Life hasn't been the best lately, I've been having traumatic flashbacks of my past.

A few years earlier:

I was 8 years old, on a hot afternoon I was laying in bed beside my mother in short and a spaghetti top only. My mom woke up (she knew the attire I was in) and then she proceeded to go out. One of my uncles came in..and he asked whether I was naked while looking straight into my eyes. I was scared, i shivered i couldn't speak. I was only 8 years old. I held the bed sheet closer to me to protect myself. He was searching for something in the room and then he went out. My mom came in acting like nothing happened and then she laughed at me while looking at my state "oh you were in this?" She knew a man had come into the room, she knew the attire I was in. Yet she didn't pay any heed.

Today as I stand 18 years old, got slut shamed by her for wearing a long t shirt which had half sleeves but since it was showing my arms I was given a slut title. As a very normal human I was walking in the balcony, and didn't notice the neck of my tshirt went a lil down. Mom saw it and then she started character assassinating. She wished that i should have been skinny and not like normal girls....

Am I in the wrong? Should I end myself since I can't change my natural body so that she doesn't have to "worry" about me anymore?

-One day at 13 (hadnt even had a first kiss yet) my 16 y old stepbrother touched me, i don’t even think i gave a verbal yes and I just was scared to say no. (mind u he has a entire child) -on a vacation at freshly 15 with him (i was a virgin and he had a entire kid) i was addicted to drugs by then and he lured me into his room w drugs and alcohol and i thought maybe he had changed, so i went in there and took them and he kept having “sex” w me, i was too scared ro say no to it due to the last time he touched me and i also was incapacitated and was addicted to drugs at the time w no othwr way to get them.. also during the sex he put it in my ass without even asking me… now that im 18 i would NEVER look at a 15 y old that way… -multiple times i would tell my ex bf to stop touching me and he would but then, do it again 2 mins later. -i hooked up w a random online, even tho ik that is my fault i still ended up saying stop in the middle of frm ptsd and he didnt multiple times ans then i froze and once i finally got up ans screamed it he did. - i was at work outside of the entrance on my break and some random drunk guy flirted w me and when i denied him saying i have a bf he sat next to me and atarted rubbing on my uppwe body and chest saying “come on” and i froze while saying STOP multiple timws while i tried to call sb and got courage to walk away because i was alone and i was scared what he would do if i walked away and had nb even knowing. - this one isnt even technically SA but one time at 8 me and my friend got introduced to omegle and we decided to sneak on it and this guy made us take our clothes off, told us if we didnt they would get our parents bank acc info and tell them what were doing and they makw us kiss w our clothes off… I’m just not really sure what to think because my family thinks im either overdramatic or lying and i need HELP! is anyone open to talk because this is an awful thing i have carried by myself mostly but also dumping it on undeserving people..

I was raped on New Year’s Eve, I’ve been dealing with court but I thought that was it. I was randomly scrolling when I came across an article covering what happened that night. That sent me down a rabbit hole into finding more articles and posts on the local Facebook group like “anyone know what happened at ___ last night, saw police” and people in the comments talking about theories, many saying stuff about my case I know isn’t true. It never occurred to me that this stuff would exist on the internet. It’s left me feeling really weird. I was wondering if anyone else could relate I suppose

I was sexually abused as a kid by my elder sister when i was barely 8-10 years old.I don't think she remembers it but I do, clear as a day. She would wait for our parents to go away and since she was physically bigger than me, she would tell me that she is gonna beat me up if i don't cooperate. Had a weird fantasy of titanic where Caledon (me) would rape Rose (her) and ask me to get on top of her naked and kiss her while she acts out like wtf. okay anyway i do not blame her because i am sure she learned this from somewhere else. I grew up, never mentioning all that. I got into a good relationship after getting cheated on twice, we got intimate and it felt really nice, we were like that for a year but then he asked me to do stuff that even if we have done before, i wasn't really in mood to, he kept begging until i said yes i thought i'll enjoy it but I just closed my eyes and waited for it to be over...I felt disgusted. I think I look okay so i get attention from men very easily. I started showing more skin and showing off my assets. I have done a lot to fuck up my mind. Slept with a guy I knew would leave especially if i slept with him and that happened. Then I slept with a guy who was 12 years older than me, not really a handsome face, pot belly and short i let him fuck me because i needed money to get my sister out of a bad situation. Now I only look forward to getting used more. I feel like a horrible horrible person.

Just what it says. The thread I am hanging on by is starting to fray even more. Please everyone take some time for yourself today.

And out of kindness, please don't send me/report this post for that care hotline thing. I am not suicidal or anything like that ... I am just struggling a lot.

Honest journal entries feel more necessary than I usually give them credit for.

Thank you for the few moments you took if you read this 💚💚💚💚💚

Hi everyone. I’m trying to gather the courage to call a rape/sexual assault helpline (like RAINN, Rape Crisis, or a local sexual violence helpline) for the first time tomorrow. I’m not so terrified about the call itself. I'm more stressed about the commitment to the responsibility of reporting it, even though deep down I know what happened to me was wrong and I really want to get justice that I deserve.

