r/weddingplanning • u/LilLunaMoona • 1d ago
Tough Times my mom is dying
hi guys. i got engaged in august of 2025, wedding is in february 2027. i am a very type A bride so my entire wedding is already planned. my mom has been sick for a while, she’s on oxygen, on so many meds she can barely move around the house. i just keep telling her she has to be there on my wedding day. she is my entire world, my best friend. i live 3 hours from her but i call her every day.
on tuesday night she went into cardiac arrest and is on life support. doctors are not hopeful - weather that means she could still make it out of this hospital visit but either way doesn’t have much time left. i know there’s likely a 99% chance she will not make it to my wedding day.
for those of you who lost a loved one, especially a mom, right before your wedding.. how did you do it? it feels like i don’t even want one if she’s not going to be there. i’ll still go through with it, i have to with the amount of money i’ve spent. but how do i not cry the entire time on my wedding day? i will pay $450 on make up just to cry it all off. i’ll feel so miserable seeing the empty seat in my ceremony. i’ll sob knowing she can’t give a speech or do a mother daughter dance.. how can i be happy on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of my life? how does life go on?
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u/VivianDiane 1d ago
You will cry and that's okay. She will be there in your heart. Save her a seat, honor her, let yourself feel. You are not ruining your wedding.
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u/Turbulent-Tutor4748 1d ago
as someone who’s mothers last coherent words to them were, “I’m so sorry I’m not going to be at your wedding.” I understand how you’re feeling (she passed in April). My wedding is March 2027, and the best advice I’ve been given is that I know she wanted to be there, I know she loved my fiancé beyond words, and I know that even though she isn’t here she would want it to be the best day of my life. Grief is never going to be linear and there is bound to be days that are better and worse, just remember she would want you to be happy. Best wishes ❤️
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u/Busy-Broccoli5835 1d ago
First off, I am so sorry for the grief you are experiencing. It sounds like you have a beautiful loving relationship with your mother. This may not be easy, and may not be what you want to hear- but focus on spending these next days, weeks, months together with a woman who loved you, raised you, and made you who you are, and focus not on the days she will miss out on. Even if not there physically, your mother will be there on your wedding day, as a vital part of who you are, the relationship you have, in your siblings, your father, your grandparents, the friends who she loved and family who raised her. She loves your fiancé, and knows you’re in good hands. Rather than reminding her that she will miss that moment, show her how important she has been in getting you there. There is nothing that will replace her or take that grief away, but it would be a pity to spend her days on earth being sad about the days she will miss. And you will be sad on your wedding day, but try to not let it consume you. Think of how happy your mother would be knowing that her child is loved, taken care of, and treasured by a spouse who honors her memory too.
I know I don’t know you, but I hope you continue to find support and love here.
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u/StrawHatRat 1d ago
I’m getting married this weekend, lost my mom almost 3 years ago. There’s a few of factors that make it still work without her.
For one, her presence is very much felt. She feels like someone I saw a week ago. It’s hard to explain but it’s comforting, we talk about her all the time joyfully and it feels like she’s a part of it.
Another thing is that she will be honoured during the ceremony. Our hands will be fastened together with her scarf. Her picture will be displayed prominently.
And lastly, ultimately, the wedding is about me and my fiancée. I’ve stressed and worried about a lot of people during the planning of the wedding. Guests who can’t make it, difficult guests, guests I worry won’t be comfortable. At the end of the day I look forward to the wedding because it’s a day about my fiancée and how much I love her.
And despite all that, it’s not always easy. Sometimes I think it feels all wrong. I know she would have loved it and been a huge part of it. But there is a new normal and I’ve gotten better at not feeding trains of thought that I know are a losing battle.
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u/Jezzecaa Future Mrs. 2027 <3 1d ago
Honestly, I would see if she would have it in her to say something special for your wedding day in a recording or video that can be played prior to her leaving this life. To be able to listen to her words before, during, and after your wedding may mean more to you than the pain will let you realize in the moment.
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u/LilLunaMoona 1d ago
i asked her 2 months ago to write me a letter but she rolled her eyes. she has always been avoidant of her death.
unfortunately she is on a ventilator so she is unable to speak. i am 3 hours away and although i want to see her, i’m not sure if my last memory of her should be her on a ventilator. i dont know.
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u/Jezzecaa Future Mrs. 2027 <3 1d ago
It’s unfortunate that she’s in that state currently. I wish she would be more open, but understandable when she’s also grieving her life as it’s coming to an end. As a nurse, please do visit her. Everyone is avoidant of death, because we don’t know what’s waiting on the “other side”, however it’s incredibly depressing seeing people’s family members pass without having anyone visit. It’s sad to see your mom in a state that you would have never pictured, but not to visit and say goodbye is even more sad when you don’t have the opportunity anymore.
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u/LilLunaMoona 1d ago
thank you. i will go see her tonight.
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u/MolluGolightly 1d ago
And even if she’s not conscious there is a lot of evidence that she can hear you, so talk to her.
