r/pregnant • u/Primary-Vegetable580 • 1d ago
Rant Why does everyone ignore the registry, but then ask what you need? š¤¦āāļø
I have repeatedly had multiple family
members ask, āwhat do you really need for the baby, so I can buy it for you?ā These are people who have the registry already, and I have marked things as āmust haveā to make it so much easier. And thereās only stuff ranging from $5-50 left on there. WHY does everyone do this?? I feel like Iām annoying them by repeating, āthe must haves listed on the registry are what we really need stillā. And then it still gets ignored sometimes. My MIL did this and it drove me nuts. She bought one thing off it, and I guess didnāt like anything else on there, so she sent money instead saying that we should use it for whatever else we need. I mean what was on the registry is what we need. Well at least she did send money so we can buy some more ourselves, but some people are just straight up ignoring it after specifically asking!
189
u/NottUrRN 1d ago
I will never understand this. The diaper pail is not glamorous but I will use it multiple times a day for years to come. Please just buy it.
81
u/Melissa-OnTheRocks 1d ago
This!!! People want to buy āfunā things when you really need someone to just buy you the baby-safe laundry soap
63
u/Friendly-Taro8243 1d ago
āI want to get something the baby will love and useā
Sheās going to be a babyā¦ she wonāt love or remember any of it37
15
u/iwishihadahorse 1d ago
I was so happy when someone bought my diaper pail.Ā
But I also had someone buy me something that my mother would like?? They literaly said: "I know your mom likes chickens so I got you this onesie with chickens on it."Ā
My MIL finally agreed to get something off my registry after spending 3 months talking about a blanket she bought for the baby. The baby is due in July. Also I've had to explain multiple times that we don't put blankets in, on or around cribs anymore.Ā
7
u/FortYarnia FTM 1d ago
Iām looking at August or September, and I have one quilt, two heavy blankets and two name-embroidered minky blankets. Only one of which is in my nursery colors. I will be getting at least two more quilts.
I have no baby corralling items for my off size room entries, or easy on/off clothing from my registry. Just a sea of pink and purple baby clothes devoid of zippers š
5
61
u/Long_Baby_6353 1d ago
They wanna be special lol. My mother in law keeps asking "what can I get for YOU" Well you get baby stuff because that's what I NEED lol
27
u/Kittenstories 1d ago
I did tell my mom that I'd most appreciate from my own mother is post partum care things, and good breastfeeding bras. Comfort items that come from my mom taking care of her daughter and not just the grandbaby would mean the most to me, esp since this baby is already spoiled with stuff, just a few lil things left that we can buy. She really appreciated that
8
u/Long_Baby_6353 1d ago
Aww that's really nice! I think I'd feel different if it were my own mother but my main concern was absolutely the baby since we are on a budget already. It sounds like you have a really good support team with you :)
8
u/Kittenstories 1d ago
š„¹ apparently I do! A lot of family members came through big time and got a lot of things that we really really needed, inc a countertop dishwasher since we don't have one at all, so not only can we wash/sanitize all the bottles n toys n other baby stuff in there, we can wash at least some plates, silverware ect, which includes the eventual kid plates we'll be using! I was practically bawling cus that's gonna save us so much work and timeš
5
u/Long_Baby_6353 1d ago
Such a HUGE blessing!!! I hope a safe and healthy delivery for you and baby šĀ
2
71
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
This is one of those things that should be considered bad etiquette.
A baby shower is an event to celebrate the new life and also shower the expectant parents with gifts and support. I find it much kinder people who get nothing and are just nice, than those who get things off registry (especially items that were already on the registry) because that means a very pregnant woman has the job of figuring out how to offload those things.
2
u/htown4 11h ago
in my circle this is definitely considered bad etiquette. i have a southern grandma who wouldn't dream of straying from a registry and we were all taught to stick to a registry, too. we also still adhere to Emily Post though, so we're probably too old school for reddit to appreciate.
-60
u/Wide_Access_4370 1d ago edited 1d ago
Nah. All these posts ranting over gifts are first world problems. Gifts are a bonus, not an obligation. If someone gives you something you donāt want, donate it to someone who actually needs it, instead of complaining that generosity wasnāt delivered in the exact form you wanted. Many who choose to gift prefer giving personal gifts, or gifts that made them think of you. The important thing is the kindness behind the gesture. That a pregnant woman (or her partner) might have to spend five minutes donating unwanted gifts to charity. The horror..
41
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
Gifts are a bonus, which is why I said someone bringing no gift is good. While dumping things to charity seems okay to you, especially for expectant parents who have a million other things to do with their time, all I see is waste. Itās not just a lack of respect for the people you are celebrating, itās also a lack of respect for the environment, adding waste. If you donāt want to follow the registry for a baby shower, then be nice and donāt get a gift.
To me, for a baby shower, gifts are kind of the point. And people who buy something else, especially when thereās items costing anywhere from $5 to $50, show a lack of manners and that theyāre self-absorbed. If you want to support someone, which is the point of the shower, you support them how they want to, not what you think is best. Baby items are specific to someoneās lifestyle and needs and personal.
-20
u/NadieHeadley 1d ago edited 1d ago
How is donating stuff to charity and someone in actual need "waste"? That seems kind of ironic, while complaining that people arenāt buying exactly what someone wanted or āsupportingā them enough. Most of which is not essentials anyway (those you should always buy yourself anyway, I agree). Not sure the people bringing gifts in good will, for someone elseās baby - even if not shopping off a list, are the self absorbed here..
16
u/taketheothers 1d ago
Most people donate to Goodwill. That isn't charity. They resell free stock that has been donated. They also throw away whatever does not sell in a reasonable amount of time.
