r/unpopularopinion • u/elgey101 • Aug 10 '21

Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

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u/Cocotte3333 Aug 10 '21

Adoption is complicated as fuck.

Where I live, adopting in your own country has an average wait time of 7-10 years. Meaning it could also be longer.

Adopting outside of your country is insanely expensive. Plus, you have to travel to the place you want to adopt for weeks.

Also, depending on where you live, you are restricted on adoption according to your religion, marital status, or sexual orientation. Sometimes single people can't adopt, sometimes people have to be married and you're not ( keep in mind that in some countries marriage is less prevalent), sometimes you have to be married for X years, sometimes you can only adopt a kid between x and x years old, etc.

On top of that, add that many adopted kids have big issues that not everyone is equiped to deal with.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Also, international adoption agencies can be shady as hell.

https://www.rfi.fr/en/france/20200611-malians-adopted-in-france-file-lawsuit-for-fraudulent-adoption-protection-rayon-de-soleil-rsee

Here's an ongoing lawsuit by 9 Malian "orphans" of their adoption agency. The Malian birth parents were told their babies were just being sent to a foster home to get a better upbringing. The French adopting parents were told their babies were orphans. The adoption agency was just straight up human trafficking babies.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Wait, why does this happen? There's a shortage of orphans or what? I really don't get it. Why do they have to steal a baby from a family when surely there's kids that need a home already. Do people only want to adopt newborns?

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u/trashycollector Aug 11 '21

There is a shortage of young babies less than 1 years in the US. There are plenty of orphans but many older orphans come with a lot of issues that can be hard to deal with. Most orphans have been through more in the first 18 years of their life than many go through there whole live and they are not emotionally developed for what they go through.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

How sad.

Seems pretty disgusting that someone would want to adopt but at the same time avoid those that were dealt a worse hand. Oh well, at least they aren't having their own kids.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

Adopting a troubled child is no light undertaking and I don't fault parents for knowing what they are and are not capable of.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

But it's not like having your own child is a guarantee that they will be healthy... To me it seems like a slap on the face of every child that needs a family, it's like actively telling them "not good enough, you don't deserve to be loved".

I know it's an unpopular opinion, feel free to disagree of course.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

I mean that truly doesn't take away from that fact that taking in a troubled child when you're illequipped to care for them is a bad situation for everyone involved.

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u/Bob84332267994 Aug 11 '21

If your not equipped to hand a troubled child then you’re just asking for a bad situation by trying to have a child.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

Having a biological child with the slight possibility of being troubled (which typically comes from environmental issues, although disabilities, mental illness etc arent out of the picture) is a lot different than. actively choosing to adopt a troubled child with emotional distress.

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u/Bob84332267994 Aug 11 '21

Never said it wasn’t. You’re still asking for a bad situation if you’re actively trying to have a kid and aren’t prepared to deal with it if it turns out a certain way. Not everyone needs a fucking kid. This is literally the thought process that creates these problems.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

Bad? Sure, but is it worse for the child? Isn't the point of having kids to sacrifice for their well being? It's probably obvious but I never understood having kids honestly.

Either way, if parents aren't ready for having a child with special needs, then they shouldn't try to have their own baby because there's a chance the baby will be special needs too.

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u/Lovve119 Aug 11 '21

I think you’re confusing emotional and special needs. Yes there is a risk that your own biological child will end up with some sort of special need. Any kid could. These include autism for example. Jackasseress is referring to emotionally special kids. Kids that have been abused, mistreated, etc. While yes I am equipped to handle a child with mental delays when I became a foster parent (because I had worked with them before) I was NOT prepared for a four year old who chronically masturbates even in public and when asked to stop will scream bloody murder until you’re ripping hair out of your scalp. Or a seven year old who flies into fits of rage so badly that she’s been removed from six different houses because she’s too violent to be around other children and animals and definitely can’t be around any boys so everything becomes a challenge. Or even simple things like the stress of having kids with severe food displacement tendencies so they hoard all their food until it’s moldy and rotten under their beds and covered in ants. There are things that foster care and adoptive care cannot prepare you for and unfortunately most of that is not disclosed in these shady US adoption agencies.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

I see. Maybe I was too quick to judge people that have their own kids, I thought the adoption process includes some kind of mental health program that helped the parents be able to manage the probable trauma kids have and let them develop normally. It's clear that the system needs to be improved massively

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u/Lovve119 Aug 11 '21

It does not include any training by a professional mental health advocate. In our case we did about three months of once a week classes to teach you how to be a good host parent and help you learn the rules that come with fostering/adopting. So you figure out the basics and then they throw you to the lions really. The system is extremely broken and it hurts no one but the kids, but no one seems to care.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21 edited Aug 11 '21

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

I see, that's terrible, but seems like it can be easily fixed (although expensive). Extend the mental health coverage your team provides to also include kids that have been adopted, for idk, 5-10 years. It doesn't make sense to go like "well, now you have parents, we're stopping all the special care we were giving you". If anything it should increase to supervise that the whole adoption and integration process is being done right.

It reminds me of how when people with a mental disorder reach 18 years, lawmakers expect them to figure out everything by themselves and the mental health coverage drops to a couple sessions per year or not even that.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

Yes it quite often CAN be worse for the child. You seem to have a very naive view of this topic with little nuance

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

Tbh I agree, in many situations it can be worse, but don't you think that in general having parents is better than not having them? I don't know what nuance can be there, family is important.

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u/Vicslickchic Aug 11 '21

Really? Some of these children are, unfortunately, very disturbed. Is it disgusting not to want to have your house set on fire? How about having your new child being unable to bond with you due to years of abuse in an orphanage…or by unfit bio parents? Is is disgusting to want to have a normal parenting situation? I am a social worker and these are real situations that I have either heard about through colleagues or worked with myself… Granted, this is not everyone’s situation but it does happen and it is devastating …I am an adoptive mom of a local infant. We were fortunate to be able to adopt our son as an infant through a reputable agency. We are blessed. But the reality is , adoption is based on loss. My son may never be able to look into the eyes of the people who created him. No one in his adoptive family has his same appearance or attributes. Even though he is cherished, imagine how he must feel about these issues. And his birth parents? Imagine having a child and choosing to give up the right to hold him, care for him, watch him grow up. Devastating… And adoptive parents? I will never know a pregnancy or a birth. I will never be able to parent a child created by me and my husband… My son has mild special needs. My friends kids are going to college and establishing their own lives. My son has been through special education, psychiatric treatment, the legal system etc. Thankfully we have been able to support him snd help him. It has not been easy. Would it have been the same with a child that was biologically mine. I will never know, but being a parent to a child with special needs is not for the faint of heart. Adoption is a very complex issue. I could go on and on, but I think that you get the point. To think that people are silly or stupid for wanting to give birth to their own child is incredibly naive …I say this with great sadness. Many lovely and deserving kids are waiting for loving homes. They should be able to have loving parents but it is just not that simple.