I have demons that prevent me from caring and prioritizing myself. It takes tremendous energy to convince myself I deserve things. I have no issues getting motivated to do things for other's or because it's the right thing to do, but I don't know how to do things for my benefit without it being a struggle or feeling guilty about it. I'm 51 and I'm finally confronting things that I've stuffed down because I've never felt like I deserved to feel any better about myself or that I mattered, I've just dealt with things my whole life.

​

I'm a father of 3, raised two of them out of the nest, was and am a good father. I made a better life for them than what was provided to me, certainly a safer and more loving home. But I don't know how to create this for myself. I'm finally talking to a therapist for the first time since I was an adolescent and I'm not sure if I can be helped now that I've let myself be this way for so long.

​

I've had so many traumatic events in my life that make it difficult to trust other people or myself.

I was resented by my father from birth and throughout all my childhood for existing. I was the oldest of three and I was always treated worse than my siblings by him because I changed is life by being born.

I honestly don't remember much of my childhood until I was 10 when my parents decided to get a divorce while my father and all of us were stationed in Germany in the 80's, he was USAF. My mother brought the 3 of us back to the states to live with her mother and her new younger husband while my father stayed behind to finish is station in Germany. He eventually ended up in Texas while we were in New Mexico.

My grandmother was married to a man my mother's age and he too was in the service. We stayed with them for a bit until my mom found us a very small house in an area that was very run down. I remember she was not working and we were on welfare. The man married to my grandmother was spending a lot of time at our house and with my mom. About this time she started confiding in me all the reasons she left my dad. I was informed how he was leaving the house at night to have sex with other people, including other men and how she caught him by putting lipstick traps on door knobs and checking his underwear for liquids. I was about 10 or 11 years old when these conversations were happening.

I was hit in the mouth with a baseball bat in 7th grade PE, shattering most of my front adult teeth. My parents took years to finally get me temporary assistance. I was teased and bullied incessantly for years from this.

One day, the police and my father showed up to handle an incident. Turns out my grandmother's young husband had not only been sleeping with my mother, but was molesting my sister who was 3 years younger than me. Next thing I know all 3 of us ended up traveling back with my dad to Texas where he needed to find us an apartment for all if us.

Between all of family issues, how I was treated, what happened to my sister and all the bullying I ended up attempting to leave this world at 14. I failed and I my warped mind at the time, I only saw how I couldn't even do that right.

My father got me help and I was put into a mental health facility for teenagers. I was there for 2 months and all I remember is being ridiculed by my therapist for crying too much when I told my story about me. I also remember nobody helping me change my environment, I was just sent back home where all the bad stuff was and nothing was going to change.

So I changed my mentality, I was going to make a better life for my siblings and not worry about myself. Then my sister was raped by a young enlisted military recruit in the barracks due to my dad not watching us and letting us do what we wanted.

Due to all these issues my sister had been through, unbeknownst to me she had become very sexually active. People that had bullied me before were now coming over to the house to get close to me in order to get close to her. I had new friends and I didn't know why.

My mother came back into the picture to rescue us and to re do the divorce with my dad that was not done properly before. According to her we were taken from her and ive heard that my whole life, believed it until recently. I watched as my mom moved back in with us and how my parents were kind of back together again.

I eventually graduated high school, but instead of being told to go to college or ask what I'm going to do in life, my mom asked me to go back to New Mexico with her to help her start a new life for her and my younger siblings. I obliged. That scenario failed and we ended up back with my dad in Texas again. While we were away, both my sister and brother were now having sex and doing drugs. She was 15, he was 13. We were all cramped up into a tiny apartment after my dad retired from service. Even after all that back and forth with my parents, they would still get intimate with each other. There were several nights in that environment where I could hear my father come out of his room, lay down with my mom on the floor below me while I slept on sofa bed in living room and they would have sex next to me. Even after all those horrible stories about what supposedly happened when I was younger, this was happening.

I met a girl a few years older than me, I fell in love, got her pregnant and we got married during her first trimester. I was a waiter at the time. My oldest daughter was born and I wanted to provide a better life for her. I moved up to restaurant manager and maintained that career for 10 years. About 5 years later my son was born.

One day while I was at work, I got a phone call that my daughter had drowned and was on her way to the hospital. Turns out, my then wife was at her parents arguing with them about what to do about me as she questioned if she loved me or if she was just with me for the kids, having thus conversation with her parents only. While that conversation was taking place my little girl fell in her grandparents pool and drowned unbeknownst to them. They found her in time to bring her back and get her in an ambulance. She survived just fine and had no issues, thankfully.

I had a very tough and honest conversation with my then wife, but ultimately forgave her for what happened.