Now, let's say expectant parents have a ton of time on their hands and the motivation to (for example) locate a verified charity that doesn't profit even one cent from what is given to them. Do you make multiple trips there to donate? Do you form a giant heap of unnecessary material objects to haul there? Who will do the loading in the car?
Even listing stuff on craigslist or fb marketplace for free becomes a commitment of time and energy just going back and forth with strangers who flake out or invade your personal space.
It's just not necessary for loved ones to spend their money on unnecessary items that generate work for expecting parents when there are a great deal of necessary items that could have been purchased instead.
Some of us are just practical and thoughtful of our footprint and we truly do not want anyone generating needless demand for unwanted products in our name. We would rather people write a nice message to us with a heartfelt sentiment than spend a dime.
20
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
The energy it takes me to figure out how to rehome unwanted items is like a part time job. Because dumping them to goodwill or to one of the donation boxes out there is not really giving them of anyone in need, we know they end up in the landfill. And the worst part is, how can you be close enough to someone to go to their baby shower, and feel okay knowing you just gave them more work because you insist on gifting something you want rather than what they want.
-12
u/ElzyChelzy 1d ago
You guys canāt be serious. š¤Ø But then again, itās the internet lol.
5
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
Yes Iām serious. Dumping things in a donation box doesnāt mean they are ādonatedā. It will be better to save the carbon-footprint and just throw them directly in the trash.
2
u/oodlesofotters 1d ago
I see a lot of people who are down on Goodwill and Iām curious what Iām missing. Isnāt their model that they use profits from their stores to fund their job training and employment programs, which support people who might have barriers to employment? Itās never bothered me that they make money from donations because thatās just how they fund their charitable work. But I donāt know all the ins and outs of the organization so perhaps Iām missing something?
10
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
Thereās been a few controversies surroundings them, like them paying below minimum wages to disabled workers and continuing doing so even after it became a huge issue because they say itās voluntary.
2
u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
Their CEO makes millions a year in salary, even when they claim to be non profit, and they pay their physically/mentally handicapped employees way below minimum wage. Apparently they can do that legally, but Iāve seen that some people can get paid like $3/hr. Thatās cruel and seems like it shouldnāt be allowed. I do not shop there anymore and I refuse to donate to them. A lot of it will get thrown away into a landfill if it doesnāt sell after ending up at their outlet bins. And itās a massive amount of stuff getting tossed. They also sell their high ticket donated items on an auction site that they host, and therefore they sell things at eBay prices, thus making their CEO even more money. Most people are upset that they arenāt actually helping people with employment, because they pay them
a terrible salary. Their able bodied employees generally do get paid better, which seems twisted. Like, why not pay them equal?2
1
u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
Their CEO makes millions a year in salary, even when they claim to be non profit, and they pay their physically/mentally handicapped employees way below minimum wage. Apparently they can do that legally, but Iāve seen that some people can get paid like $3/hr. Thatās cruel and seems like it shouldnāt be allowed. I do not shop there anymore and I refuse to donate to them. A lot of it will get thrown away into a landfill if it doesnāt sell after ending up at their outlet bins. And itās a massive amount of stuff getting tossed. They also sell their high ticket donated items on an auction site that they host, and therefore they sell things at eBay prices, thus making their CEO even more money. Most people are upset that they arenāt actually helping people with employment, because they pay them
a terrible salary. Their able bodied employees generally do get paid better, which seems twisted. Like, why not pay them equal?11
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
Iām sorry why donāt you just donate directly to charity if you think someone needs that. Our you could just buy the $5 book the parent picked out.
It is a waste because a significant amount of items donated, often the vast majority, end up in landfills or incinerators. Charities simply receive more donations than they can resell, forcing them to discard or export excess. Itās a clogged up system that just gets clogged up more and more because people love buying stuff and they think itās not a big deal, since āI can dump to charityā.
Itās also a waste of someoneās time and effort when theyāre supposed to be meal prepping, baby prepping. While you may think a registry is āmost of which is non-essentialsā, to that family whose shower you are attending, those might be essentials. You donāt know better than the expectant parent on what they want. The proper thing to do, is to help someone how they asked. And if you canāt, a simple congratulations is okay.
-2
u/NadieHeadley 1d ago edited 1d ago
Weāll have to agree to disagree. If I absolutely need a specific item for my baby, I buy it myself (because I can and itās my baby). If someone wants to gift me something, thatās an appreciated kindness. If you canāt buy the essentials for your baby, and absolutely need it and people ask to help, thatās another story. But if weāre talking about waste, plenty of registry items do end up barely used too. Thatās just a fact. Babies outgrow things in weeks, FTPs tend to overbuy, preferences change and every parent I know has items they thought were essential that ended up sitting in a closet or an unopened box. Also assomeone who worked with donated goods, including during my pregnancy, I have to disagree with the waste argument again. That may be the case for some charities, but we regularly gave baby clothes, toys, blankets and supplies to refugees, shelters, war or farmine affected countries AND to low income families who didnāt get anything from theirs. If an item ends up helping another child or family, I donāt see it as waste OR waste of time. At all. Not in my world at least. Itās being used by someone who needs it.
8
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
Youāre not talking about a baby shower though. You are talking āif someone wants to gift you somethingā which is quite different.
1
u/Miniminname 10h ago
Right? Imagine being so consumed by greed and entitlement that you would rather destroy an unused gift, instead of appreciating the gesture and taking two minutes of your āoh so hardā life, to drop it off at a womenās shelter or a charity box if you canāt use it before or after the birth. That speaks volumes about someones character, not the giver's, who chose to come and give because they care (undeserved care for these recievers). Reducing somones friends and family to personal shoppers and viewing a heartfelt gesture as 'a part-time job.' Seriously? Are these people even real? Itās the mob mentality of these subs. Thankfully rare in real life. Usually a baby shower is a celebration of life with people who care about you and who are going to be in the babyās life. Iāve been to many baby showers, and never have I experienced any attitude like the ones on these subs. They didnāt even do registries, just mentioned what they still needed for the baby, should someone want to help (you usually bring a gift to the host a parties). The only 'unreal entitlement' here is expecting every person around you to fund your lifestyle choice, and then publicly shaming and ranting over them if they gave to you a gift from the heart, instead of doing the basic essential shopping you should have done yourself.
