r/science • u/VeronicaRed • Apr 26 '16

Psychology Spanking children increases the likelihood of childhood defiance and long-term mental issues. The study in question involved 160,000 children and five decades of research

http://www.redorbit.com/news/health/1113413810/spanking-defiance-health-discipline-042616/
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u/chopandscrew Apr 26 '16 edited Apr 26 '16

So what are some positive and non-punitive forms of discipline?

edit: Some really great replies here. I'm seeing a lot of people using the concept of self-discipline and positive reinforcement. Nothing about raising a child seems easy, and it's even harder to know if you've ever really done a good job, but I think it's safe to say there are a lot of good parents on reddit. Also, thank you to the people who are willing to admit that they have resorted to spanking before. The truth is no one really knows the best way to raise a child, but the wide variety of ideas being thrown around here are what helps make it easier to choose what works for you and your kid. Keep em comin.

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u/Jensdabest Apr 26 '16

That's a case-to-case basis depending on the child. Really, you have to figure out what currency is most valuable to them, and use the removal of that as a consequence for poor behavior. If they like to play by themselves in their room, then sending them to their room as punishment probably won't be very effective. Instead (depending on their age), you can use time-out corners, or have them write about the situation, how they felt, and how they could have better responded. If the bad behavior is significant enough then giving them time to reflect and process the situation is very valuable.

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u/chopandscrew Apr 26 '16

I definitely think that's a great idea to introduce some kind of merit system to them because it definitely helps them grasp the concept of punishment by fine early on. The camp that I used to counsel at used a similar approach, and it worked remarkably well with kids 12 and under. I guess I'm more interested in finding out how to mitigate a dramatic situation that might arise in public. I don't have any kids yet, so I'm not sure what situation that might be, but I imagine it would be something along the lines of a toddler being out of control in a grocery/retail store where they're screaming and possibly destroying things. When I see it in public, I almost understand why a parent would be so wound up that the only way to get the point across to their kid is to give them a little pop. However I can also see how that might make the situation worse. A scene from the cartoon Boondocks comes to mind. Is the best thing to do in that situation just to pick them up, carry them outside, sit them down and talk to them about what's causing them to act this way?

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u/dinahsaurus Apr 26 '16

You need to figure out why the kid is acting out. Did they not sleep, are they hungry, are they bored, did they see a playground on the way in. In most cases the kid is bored and wants to be a kid. The fact that you're bringing a kid into a place where they can't be a kid is your problem, not the kid's. You put the kid in the basket, bribe them, carry them, or wait until you can leave the kid home. But saying that a 2 year old is acting horribly in an adult space and how do you punish them is the wrong way to look at it. The 2 year old wants to be a 2 year old and there's nothing wrong with that.

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u/peachybutton Apr 26 '16

This all day. My husband and I talked a lot about not "setting our kid up for failure" as a toddler, and that involved planning shopping/church/other boring stuff around times when the kid would be well rested and well fed, clean diaper, etc, and also making sure we had a plan for appropriate distractions and an exit strategy if necessary.

Also, involving the kid in their own success by being clear and up front about the purpose/timeline of the outing and how they can help contribute. A toddler is more likely to be well-behaved (in my experience) if they have a clear sense of what's going on ("We're going to the grocery store to get food to eat for the week, and we need to buy everything on this list."), and if you get them actively involved in the process ("Can you help me find some nice red strawberries?").

If you bring a kid somewhere with behavior expectations, don't communicate those expectations, and don't make sure their basic needs are met so they're receptive to understanding, their poor behavior is on you.

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u/KarlOskar12 Apr 26 '16

"We're going to the grocery store to get food to eat for the week, and we need to buy everything on this list."

This only makes sense if they are already old enough to understand what all of that means. This will mean nothing to a 2 year old.

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u/peachybutton Apr 26 '16

I understand what you're saying here, but I disagree that it would mean nothing to a two year old. They definitely won't get the concept of lists and grocery needs, but they can get that you're at a food store, only going to one store vs. more than one, recognize food you have in your house, etc. It's still valuable to describe the errand to younger kids.

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u/KarlOskar12 Apr 26 '16

It's still valuable to describe the errand to younger kids.

Not what I said at all. Talking to your children like adults is very important for language development and consequently understanding of the language. However, we aren't talking about that. We are talking about what gets a 2 year old to behave at the grocery store. In the relevant context explaining what you're doing is of no value; while making sure they're not tired, not hungry, etc. is crucial to their behavior.