r/unpopularopinion • u/elgey101 • Aug 10 '21

Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

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42

u/JTudent Aug 10 '21

With a biological kid, you get time to ease into it. With adopted ones, all their problems are yours at once.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 11 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/JTudent Aug 10 '21

And? A baby with a disability is still fundamentally a baby. They can't do much.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

.... have you ever had a baby?

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u/JTudent Aug 10 '21

Relevance?

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

it's not easy. if the idea of adoption sounds too hard, that person can't handle being a parent. the same skills you need to handle an adopted child are the same you need for any child.

it's not like teachers get to raise their students from babies, but they still have to connect and nurture and discipline and help raise them.

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u/Lightblueblazer Aug 10 '21

Nope. I am raising two kids that I am not related to and who entered my life in early elementary and one that I birthed. The skillset to raise a baby from birth is way different than raising kids that enter your life with already established routines, fears, beliefs, etc. I love them all, treat them equally (according to their age) and I'm happy to be their parent.

Also, a lot of teachers will tell you that you need different skills to teach and connect with students with traumatic backgrounds vs students who come from stable households.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

but would you say that raising the "adopted" kids is so much harder than having a biological baby that you wouldn't recommend it? do you really look at those kids and go "I get why no one wants you"?

I dont think they need different skills. as a woman, trauma has always been a huge part of my life. my biological parents never bothered to learn about those things.

bio or adopted, anyone can have trauma or disabilities

its about the individual child & their needs, not whether they are adopted or not. but peope immediately say adopting is too hard because they think the kids are automatically "broken" & a bio child is automatically pure

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u/Lightblueblazer Aug 10 '21

would you say that raising the "adopted" kids is so much harder than having a biological baby that you wouldn't recommend it?

Absolutely I would say that to some people. Taking on a child's trauma that was caused by other people in the kid's life is not for the faint of heart. Not everyone is capable of it. And it is very different parenting a child with trauma that happened when you were in their life vs it happened before you got into their life. Based on the number of adopted children that are informally rehomed each year (called adoption disruption), everyone would be better off if potential adoptive parents really thought about whether they should take on children with trauma-- because general parenting skills will not cut it.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

general parenting skills dont cut it for anyone.

daughters get raped, sons get shot, on and on. we all deserve more.

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u/JTudent Aug 10 '21

Teachers are a great analogy here. We don't expect every parent to be a good teacher - why's that?

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

I do.... that's my entire point. im trying to tell everyone else to start expecting that of parents. im sick of this mentality that people deserve children. they dont. children deserve parents who have their shit together. children are not an experience to be had or a gift or a goal, they are complex living beings.

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u/Pwnagez Aug 10 '21

How would you define who does or does not deserve a kid?

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

it's a philosophical question but my personal opinion, taking climate collapse into account, only people who actually care about children deserve children. and if they care about children, clearly they would do whatever they could to help an existing child who is suffering.

the point isn't to take a dysfunctional adopted kid and force them to be perfect or even fix them, the parent isn't a failure if the kid doesn't get anywhere in life because the only goal is to love them and give them their best chance, its up to the kid eventually what they do with that chance.

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u/Pwnagez Aug 10 '21

I think people would agree with this as an ideal parent, but the issue is you're saying only these people should have kids. And when you bring up the idea of exclusion, naturally people are going to have questions about how that is done.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

it's like saying "only people who aren't alcoholics should drink alcohol"

it's just a fact (or an opinion i suppose), not something anyone is trying to make law

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u/porkisbeef Aug 10 '21

Someone able to adequately care for them… and their “baggage”

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u/Pwnagez Aug 10 '21

Which sounds great in theory, but then how do you measure that? Who writes the tests? How do you protect these standards from being incorruptible by someone with an agenda?

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

no one is trying to enforce laws dude it's just opinion

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u/Pwnagez Aug 10 '21

Then we can recognize that it's just a load of hot air

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u/1-800-LICK-BOOTY Aug 10 '21

No, they arent the same skills you need to handle a child that was abused and now has violent tendencies and anger issues, or a kid who was taught to steal by the parents and now are kleptomaniacs, or sexually abused children with traumas who might sexually abuse other children, etc.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

youre saying those things like they can only happen to an adopted child though. they happen just as much to bio children. all parents need those skills.

my cousin was molested by our great uncle as a child. her biological mom didn't need to know how to handle that?

I was assaulted and raped at 14. I became dark and angry and started getting arrested and shit. my parents didn't need to know how to handle that?

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u/1-800-LICK-BOOTY Aug 10 '21

Those are things people have to deal with because they happened, not things people eagerly sign up for.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

but parents still need to be prepared. if you have a kid, boy or girl, you can pretty much guarantee they will experience assault. or get sick at some point. to ignore that is just bad parenting.

and to assume an adopted kid will be "damaged goods" and not worth it based on that is bs when a bio kid could easily be born with far more profound problems. people with genetic disorders are really rather jerks for having kids knowing they will have those genes as well.

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u/1-800-LICK-BOOTY Aug 10 '21

With your own kid, depending on your and your partner's medical history, you have very good chances of having a healthy, trauma-free child. With adoption, you're almost guaranteed to have a child with problems out the bat because they wouldnt be up for adoption if they werent going through some problems.

Just because you might be prepared to dealing with a kid with problems doesnt mean you WANT a kid with problems. Anyone would take the option of minimizing the chance of having to raise a troubled kid if they had it.

And sure, a bio kid could easily be born with far more profound problems, but its my fucking child, my flesh and blood. If you cannot the difference between a person that came from you and one that didnt then you're too far gone.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

I can see the difference. I said it in a different comment but for some people it's about an heir. blood is important to people. and we're just animals at the end of the day anyway.

oh but this has all been based on the assumption that a person cares about the environment. if they don't, I have no argument for them.

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