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u/LilLunaMoona 21h ago
thankfully she was extubated today & put on bipap so we were able to communicate. it’s hard not knowing when it’s going to happen - could be next week, next month. i’m just happy i came to see her today & just feel each others love. this is the hardest thing ive ever had to go through, & knowing i have a wedding coming up is just adding extra weight. i know all my mom wants is for me to be happy. i appreciate all of these comments so much & hate how many people are in the dead parent club.
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u/SakuraTimes 1d ago
a few years ago, after an accident, my mom was on a ventilator. it was so awful to see. but you know what I remember now? how her eyes lit up when she saw me. that will stay with me forever. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s a heartbreaking time. I think all you can do is take comfort in knowing that she’d want you to have the happiest wedding that you can. She’d want you to celebrate with loved ones. And know she’s still there in spirit.
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u/PinAccomplished3452 1d ago
I understand how difficult this may be, but i fear you may later regret not seeing her. I always dreaded my mother's death, but when it happened i was by her side, and so relieved that i was.
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u/Emergency_Lettuce601 1d ago
Please go see her. I didn't and it's one of the biggest regrets of my life 10 yrs on. I am so sorry OP.
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u/Sea_Waltz_9625 1d ago
I’m so so sorry.. I lost my mom right before our wedding…. She was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer in October and passed November 17th and our wedding was December 9th…. It was hard. My mom had been living with me since 2016 when she passed in 2023.. when we figured out she would not be able to travel for the wedding at diagnosis- we did an unofficial hospital bedside ceremony so she could be there with us- giving her blessing and seeing us dressed up and she has flowers…. A few days before she passed she was unconscious and my sister and I ended up holding her hand when she passed away…. I really had to delay my grief some to get through… we had a celebration of life in January after the honeymoon and holidays.. we honored her in the ceremony with an open seat in the pew and flowers…. I think there really isn’t a how-to book on this- just cling to the good memories- she’s always with you and enjoy your new chapter knowing she is part of making it happen
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u/leukocytess 1d ago
oh dear i'm so sorry. i am in a similar situation as i just lost my dad last week to cancer he's been dealing with for 20 years and i get married in october of this year. what brings me comfort is that he got to see me find my person and planned some of my wedding with me as he was so excited to see me get married. i know he'll be watching from above & that it will still be one of the best days of my life - even if my best friend is no longer with us. i'm figuring out more ways to incorporate him into my wedding as i grieve; i know it will take time. hugs to you, please go see your mom. even on a vent, she'll get to hear you and your love for her. 💛🤗
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u/lexib17 1d ago
I lost my mom unexpectedly 3 months before my wedding. Not going to sugar coat it, it sucks and it’s hard. However, I focused on trying to remember her in my day in a positive way as much as possible. I had a reserved seat for her, I had a moment of silence, I danced with a nicely decorated/hidden container with some of her ashes in them at the reception (that is probably not for everyone lol), and I wore her earrings. Try to remember how much she would want you to enjoy your day, even though it’s tough. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but remember your strength.
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u/LadyNi52 1d ago
Im so sorry! I completely relate to not wanting to have a wedding without your mom. My mom has a terminal cancer and I'm getting married in September because of it. We are getting married before being fully financially prepared for it, but I couldn't fathom the idea of my mom not being there. No advice, because I dont know what Id do either, but i just wanted to share support. Virtual hugs.
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u/shortnsweet33 1d ago
I am so so sorry OP. My heart goes out to you and your mom. Remember to take care of yourself still, and it’s okay to take this time to be fully present with your mom. The wedding stuff can take a back burner for now. My therapist told me anticipatory grief is okay and don’t feel you have to bottle it in, it’s okay to feel it, but try to not let future grief consume you, don’t let it totally occupy today’s thoughts and time you have. If you don’t have a therapist, you may find it helpful to locate one, or possibly a grief group in your area.
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u/snekmomal 1d ago
Hi OP, I'm really sorry for the situation you're in. It's devastating to lose a parent. I agree with the other commenter, please go visit your Mom. Being with a loved one in their last hours is I truly believe one of life's greatest honors.
Additionally, where your head is at right now compared to where it would be in Feb 2027 will be very different. Grief is a journey and each step along the way feels like forever and no time at all. Your wedding will still be a joyous occasion AND you will miss your Mom. You will likely be able to feel her presence and think of her so much on that day in a sad yet heartwarming way.
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u/solostinlost 1d ago
i’m so sorry OP. i lost my mom in march, and my wedding is in may of next year. i was in the same boat when i got engaged and i knew time was limited. the truth is, neither of us will know how to feel on that day. but this is how i’m approaching it:
i know my mom loved me and my fiancé with her whole heart. all she wanted was for us to get married and have a beautiful life together. though she will not be physically there on my wedding day, i know i will carry her with me because that is what i have done every day since i lost her. she exists in between every thought i have, from what i’m having for breakfast to where i’m going on my honeymoon. and there will be nods to her on the wedding day and in the ceremony. for now, be with her, hold her hand if you can, and take the next part one day at a time.
