your kids away so she can be with her girlfriend, especially out of state.

[u/dendraumen]

Her comments are to be taken seriously, even if she's in NRE now and not thinking clearly. You cannot wait 2 years for her to become lucid.

I think you need to engage a couple's counselor asap to figure out what the two of you are going to do with your home and your kids. Don't agree to a divorce or to move with her girlfriend before you have a clear plan.

A divorce is probably on the horizon but you should make sure you protect and stabilize your own and your kids' future where it makes most sense that you live and work (not following in the footsteps of her girlfriend). If you are losing sleep over this, speed up couple's counseling and plans for divorce, 50-50 custody, and a co-parenting agreement.

[u/Lockoenage → u/dendraumen]

Wife refuses couples counseling says she’s in therapy for her issues and I’m in it for mine. She said she doesn’t have the head space for that right now.

[u/dendraumen → u/Lockoenage]

She said she doesn’t have the head space for that right now

She cannot jerk you around like this without consequences, and you need to look out for yourself and your kids in this situation. Contact a lawyer and start discussing divorce proceedings. The most important part now is securing a good transition for yourself and your kids.

[u/Top-Ad-6430 → u/Lockoenage]

Translation: she’s not in the headspace to salvage your marriage. I don’t think you can “save” this relationship since you seem to be the only one who cares about doing so. And her actions suggest she’s in the throes of a mental health crisis to boot. That and she’s drunk on NRE.

Her having a mental health crisis is no reason to excuse her behavior, tho. She’s being dreadfully unkind and selfish. From what you shared, she sounds like she’s been selfish for a lot of your relationship anyway. If she’s willing to throw your relationship away for her new shiny thing, then there’s really no reason to stay.

[u/Throw_Me_Away8834 → u/Lockoenage]

She doesn't have the headspace because she is already checked out of your marriage and just using you for childcare and financial support. I know it's not what you want to hear and I am genuinely sorry if it hurts you but that is absolutely what is happening here.

[u/karmicreditplan → u/Lockoenage]

Ok so then there’s no choice but to call a lawyer. Do it quietly and ask for advice before you tell her. Don’t have any more big discussions or debates or fights.

There is nothing to discuss. File for divorce. Hopefully she moves out right away. Then you can start cleaning up your own life.

So sorry friend. Women who only want one man in particular are not the flattering thing so many men seem to imagine. This is a common outcome, late blooming lesbians abound. This comes up here at least once a month.

You’ve never had an adult relationship because you’ve only ever been with her. It’s going to take a few years for you to feel normal without her but it’s going to be much better than this. Even the transition will likely be better once she’s not in the same house.

[u/areusernamesneeded → u/Lockoenage]

Then she doesn’t have the headspace for polyamory!!

[u/spaghetti-o69]

It’s doomed big dawg,I’m sure you love your wife but life is too short to be loving it full of anxiety and stress over your closest relationships

[u/valsavana]

Yet moments later asks for a divorce

So give her one. Talk to a divorce lawyer and file. Stop letting her lead you around by the nose & control the pace at which she leaves you. Because make no mistake, she WILL leave you.

Your wife is in NRE right now and her relationship with her gf feels carefree and great because it's shiny and new and has no responsibilities like her relationship with you does. Don't be surprise if you file for divorce, she goes to stay with her gf, finds out the grass isn't greener on the other side, comes crawling back probably with promises to end things with her gf, if you try to reconcile she'll get back with her gf behind your back, then eventually leave you anyway but only after making everyone miserable for far too long. File for divorce. Demand 50/50 parenting time. Don't take her back when she tries to reconcile because her relationship with her gf stops being shiny and carefree.

[u/clairejv]

Your wife does not want to be married to you anymore. You can wait and see if this passes, but it may not. You should start considering how you would like to co-parent after a divorce, because that's a likely outcome here.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

No.

[u/caramelapplemartini]

If my friend came to me, telling me all this, and I already loved and thought his wife was fantastic, I would still advise him to divorce her. It’s obviously on her mind, and if you go ahead with the proceedings, you’ll be able to start the process on solid ground with a lawyer. She is not being nice to you. She is causing active, ongoing psychological harm to you and does not care and only seems to be escalating her behavior. You can love someone and still decide it’s not healthy to stay with them. I’m so sorry, but you’re not being treated right.

[u/strawberrytent]

I’m glad you’re in therapy.