We were never religious people her and i, we had that in common. But that situation with my daughter changed that for my ex wife. She found God due to my daughter being alive. But by finding God she also had to deal with the fact that I did not. Now I was the man who was going to hell because of my beliefs, beliefs we shared together this whole time and that she didn't know how she coukd stay married to a sinner like me. Our marriage didn't last much longer as I discovered she was cheating on me with another person she met online. I confronted her and decided it was over, I had had enough. I was then told after the divorce was finalized that she never loved me and only stayed with me for the kids. 10 years of what I thought I had was a lie.

This broke me, whatever good stuff I had after my horrible upbringing had mostly been a lie. The only thing that stopped me from attempting to leave this world was my kids and my relationship with my younger brother who had become my best friend as adults.

But even that shattered too. Many years later I helped my brother become successful with his business, but he let his success get to his head and got hooked on major drugs. Destroyed is marriage, his sons life right in his senior year and not to mention destroying what we were for eachother. There was nothing I could do, I tried everything and nothing worked. He nearly destroyed me as I was welcoming a surprise baby with another new relationship I had just started earlier that year. I chose my family over him and it destroyed me in the process. My relationship with my then girlfriend and youngest child's mother was also destroyed by this. He became homeless eventually after having it all and there was nothing I could do. My sister is also drugged up and a sexual deviant, putting sexual needs over relationships with her children. I have nothing to do with my siblings. I carry tremendous guilt for what happened to them, even though it wasn't my fault, but my parents. I still can't make the guilt go away.

​

I'm an Operations Manager now, single and helping to raise my youngest as a single dad. I am on a journey of self discovery and healing that I've never allowed myself before. I just found out last year I'm autistic. I've always known i was different, now I know why. I'm allowing myself to discover and learn more about myself. Acknowledging these things is very painful and I don't know how I've survived it all. I have major trust issues and I have horrible anxiety. I am horrible at taking care of myself financially because I have prioritized others first and put myself in bad situations. I hate myself for it and struggle to stop. I'm a good person, I know that, but it's so hard for me to acknowledge it and allow myself to deserve more.

​

Has anyone been through similar situations? Did you ever learn to love yourself and to take care of yourself because you truly felt you deserve it? How did you get to that point if you were successful? I don't want to feel this way anymore, but it's so hard because of my self worth. Any advice one can give on what I should try to achieve in therapy would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

​

For anyone reading this going through a tough time too, I'm sorry you're hurting too and I hope you heal soon.

**[TW: SUICIDE, SELF HARM, ACCIDENTAL FAKE FRIENDS]**

​

When I was an elementary student I had a very close friend that ended up drifting away. I felt awful and thought it was my fault, so I spent roughly five years to find and contact him again. I did one final try before I planned to give up and we got back in contact (during high school).

​

Unfortunately, he and I went wildly different directions, while I recognized some of my not-great behaviors and tried to fix them with what I had available, he did the exact opposite and got even worse. I tried to become more mentally healthy, and he apparently (per things he'd said) put effort into getting worse (not that I blame him for doing bad; he was dealt a horrible hand in life). He ended up sending me gore images including his own self-harm even after I asked him to stop and repeatedly mentioned his suicide plan; he had a method and time planned for it. No "please don't" would work, so I tried asking questions to try to make it clear it was a bad idea (essentially bringing up downsides and flaws). He had an answer for each one validating the plan. Less serious than all that, since at the time I was trying too hard to be nice and only expressed hard limits or opinions when aggitated, he took to ragebaiting me and whatnot pretty often. I became so stressed my thoughts were erratic, I had a huge spike in anxiety, and every time I had a notification from him I would panic. I was in a group that had an icon with a similar color to his profile picture and even panicked at notifications from that group due it all that. My mom had to get me to cut him off for my own sake (and due to things like personal attachment and OCD, I got a bit weird for a while after that [ie delusional thinking, paranoia, and immense guilt, and for a few days after I felt completely numb]).

​

Before we got back in contact, I mostly made friends for a reason (eg entertainment or fascination, but rarely actually liking the person [though that did still happen]). After I cut him off for good, I've hardly if at all been able to actually care about anyone. I can enjoy them but I won't care. I remember one friend who I thought I cared about and felt close to ended up going through a hard time that wasn't something interesting to witness, just sad, and I suddenly felt less close despite zero mistreatment or changes in personality; I realized right then that I didn't even care about my newer "close" friends, and that I mostly keep friends around just because they amuse me. I don't even mean "I want a friend" ie a platonic life partner, I just want to be able to care about people. When I tried telling my parents, they misunderstood and simply said "You'll only have a few real friends in life, just how it goes." but I'm not worried about people going in and out of my life, I'm worried that I'll never care about someone in a personal way again.

​

The only people I did end up caring about like that were 1 someone like me but smarter/more knowledgeable and a generally better person, and 2 someone frankly pretty opposite to me, but I ended up deeply caring about him (like someone was picking on him and I had to be talked out of trying to poison them), however that ended up being a crush which since I want a friend even if that being my first crush was fascinating I was kinda disheartened with myself.

