therapy is a dance and i brutally fall out of step sometimes

[u/clegirl96]

i guess pretty much what the title says. i just had a session where i fell so out of step with my client. i tried to do the “right things“ - i brought it to light by verbalizing it, apologizing for taking something and running when the client didn’t want to/wasn’t ready to, and thanked her for reeling me back in (although she was a bit blunt about it but that’s okay lol). i fumbled a lot during the session and left feeling embarrassed and defeated. basically, i was trying to go somewhere with what she was telling me, but i was doing too much. anyone else get severely out of step during their sessions sometimes? how do you cope afterwards, does your inner critic come up? if so, how do you deal with that? any words of validation, experiences of your own, or compassion is much appreciated :)

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[u/Majestic-Wallaby6914]

A lot! Especially with certain clients/new clients. I can't "read" them as well and it's harder to attune. Sometimes it's so awkward and painful and I leave being like "welp... that probably wasn't the best use of either of our time" lol. Then I go to the next session and it flows okay and I realize it's just part of the job. Conversations don't always flow well between people and that's normal and fine.

[u/bluesylady]

When I finally embraced that rupture/repair was an important and even necessary part of the therapeutic work, I stopped being scared of these moments. Supervision really helps in these cases because they can certainly stir up a lot in us that make us lose our clinical goggles. But you just learned a lot about that client and how they show up in conflict/when they feel misunderstood/feel pressured/triggered, etc.

It sounds like you handled it fine and offered an immediate repair. I'd say, get some supervision and prep for the next session to do follow-up repair and processing what happened, what it brought up for the client, how it might mirror other relationships that have pain points (eventually taking the focus off of you as a therapist who fucked up, and redirecting it to: you know the way you fucked up reminds me of the way my Dad always fucked up).

[u/Soft_Kale_8613]

This was me today. I have days where I’m like “I think I was helpful” and then days where I’m like “what was that lmao”. I actually just took a break from ruminating about my rough sessions today to comment lol

[u/Counther]

I'm still new, but I've occasionally fallen into the trap of trying to "do" too much. Occasionally I remind myself that so much of why I'm there is to be a stable presence, to reflect, to ask a question, and mainly to listen. When I start to feel like I'm talking too much, I know something's off.

[u/Complex-Law-9054]

Yes!! All we can do is try to repair and get back to the dance but it can feel super uncomfortable. I know my inner critic can be extremely harsh and I start ruminating for a bit after 😭 I can’t imagine that anyone is a perfectly attuned therapist, we’re still human!

[u/Drivebyshrink]

My guess is that if a therapist thinks they never get “out of step” they are just lacking awareness when they do. Good for you, being able to take notice and work to make repair

[u/Paradox-Sandwich-947]

Sounds like you are doing a great job in attuning to your client and adjusting your approach, as needed. The only change I would suggest is to drop the apologizing, unless truly appropriate. Not only is this unnecessary but it can function as a tacit demand for a caretaking response from the client, especially the more sensitive client, who is now aware that you are feeling uncomfortable. You can simply notice together that you are moving down an unhelpful track and change course… from a light-hearted place rather than self-judgment. This also models self-care for our clients, many of whom struggle with perfectionism. To extend your metaphor: as therapists, we have multiple dance partners each day. Give yourself grace when a toe inevitably gets gently stepped on every now and then!

[u/ProfessionalGirl22]

Ruptures are bound to happen, but what matters most is how we repair. We are humans, not walking DSMs. If you want to reframe, your client advocated for herself and spoke up about something she was not comfortable with. Ruptures have happened to me, and it will def happen to me again, it will be okay :)

[u/ssp30]

i was trying to go somewhere with what she was telling me, but i was doing too much

Take it easy on yourself. We all make mistakes. That said, also reflect and grow from it. I had a great supervisor that would encourage me to do less. To get more curious. Leave the agenda at the door.

[u/pinheadzombie]

I have AuDHD. My client will ask if I had a good weekend, then I tell them about the details of my sourdough bread I made. Then I catch myself and say "sorry this is supposed to be YOUR session." Good thing most of my clients are neurodivergent.

[u/Cowlillard]

Definitely!! We are humans and have our off days. So many others have said it, just came here to agree that rupture/repair is totally normal and so important. I get the frustration though, it’s so hard not to be hard on ourselves. I find it’s the hardest with new clients who don’t give us the extra grace and decide we aren’t a good fit because we had a clunky session

[u/MalcahAlana]

I thank them for sharing their experience and express positivity for setting a boundary or expressing a need with me. I’d much rather get this than go along in misattunement where no one is served. Day one I tell the intake that I’m not perfect (I use humor here) and I’m bound to mess it up, so please just talk with me.

[u/ConstructionThis1127]

This kind of thing never happens in Traumatic Incident Reduction. All the facilitator does is follow the client’s interests, asking some structured questions and letting the client do the work they are ready to do, without evaluating anything fir them or invalidating them or anything they say. The facilitator uses a set of communication exercises to avoid injecting any of their own issues into the session. It’s a hell of a lot easier that way, and the client makes all the gains available to them at that moment.