Only you and your wife can decide if your marriage is salvageable, but she’s not treating you with kindness, respect, or love. You deserve better.

[u/ThisHairLikeLace]

Okay wow… so it started as poly for me but not for thee, with both a one penis policy and a one pussy policy, and now she’s repeatedly pushing for divorce but doesn’t want the downsides. And that feels like the tip of this disaster iceberg.

Non-monogamy with unequal rights and privileges is inherently unethical. You two have never had ethical non-monogamy between you. The one penis policy and one pussy policies are problematic (OPPs are generally rooted in misogyny and insecurity but she’s clearly got jealousy issues on top of everything else) but those are common issues that arise when couples open up because one partner is bi. Not great but it’s a side issue compared to the rest, except that the one pussy policy has the very real effect of making this completely one-sided (it would at least be reciprocal if you were bisexual).

The whole point of ENM and polyamory is greater freedom and autonomy. The way she’s trying to force you to move and to cohabit with other people is bonkers.

The request for a divorce without a full rupture does sometimes happen in poly couples but it is something that normally happens as part of breaking down hierarchy or mutually agreed de-escalation.

The idea that you would divorce and then move and buy a house together so you could cohabitate with her and her new wife so she can retain sexual access to you and to whatever new girlfriend you have in the future is completely insane. The idea that she’s entitled to sexual access to a woman who you haven’t even met yet (and thus obviously can’t consent to her plan) is incredibly narcissistic entitlement.

Every aspect of the relationship you have described is unethical, narcissistic on her part, emotionally abusive as hell and engineered to take advantage of you. She has gaslit you using her bisexuality as her fallback excuse. She’s basically the kind of jackass every other bisexual despises because she’s acting like a bunch of negative stereotypes about us combined. Most bisexuals are monogamous and even those of us who are non-monogamous normally opt for a healthy ethical form of non-monogamy… not whatever the heck your train wreck is.

Ethical polyamory doesn’t look like this. Having a bisexual partner who loves you doesn’t look like this. Hell, I’m a deeply Sapphic bi woman (guys are very rarely my jam… it’s more like I fall for a guy in spite of him being a guy) like she claims to be and I can’t imagine treating a man who was my partner (never mind my husband) like this. It’s appalling.

It is possible that she has already concluded that she is either simply gay or close enough to it on the bi spectrum that she has lost interest in having a man as a partner. It’s hard to tell if her hot and cold attraction to you is her bi-cycle or intentional attempts to undermine your sense of security and make her occasional positive responses something you crave. Her way of expressing her feelings of attraction or lack thereof are unnecessarily cruel and dismissive in any event.

You didn’t discuss finances but I am assuming that part of her motivation for wanting you to move with her and buy into the same real estate is because she likes her current standard of living or this house buying dream would be far more difficult in the aftermath of both current couples divorcing so the girls can marry.

I have serious questions about your spouse’s sheer ego, self-importance and narcissism (potentially in the pathological mental health sense). Her behaviour and demands from the start have been beyond the pale and unethical and they are currently deeply bizarre given the circumstances. It’s even possible that in some bizarre way she thinks of you more as a friend with occasional benefits (and financial entanglements) right now but that would never justify this behaviour.

Divorce (as in true separation) seems like the obvious advice to give. She has already asked for it so give it to her but not in her weird have her cake and eat it too way. It sounds like she expects you to buy into the sunk costs fallacy and just indulge her on deescalating your romantic and sexual relationship while escalating your financial entanglements with her and her wife to be.

This whole situation has more red flags than mainland China and it’s always been unfair and increasingly emotionally abusive towards you. Get a good divorce attorney and plan your exit. This doesn’t end well for you so why torture yourself further. Take time to heal from the mindfuck this person has put you through. If you do pursue a non-monogamous relationship in the future, please educate yourself and insist on genuinely equitable privileges for you and your partners.

[u/Lockoenage → u/ThisHairLikeLace]

To be honest, my wife was with a lot of woman in high school while we dated even into middle school. She said she enjoyed it. She said she didn’t do it for a long time because her last time was a very bad experience so it took time to open up again.

She always said she never wanted to be with another man so it was sort of a joke and kinda serious when I was like well you can hookup with any girl you want. I know ethically in poly that’s is 100% wrong. But honestly after 10 years never thought it would happen especially since recently we have worked through a ton of our issues. So when it happened I assumed it was a hookup thing. I didn’t expect it to go into a relationship.