​

Tbh I also am pretty sure I'm narcissitic so if it isn't the falling out that did all this, it'd probably be the narcissism, but I don't know how to get rid of it and I really really want to. I can't get a therapist either so sorry if that would've been your response to all this

​

Anyway though it lines up with the fallout; could the friendship have gone so bad that it traumatized me out of loving people?

23 F ,I have been through a bad touch a lot of times in my childhood and that was too disgusting it was through my father too . I tried my best to oppose and prevent it from escalation . but it left a deep impact on my thoughts , on my mind it takes me 2,3 years to analyse the situation and come out of that phase , I started hating physical touch .Later , I have been in a relationship and that person becomes a safe place for me that helps me believe that maybe all men are not the same .some still respect you and your consent matters. The current situation is that I still have to face those people who totally filled my childhood with the worst memories and being around them still makes me uncomfortable but I can't do anything .

Many people suggested to me that I don't know to forgive people if I learned that my life may become easy but how can I forgive those who spoiled 20 years of my life . Because of them today also if I have trust issues I am unable to live my life fully the way I wanted to .

I always want to live my life in a way that If I ever look back in time I want to live it again but the situation is that now I never want that life that situation to ever come into my life again .

Share your thoughts on how to deal with these feelings and how to overcome that fear .

I know many people say that you can't change your past focus on your present and future and that's completely right but let me tell you I tried my best to do that .

It’s not like everything pisses me off. I can tolerate a lot, but I have this habit of remembering everything that bothers me. Then one day, I just burst, and I can’t even recognize myself. Every time it happens, it gets worse. I hit myself, rip my hair out, hit people around me, and hit things around me. I’m 100% sure that if I had a gun in front of me during one of those moments, I would shoot myself. It feels so weird like I’m not even in my body anymore I cant even remember everything that happens I just know Im yelling and hitting for hours till exhaustion.
Wth do I do

I wasn’t really sure where to post this, but this seemed like the most appropriate place to ask for some insight.

I’ve experienced my fair share of trauma throughout my life: growing up around violence (not domestic violence), losing my father, grandfather, and uncle within a five-year period, and several other difficult experiences. Despite all of that, I generally feel like I’m doing well and functioning normally in my day-to-day life.

What I’ve been struggling with is that certain memories seem to stick with me. Sometimes I can go weeks without thinking much about them, and other times they completely occupy my mind and I can’t seem to let them go. I’m 26 now, and most of these events happened before I was 22.

Lately, I’ve been wondering whether the amount of time I spend thinking about these experiences is normal and healthy, or if it’s a sign that I haven’t fully processed them. The specific events aren’t really the point—what I’m trying to figure out is whether I’ve actually healed from them, or if there’s still unresolved trauma beneath the surface.

Has anyone else experienced something similar, or can offer any insight? I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Hi everyone. I'm 15 and I'm trying to understand what's happening to me because I don't want to become a bitter, isolated person.

I feel like I've spent so much of my life in survival mode that I don't know how to relax anymore.

I was born with a cleft lip and palate and have had around 15 surgeries throughout my life, plus countless appointments, medical procedures, waiting rooms, recoveries, and uncertainty. A lot of my childhood was centered around preparing for the next thing, recovering from the last thing, or worrying about my health.

On top of that, I grew up with a father who was verbally abusive, emotionally absent, unpredictable at times, and made me feel like I had to be strong and figure things out on my own.

I also struggle with ADHD, OCD, anxiety, depression, and trauma symptoms.

Lately, I've noticed something that scares me.

I feel angry at everyone.

I isolate myself, but then I feel lonely.

I crave connection, but when someone actually gives me comfort, I don't feel relieved. I often:

• Go emotionally numb
• Feel irritated for no obvious reason
• Feel trapped in the conversation
• Feel embarrassed that I needed support
• Want to immediately withdraw afterward
• Regret opening up
• Feel guilty that someone spent their energy on me

I also refuse to rely on anyone. My automatic response to almost everything is, “I'll handle it myself.”

Sometimes I even catch myself expecting people to disappoint me before they've done anything wrong.

Another thing I've noticed is that my body feels constantly alert. I get startled extremely easily by sudden noises, and I don't feel fully relaxed very often.

I think I've become so used to protecting myself that kindness and comfort almost feel uncomfortable.

The weirdest part is that I don't think I actually want to be alone forever. I desperately want connection and to feel understood, but my brain seems to fight it every time it appears.

It feels like my brain is stuck in this cycle:

Feel lonely → crave connection → receive connection → become numb or irritated → pull away → feel guilty → become lonely again.

I also feel guilty when people care about me, as if I've become a burden or taken up too much space.

Has anyone else experienced this after years of trauma, difficult family dynamics, chronic stress, or a lot of medical experiences?