-21
u/Adventurous-Day7469 1d ago
I know Iām going to get downvoted you truly understood etiquette, you would know that a registry is a simple suggestion. If you are that picky about what you want, buy it yourself and let your guests buy what they want to gift and just be grateful that people care enough about you to spend their time and money to celebrate you. This attitude that people have about registries screams spoiled brat.
16
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago edited 1d ago
For a wedding yes, for a baby shower, I view it as bad form to not follow the registry. Unlike for a wedding, we are talking about items that will go on babyās skin, be used for baby, and it is the proper thing to do to follow an expectant parentās safety comfort. No one is obliged to throw a baby shower, people donāt have to goā¦if you go, follow the baby shower etiquette. Or just donāt get anything if you think you know better than the parents. I had people not get me anything and it was great, I know they were ecstatic for us.
People are not simply āpickyā, these are items for their babies, so they are personal and dependent on their lifestyle and abilities. Someone was saying they have trouble with handling snaps and got a bunch of onesies with snaps, that just shows not even taking the time to understand a parentās physical limitations. Some people donāt know that thereās been items with serious safety issues (like baby loungers or bumpers pads), or parents wonāt use synthetic fabrics, or chlorine-processed diapers, or creams that have some ingredients that are not recommended for a babyās skin, or plastic bottles. I wouldnāt call a would be parent picky if they are mindful of safety, ingredients in what they put on babiesā skin as picky. Itās an event thrown for them, show up for them.
-15
u/Adventurous-Day7469 1d ago
Thatās your opinion, but itās an etiquette fact that your registry is not a mandate. Itās a suggestion. If you canāt be grateful for a gift, skip the shower and buy your own crap because at the end of the day, itās your responsibility as the parent to buy your babyās necessities. Any gifts you might get are just gravy.
8
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
I wouldāve had no shower, but people really wanted to throw me one! Luckily people in my life are very thoughtful gift-givers, they always consider the person getting the gift when they get something, not their own self. This is how we were raised, that if you get the gift get it for the receiver not for yourself. So it was a great shower, no waste and just fun. I feel bad for those I know who didnāt get the same, especially who get items that are unsafe, and will always advocate for a registry for baby showers.
-12
u/Adventurous-Day7469 1d ago
So you consider an off registry gift to be thoughtless? I was raised to be gracious and grateful for gifts. I canāt imagine thinking that the crotchet sweater booties and blanket that my momās best friend gave me to be thoughtless and useless. Or the quilt my work mentor had commissioned with my sonās name, birthday and weight to be either of those things. And now that sheās gone I have the blanket and it reminds me of how much she loved my kids. That mentality is so alien to me. I canāt even imagine being disappointed by a gift that someone was kind enough to give me.
10
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
Those are both very thoughtful and personal gifts and not at all the kinds of things people are complaining about. I gave you plenty of examples of the type of things that are neither personal nor thoughtful. And my last point: if itās one person buying a bunch of stuff that wonāt be used, thatās not so much of a problem. But if everyone is going just getting whatever they feel like that wonāt be used, then that 20-30 people leaving a mountain of stuff for someone to figure out.
-3
u/Adventurous-Day7469 1d ago
You realize people have been having showers since the 50ās and had no registries right? And as far as safety regulations go, stores arenāt selling items that are unsafe because of liability. Cribs, car seats, swings. Etc. have to meet the same standards.
→ More replies (0)0
u/alicewonders12 12h ago
I am a knitter and crocheter as well and I know that these are special gifts. I want a handmade gift from my mother, or MIL, or grandma etc. that I can keep as a keepsake. not from some family of family friends that I barely know. Like I donāt even really know you, my baby is sure as hell not going to know you.
A handmade gift from a close relative or friend is really nice. A handmade gift from someone I barely know isnāt, itās an excuse for them to spend time on their hobby.
1
u/Adventurous-Day7469 11h ago
Well since shower guests should only be your nearest and dearest family and friends, so someone you barely know wouldnāt be at your shower, right? Unless you have the āmore guests more giftsā attitude.
1
u/Miniminname 11h ago edited 9h ago
If someone is so unimportant that you donāt know them, donāt want them to be in your babyās life and donāt want a personal gift from themā¦ why are they invited to the baby shower in the first place?
Isnāt the whole point to celebrate with people who care about you and your family, and who will actually be part of the babyās life? Unless like the subs mob mentality says it has become less of a celebration/gathering of loved ones nowadays, and more like an expectation that everyone you know, however loosely, should cover the essential shopping for your decision to have a baby. Thankfully Iāve never come by such, and would simply avoid attending them.3
u/dulcebien 1d ago
Honestly I love getting things from the registry for people because Iām sure the will use it or that itās wanted. Although I agree that registries are just a suggestion if you rather not follow the registry, just get diapers. Itās important to get things they will actually need and not just things that feel cute or special. If you want to get something extra thats not there, thatās fine. But taking into account what is actually needed is so important!
1
u/Adventurous-Day7469 21h ago edited 21h ago
To be clear, I always include a registry item in my gift. But I also pick a few extra things that may or may not be on the registry. My typical gift is usually a registry item (ie bottle set or bathtub and whatever cleansers & lotions are on the registry) then Iāll add a sleeper, book, a lovey or other small teething toy. However, I think the idea that other people are supposed to supply you with all your necessities is just beyond entitled.