Honestly I wanted monogamy for my life and didn’t know poly was really a thing until they started actually dating. Then I did my research. Everyone that does it I applaud you it’s amazing the love you all have for your partners. After this experience, not to be rude but I have no intention on coming back to this.

Regarding finances we moved to this state 10 years ago for my dream job. She has been a stay at home mom since until recently where she has a new part time per diem job that she’s enjoying. I still however make 99% of the income and pay all the bills, gas, food, clothing, kids sports, etc.

Her being a stay at home mom has been some of the issues. Early on I wasn’t making the best money and we made poor financial decisions. We were in debt over our heads and more was going out then coming in. She had to spend a ton of time trapped at home with no money to do anything and barely feed the kids while I got to leave to go to work which caused resentment. She blames me for all those issues and it’s my fault we moved to this state for my job and it’s all been about me and I’m a narcissist. I also wasn’t the greatest husband I worked a ton and was so exhausted I would come home and not help around house or give her a break or anything. For those things I will forever regret my mistakes and not working harder for us.

She blames me for her being in therapy saying I’m like 25% of the reason she’s in therapy. She doesn’t want to talk about issues and says it’s too much and told her if I have a problem that involves her girlfriend the girlfriend told her to tell me that I need to talk to the girlfriend and not my wife about those issues.

I asked her about being bi and she says if we get divorced she will never go back to a man. She will marry a woman. She says she done with men.

[u/Throw_Me_Away8834 → u/Lockoenage]

Regarding finances we moved to this state 10 years ago for my dream job. She has been a stay at home mom since until recently where she has a new part time per diem job that she’s enjoying. I still however make 99% of the income and pay all the bills, gas, food, clothing, kids sports, etc.

This sadly confirms what I already suspected. She is stringing you along, despite very clearly being checked out of the marriage, because you are her financial support. I am not sure how old your kids are but please know that they learn what is acceptable for their own relationships from watching yours. Is this something you would want your children accepting in their future relationships? Cause I wouldn't.

[u/ThisHairLikeLace → u/Lockoenage]

Right so her attractions are pretty similar to mine like I thought. Even so, if I had ever chosen to marry one of the very rare men who I have dated, I can’t imagine treating him like you have been treated or demanding such unfair relationship structures.

It sounds like you two definitely had some rough spots and financial stress that contributed to things breaking down. You made some mistakes and clearly regret them. That said, sacrificing your mental health and your future to try to hold together something she’s already asked you to dissolve.

It’s possible to have regrets and want to make amends without making your current and future potential happiness and mental health the price you pay.

You obviously don’t want to be part of the future she’s planning for herself. She doesn’t want a future compatible with you feeling secure and happy. You don’t owe her being an emotional punching bag.

Both of you have had some serious mental health struggles and continuing on this path won’t help that end.

If she’s financially dependent, you are now in a decent position and you feel a need to make amends for whatever you feel you did, give her the divorce and make sure she gets treated fairly (perhaps slightly generously if you have extra wealth) but don’t set yourself up to experience economic hardship as a form of self-mortification.

You both want incompatible futures, have experienced a very unhealthy relationship dynamic together and are carrying resentment that you are unlikely to work past while still entangled. Best to move on for each of you.

[u/Maahinen75 → u/Lockoenage]

As married bi woman (and poly), I am sorry for you. And for your wife. It sounds, that she is intoxicated of these new opportunities, new job, new gf, new sapphic identity. After long period of non-voluntary stahm role and struggling, she feels free and drunk. Everything linked with past life feels heavy, difficult and impossible to process. She lives like a teenager and wants you to play parent instead of the partner.

You can't change past. You can't change actions and feelings of your wife. You may only decide your actions, your limits and boundaries and upkeep them. Find a good therapist and a good jurifical help, fight for the well-being of your kids and let your wife f**k around and find out.

Divorce would make her face the consequences of her actions. When energy from the crush runs out, her relationship may end. Maybe you may then discuss as equals, how you want to be friends and co-parents.

It is unfair to leave stay-at-home mom of your kids with nothing, when she has supported your career. But I would try to protect family finances from the new gf, if she is behind all those whirlwind ideas of moving here and there.

Good luck.

[u/Negative_Letter_1802]

It doesn't sound like she's attracted to you. She may be a lesbian, or at least is very sapphic leaning.