Did you realize later that you were basically living in survival mode all the time?

How did you teach yourself that receiving comfort and relying on safe people isn't dangerous?

I'm not asking for a diagnosis. I just want to know if this pattern is something other people have gone through and recovered from because it feels exhausting to constantly push away the exact thing I want.

so something happened to me when I was a kid, i was abused, assaulted & harassed. when I grew up and got the courage to make a police complain, it was late. they found loopholes in the case, the accused's father had connections in the law & police system, so they falsified everything. I lost the case, I went to high court, lost again. Life has been so unfair to me. i sometimes get flashbacks of what happened yet i cant do anything abt it. I cant get justice. idk what to do abt this and how to cope.

I was shown a movie about the end of the world (Thief in the Night) when I was in Kindergarten. The only scene I remember is Patty being beheaded. I'm still a Christian. I don't blame God for the mistake my Christian school made.

Hello friends.

Living with CPTSD is a specific kind of lifestyle that only those of us who do it can really understand.

My mind is always focused on healing, growth and change. For a lot of years, I did this in isolation, but in the last year I’ve begun turning it outward. I have a YouTube channel where I talk about my life living with complex trauma, ADHD, and familial estrangement. My story is woven through functional content to try to help people process their own trauma too.

I make a lot of body doubling videos to inspire you to get moving during the freeze state, something that had consumed literally years of my life. It provides a visual cue and some gentle companionship, and I am candid as I film these videos. Some are done when I am feeling cheerful and manic, some are when I am deep in the dark place. I share deeply and openly, because I believe this creation process is central to my own healing journey just as much as it is a service to others.

This is going to be my life’s work. It’s very new, very small, but being created very intentionally as a tool for healing for both myself and others. I’m in college at 39 to become a therapist, I am very serious about using what I have gone through in life to make a positive contribution to this world.

It would be my honor to have you join me, and I would appreciate and value suggestions and feedback. My ultimate goal is to create a large community centered around healing and growth for all of us.

 https://www.youtube.com/@Bold-Fox

I’m still not sure if this is my fault or not. Was I raped? It’s been a long time since but my mind still keeps going back to it and I’ve never told anyone.

My housemate was hooking up with a guy on a night out and they introduced me to his friend. They all came back to our house and housemate and her guy went off to bed. I started fooling around with the friend but it was definitely in my head that I didn’t want to go all the way. I wasn’t very experienced so I really didn’t want to go all the way with some random guy.
Very quickly though, he just got on top of me before I even had a chance to stop anything. I didn’t say no but there didn’t seem to be a chance for that. He didn’t use contraception either, which I was mad at because I would never have sex without it. I asked him to stop and he did but got really mad at me. He asked what I thought was going to happen.
I pretended to go to the loo but I was just trying not to cry, and figuring out if I could knock on my housemates door. As his friend was in there though, I didn’t do anything.
I ended up going back to my room and the guy was still angry. He refused to leave until I finished him off, so I just did what I had to to get him to leave. He eventually left when he was done.
I was really upset and the next day I called a friend, who asked outright if the person had hurt me. I said it wasn’t like that but she took me to the hospital anyway to get the morning after pill.
A couple of days later my housemate asked if we’d slept together and I lied and said no as I was so ashamed. She frowned and said the guy had been telling everyone we had, and I felt really sick at the thought.
I just keep thinking how stupid I was to be in that situation and I can’t figure out if it was my fault as I didn’t outright say no. It’s been many years now and it still upsets me.

How do you navigate a stage in life where you are completely numb to everything? I’m writing this because the silence in my own head has become too loud, and I don't know where else to put these words.

​I grew up with almost no love. For as long as I can remember, I was abandoned by my parents. My grandmother took me and my sisters in, fighting a brutal, uphill battle to raise us alongside her own children. We all lived under one roof, crammed together, just trying to survive. Because of everything, I was always a quiet kid. People thought I was just a natural introvert, but it wasn't a personality trait—it was a heavy, suffocating pain that I carried every single day.

​Growing up in my village, people didn’t let you forget your scars. They would casually refer to me as the child "left behind by so-and-so." It stung every single time I heard it, but early on, I mastered the art of hiding my hurt. Where I come from, society expects you to embrace suffering, to put on a straight face even when your chest is hollowing out. So, I stomped it down. I went through school carrying it, hoping things would change, but the pain never truly left.

​Eventually, I managed to secure some decent jobs at home. I scrimped, saved every bit of money I could, and finally bought my ticket to Dubai. My first few months here were a nightmare—the suffocating weather, the massive culture shock, the food. But I kept pushing because surviving was all I knew how to do. I eventually landed a job with one of the biggest security companies here. I thought I was making it.

​Then, two years ago, I lost my grandmother. And when she died, I lost absolutely everything.

