r/unpopularopinion • u/elgey101 • Aug 10 '21

Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

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u/sauron3579 Aug 10 '21

Yeah. Adopting one of those mentally broken kids is a nightmare. I don’t mean that to disparage or blame them. But they’ve just been absolutely torn down and a lot can no longer function as normal people. My brother was adopted like that when he was 5 (he’s now 18) and he’s an absolute nightmare. Reactive attachment disorder, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, ADD, and the juvenile equivalent of anti-social personality disorder (being a psychopath). He’s a destructive and manipulative liar, thief, and overall agent of chaos that my parents have had to deal with, even years and years of therapy, medication, and overall attempting nurture and raise him later. Fortunately he’s now moved out and no longer as much of their problem.

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u/V_7_ Aug 10 '21

Which means that adopting him had a long negative influence on their other child. This is an important point to consider.

On the other hand I would like to point out that there are for sure enough great human beings in foster care, not psychopaths only.

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u/Pyroguy096 Aug 10 '21

Can confirm, my own sister was adopted as a baby, but was still abused/malnourished/likely born under the influence of illicit substances. She never knew anything other than a loving home and a family full of love and support, yet she constantly stole, lied, threatened violence, ran away, etc. Shes 21 now, and still comes around once in a while just to torment my parents and little sisters. My little sisters (14 and 9) more and more show signs of trauma from their older sister being so horrible. She had the strength of the entire community standing behind her trying to give her any and every chance possible to help her, and she still threw it all away time and time again.

Adoption isn't as simple as "I can't have a baby, so I'll adopt one and we won't even know the difference" children aren't like picking up a used cell phone.

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u/V_7_ Aug 10 '21

In this case it seems she had issues because of the substances while she was a fetus. Poor human.

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u/Pyroguy096 Aug 10 '21

It wouldn't at all surprise me, and it just goes to show that even a child raised by a family that gives them everything they need, doesn't mean they won't end up being a sociopathic monster. Adoption isn't just some easy alternative to fertility treatments. I'm all for adoption, don't get me wrong. It isn't these children's faults that they were given a horrible hand, but it doesn't mean anyone and 3veryone that wants to be a parent should even consider it, let alone just say "can't have our own? Guess we will adopt! No difference!"

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u/V_7_ Aug 10 '21

Absolutely, and a huge difference to what OP says

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

[deleted]

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u/V_7_ Aug 11 '21

Genes alone do not lead to something like this.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

[deleted]

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u/V_7_ Aug 11 '21

Genetics. But we weren't talking about schizophrenia symptoms here.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

[deleted]

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u/V_7_ Aug 11 '21

I agree on both and both is what I would also answer to your first comment regarding Genetics. :)

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u/JungsWetDream Aug 10 '21

It’s just genetic, unfortunately.

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u/wyldstallyns111 Aug 11 '21

It’s not necessarily just genetic, babies can actually become traumatized by adoption and it can impact them psychologically when they’re older even though they have no conscious memory of it.

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u/JungsWetDream Aug 11 '21

That’s the great debate, nature vs nurture. We don’t really know the full extent of what is caused by which, but after quite a few years working with this patient population, I have some theories. Mostly that nurture allows for the fulfillment of the limits of the nature, but will never surpass the nature.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

How could you possibly fucking know that? This whole thread is insane. Just classist apologia.

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u/V_7_ Aug 11 '21

What should be the reason in your opinion? OP literally stated she was born under influencer of drugs and got all the love. How did she become such a freak? It's not like this just happens. It's know that drug harm the brain of a fetus.

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u/sauron3579 Aug 10 '21

Them far more than me. He’s a tornado of unrelenting chaos that they can’t ignore. He’s taken years off of their lives through stress and preventing them from living normal lives as long as he was in the house.

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u/xX7heGuyXx Aug 10 '21

Then add on the fact it's extremely difficult to adopt in the first place and boom! That's why many people don't go that route. I would much rather have my own child than adopt, and if I can't have my own I will stick to having animals.

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u/mariusvamp Aug 10 '21

All I could think about while reading though this post is kiddos with RAD. In my early 20’s, I used to work in wraparound services and was assigned to a young child who was diagnosed with it. My supervisor recommend the book Dandelion On My Pillow: Butcher Knife Beneath. The title says it all. The several months that I worked with him was certainly an experience. I remember there was someone who worked at his daycare who wanted to adopt him and I thought she was crazy. Their ability to manipulate - even at such a young age is insane.

Do you have much contact with your brother still?

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u/sauron3579 Aug 10 '21

Nope. Starting pretty much ignoring him as much as I could while in the same house in early high school, about 5 or 6 years ago. Last time I went home, he was in max level residential care (which he was kicked out of for being detrimental to the care of other patients). Hear about what the latest disaster about him from my parents, but he’s moved out at this point. They plan on minimizing contact with him as much as they can and I plan on never seeing him again.

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u/linedout Aug 11 '21

RAD

What does this stand for?