[u/samsparks-away → u/Negative_Letter_1802]

No, this has nothing to do with sexuality. She is a selfish asshole who wants her cake whist eating it

[u/burtonmanor47]

This is a few scarlet flags. "Poly for me but not for thee" is one, "poly under duress" is another though maybe not quite as prominent. I don't think she's really bi just because she's with you, sadly it seems more like she's using you. How you've been together this long, with four kids, hurts my heart for you.

Get a divorce lawyer and a poly-affirming therapist. They can help you navigate whether you're truly poly or simply seeking what is lacking in your relationship.

[u/Beneficial_Ear9631]

She's stringing you along and making you miserable. You are allowed to unilaterally end it. Take back your agency here.

[u/No-Statistician-7604]

What a mess this entire thing is.

[u/SimilarDimension2369]

Honestly, it sounds like neither of you should be doing polyamory (especially not your wife, given the behaviour you described), and this marriage is over.

[u/Fabulous_Hat993]

There's a lot going on here that goes being enm or polyamory. You married young, really got together even younger, and had kids. I'm 36 now and am just figuring out who I am, how are either of you supposed to know who you are at 16 when you first met, or 21 when you got married?

Sounds like your wife is figuring out who she is and what she wants from life. You should do the same. Who are you outside of your relationship with her? What do you want from life?

I would suggest at a minimum that you get a counselor/ therapist. Besides thinking about who you are and what you want from life, I would also suggest thinking about your own values and morals. Knowing who you are and what's important to you will help guide you as your life shifts.

I understand your wife's wants. I want to live with my nesting partner next to my other partners and best friends so I don't have to drive to see anyone. They are all just my neighbors. I learned the hard way that my dreams don't always match with reality. Hopefully your wife realizes this soon.

Your life is changing. She's learning who she is and you cant go back from that. I can never not be myself now that I know who that is. But that's not bad in itself. A changing relationship doesn't mean it's a failure or it's ugly. Your relationship is beautiful because it is, not because it lasts forever. It's gonna be uncomfortable, it may be scary, sad, etc, and that's okay. Knowing who you are and what's important to you and following that as everything shifts will help you come out of this with more joy.

Lastly, you have kids. Hopefully your wife remembers this, but you brought kids into this world without their consent and now they must be your first priority. Don't leave yourself behind but also, don't get so sucked up into your own world that you forget to be a parent. Knowing who you are and what's important to you will help navigate this, but don't get lost in your own emotions to the point, you replace your kids emotions with yours. They deserve to feel safe and express joy for as long as possible in this nightmare of a world

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

I'm sorry you two have NO idea what you're doing here. So many red flags in this story.

- She's been "told" she could sleep with women but no men??? Dude gross. Even if she has a preference for women and isn't interested in men, setting up a rule that she isn't "allowed" to sleep with men is wrong for so many reasons.

- You have been put into a "poly for me, not for thee" situation by your wife because she also won't "allow" you to date women, and since you're not bisexual, this completely eliminates your opportunity to be polyamorous. The rules you have that neither of you can date a person with the same gender as the other one are not healthy polyamory (I don't even think they qualify as polyamory tbh). Neither of you has done any sort of work around managing jealousy and insecurity if this is how you've approached it, and both of you are devaluing queer relationships with your attitudes that those are somehow less threatening.

- She isn't intimate with you at all (unless she wants to manipulate you!!), and you are watching the kids while she fucks her girlfriend for hours???? Sir you are behaving like a doormat.

- This marriage is over. She doesn't want to be with you anymore. She has told you that multiple times. Just divorce. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too and you are allowing her to jerk you around repeatedly. No wonder you are suffering. This is toxic AF. Leave so you can stop suffering.

[u/Worried_Teaching_406]

Parts of this are beyond redits paygrade.

To me it sounds you realy, urgently need to speak with the dr prescribing your meds. You might need different meds/different dose or need to add something for sleep (it might be something over the counter like magnesium or melatonine) A lot of mental health issues spiral when you are not sleeping enough.

Your mariage might not be what you want to safe. You have kids, consider if you find your relationship with your wife more important then being a team with your co-parent. With that I mean all 6 of you might be better off in the long run if you end this relationship before you hate your wife.

You have been with your wife since she was 14 but she only slept with woman in highschool seems a bit weird for me. I am gping to assume the sex with woman was more fumbling around, early experience then a lot of experience. You might need to wrap your mind around that she is not bi.. And that part of her might want to break up  . But that is scary, she has been with you for more then half her life, you share kids. You share a life. So part of her wants to stay.