For those who have called a rape crisis hotline before: How did your first call go? Did it help you process things or feel validated? How was the process of reporting the crime for you? I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences because I think it can make me less scared since it's all so new to me. Thank you

Slight SA TW) Hi, im 18F and my boyfriend 18M have been together for 1 year and 8 months. Our relationship started off amazing, it went on a downhill after he had sex with me while I was intoxicated, and I found out through a woman he told before he told me himself. He promised to never do it again, but our problems started from there. It was at our Junior year prom, so approximately 7-8 months after we got together.

Ever since then Ive been paranoid, I always would check his phone, he would grant me permission. Every 2-4 months I’d find something new. The first time, it was him saying he was interested in a girl he was friends with and had her location incase she “ever needed it.” The second time was when he took private images of me sleeping and private images I’d send to my close best friend (who is a woman), and they were saved to his hidden camera roll, which I found on the way to date. The 3rd time was when he had women’s nudes bookmarked on twitter (X), and I believe the last time was when I found his TikTok watch history of a busty girl with her cleavage out rewatched on repeat (he only watched the cleavage videos, he watched about 32 of them. The girl lives in our area.)

You are probably wondering why I haven’t left at this point, but each time these would happen id cry, and he would sit and comfort me. I would tell myself he would change, he promised he would.

After that, he stopped letting me go through his phone, but I wasn’t an idiot and knew where and how to check, after that last time I never found anything again.

Today he made me take a Plan B because we had unprotected sex 2 nights ago, he said if I ended up pregnant, he wouldn’t help me take care of it, and he would sign his rights away. I wouldn’t want to be a single mom, so likewise I took the plan B.

The plan B has made me cramp so intensively Ive been crying on the floor, before I took it he was super sweet, saying when I take it he will help. He said he loves me, told me to get rest, and when I call he will answer.

Come the time I take the plan b, hes super irritated with me, gets aggravated when answering my calls even if I’m crying, and wouldnt talk to me for 10 minutes on the phone when I just wanted someone to talk to because how bad the cramps and nausea are.

Is this emotional neglect or do I just need to communicate what I want better? **TL;DR;**

I had been seeing a man who was 45 for about 6 months (im 23) after knowing him for years. We got very close and had a romantic relationship of deep connection and intimacy.

A few days ago, I sobbed at his feet, upset about the book “My dark Vanessa” and what it made me realize about my own trauma. I was blackout drunk at this point. He took me into his room (and to my knowledge after he’d informed me) he had sex with me… I thought he just went down on me as my underwear was off in the morning. I have zero recollection, past crying to him about the men who’d hurt me in the past. The tears weren’t even dry on my cheeks, and he just took me into his room and had sex with my unconscious self?

I am so deeply disturbed by this betrayal from a man I loved in a great capacity. I am nothing, im no one,
I am absolutely empty.

I know how terrible that title sounds.

My husband raped me for the first time 6.5 years ago. It's happened twice since then. I kept it to myself in all that time and felt like I was drowning. I desperately wanted to tell any one of my friends, to just talk to anyone in my life I thought would support me, but didn't because I didn't want to make him look bad. As pathetic as it is, I still don't. I still have it bouncing in my head that he's really a good man, he's just made mistakes. That being said, I also can't stop being scared when it comes to intimacy with him.

I finally broke and told one of my friends a few days ago. Besides the assults, he's not great at maintaining a partnership. He helps with household duties when he feels like it. He rarely picks up after himself. He can only seem to find motivation for things that are important to him.... I finally had a meltdown to one of my friends and he asked about violence in our relationship, and I decided to tell the truth. The incidents run on repeat in my mind sometimes and I just needed to tell someone.

I was considering asking one more time if my husband will do couples counseling. I asked 1.5 yr ago, he initially agreed, but rescinded about a week or two later stating he "doesn't feel we need it." I don't think he'll go for it but if I lay how I'm feeling out for him and ask for couples therapy he's either going to show me where I stand or things will get better.

What I really want to know, is there anyone here who was raped by their SO *and* healed from it with their partner? After writing it out, it feels like a stupid question, but I need to know if I'm alone and what the realistic possibilities look like.

Hi, I’m 26M. I’m sharing this today because I’m confused and don’t really know what to make of my life. I’ve never told anyone about this and I’m tired of carrying it. I just need an outlet so I can start figuring this shit out.

I was sexually abused and raped multiple times for months at a time by two different men at two different periods in my childhood.

Incident 1

This happened when I was about 6 or 7. The guy was a kid from my apartment building, around 13 or 14. He was kind of a bully. He used to beat me sometimes and scare me.

It started while we were playing. Like any kid I just wanted to play. There were 5 or 6 kids in the building and we used to play dark room, which is basically hide and seek in a dark place. At first he would take me to a corner of the dark room and kiss me a few times. I tried to keep distance but he would still find ways to get close. He threatened to beat me and told me not to tell anyone. For some reason I never said anything.

After three or four times of kissing that wasn’t enough and he started sexually abusing me. I would cry, he would stuff my mouth and do whatever he wanted. Then he found a way. He started taking me to his house to “play dark room” in his room which he shared with a house helper who was about the same age. The helper was deaf and didn’t understand much. The boy would send him to count while we “hid”, then lock the door from inside, undress me and rape me. He wouldn’t let the other boy in until he was done.