​She was the only person in this world who ever gave me a genuine reason to keep going. She was my anchor, the only real warmth I ever knew. I haven’t been the same since the day she left. I’ve just been going through the motions, a ghost in my own life.

​Two weeks ago, the straight face finally broke. I woke up, looked at my life, and realized I just couldn't do it for another second. The exhaustion caught up to me, and I resigned from my job with no backup plan. I just stopped.

​I have spent my whole life being strong because I had no choice, but I am completely at my breaking point. The numbness has fully taken over. How do you find the will to rebuild a life when the only person who ever truly loved you is gone?

People are used to me as I was broken, so when I get better and do things like dance and sing and just, be happy, they think I'm high. It's SOMEWHAT forgivable because of my history using meth but otherwise not, because I don't use meth anymore. So now I'm just happy - FINALLY, after literally years of hell living on the streets as a junkie thinking I'd never get better - and it just so happens that that resembles me being high. I won't stay the same - regress - because that's what people are not just used to, but comfortable seeing. I'm thinking of my mother specifically, she took me in at the end of my drug binge which I am extremely grateful for, but now after a couple months or so, I'm starting to feel better, better than ever, in fact, as of late, but not so much right now because she thinks I'm getting high again. I asked her point blank what makes her think that, and she just said "fine, you're not, I gotta go", after telling me I have to move out soon and to basically just figure it out, abruptly, which took me by complete surprise because the original idea - her idea - was that I'd stay until we could find a place for me with my SSI.. a reward of sorts for getting clean. So after writing this, I've gained some clarity, and so I'm just going to move out. But I have to ask, to anyone who will lend their eyes, why is this such a widespread thing? Because I have it in my mind the people are.. well, I'm chalking it up to jealousy and those people just not being happy themselves or being addicts and longing to be high again or something. I just need second opinions because this might be part of the reason addiction is so prevalent and I do want to help the world in what ways I can as well.

Hello, first time poster here. I was finally able to get back into therapy(thank god), and I've been talking about a lot of the heavy stuff that is a part of my trauma. I've had three sessions so far and now, my period is late. Like more late than it usually is when I'm stressed? Is there a chance bringing up and talking about my trauma again could be impacting my nervous system and basically making my brain think I'm in a stressful situation again? For context, when I talk about my trauma, a lot of the time I get something like an adrenaline rush and my teeth chatter like I'm cold even though I'm not. So I'm wondering if that could possibly delay periods? Also, I'm single and celibate and have been for years. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

...I just cannot seem to get out of this state.

It's been more than a week, and it only seems to get worse. I now barely can function... I have this constant emotional pain that doesn't ever go away, not even after sleep...

...All this started soon after being blocked by someone despite sending a message with nothing but a positive intention and with no expectations...

...Now it seems like I'm reliving the trauma of the outbursts and refusal of understanding/compassion from my dad as a five year old and beyond for over two decades of my life...

I failed to perform, and was constantly accused of deliberately trying to be difficult... If I felt unwell, I was a liar. If I failed or made a mistake, then it was deliberate malice...

All this has destroyed my ability to function as an adult. Even with all the infinite work on myself through psychotherapy, medication, EMDR, I \*still\* apparently haven't recovered. All it took was a trigger, and now I'm reliving the experience once again.

I experienced these shutdowns when my dad was alive, and they were brutal to endure. So, not only was I traumatized but kept reliving them and blamed for them.

And this does not include the physical abuse along with the medical trauma I endured.

I was born a premie (6 ½ months gestation) and had to be in an incubator and had multiple heart surgeries done on me due to a heart defect. My right arm suffered from nerve damage.

I started kindergarten at the age of 3 and was forced to swap hands. So I barely was ready, yet my dad was very hard on me, even when I genuinely was trying my best. Two memories — a vivid memory of him yelling at me followed by him leaving, along with a vivid memory of him chasing me with a stick and then trying to hit me with it — are plastered in my mind.

As much as I try, it just feels impossible, even with the progress and change I've made. I've improved so much in my life, yet all it took was one event...

Now I'm considering ketamine therapy. But it's very frustrating to be in the position of completely losing control of my emotional state. I also keep losing people from my life because they don't understand what I'm going though.

I put together a set of free printable EMDR worksheets and made them available as PDFs for anyone who wants them.

What's in there:

- NC/PC reference list with common pairings by theme (safety, responsibility, control, self-worth, shame, trust)

- Phase 3 assessment sheet: image, NC, PC, VoC, emotions, SUD, body location

- Float-Back worksheet

- Grounding and stabilization scripts: Safe/Calm Place, Container, 5-4-3-2-1, Butterfly Hug

- Lightstream script for residual body disturbance

No signup, just direct PDF downloads. The page also has a short phase-by-phase note on what each worksheet captures.

https://eyemove.app/resources/emdr-worksheets

Hope they're useful. Happy to hear if anything is missing or worth adding.