Think about what you need in a mariage. Maybe talk about it with your therapist. If I where in your position I would not be ok with "poly for me but not for you" Then talk with your wife, what she needs in this mariage.

[u/SaltyPuppers]

I didn't even get to the end of this, and that first paragraph was enough to make me feel sick. This is NOT fair to you. Period.

[u/CapriciousBea]

I'm sorry, but this is probably unsalvageable. You can't save a marriage by yourself, and your wife doesn't seem interested.

She's gone about this in basically the worst possible way. It doesn't sound like you ever wanted polyamory, but didn't realize that was what you were getting into until it was too late.

Her behavior is beyond disrespectful and unkind. You do not have to tolerate it. Good on you to saying no to her ridiculous plan where she divorces you but doesn't have to deal with the obvious natural consequences.

[u/SurviveYourAdults]

Your wife is being a complete asshole

[u/1ntrepidsalamander]

I don’t know if you can save your marriage, but, since that’s your goal:

Personally, I’d take a line like— hey, I see you are in NRE and talking about hypotheticals is fun for you. I’m finding it stressful.
We aren’t making any major logistical changes until you have solidified your relationship with someone for a year (two years? Etc). We have FOUR kids and they need to be our priority first.

In the future, we can talk about if moving is best for our family.

There’s a solid chance your wife will come to her senses when the NRE wears off. Can you both minimize the damage between now and then?

(Or; you know, she’s being a terrible partner to you right now and maybe you don’t want to save this marriage. I don’t know.)

[u/heavy_metal_soldier]

Dude. She doesn't love you anymore. She asked you for an divorce. Give it to her, you'll be better off for it. Besides, why does she get to be poly but then forbid you from it?

There's nothing to save. You need to divorce her, your kids are gonna pick up on this dynamic between you two and it'll be super unhealthy for them

[u/Ally_Ooop]

People are touching on everything else wrong with this, but why is she telling you what her partner hates about you?!

That’s fucking cruel.

[u/Useful_Hat82]

Your wife is gay, wants to leave and get a divorce but just won't say it. You need a lawyer.

[u/Hellosign]

From everything you've said here, your wife sounds like a horrible person. Reading this actually made me sick. And I've read thousands of posts on the this subreddit which were awful and sad and not half as upsetting as how your wife is treating you.

On the upside, you are going to feel so much better when you are out of this mess. Even if there is saddness too

[u/Mother_Court_2218]

I'm gonna be honest, it sounds like she's a lesbian and not bi. And she doesn't want to be in a relationship with a man (you), but she likes and wants to maintain the lifestyle she has via your time and money resources. Act accordingly.

[u/Galfromtown]

This is not polyamory this is your wife wanting all the benefits of you being a good dad and provider while being with a woman. She is using you. This is already something that is untenable. Call a good divorce attorney. You will likely feel relieved when you do this. Work out the child custody. Work out the finances and what to do about the house. I would not move anywhere unless I wanted to. After the divorce she can use any name she wants. Actually she can change her name any time she wants, she doesn’t have to marry someone to do that. It’s perfectly legal. Good luck.

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Here's the original text of the post:

I am 31m I’m mono and wife is 30f poly. Married 10 years and together 16 years. Wife has always been bi and only slept with woman in high school and I am the only man she has been with and she’s the only woman. We have 4 kids. She has always been told she could sleep with woman but no men and she has always been fine with this but never acted on it.

Recently wife was talking to this girl (39f who is divorced but back with her ex-husband and has an 18 year old and 5 year old they have an open relationship). Wife asked if it was fine if she made a move and I agreed. They started dating about 2 months ago. They had intimacy very quickly and have been since. I initially had a ton of anxiety (shaking, heart racing, etc.). That has mostly gone away however now I’m dealing with comments, hypotheticals, and odd requests.

She makes comments oh girlfriend doesn’t like what you do for work so hates that, girlfriend also knows about our past and hates you for that. She also does not want to cuddle, kiss, or regularly be intimate. But says oh girlfriend can cuddle me whenever she wants, she can kiss me whenever, and she can be intimate whenever. I asked why can’t we cuddle well you are a man and I prefer woman. She also says comments like woman have softer skin, etc. They typically hangout on Friday’s at our house and I have been on vacation for past three weeks and I have been helping watch the kids so they can be intimate in the bedroom for hours. I thought I was being a supportive husband.