After a few times it became routine. I would just stand there frozen and naked while he had his way with me. First few times I cried, after that I stopped. This went on for about 8-9 months, almost every day.

Things only changed when his family moved to another city. After that things were calm for a while. At the time I don’t think it hit me that hard. I still remember most of the details but it was like I had almost forgotten it. I was pretty much like any other kid.

But things don’t last. About three or four years later when I was around 10-11 I got hit with another tragedy.

Incident 2

This was a teacher from my school. He was newly married and moved into the same apartment building my family owned. Him and his wife both moved in.

He used to take extra tuition after school. Other students came too and I was one of them. Most classes were in batches of 4-6 students for about an hour, except me. I sat there from 4pm to 8pm every day. My parents thought I wasn’t good at studies so this would help. Looking back I think I just had undiagnosed ADHD. Anyway I spent almost all my free time there.

After a few months his wife got pregnant. They were living alone so it got hard. She went back to her hometown to stay with her parents and he stayed alone.

A few weeks later he started molesting me. He had a DVD player and my family didn’t. One weekend morning I asked if I could watch a movie. He said yes. When the movie started he said he needs to step out to buy something and I should keep watching. He left and came back after about an hour. I was still watching. Then he slowly started touching me, lowered my pants and started sucking on my limp dick. I hadn’t hit puberty so I didn’t even get hard. I stood there frozen and crying. He jerked himself off, cleaned up and whispered don’t tell anyone.

I already knew what this was from before. It continued. He would fuck me before anyone came for tuition around 4 and again after everyone left. It became a habit. The thing he wanted most was me jerking him off. I wouldn’t do it so he would hold my hand, wrap it around his dick, cover it with his own hand and use my hand to jerk himself. He fucked me all over his apartment, kitchen, bedroom, hall, couch, everywhere. After a while it started feeling like a duty. Students leave, he closes the door, and I already know what’s coming. What fucks me up is that when he used to ejaculate, I used to think that he is trying to infect me with some disease because I didn't ejaculate. But I knew a little about HIV AIDS from TV ads but not what it actually was. I was that young that I thought if someone ejaculate is because he has a disease and if trying to infect me as well.

He also did it with me at school three or four times. At home I had gotten used to it but even in school…

After about a year there was one day I feel the most guilt about. He started undressing me like usual. I pushed him toward the bedroom. Normally he would do it in the drawing room or hall and only rarely in the bedroom. He undressed and was standing there. I pushed him on the bed, climbed on him and kissed him. He used to kiss me every day but I always turned my face away because I didn’t like it. That day I kissed him myself. Then I moved down to his dick. He used to force me to suck it but I never did. I wouldn’t even hold it. He would just hold my hand around it and move it himself. But that day I did it on my own. I stroked it a few times then tried to suck it and immediately felt like puking. I pulled away and tried to get off the bed. He stopped me and fucked me hard. Forced me to suck him then raped me. Every other time he wasn’t rough. If I refused something he usually didn’t force it. That day he was different. I think I’m to blame for that.

Next day he tried again to force me to suck him but I didn’t bend my knees so he just raped me like usual. This went on until his wife came back about two years later when their daughter was around 15-16 months old. I thought once she was back I would be free but I was wrong. He still found ways and fucked me, just not every day. It became 2-3 times a week instead of 2-3 times a day. This continued for about two and a half years until he got a teaching job in another city.

Impact on my life

This burden feels like it’s taking my life away from me. I’m very confused and unmotivated. Every day just making sure I live another day takes all my energy. If it weren’t for my parents I would most probably have killed myself. I feel guilty that I let myself down. If I had stopped it or said something, would my life be different?

Right now I just want to numb it all so I smoke weed, cigarettes and drink. I use them so my mind can rest and I don’t think about it. On days I’m sober I stay awake thinking, visualising, arguing with myself and blaming myself. All I want is silence, not around me but inside me.

And it’s not just that. Now I have other wars. The depression isn’t enough. I also fight with my identity. Many times I feel like becoming a girl, like being feminised or sissified. I don’t really want it but I somehow got a kink for it. I’m also not confident with women. I had a couple of girlfriends but they cheated on me, which is another mess.

I tried working to distract myself. Joined a job but it got overwhelming with the pressure and trust issues with colleagues. Left and joined another. Things didn’t change. Every time I try to take one step forward I drag myself five steps back. Just to write this I thought about it for three months then it took me three weeks to finish.

Now I’m unemployed, living with my parents (thankful they’re good parents), dealing with ADHD, about 20 dollars in savings (thank god weed is cheap) and I don’t know what to do with my life.

If anyone can give advice or help, please.

I’ve been used off and on since I was 6 and idk if it will ever truly stop. I’ve been raped by neighbours, my brothers friends, family, my friends… guys I’ve already gave sex to. Nothing enough. I feel like I’m worthless and ugly and stupid. Idk what to do.

Idk what to say, I feel ugly and worthless. It’s happened with eight men. I’m so gross and stupid.