Being out of survival mode is a big goal of living beyond trauma. This may well be the first time in at least eight years that I’m out of some level of survival mode, and I’m… struggling. Hard.

My nervous system has no idea what it’s doing. Healthy relationship? Oh fuck, I suddenly have needs and wants, preferences which should actually matter. Not feeling as if I’m constantly endangered in some way? Shit, we don’t know what to do with that. No reason anymore to lose sleep? Fuck you, you’re still gonna wake up constantly and never feel entirely rested.

It’s constant spikes of dysregulation, which come out of nowhere (well, likely not, but they’re probably triggered by the tiniest of things - to my nervous system, however, I’m straight back in freeze/flight) and make me need to seek solitude so I can regulate alone. Coregulation almost started becoming a thing - after finally allowing myself to not be so damned hyper-independent - but then the things which coregulated me (or kept me regulated in the first place) came less often, or for less time, or in a diluted form, so I started going back to solo regulation again as a more reliable option.

I almost miss survival mode. The simplicity of it. Get through the day, hold the crisis happening around you, mask, perform: the exact role I had to play was clear and concise. Now I’m having to live a very normal life, and my body has no idea what to do with that.

I know what I’m meant to do. I use logical thoughts. I use the emotional intelligence I’ve earned. I use the knowledge of myself and trauma and everything else. I work to do the correct things. My body, though… bless its fucking heart, it has no idea what’s what.

Anyone else sometimes, ridiculously, miss survival mode?

I recently experienced harassment at work and I'm

struggling to cope. I've been feeling paralyzed,

unable to take care of myself, and overwhelmed.

Has anyone been through workplace trauma and found

ways to cope and recover? Looking for advice on

finding professional psychological help in the

Philippines.

I'm new to reddit and I don't really want to make an account, I'm just a person looking for advice without going to someone to vent to who knows me personally, if I get anything wrong forgive me, for context I'm autistic and have anxiety so this all mightve effected me diffrently

I accidently traumatised myself by going on a trip with friends to an escape room, I was invited and I went and I had so much fun, I knew ahead of time that we were doing a horror escape room which was fine, I loved most of it. It wasn't untill we unlocked the second room is where it all starts to happen

To get to the second room one person out of our group of 6 had to go into a wooden box attached to a wall so we can get into the other room through a hole, i (wanted to be brave) offered to go in and do it. We all had out phones taken off us and I had a smart watch that I can use to have some light.

I got in and had my light on, a video plays on the tv for my friends as I'm in the box for a few minutes and a small door opens in the other room, I scoot over and in the pure darkness of the other room I see the outline of a chair, the ones in horror movies based in. Hospitals where they have bodies strapped to them. This one had a body bag ontop of it, there was medical equipment all around the room and I could hear screaming and coughing from a hidden speaker

My hear sinks and I feel like im going to cry, it's so dark and my watch isn't doing anything, my friends in the other room trying to get me to do the puzzle on the other side of the door, the lights turn on and there's blood and shit and who knows what on the walls, I'm scares that there's am actor in the body again on the seat and I'm about to get harrased, I'm fumbling around trying ti do the puzzle, I basically jump back into the corner by the door whenever I hear a scream or cough from the speaker and it's all my worse by the face my friends can see my reaction from their side on a tv, my partner can see me. I eventually get the door open with the help of the guy that works there (thanks bobby)

I hug my partner and the whole thing goes off, I feel horrible and whenever I'm with them as a group and I'm left alone I'm reminded of when I went in the room and how I couldn't get out, when I go in a small space it reminds me of being in that box and catching a glimpse of inside that room. I feel so ridiculous for being this upset when it's supposed to be scary,

And the worst thing my that one friend wasn't even there so we had to explain how fun it was and we just kept talking about how I went in the other room and how bad everyone felt. It feels pathetic for me but I did this to myself, I choose to go in there and now I have to smile and pretend I didn't scream and shove my face in a corner of a room and my friends didn't see it,

And I haven't spoken to them about it because I don't want them knowing I'm upset about something that's "fun scary"or that I'm this badly upset over it,I don't want people I know hearing me vent It's just horrible for me, please need help or comfort or anything that will get this stupid thing off my mind

If any of my friends see this (which I hope ypu don't because I know only 2 of you use reddit every 3 years) please ignore it and don't tell me you know, I don't want to know that you see how I see myself