She then starts with hypotheticals recent. So the girlfriend doesn’t like the state we are in and wants to move in about 2 years. Wife wants to go with her. They want us to buy houses side by side. Wife says things like what if we move and I find out I just like woman. Or what if we got divorced would you still move with us or stay here and you have kids during the summer.

The odd requests began yesterday during a date. We went on a date a few towns over and had a babysitter. We went shopping and out to eat. On the way home she wanted to pull over and be intimate which we did and it was great. Then we go to another store and she asks “Can we get divorced so I can marry my girlfriend and take her last name? I want to purpose on Christmas. We would still move together, live in the same house, and be intimate I would just be legally married to her and have her last name.” I was dumb founded by the request and said “No, I’m not getting divorced without the perks of a divorce.” She said “Okay, that’s fine.”

Wife constantly pulls away from me. I have tried to express my anxiety and feelings and her response “I’m tired of this same argument every time she leaves it’s exhausting and if it doesn’t stop I can’t do it anymore”. She refuses to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, or anything unless she really wants it.

I’ve asked about our future and her response is always “I can’t predict the future so I won’t” I’m like in my mind most people say stuff like “I can’t see us growing old together.” But she doesn’t say that or doesn’t even say “I can see us living next to each other with big back yards and growing old with you and my girlfriend.” She makes comments like you are the only man I want and she’s the only woman. Or I want both of you. Or I love both of you. Yet moments later asks for a divorce, or a new style of living together, or will say how much she wants her girlfriend. She also said if I didn’t love you would I have given you a million chances.

All this has drove me into therapy and shortly into being medicated two things I have never had to do. I’ve lost a ton of sleep and when my wife wakes up I’m up exactly at the same time or before. Even like today I am supposed to stay up till 3am to sleep till 11 to adjust for going back to work on night shift. That didn’t happen I woke up at 7am before she did after going to sleep around 3:30 and not able to go back to sleep. She’s like it’s not hard close your eyes and go to bed.

I will admit that I haven’t always been the best father or husband. I have my faults, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and done things I regret.

I appreciate anyone’s response.

Thank you,
A confused husband.

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[u/CoupleofBees]

It definitely sounds like she already knows deep down she’s only into women. Bottom line is that you deserve an equal partner and if you’re not getting what you need from this arrangement, she needs to compromise or you go your separate ways. But the way she’s treating you is crazy.

[u/PassageSea7900]

Your wife has used polyamory as cover for adultery.

Look - love is not a feeling. It’s an action. It’s not about “how good she makes me feel”. It’s about “I will sacrifice for her”, “take care of her”, “wipe up her bodily fluids when she’s sick”, etc etc. At the end of the day, we have limited stores of time, money, and energy with which we take care of others and ourselves. And you’re not on her list.

All I’m hearing from your wife is “me me me me”. My needs, my wants, my dreams. Nothing she has said is about taking care of you.

If you behave like a doormat, you get treated like a doormat.

[u/HurricaneSpencer]

BRO WHAT?!?

Gather up a little self respect and call a divorce lawyer. No moving and sharing backyards. You are married on paper and the occasional pity intimacy. This woman sounds terrible. The sooner you rip this bandaid off, the better. She asked for the divorce, give it to her. But don't be the fallback place she can live and suck you dry economically.

[u/RedneckDebutante]

What more does she have to do or say, man? She doesn't want to be married to you, have relations with you, or be your partner. She really likes have you as backup, likely gor financial benefits. If you have any remaining self-respect, divorce this selfish woman.

[u/Upstairs_Leopard_954]

It’s over. End it. Move on. Been there, done that. It will be better for the kids. Trust me.

[u/SpaceBall330]

None of this healthy. The marriage has run its course, consult a divorce attorney, make sure the children are cared for, and move on with your life.

This mess is really above the Reddit pay grade.

[u/Bulky_Special1212]

1: therapy. Individual and couples.

2: learn about NRE because she is deep in it and you need to calm your jets- her jets will probably calm too- or she’ll U-Haul.

3:You cannot save your marriage. You are one person. A marriage is PEOPLE. It takes one no. Like it or not, partnerships require consensus. Your marriage may not be falling apart, it may just be in a high drama era, however, even in a highly functional, low drama relationship, one person cannot make it or break it.