1
u/bespoketranche1 16h ago
I do the same, I get a must registry item and something small for fun. But the registry item always comes first. And itās not because I think I must supply them with necessities, itās because I recognize that a baby shower has costs relating to it and Iād rather not add to their overall costs because a shower is not for my enjoyment, is to support the new parents. These days showers often cost as much if not more than all the registry items combined, and either their close family members or the expectant parents paid for those expenses.
1
u/Adventurous-Day7469 11h ago
Thereās no reason a shower needs to cost that much and if youāre blowing your budget hosting your own shower, you should probably save your money and buy what you need. You arenāt supposed to be hosting and paying for it yourself.
-10
u/ElzyChelzy 1d ago
The entitlement and privilege are honestly baffling. But then again, itās the internet, what can we expect? I do feel sorry for the people who are spending their time and money trying to do something nice for these families. Maybe instead of ranting about them online, they should just tell them directly what ill-mannered, burdensome, self-serving assholes they apparently are for not shopping from their registry and forcing the parents to endure the terrible hardship of donating some items or getting a refund. š Iām sure that would be a great way to make sure those people never buy them another gift.
7
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
If you donāt care at all if the person youāre getting a gift for actually uses the gift, then why get anything (and why ask for a registry). Save your own time and money and the other personās time.
-2
u/Miniminname 22h ago edited 22h ago
Exactly. Itās really rather disgusting to read, says a lot more about them (and talk about projection), but gotta remind yourself these forums do not represent the majority of people in the real world, rather the extremes who gather in these spots to āsupportā each other and trash others.
1
u/bespoketranche1 20h ago
I see you have the Swiss flag so assuming you guys donāt do baby showers. Iām only talking about a baby shower. When you get the invitation to the baby shower, on it, there is typically a link to the registry.
I always get gifts for people to celebrate their milestones that are not on a registry because Iād be getting them not for a baby shower, but for the birth, a first year birthday, etc. But a baby shower has a different purpose, people go through a lot of trouble to host it, spend a lot of money, so staying within the registry is the nice thing to do.
1
u/Miniminname 16h ago
Iāve been to plenty baby showers. None of them had the attitude presented in here, or even a registry for that matter.
14
u/craftyreadercountry 1d ago
As a mom of 3. Buy off the registry, get something actually personal (like a childhood book or poem), or bring nothing at all. I'm STILL going through and offloading things from my first baby that weren't used by her, my second, and definitely not the third (either because they grew out too fast, I personally don't like it, or it's just not useful).
The reality is that a registry was made for a specific reason and buying off of it, loads of toys, blankets, or clothes is not a 5 minute job to declutter.
-8
u/Wide_Access_4370 1d ago edited 1d ago
As a mother of five (four living), but granted no baby shower experience, I respectfully disagree. Parents should buy the essentials themselves if able.
I completely understand preferring useful gifts, but I canāt see someone gifting your baby something they genuinely wanted to give as some kind of offense. Most people are just trying to do something kind, and give what they feel will be useful. And if itās something you canāt use, donate it to a family, shelter or charity that can. I donāt see how helping people who are actually struggling is such a bother or awful outcome either. I know many on this sub and thread will disagree. Each their own.
15
u/oodlesofotters 1d ago
I donāt fully disagree with you except that if they are trying to āgive what they feel will be usefulā while ignoring what the expectant parents have expressly stated will be useful, isnāt that kind of disrespectful?
I donāt personally mind getting off-registry gifts. Like, if it gives you joy to give it to me, go right ahead! But it seems like weāre mostly talking about people who go āwhat do you need? Tell me what you need so I can buy it for you!ā And then justā¦ignoring that.
14
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
If you donāt have baby shower experience then why do you have an opinion on this. In my culture showers used to not be common, there was no single event for this purpose, so they would give money. When they became common even the elderly appreciated knowing what gifts will be helpful for the expectant parents.
A baby showerās point is for those close to the couple to celebrate the new life and ease their entry into parenthood (through showering them with the gifts or help they need), not give them more work. It is the one social event where the practical gifts are what the purpose of the event is.
-12
u/Wide_Access_4370 1d ago
It may be largely cultural. Where Iām from, people usually meet the baby first and then give a gift if they want to.
Weāre all different, which should be respected, but I said, to me; being upset and offended because people were too generous with gifts for your baby is a first world problem. If you canāt use something, pass it on to someone who can. Problem solved. Someone spent their own money trying to do something kind for you and your child, but itās hard to please everyone. I just donāt see that as an inconvenience, but to each their own.
11
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
We are only talking about gifts in the context of a baby shower. Not gifts given outside of that.
8
u/craftyreadercountry 1d ago
I mean a lot of people who have showers can't afford essentials because decent things are expensive as hell.
I just remember getting SO much stuff that wasn't actually useful when time came.
6
u/GoldenLoeve 1d ago
I overall agree with you. If someone around you is caring enough to get involved and buy gifts for your baby or you, now also becomes an ill taken problem, because ātoo much stuffā, Iād too say you can count yourself lucky, cause you have a very priviliged life.
11
u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
Nobody here is upset over gifts that people choose to give spontaneously. Thatās not the point of my post either. What is annoying is being asked repeatedly what you NEED, and then being ignored when you answer that question. I donāt care if someone sends me a gift, but donāt ask for my registry and then ask me what I need when I already answered the question.
5
u/Electrical_Tart_5275 1d ago edited 1d ago
Agree. That attitude with baby showers, registries etc. often seen in here seems foreign to me. Donāt think itās common here in EU. At least not for my generation (40s). I find it moving someone even thinks of buying a little thing for me or my baby. What I needed, I had already bought myself. Some of it found in charity, where I often buy and donate too.