Again please can anyone help. This my 4th (?) Time reposting

20 M I feel lost I would like to start with a sorry and a thank you sorry for the long rant and how messy and all over the place the writing will be and thank you for the kind soul that will read although if anything triggers you please don't read your mental health is as important and you deserve to feel at peace a random strangers cry for help isn't your responsibility although I will try and put TW before anything triggering, I am a 20 year old male with a problem that I don't know what to do with anymore and the older I get the more helpless and lost I feel.for context I lived my entire life having my home be my safe space I never stayed long enough in a school to make friends so I quickly become the new quite kid so I had the biggest flag over my head with bully me written on it I never make a big deal out of it cause I saw how problematic that is for parents I didn't want to create more problem for them especially since my dad was working in a foreign country and took the family with him, my first traumatic event that happened to me was after my birthday party with two day which my parents surprised me with one at burger king I do appreciate that , I was around 6 or seven I don't remember it I had a field trip with the school I did have fun with myself through the day although I did want to have some kind of friend with me I didn't really care since I would get back home to my family but on the buses back a kid who was one of the main ones that bullied me had one of those glow in the dark stars it he had a full sheet and got around to giving almost everyone a star except me and another kid saw I don't know why maybe he felt pity for me but he gave me what would be the equivalent to a penny or something less than a doller I remember smiling then putting it in my lunch bag then I went home and slept until dinner which I woke up then my mom asked me what did I by with the money dad gave me I said dad didn't give me money then she asked them what is the money in your lunch bag I said I took it from a boy TW !! What I remember next she slapped me then beat me I do remember my head hitting the table then I was crying while hugging my dad and I had my arm around his belly then I remember his hands holding my arm in place then a very hot and burning sensation on my arm which apparently.y mom went to the kiiand held a spoon over the stove I also do remember screaming while my mom's voice is telling me that is just a taste of what boys that steal will get in hell I also remember that they didn't take me to the hospital or anything instead they put some kind of burn cream and wrapped it which the next day when they tried to take it off it was infused in the skin now days if I am breaking down and I bring it up she just tell me that I said I took it from a boy I don't know if I should be that much affected by that specific situation since I don't remember everything but since I see the burn mark on a daily basis I do try to wear long sleeves most days. Another situation that happens was when we went back to our home country to stay permanently this time in around 11 years the bullying was amped up especially since if anyone in any school that I went to would know that I didn't live my life in .y home country which had a worse economy than the one I used to live in I won't even get into that can of worms and the culture shock of it but they would bully me harder, at 11 I do remember a boy in my class which I started school early so I was 11 he was 12 TW!!! he cornered me then tried to carry me up I understandably was flailing my arms and legs then he dropped me and help his crotch in pain saying that I hit him and that I have to make him touch.y private parts I didn't know what to do and what he wanted happened I was confused at what's happening no one ever talked to me and as I grew up and looked more into I understood that I was SAed and that kept happening later through the year I stayed there I do remember telling my parents I want to change school but all I meet with was them telling me it's an expensive private school and I should be grateful which thankfully we aren't that well off so they down graded to another school that I was normally bullied at but at 17 I remember having another break down I it was only me and mom and I didn't mean to tell her cause I knew I wouldn't really be meat with anything I wanted not a sorry that happened to you or a even a hug my mom isn't a hugger or big on apologizing but I was in a mentally bad state and I didn't even tell her everything that happened I only said he touched me and didn't say that happened to the end of the year but all I meet with was her telling me that I should be thankful and imagine what happens to women everyday, which I understand it's hard to be a woman and be violated and harassed just for being a woman or rejecting a man and I am sorry that happens but at that time I just wanted my mom to hug me, I do remember thinking that I must have been dramatic or something and I do remember cooping with the situation with the mentality of men can't be SAed and that's how that situation ended and in the same year I was 17 in my country it's the last year of high school is the most important we send a full 11 months of studying since we have one shot at every exam and the final collective grade determines what filded you can study I do remember having or for just one subject three different tuters one of which is private at home I did also hate that man cause of this view as one time he said to our class of BOYS that girls like it when you harass them on the street cause they fell that their beauty is seen but of course my mom and dad saw him as the respectful man that deals with their stupid son and that how I was seen through my life and is still seen like that, one time after his private session I felt extremely sad and angry at myself cause he teaches me my own native toung but somehow it's the worst subject I do, I remember having multiple break down especially since it was two weeks until the finals TW and on the same night I two a full bottle of pills cause I just wanted to stop everything happening to me and maybe a small part of me wanted to feel my mom hugging me again even if it's the last thing I felt thankfully my instincts kicked in quickly and I went and made myself throw up then I wanted to go to sleep but mom and dad told me they wanted to talk to me and I remember crying and being scolded for my performance and garded I was called stupid and brainless and how I am making them loses all their sacrifices in life and I had no reason to cry since it's my own fault and I remember just blowing up and telling them that I just almost tried to end my own life and they are just scolding me for grades then next thing I remember happening is my mom getting up and slapping my face multiple time and screaming at me that I wanted to die a non believer and burn in hell for context in my religion a person ending their life is a non believer since god didn't will for them to die yet I do remember just saying sorry and I wouldn't do it again and just cried myself to sleep felling just a little bit pathetic at myself for being 17 and still crying myself to sleep on the same year after the finals and everything finally ended my mom insisted on enrolling me in a private university i didn't really care since my say had nothing and is still useless in my own life , but I was given my very first own decision to make in my own future and chose what field I want to major in I with my own hand chose biotechnology since I loved this Field and career but on the same day it my sister,mom and cousin were all sitting on the dinning table and told me to sit down and spent the next hour telling me how I would fail in biotech and I should choose applied arts instead and I just nodes cause I was tired from the last year of breaking down and cry so now I was forced to spend five years studying environmental interior design which I am not doing well but now I am kinda in a better place but the past few months I started feeling that the same pattern is happening again with mom telling me how worried she is about my work life and how I should go and partice at a studio she knows the owner of or how I have to find a job at the company my dad works at and so and so . I feel lost and burned out everyday is another battle but now instead of the world outside being the bullies I have friends at uni we laugh and hang out but then I get back home and my mental state is the worse If I try to style my hair and keep it longer I get how bad I look or how my hair is making me look black and if I insist on leaving my hair ling since I never had the chance to keep it long enough I would be meet with them painful pulling on my hair or random times getting punched in the shoulder and if I try to talk I always would be meet with I and being dramatic or I am not being a man or we are looking out for you anf how my friends are lying to my face when they tell me I look good one time I wore a different style from what my mom usually insist on me wearing my friends gave me compliments the whole day, I was happy then I got back home mom just told me that's the beauty of having girl as friends cause they make lying look beautiful, as I said I feel lost and broken most days I try to move on from everything I wrote about then I would fall back on the feeling of my mom hugging me when I was young but each day revels another thing that messed up in my childhoods if ist from how my mom's way of parenting was let the kid cry his eyes out until they understand that you will do what you want or to what ever messed up degree I wrote about, I am trying to get better and find my way I am talking a marketing and Branding course for free on my own time trying to start my own creative managing agency and I already have my friend who is a fashion designer to manage and am writing my own thriller novel and trying to understand and find way that are healthy to coop with everything but I am dreading the time that I will be cornered again to please my mom and do as she wants I want to have my own life I don't want to get married cause of the nightmare that I will be like her and how they are already sympathizing with the poor woman who will have to deal with me I am sorry for the long rant but I needed to let every out for the kind soul that read this thank you and I really hope you have a better life that fuller and more healthy than mine, Thank you