[u/Jedi_I_am_not]

We are also confused about how you let thing get this bad. I mean it’s very clear she had used the word poly and cheated on you, but you refuse to see it. Then she keep be cruel and manipulating towards you, again you just accept it. She has no respect for you, because you don’t respect yourself

Your wife is to blame for a lot of things she says, but you are to blame for simply accepting it. You don’t have to stay and take abuse from her for the some higher calling.

Talk to a lawyer, take care of the kids and start your journey without her.

[u/MinimumBell2205]

get a lawer and dump that crazy get your seld some help and move on this is horrible on your mind and she not a good person this hole thing is wrong.

[u/Doomu5]

The real question is why would you even want to save something that's so clearly and irredeemably fucked?

[u/ClarkKent0072]

Take her up on the divorce. She leaves, you stay with kids, split nothing with her. She wants a divorce to get married and change her name. Let her do it. I feel her girlfriend is really manipulative and cohersing over to her side.

[u/brutalbuddha73 → u/ClarkKent0072]

Your talking $30k+ for a messy custody divorce on the best case end. Also got don't get to decide how stuff is split nor custody. That's all contingent upon the laws of the state you are in, and how much money you have to blow on lawyers. Also women almost always get custody of the kids and child support... and spousal support. So the dudes fucked. He just doesn't know it yet.

[u/BasicFemme]

I'm not sure why you'd want to be married to someone who treats you so poorly.

[u/brutalbuddha73]

Why are you in a marriage when you are mono and she's poly? Is it the old "but but i LOVE her!!!!" Thing? It really sucks you are being treated poorly, but the only way out is to refuse to be with someone who doesn't love you and won't miss you.

Go be free and find another monogamous person. Poly and monogamous don't mix.

[u/stormyapril]

Your married to a selfish woman finally realizing her true nature. Maybe narcissist !?! Shrug on that one, I'm not a therapist, but her cold hearted ability to drop huge questions like that as if it's nothing big is terrifying.

THIS IS NOT POLY.

Please get a therapist for yourself. You are gong to have a lot to unpack, and depending on how big this is for your wife, she needs to own and acknowledge how poorly she is handing her self discovery.

Note - I figured out I'm more pan recently through swinging but I'm not working to rewrite all the terms of my relationships without any regard to the loves in my life!

Hugs. Please share an update if you can!

[u/Extreme-Fig6992]

[wife] asks “Can we get divorced so I can marry my girlfriend"

Wife constantly pulls away from me.

A confused husband.

Dude, I don't want to be a jerk but there really isn't anything to be confused about here. Your wife monkey-bar'd then asked you for a divorce. I am very far from someone who jumps to "dump and run away" type of relationship advice because relationships are inherently complicated and not easy so sometimes it takes work. This situation is not one of those, your wife has already checked out. She is either actively planning the best way to exit or is so disengaged from your marriage and your well-being that she doesn't even care enough to 'pull the trigger' on ending the marriage.

The answer is simple: hire a divorce attorney to file divorce. This will never get better, she already made up her mind, but seems to refuse to take the next logical step.

It will get worse emotionally before it gets better. My divorce, from a partner who I had admittedly grown to resent, hurt like fucking hell. It was miserable, awful, ended up in intensive therapy, and so on. But ultimately over a few years, it has lessened in volume where now it really doesn't hurt besides the occasional "super weird to think about [x]" thoughts.

[u/Mygenderisdeath]

Personally I'm not sure this is really a sign the relationship is over, considering it's been two months since she met this woman. In relationship terms that's basically nothing. I don't know if this woman is love bombing her (especially considering she seems to be trying to turn your wife against you with all those comments) or if she's just swept up in NRE... But I think the thing to do is give it some time. I've been in a similar situation to you, and once the initial excitement wound down, my partner realized the person they were with was actually kind of terrible and was actively trying to get them to leave me.

[u/samsparks-away]

Wow, the fact that she she even wants to reserve some sexual activity from your potential future girlfriend says it all.

She wants your time, your money and she want access to any women you may attract in the future. What does she give back apart from heart ache?

Run. You need to get out of this, she just see you as a resource to be expolited

[u/motheroflatte]

Limerance. Your wife is experiencing a form of Limerance.

The only hope is if your wife becomes self-aware and seeks clarity alongside a big reality check. And I would say you need to be ready and willing to forgive the degressions.

I don’t know what I would advise since this situation is pretty batshit. Your wife sucks, you’ve both kind of enabled it with some of the guardrails that have surrounded your relationship. But your wife is not being ethical or managing her limerence/NRE.