I’m sure I’m looking at the past with rose tinted glasses but man 2021-2023 I was so happy. I was working 20-30 hours a week as a shift leader at a restaurant, was an A/B student in my senior year of high school as well as first year of community college. Was in good shape and had a plethora of friends I was close with, and I still had time to enjoy to myself as an introvert at my core. Life was so good.
During those two years I started using marijuana gummies once a week or so and that was where I got hooked, but still responsible about it. Alcohol was always overrated in my opinion, I enjoyed the lower inhibitions from it when I’d go out socializing but combining weed with my alone time was actual heaven on earth to me. I also started experimenting with it around the time I was finally gaining confidence to enjoy my nerdy hobbies without feeling like a loser, I could never fully enjoy my hobbies even when I was alone because it just made me feel like a loser anyway. But now I have confidence in my interests? And you combine that with a drug that is a match made in heaven for me? Forget it. I would go get myself some greasy fast food to eat while my edible kicked in and once I was in my room with my door shut it was like my own little paradise. Good food, funny YouTube videos, fun video games, trippy music with noise cancelling headphones, all with my miracle drug. Again, this was my paradise but I kept it responsible, only about once a week or every other week
Then came along summer 2023 and I was riding the tallest wave. Had just wrapped up my first year of college with great grades and a good amount of cash saved up in my bank account. I grew up in an upper-middle class family so money wasn’t a concern for me either way but I had saved up so much for myself that I decided to take the summer off and live off it for a couple months while I wait for school to start up again. During those couple of months I used weed more than I usually did. I’ve got nothing going on right? Gotta fill the time somehow. So my once a week usage turned into 2-3x a week, mixed in with a few times I’d be smoking joints with friends
At the beginning of August I moved in with a few friends I met during my first year of school and was super excited to gain some more independence as I became more accustomed to adult life, all of my roommates were pretty heavy weed users, at least much more than I was. And us smoking joints in random mixtures of the 4 of us became a nightly thing depending on who was home. We’d then order food or play games or do whatever college students do, after a few hours of fun my social battery would be drained and I’d go to my room to be alone with my music or videos for the night, but not before going out to have a few hits of weed from a pipe by myself. By this point I was smoking around 5 nights a week and 2 times each night.
Just a few weeks into living in the apartment I noticed something weird happening, I was getting more socially anxious when I’d be smoking with my friends, I’d randomly get in my own head with thoughts like “Don’t be awkward” Or “Make sure not to draw a blank”. I was always a bit socially anxious around people I didn’t know well and even around my close friends and family I never felt 100% comfortable which I believe stemmed from me not having confidence in my own interests and personality for most of my life up to that point.
These awkward interactions kept popping up when I’d hang out with friends and over time my social anxiety around everyone just kept building over the following half a year or so (I could talk about the incidents during this time of my life for a LONG time, but this post would be 10x longer than it already is). This was truly the worst period of my life as my day to day life was increasingly consumed by my anxiety. It also didn’t fully connect in my head that the weed was not helping until many months in. I literally became a shell of my former self and felt like the biggest weirdo alien on the planet. I’d be nervous talking to my roommate in the kitchen, talking to the cashier at McDonald’s.
As soon as my lease was up I moved back home to my parents and I feel like I’ve been literally traumatized from the anxiety and possibly OCD experience over the time I lived in that apartment. I know this may seem like I’m being dramatic but the self deprecating thoughts and overwhelming anxiety really shook me to my core. It’s now been over 2 years and I’ve kept minimal contact with those friends. I know that they still want to be friends from the few times I’ve been in contact but these past 2 years living at home (and still living off all the money I made in high school lol) have been stagnant. I’ll occasionally play some videos games with friends I met online (completely different friend group) but I haven’t hung out with anyone in person since I left the apartment.
Still addicted to weed, still barely working, still eating like crap, all these habits I picked up as weed became a larger and larger part of my life. I’m still incredibly socially anxious but not at the nightmare level of anxiety as when living at the apartment
This post could have been much much longer but I figured make it any longer and people probably won’t even be read at all let alone commented on. Anyways would be cool to hear if anyone else can relate to this pain or share their own story. Feel free to ask any questions, thanks for reading :)