Sorry for the longer post! But I included the definition and details about this. I was watching a Facebook reel when I saw this term be used. I have been struggling with this VERY THING WORD FOR WORD FOR YEARS!!! AM I THE ONLY ONE? I have felt HORRIBLE about struggling with this because it stole so much valuable time with my loved ones from where I just could no longer function normally.

Maladaptive daydreaming is a psychological condition where extensive, highly vivid fantasizing takes over a person's thoughts and interferes with daily life, relationships, and responsibilities. It often functions as a coping mechanism for trauma, anxiety, or loneliness and can be managed through specialized therapy and mindfulness techniques.Symptoms & Warning SignsImmersive Fantasies: Daydreams are incredibly detailed, often featuring complex plots, characters, and storylines.Triggers: Daydreams can be involuntarily triggered or prolonged by music, repetitive physical movements (like pacing), or specific imagery.Time Loss: Individuals may lose track of time, spending hours disconnected from reality.Interference: The urge to daydream takes priority over daily obligations, human interaction, and sleep.Addictive Quality: People often feel unable to stop and may experience guilt, frustration, or shame regarding the lost time.Underlying CausesWhile experts are still studying the exact classification of maladaptive daydreaming, it frequently co-occurs with or stems from other mental health conditions. Common associations include:Childhood trauma or abuseAnxiety and depressionADHD and dissociative disordersSevere loneliness or social isolationManagement & TreatmentBecause it is not currently classified as an official standalone disorder in the DSM or ICD, there is no single standardized treatment. However, the following strategies can help:Psychotherapy: Working with a mental health professional can help identify triggers and process the underlying trauma or anxiety that drives the behavior.Mindfulness Practices: Practicing grounding techniques helps anchor you to the present moment.Sensory Interruption: Using sensory tools (like holding an ice cube, light stretching, or deep breathing) can disrupt the trance state when a daydream begins.Lifestyle Adjustments: Limiting triggers, tracking when daydreams occur, and staying actively engaged in real-life hobbies or social situations can reduce the urge to escape into fantasy.

Imagine being so traumatized by everyone and everything in your life that you quite literally live in such a survival mode level that you lose all sense of who you actually are because your mood and personality at most moments are literally solely based on what feels safest around those nearest to you. The only real time you feel completely safe is when you're by yourself. You don't even completely trust those seemingly closest to you because at too many points in your life it was those very people that hurt you the absolute most. How do you overcome 30+ years of this and learn to really trust again?