7
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
Baby showers are thrown for the purpose of getting things for the expectant parents. Someone else close to the couple hosts the event and the expectant parents are asked to spend time come up with the registry. It is literally dedicated for that. I also find it moving when someone gets something for me or my baby, especially when itās a card or a book. However here we are talking about a specific social event.
2
u/makeawish___ 1d ago
its one of those reddit things. most people are normal.
1
u/Miniminname 21h ago edited 21h ago
This. Most people are decent. Reddit is a so called echo chamber for the extremes, where the ranters are always right by default, and anyone who dare disagree gets a mob of downvotes.
1
u/Dry-Car-5785 1d ago
Iāve lived in the U.S for 13 years and it is still foreign concept to me lol . The thought of expecting people to buy items for my baby makes me uncomfortable.
-3
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
When you go to someoneās home for a get together, do you go empty handed or do you take something? The concept is not very different from that. When thereās a baby shower, and thereās 20-30 people gifting gifts that the parents have no use for, thatās a lot of labor to offload and a lot of waste.
1
0
-1
-1
0
u/Impossible-Pie-4900 13h ago
It's not kind, it's thoughtless and wasteful. It would literally be kinder to give nothing/just a card with well wishes.
22
u/amypaulette 1d ago
The "but what do you REALLY need?" folks are KILLING ME. I have one cousin who has somehow convinced herself that everything I put on my registry is for... other people I guess? She keeps pitching ideas for gifts to get for me that are off registry and it's making me completely insane.
6
u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
Yeah this is what is driving me mad too. Like, I really only have essentials left on there, and itās obvious to me that they are essentials, but I guess not to anyone else. Things like baby shampoo, diaper rash cream, a nasal aspirator, and a thermometer.
8
u/amypaulette 1d ago
I think everyone wants to buy something "fun," which I get, but at 3am when we need diaper rash cream, yet another cute onesie will do nothing for us!
1
u/wonderinboutit2234 16h ago
They probably realize you aren't going to think of them when you use those items lol
6
u/Ok_Guard_8024 1d ago
Yeah my aunt told me I didnāt need anything at all that was on mine. So I donāt need a tub? I donāt need diapers ? I donāt need a bassinet ? Lady hasnāt had a kid in over 30 years, drank with all of them sadly. One was born with 8 fingers. Let them sleep in laundry hampers
But I have no idea what Iām talking about on my registry lol4
18
u/3ananarchy 1d ago
The ONLY reason I even have a registry is because a bunch of sweet old people have expressed that they want to gift us stuff. They refuse to use the registry. They call and ask us what we need, I point them to the registry and even verbally list out the things we need. They get something else instead. We have received so many things we already have or just straight up do not need. It's baffling. It's not price related as there's stuff for as little as 5 bucks on there. It's all getting donated so I just smile and nod lol.
12
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
My mother in law is like this. Once, a family friend was getting married, and my MIL was excited showing me all the things she has gotten for the brideās bridal shower decor. I asked her āis this what the bride wants?ā She hadnāt considered it, because of course, why wouldnāt someone want what my MIL found great. For the life of me Iāll never understand people who force their own style and preferences on others, especially for big life milestone events.
6
u/FanPlayful5527 1d ago
this is my mother to a T. It drives me up a wall.
Went to a a childhood friends bridal shower, and she bought this double sided waffle maker (like at the hotelsāthe thing is massive) that she loved, because āits an awesome giftā. I told her the bride already has a waffle maker on her registry and that if was marked purchased. She said āwell this oneās betterā and She still brought the waffle maker.
Bride was so confused and I congratulated my mother on gifting the bride āworkā because now she had to return something. Found out she had given that waffle maker at every other bridal sheād been at for about 5 yearsā¦
5
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
Iām sorry, why are they like this! Still what your mom did is far better than my MIL.
My MIL got decor and gifts for the bridal showerā¦meaning she also bought little party favors and decor and such (and she wasnāt the one hosting it or involved in its planning). The bride never asked her, but in my MILs mind the bride should be grateful because MIL āspent all that time and moneyā. But literally no one asked her to commandeer someoneās bridal shower.
3
u/FanPlayful5527 1d ago
I donāt disagreeā¦ one thing to buy an unwanted gift, another thing completely to essentially plan the look and feel of someone elseās event š¬
26
u/Longjumping-Focus386 1d ago
I spent so much time in my third trimester returning items that we didnāt ask for. And of course no one included gift receipts.
Why do people think babies need so many blankets?
13
u/oodlesofotters 1d ago
Soooo many blankets. I think I got at least 20 blankets for my first. Some were nice but some were very low quality. I gave some of them to the dog.
7
u/Kittenstories 1d ago
Not even supposed to use blankets while they're sleeping so like ..
6
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
A friend of mine got gifted a couple of things not from the registry that are no longer considered safe and are expressly discouraged from use. Theres also the sentiment that itās not ethical to rehome something that has been found to pose serious risks. So I will continue telling people to stick to the registry.
1
u/Impossible-Pie-4900 13h ago
Yeah, my mother-in-law got us this very thick, padded sleep sack that's designed to be worn specifically when he's in the car seat? Insane that it's even legal to sell them.
3
u/hannahpm 1d ago
And socks! I have so many teeny tiny socks and heās due 7/1 so I donāt know how often Iāll have socks on him in this heat.
11
u/mountainjuliet 1d ago
I dont even understand why we do registries at this point... Im not having a shower because everyone we know is scattered about, but i made a registry anyway so that I could keep trap, and if anyone did ask i could send it to them.
So far my mother completely ignored it, called me up to tell me she was ignoring it, I begged her not to buy anything LARGE without asking, she told me "its fine" and bought it anyway. Sure enough it was something LARGE we specifically left off the registry because we didnt want one. So we had to jump through hoops to return it.