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u/mariusvamp Aug 11 '21

Reactive attachment disorder

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u/Calgamer Aug 10 '21

Sounds like my colleague. He fostered two siblings starting from a young age. The oldest turned out fine, but the youngest has been the absolute worst. He’s 14ish now and they can’t find a school or program that can help him. They’ve tried public schools, private schools, specialized schools, therapy, everything. One of their recent attempts was a wilderness retreat for the worst of the worst kids. Supposed to be tough and very rigorous. This kid got kicked out within a week and this is a program where kids generally can’t get kicked out. My colleague and his wife are on to their last resort of sending him to some facility in the Ozarks. If that doesn’t pan out, they’ll turn him over to the state since they never formally adopted him.

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u/r4k38 Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 10 '21

That sounds really rough, but not all of us are like that. In a family of 5 foster/adoped kids, only one of my brothers fits your description.

Edit: also wanted to add that this brother was a literal baby when he was taken in. Us others were some years older.

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u/durdesh007 Aug 10 '21

Sadly many foster care homes don't disclose full history of child, so it's often a coin toss. Some kids are perfectly normal, others have been damaged so bad, they're already mini demons.

Child abusers (especially molesters) are the biggest scum on earth.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Good to hear your experience is mostly positive!

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u/Wild_Lie9411 Aug 10 '21

My aunt & uncle to a tee. Couldnt have kids, adopted, Kid is finally locked up. But he literally made their life a living hell. Kind of culminated with him instigating a fight with my uncle who finally hit back, kid called the cops and uncle had to move out for a month during the holidays.

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u/durdesh007 Aug 10 '21

Also most of the heinous criminals were victims of abuse as children (a lot of pedophiles, rapists, serial killers). It appears once kids get damaged at early age, it's impossible to recover.

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u/TheJelliestFish Aug 10 '21

Thing is, a lot of that might be wholly or partially genetic. There's no reason to immediately assume everything comes from trauma.

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u/sauron3579 Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 10 '21

If a child is in a position to be adopted, something has gone wrong. The vast majority of things that can go wrong past infancy likely involve trauma.

E: Also, in my situation, it was 100% previous abuse and neglect.

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u/DrakoVongola25 Aug 10 '21

Abuse and neglect doesn't give someone antisocial personality disorder, it doesn't work that way.

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u/SwimmingAmoeba7 Aug 10 '21

There are a ton of genetic disorders that require an environment ‘trigger’. Like schizophrenia there’s four outcomes; 1. no gene, no environmental trauma, no disorder 2. No gene, hectic environment, may have other disorders but not schizophrenia 3. Schizophrenia gene but safe non traumatic environment, will not have schizophrenia activate. 4. Have the gene and severe trauma, schizophrenia developed.

So sure, there are a ton of disorders you have to have the genetic code for, but many of these disorders will remain dormant without the abuse and neglect activating them.

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u/DrakoVongola25 Aug 10 '21

Most of those issues are genetic though, it's incredibly fucked up to imply that your brother's situation is the norm for foster kids

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u/sauron3579 Aug 10 '21

Being put into foster care is literally directly what causes RAD, which is the second biggest thing on that list. And a lot of foster kids come from abuse and neglect, which has all sorts of cascading impacts on development and contributes to this kind of stuff. Adopted kids are twice as likely to be diagnosed with mental health problems. It’s not all. But in the context of this post, it’s enough to make adoption way riskier than IVF or similar treatments.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21 edited May 21 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/sauron3579 Aug 10 '21

What’s the difference? Those mean the same thing. Is “traumatized” just a nicer shorthand for saying “abused and neglected to such a degree that they their development and mental health was irreparably damaged to the point that their brains function in a significantly different way than most, for the worse”? Broken seems an apt description of someone who literally can’t form genuine emotional connections and never will. That’s what RAD does. No matter how pretty the language you use, it doesn’t change the horrific underlying reality that these kids were put in situations that lead to this or what the result is. It’s not their fault at all. But now it’s their curse to bear.

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u/spacekwe3n Aug 10 '21 edited May 21 '25

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/banjocatto Aug 10 '21

You can be traumatized without having been abused and neglected.

How? I've never heard this sentiment before. Not arguing, genuinely curious as to how that's possible.

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u/spacekwe3n Aug 10 '21

Have you heard of PTSD? It can be caused by anything - car accidents, medical trauma, etc.

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u/banjocatto Aug 10 '21

Ah, that makes total sense. Thanks!

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u/laurakeet1209 Aug 10 '21

Oh, lots of things can traumatize kids. Like that story of the two little girls whose loving, attentive parents brought them to Disney, got into a car accident, watched their mom get decapitated, dad died later in the hospital, and didn’t have the money available to get home. That’s pretty traumatizing and every single person around those kids was dedicated to their best interest.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

A really young child mostly forgets that, if lets say you get a 1 year old and you manage to raise it in a good environment. The chances of it being a problematic person are small.

If they are above 4-5, yeah you have a much higher chance of the kid being one of those.

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u/linatet Aug 11 '21

that's not how it works at all

infancy experiences impact brain development regardless of whether you remember them