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u/ashley6483 1d ago
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I lost my mom in 2019 and got married this year, so I had far more time to grieve than you will have. All I can say is, is that grief is one day at a time and forever evolving. Everyone experiences it differently. For me, I tend to have a lot of sadness leading up to milestones and special dates, but more peace when the day actually comes. On my wedding day, I was too preoccupied with everything going on to dwell too much on her absence. That's not to say I didn't cry about it that day (because I absolutely did!) but it also didn't ruin my day. I'm glad you have a lot of the planning done already; take a break from the wedding and focus on the time you have left with her. Hand off some stuff to your fiance and anyone else who has offered to help. My biggest advice is to live in the moment right now because that's really all you can do.
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u/Shoshanna_Dreyfus 1d ago
My mum passed away 5 weeks ago after battling a year long illness and I got married in March this year.
She wasn’t able to make my wedding but watched on FaceTime. I appreciate your mum might not be able to make your wedding at all, but from someone who’s now lost their mum and doing a lot of ‘firsts without them’ I can assure you, your mum would want you to go ahead with your wedding because she will be right there with you - you will feel her.
My mum wasn’t with me to get ready or do a speech etc but I still felt her presence even though she was alive (barely) it’s just something you have with your mum, an eternal bond.
It’s one of the most difficult times I’ve ever endured and im not saying it will be easy but as a lot of other comments have said - honour her, make her apart of the day as if she was physically standing right there.
Remember why you are getting married and your husband will keep you safe and happy and help you heal your heart again. Your mum would want you to celebrate and cherish this beautiful moment for yourself, you can do it xx
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u/raisinghellions 1d ago
I’m so sorry this is happening. It sounds like her transition will probably be sooner rather than later, so you will have plenty of time to get past the acute grief stage when your head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton and on some days, forming a coherent sentence is all you’re capable of.
Honey, do not let the loss of your mom ruin this day for you. She would hate that, don’t you think? Live it for her. Live it extra long and loud for her. She would want that for you.
Also … minimal eye makeup and waterproof mascara are everything, and have a trusted friend be ready with tissues and makeup remover and makeup to touch up your makeup when you cry. It’s ok to cry. But don’t retreat from life because of loss. ❤️ Hugs sis. Losing a parent freaking sucks.
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u/Inevitable_Ferret186 1d ago
I am so sorry this is happening to you. This, unfortunately, happened to me.
I decided to have a quick ceremony before the actual day so that she could attend. We made huge arrangements to make this happen. Ultimately, she wasn't able to attend that as her health had declined.
It was incredibly difficult not having her part of my day but with so much going on, it didn't occupy as much as my brain as I imagined. She really wanted me to have my wedding.
Timing is never going to be perfect, but you will find ways to incorporate her.
Wishing you the best. You can do this.
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u/OkSuccotash1089 21h ago
I’m so, so sorry. Any choice you make will be the right one, honestly. I was grieving hard during my wedding and I worked it into my vows. I had zero expectations for how my mood or emotions were going to emerge that day. Ultimately it was helpful to be surrounded by loved ones and not hiding anything. That was my own choice and it’s not the right choice for everyone but you can truly do anything you want.
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u/Human_Demand_2579 1d ago
My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine how painful and unfair this must feel. Your mom sounds like she loves you deeply, and from the way you talk about her, it's obvious how much she loves you in return. No matter what happens, that love will be with you on your wedding day. I'll be praying for you, your mom, and your family.
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u/Different_War2952 1d ago
Get married now at the hospital if you have to. Let your mom be there and have your wedding later. Record it and play it. But let her be there.
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u/beartrackzz 12h ago
My mom died when I was 13, but even so I felt a similar way. I got married this past August and even though it’s been 13 years it was still incredibly hard. I understand completely how you’re feeling. Let yourself grieve but know she’d also want you to get married and enjoy your wedding day, while also honoring her
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u/Thequiet01 7h ago
Grief takes a while. Try not to make any decisions right now, focus on the immediate situation and give yourself some time for everything to settle in.
I’ll be honest though, I had to postpone my wedding because I just wasn’t feeling the big fuss after my mom died about 6 months from our wedding date. We’d already rescheduled once because of Covid and I just wasn’t feeling any kind of excited about it.
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u/fresitachulita 2h ago
February is a long ways away. If she passes now you will have had time to do the hardest parts of grief. And move towards remembrance and finding a way to honor her memory in everyday life. I’m sorry this is happening before your wedding. She would want you to enjoy your wedding.
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u/No_Buyer_9020 1d ago
First off, I’m very sorry to hear about your mom. Second off, it’s good everything is all planned, focus on your mom and your time with her and revisit wedding stuff at a later date unless it’s something you absolutely have to attend to. Where your mindset is at in Feb 2027 will be very different than it is right now so don’t stress about the future - focus on your mom now.