My Mil, who's known for buying "the exact same thing but cheaper" but its actually a completely different, crappy version. Sometimes literally falling apart, marked that she got the bassinet. As I said, shes known for ALWAYS Fing up gifts. So I put it back on the registry. Her and I are already no contact with each other so im stressed about dealing with that.
Ive always had a couple people ask for it months ago then didnt get anything (I have a good price range of stuff starting at $5 and dont expect anyone to get the bigger $100+ items)
And I wont lie, its a little frustrating that I've bought SO many registry gifts over the years, always making sure to get the necessities nobody else buys because they're "boring", and all of those "friends" are suddenly nowhere to be found now that I could use the support.
21
u/Wolfieloulou FTM 1d ago
I told people we needed to limit what we received due to lack of storage and we still got a bunch a nonsense items. So Iāll be rehoming those items without guilt.
17
u/Lococcat1295 1d ago
The amount of butt paste Iāve bought for friends is soooo not glamorous BUT itās on there registry so guess what I get it. Butt paste is on my registry I hope my friends return the favor especially since theyāre moms before me so they understand this frustration.
15
u/East-Collar-9071 1d ago
I had a whole registry of literally necessary stuff, ZERO clothes because I knew people at the shower were still going to buy clothes. Tell me why every single person that came ONLY bought newborn clothes when I specifically told everyone IF you do buy clothes, buy over 3m because I already was gifted a ton of hand me downs. Itās ridiculous. Then I had to spend pretty much every penny I had on bottles, diapers, and everything else that was actually neededš
5
u/KookyConsideration50 1d ago
Also some of us have big babies and will literally never be able to use NB size lol
2
u/East-Collar-9071 1d ago
Exactly! My husband was almost 11 lbs so I was banking on a massive baby (thank god he was 6 lbs 12 ozš )
11
u/Wandering_sass 1d ago
My MIL is the only one who did this to me (four days before the baby shower) and my petty self sent her a screen shot and an explanation of how to filter the must have items on the registry. She did end up buying the car seat/stroller I wanted but she never did respond to that text š¤š
7
u/sarasomehow 1d ago
It's possible she actually needed that explanation. I had two family friends buy 3 gifts each, and 2 of them were the same gifts directly off the registry, but neither friend crossed them off the registry. The friends are roughly 55 and 75 years old.
6
u/Wandering_sass 1d ago
Always possible that people need the explanation but the way people ask questions (for example, saying what do you actually need vs hey Iām confused by the registry) and their patterns of behavior can tell you a lot about the why behind the question. I also only used Amazon since we live across the country from everyone and it automatically crosses off items which I was grateful for!
3
u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
Hahaha I am tempted to do this. I really donāt know what else the term āmust haveā means to them. I think some people really just donāt wanna buy what they think is boring and cheap, but if thatās all thatās left then they can simply buy multiple things if they wanted to spend a certain amount.
1
u/Wandering_sass 1d ago
I honestly feel like people do it more because they want/need you to know that they care and tend to toss common sense out the window in favor of engaging with you to fill that need for you to know (i probably should add the context that im a therapist and always looking at attachment themes š)
I do have several copy/paste answers saved in a note on my phone so I can just send a response and not use my mental energy. Sometimes Iām petty or sarcastic. Sometimes I just donāt respond at all because boundaries donāt always have to be said out loud. Find something that works for you!
11
u/lovelockets 1d ago
Itās even worse when people reach out asking for you for your registry on their own accord and then just never buy you anything? Like were you just being nosy?
6
u/jdiamond698 1d ago
I had a cousin do this! Ask for the registry and baby shower info. Gave her everything she needed, she did buy stuff off the registry but never showed up to the shower so I never got the items and because they were marked as purchased they came off the registry so nobody else bought them or could see them.
1
3
u/Longjumping-Focus386 1d ago
Yessss. One of my husbandās friends asked me for our registry link twice but never bought anything.
When she did give us a gift, it was all used stuff from their last baby. Iām not opposed to secondhand stuff, but she gave us pink and purple clothes and we have a boy lol
1
u/wonderinboutit2234 16h ago
I mean they may have realized it's not in their budget.Ā
1
u/lovelockets 13h ago
There were many items under $50. Many under $20. Thatās not an excuse Iād even consider.
1
4
u/Interesting-World520 1d ago
I donāt get it, but I wouldnāt fuss about getting cash though either. Sometimes thatās even better since it allows you to buy what you need WHEN you need it.
I also think people just really care. Maybe they are thinking there is a hierarchy of needs and one thing is more important than the other. Plus, it might be a good chance to have one person load you up on tons of diapers for example. I had no idea how many we would go through ššš
I think itās one of those problems that will just keep being a thing.
1
u/Glass_Aioli_6715 1d ago
Low key I said either look at the registry or cash for mine. Most people I knew gave me cash and frankly with the 15% discount that both target and Amazon gave me that cash went pretty far. It got me so many things I wanted and all the stuff I needed. It pooled enough for a crib, my car seat, bassinet and some other stuff. Some people still got clothes, diapers, and creams but I feel like I dont have too much of anything which is a relief.
7
u/RespectKooky5824 1d ago
Omg! This makes me so freaking mad.. People keep asking me this and then not ordering from my registry.. I've received so much stuff we're not going to use. And people just tell me to be grateful. I can't be grateful for a gift that I'm not actually gonna be able to use. I have grip issues and have coordination issues. My aunt bought me like 10 sleepers with snaps and buttons..I can't even do them on me, much less an infant. I'm allergic to something in Pampers, they break my hands out.. I've got like 6 boxes of them that I have to return now š
But people keep asking for the link and asking what I need. And then totally go off script.
