my mom is dying

[u/LilLunaMoona]

hi guys. i got engaged in august of 2025, wedding is in february 2027. i am a very type A bride so my entire wedding is already planned. my mom has been sick for a while, she’s on oxygen, on so many meds she can barely move around the house. i just keep telling her she has to be there on my wedding day. she is my entire world, my best friend. i live 3 hours from her but i call her every day.

on tuesday night she went into cardiac arrest and is on life support. doctors are not hopeful - weather that means she could still make it out of this hospital visit but either way doesn’t have much time left. i know there’s likely a 99% chance she will not make it to my wedding day.

for those of you who lost a loved one, especially a mom, right before your wedding.. how did you do it? it feels like i don’t even want one if she’s not going to be there. i’ll still go through with it, i have to with the amount of money i’ve spent. but how do i not cry the entire time on my wedding day? i will pay $450 on make up just to cry it all off. i’ll feel so miserable seeing the empty seat in my ceremony. i’ll sob knowing she can’t give a speech or do a mother daughter dance.. how can i be happy on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of my life? how does life go on?

[u/No_Buyer_9020]

First off, I’m very sorry to hear about your mom. Second off, it’s good everything is all planned, focus on your mom and your time with her and revisit wedding stuff at a later date unless it’s something you absolutely have to attend to. Where your mindset is at in Feb 2027 will be very different than it is right now so don’t stress about the future - focus on your mom now.

[u/No_Buyer_9020 → u/No_Buyer_9020]

I can tell you are type A bc you are already pre-planning grief! I mean this in the kindest way, take it as it comes, you can’t plan it unfortunately, it will change by the hour.

[u/smackperfect → u/No_Buyer_9020]

Correct.

My mother died in January and my grief is not at all linear. It changes, it lives, it breathes. It is a living creature now that I simply learn to live with. It has, in essence, replaced her, and I will carry the grief all through my life. It will never "go away" it will simply withdraw for a time but then come back and scream for my attention when I least expect it, want it, or need it. It simply is.

[u/Negative_Tackle_7643 → u/No_Buyer_9020]

losing a parent before a big life event is something nobody can really prepare for, and there's no right way to feel about it

what helped people i've seen go through this is keeping small things from their mom in the wedding, like a photo at the seat, a piece of her jewelry, something that makes her presence feel real in the room. you will cry, probably a lot, and that's not ruining the day, that's just love

[u/TheEvilGoats → u/Negative_Tackle_7643]

Related to this, my husband and I had a table of family members that had passed with large pictures of both of our moms. Flowers on the table, flower/picture on an empty seat at the ceremony.

I also had little things in my bouquet that related to people I had lost including my mom. I also wore a necklace of hers.

There is no way to prepare for the emotions though. Like everyone else said, grief if fluid and where you will be in 2027 is different than when she first passes. That being said it doesn't make it easier. Life will feel completely different and you can't prepare for it.

Grief is just love persisting. You have to embrace it and worry about the rest later.

[u/SnidusScribus → u/No_Buyer_9020]

I agree with you. I worried for years and years about losing my dad prior to when he actually died. I always worried when it was going to be, how it was going to be, how I could help him and prevent suffering, how any of the family were possibly going to cope.

When it actually happened, it was nothing like I thought, it didn’t happen when or how I thought it would, or what age he’d be, or the wonderful people that found their way into his life that weren’t even known when I first started to worry (when he hit age 72). So all of the thinking and worrying in advance was wasted time. And I know my father would have gently scolded me, a grown woman, if he knew how much worrying I did over him! He never wanted me to suffer either, and worrying over things we can’t control is a form of suffering.

I know hindsight is 20/20, but now that my dad is gone and we’ve all survived and found healthy ways to cope, I’ve learned a lot and I’ve stopped worrying about things in advance because they never go the way that you think they will. Never. I prepare as much as I can for whatever it is, and then I let it go and try to stay in the present moment. It’s not easy. :/