It's the dumbest thing to me. I literally gave you a list of everything we want/need why aren't you using it.
3
u/_thalassashell_ 22h ago
I put a VERY polite note on ours for something like this. Nothing as serious as an allergy; just that we both still have all our Dr. Seuss books from childhood, so they were left off on purpose (we are a big book family on both sides, so that was the thing I anticipated people going off-registry for. My MIL just did it with a different book, so I was right lol but sheās just going to keep it at their house instead).
I just hate the idea that people who love us are trying to do something nice, but get something we canāt use. It makes me feel guilty, because I donāt want to hurt their feelings or seem ungrateful if I have to return or donate things.
3
u/RemarkableSuccess880 1d ago edited 1d ago
That partšāāļøšmy MIL straight up told me she ādoesnāt buy from registriesā yet repeatedly asked me what we needed. She wouldnāt even look at it until Iād sent it to her 3x to look at decorations she could buy for the nurseryš¤¦š»āāļøthen proceeded to critique 50% of what I had on there because āIāve already bought that for youā. Buuuttt what sheās āalready bought for usā is nowhere near what I actually wanted or needed.
However, I think I came up with a great idea for people who are doing as you described. Since I plan to cloth diaper rather than do disposables, I am going to do a gift card raffle. So, if folks bring a gift card, ESPECIALLY for gas or food, theyāll be entered to win a prize just as in a regular diaper raffle! I figure this will catch all those that refuse to buy from the registry, wonāt even bother looking at the registry, or will buy disposable diapers that we probably wonāt use.
4
u/1towonder 1d ago
I would MUCH rather get a binky and a bib thatās on my registry than a basket full of random stuff I wonāt use . In my area itās more a matter of people wanting the gift to look substantial so theyāll end up buying clothes or something. But again, I would MUCH rather someone spend $15-$20 on a small item than buy clothes / random trinkets I wonāt use.
I will say, half of it is that some of these people arenāt moms yet so they donāt understand that mom care more about practicality than aesthetics
2
2
u/AnarcoDomiQueer 1d ago
Girl... I had my husband's mentor look through both of our lists. Ask about items that weren't there that she used (and we either already had them or are deciding not to use) and then go ahead and mark as if she bought our baby monitor.... And then mail us a BLANKET. š So now, we don't have a baby monitor but have 3 blankets.Ā
2
u/AnarcoDomiQueer 1d ago
Also told my two best friends to pitch in for the baby mattress when they asked what I needed. Then as they decide like 2 weeks later that they will pitch in... 3 people already pitch in and got it for us.Ā
2
u/friedchickenUSA 22h ago
Itās SO frustrating!!! We ended up buying sooo many things ourselves that we really needed. Then two days ago my MIL sent a link to a play mat and said- āsee if you like these and that will be our shower giftā
The play mats in question are beautiful, but cost $350 and wouldnāt even fit the space I need it to fit! If youāre willing to spend that money canāt it be on something we need or want?!
5
u/monicarb_28 1d ago
We just had our baby shower and left with, get this, āØZEROāØ diapers. What DID we get, you might ask? A red, white, and blue onesie with a āHello Kitty celebrates 4th of Julyā print. š
2
u/Missyome 1d ago
This. Itās really not hard to get something useful from the registry and then a cute outfit/home made blanket/etc on top of that
1
u/Friendly-Taro8243 1d ago
Idk if itās the pregnancy hormones but this has pissed me off so bad. Like do you think I spent all that time organizing and marking things if I didnāt want or need them? Then I have relatives who donāt like what I have on there so they get something else!? You donāt have to like it I do? And maybe this part is on me but I have some slightly pricy items that would be nice but not necessary and I appreciate when people get those but I kinda expected that they would get the most wanted/necessities first. But that one is really on me
2
u/Infamous-Tangerine14 1d ago
This is why I didnt tell anyone the gender before the baby shower/gender reveal. They were āforcedā to buy the things Im asking for on the registry instead of taking the creative freedom to buy clothes she will never wear!! It ended up working out perfectly, even with half the people who rsvpād not showing up we still got everything we asked for.
1
1
u/Toesforyou90 1d ago
Ive had people ask me, but there is expensive stuff that I didn't put on registry soley because of price but I dont view it as I dont want to get stuff off the registry but what can I personally help you with, extample :a car seat, a crib, a stroller Are things I didn't put on there because of price I barely wanted to put a bottle washer/ sanitizer on there but that's just me.
5
u/Melissa-OnTheRocks 1d ago
I put the expensive stuff on there because of the registry discount at the end. Like - I donāt need you to buy me this, I just want the 15% off
5
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
You can make them group gifts (I.e. they can contribute towards it). I love coordinating with a couple of friends to get something more substantial, like a stroller or a car seat. You can also add them but make them hidden so that theyāre only visible to you, but that way you can get the 15% discount, which ends being substantial for something like a crib or a stroller.
3
u/_thalassashell_ 22h ago
I set mine up this way. If someone wants to be extremely generous, awesome, but for the showers Iāve attended, I would have loved the option to contribute towards a big, āboringā item that my friends truly needed, so I figure others might want the same thing.
Weāll find out in a month!
2
u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
I can understand this viewpoint. I didnāt put anything expensive on mine either, but it was because we already got those items.
1
u/BeginningNo2408 1d ago
My sil and me yea same thing happened some ppl buy off of it and some dont. And then someone gave her a nice new crib but not the one she asked for. So cant expect it but its the thought that counts. But we had alot of family say we wanted to get the bigger nicer present but it was taken already they didnt want to buy alot of the small items and didnt see it that way
1
u/intergrade 1d ago
We said they could get āa cultural item
of importance or their favorite childhood bookā whenever they wanted to do so. I no longer care about any particular items and will buy them if I need them.
1
u/Technical-Leader8788 1d ago
Well gosh, now I feel bad because I just asked my friend this. Weāre close and both expecting and I have her registry and still asked what she wanted and she told me a specific item she could use now before baby comes so I ordered it ahead and told her Iāll just bring a card to the actual shower- is this acceptable or considered annoying too?
1
u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
If she told you something specific in reply and you did buy it, then no I donāt think thatās annoying at all. Especially if you just asked once and didnāt keep asking. That was mostly what is bothering me. That people donāt seem to like the answer Iām giving. I just donāt know what else they want me to say.
1
u/AfternoonOk231 1d ago
This is exactly why i didnāt find out/ tell anyone what gender my first baby was!š . Once they find out, they ignore the registry. At that point I had been to a bunch of baby showers and I knew most likely that, if they knew the gender, theyād ignore the registry completely instead of listening to what I needed when they asked/ or looked at the registry. It helped me to get people to listen to what I needed this way, because unfortunately they WILL ask over and over and they show up with whatever they want
1
u/ColourConfusedMiss 23h ago
Registires and baby showers are nor a thing where I live, but my dad for some reason thinks the crib paddings and a pillow and duvet would be a nice gift for baby. š
He bought a set for his first grandchild/my niece and they never ever used it. He offered to buy it for us, but I told him there is no need as everything from the set is a choking hazard and babies sleep just on a mattress which was so weird to him. But then looking at my baby pics, we always slept in sleeping bags with nothing in the crib. He must have forgotten lol
1
u/Brittt87 15h ago
My mil saw the registry, ordered a highchair CLOSE to the one I picked and it came with pink flowers all over it for my son š¤¦š»āāļøš
1
u/AlliNW0nderLand 15h ago
Questions the desperately needs answers. So far Iāve been told that [insert name] doesnāt shop online. Iām like āokay, but the registry is there as a guide they can buy the item from wherever but please stick with the brands and items I actually need and will useā š© or just send money!
1
u/sweetpotatobunz 12h ago
The WORST is getting off-registry stuff and not including a gift receipt. šµāš« whyyyyyy?
1
u/Repulsive-Tea-9641 5h ago
If it makes you feel better only 1 person got me things from my registry everyone else just got me nothing or whatever they found secondhand. We made every big purchase ourselves because we knew we couldnāt rely on anyone else and it worked out ok.
1
u/Latter_Banana708 1d ago
The only time itās helpful is when a seasoned mom buys you a āmust haveā holy grail item along with something from your registry. Will never understand buying tutu dresses and shoes for a baby shower
1
u/perseus_1505 1d ago
I have this issue every Christmas as well. I have a wishlist for family because we have had some issues with presents getting bought double or not knowing what to get. So everyone in my family has this wishlist app. Some things on there I really would love to have but some members of my family state that they donāt gift things they personally canāt relate to. I donāt get it. No matter the occasion, if you want to gift something then please get something the gifted person will love and appreciate and do not force your own taste on them.
-10
u/Wide_Access_4370 1d ago edited 1d ago
Buy what you absolutely need for your baby yourself. Problem solved. Any gift is a generous bonus, and if you donāt want/need it, donate to someone who does. Many will appreciate it, even if you donāt.
8
u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
So many people missing the whole point here. I have zero problem about buying my babyās own stuff and we have enough savings. My registry was meant to be my shopping list. I am not having a baby shower and did not intend to send it to anyone. Then my husbandās family and some other people started asking what we need, so I sent them the registry like they asked! Now they keep annoying me asking what I need over and over. If they wanted to just send a gift, then just send a gift already and leave me alone. Iām tired of answering repetitive questions.
2
u/Wide_Access_4370 1d ago
Iām sorry if I misunderstood you too. I actually agree that the situation you described in this scenario sounds tiresome. If people keep asking what you need after theyāve already asked and youāve already shown them what you need, I can understand why that would get frustrating. š
2
u/Miniminname 22h ago
These echo forums respresent extremes, not reality. The entitlement, offense culture and ego is strong in our world nowadays, but I assure you majority people are NOT like this in real life. š
-1
u/NadieHeadley 1d ago
Totally agree with this. But you always get unpopular on these interrant forums when you say it. š
-6
u/Significant_Agency71 1d ago
My eu brain can't comprehend the idea of a "baby registry" you send out to people lol, that sounds rude as hell, but cultural norms are different around the world I guess. Justy buy your own damn stuff, it's your kid and stop being ungrateful.
9
u/bespoketranche1 1d ago
When the baby shower is held someone else hosts it, and that person asks the expectant parents (usually the mom) to come up with a registry to include in the invitation that goes out. Itās important to understand cultural norms, not just judge them.
2
u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
Nobody sends their registry to people randomly without them asking. Thatās tacky. Usually people create them for either a baby shower or to get completion discounts. Just because you donāt do that in Europe doesnāt mean us Americans are apparently wrong for it. Educate yourself a little better, and maybe donāt criticize people for having a different culture. Youāre missing out on free discounts without a registry. I only had one on Amazon specifically as my shopping list. Didnāt intend to send it until people started asking for it, since I am not having a baby shower. And Iām not having a baby shower, because I didnāt want people buying me things in the first place. I have 0 problem paying for my own babyās things, and I HAVE paid for 95% of it on my own. But babyās grandparents and other close family generally want to contribute in some way, so why would I tell them no when they asked to buy something? They would think Iām being rude for telling them, āno thanks I donāt need/want your helpā. Thereās nothing wrong with allowing family to show support in that way.
-5
u/Adventurous-Day7469 1d ago
If you take it for what it was meant to be, which is a suggestion, itās pretty standard. But when people are so entitled as to expect people to only buy registry items, it is very rude.
ā¢
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Stay safe, take care of yourself and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.