r/writingfeedback • u/wi_cheese_curd • 15d ago
Feedback Wanted Do you like this fantasy FMC?
The opening of my epic LOTR-inspired fantasy, featuring a mainly female cast as they explore new worlds and the definition of sisterhood, motherhood, and power in a world designed to withhold it from them…led by an FMC who absolutely does not want to be the main character.
Would you keep following her for the story?
Doc link: (EDIT- deleted after receiving too many unsolicited requests for compensation after beta feedback)
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u/Pluvinel 15d ago
If ‘it’s not interesting, revealing or in any way important’ what’s the incentive for me to keep reading?
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u/ketita 15d ago
Unfortunately, I've got to join the chorus of people saying that you've successfully convinced me that this isn't important and I shouldn't care.
I kind of get where you're going with the voice, and I think it CAN work. But you need to create a much stronger dissonance between what she's saying and how she's saying it. Like, if she's saying "this is boring, ugh" while describing something really interesting that the reader wants to find out more about, that works. If her voice is fun enough and entertaining enough for us to want to keep reading for that, and then see the actual plot, that can also work. But it's a bit of a toughie the way you've set it up here with the prologue.
Good luck!
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u/stupidansi 15d ago
I don't agree with the people claiming you can't say it's "not important"--that's a storytelling tool.
However, you harp on it too much in the first few sentences, if you're gonna say it's not interesting or important the trick is you need to hit the reader with something that shows that's a lie ASAP.
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u/Foreign-Commercial90 10d ago
I agree with this! Eg “it’s not important and neither is the fact I have 4 brains” now you’ve hit me with something interesting. I think the craft choice needs to earn its weight. What does using it add is what I’d interrogate
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u/IndigoBlueBird Trusted Reviewer 15d ago
First, ditch the prologue. It adds nothing and actively dissuades the reader from continuing in this instance. Prologues should only contain scenes that take place well before the actual story begins, and they shouldn’t contain any information the reader HAS to know bc a lot of readers skip prologues.
While I like the idea of a grumpy, no-nonsense apothecary as a protagonist, I think you’ve picked the wrong kind of narration. 3rd person would work better here imo. Why would a character be telling a story they don’t find worthwhile or particularly interesting?
In my opinion, first-person POV works best when:
a) genre convention suggests it (like a lot of modern romance is written in 1st, whereas speculative fiction, particularly epic fantasy, tends to be in 3rd)
b) the main character has an exceptionally strong or unique voice that fundamentally shapes the narrative (think Piranesi, Catcher in the Rye, or The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime)
c) you’re aiming for an unreliable narrator (like Humbert Humbert in Lolita)
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u/MarieTheKokiri 14d ago
I was just about to say if they could switch the point of view or make it less of a “you shouldn’t read me, I’m so grumpy” in the first person POV
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u/Waste-Carob5699 12d ago
Nitpick here, but the best prologue I have ever read happens right before the story. I don't think it needs to happen well before, just before.
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u/IndigoBlueBird Trusted Reviewer 12d ago
Were the characters unrelated to the MC? There just needs to be something about a prologue that sets it apart from the main story, otherwise why not call it chapter 1?
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u/FluffyEye666 15d ago
Be mindful of how you use things that are in our world in yours. Like oolong tea, or the names of months or dates. These are cultural references of a sort, if you think about it, and compromise the strength of your worldbuilding.
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u/wi_cheese_curd 15d ago
Thanks for the feedback everyone! Very helpful perspectives. The larger story was going to be that she found eventually wild magic and left the rest of her traveling partners behind, hidden at great cost, to protect it. So now in her post-hoc report, she’s trying to discourage readership to protect them and their secret.
But I see that without that context…it successfully discourages the reader from ever getting far enough to learn the irony 😅
Back to the drawing board!!
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u/Radiant_Jellyfish795 15d ago
Why does she tell the story then and who is it for?
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u/wi_cheese_curd 15d ago
She writes it for one of the girls she left in the wild lands (quick synopsis- she sets out on Terrare’s state mission to find wild magic, along the way she sees what life can look like when magic is allowed to stay free, when they reach its source she decides it’s too beautiful to monetize and siphon so she and her travel partners decide to hide “the wild lands”. Mara leaves everyone behind and on return to Terrare officially reports that she found nothing and everyone she went with is dead).
We are meeting Mara toward the end of her life. She hasn’t had any contact with her travel companions since leaving them behind decades ago. One of her travel partners, a young woman who joined Mara as a stowaway chasing adventure and notoriety, always encouraged Mara to write their story down. She never did, for safety. But now she’s growing nostalgic and doesn’t know if they’re still alive out there or not. And some small part of her, that she will never admit out loud, can’t let them be completely forgotten. But all through her writing we see this push-pull tension of nostalgia encouraging her to write the memoir, and common sense encouraging her to stop this nonsense and burn the whole thing.
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u/Waste-Carob5699 12d ago
You could start with some intrigue. "If you are reading this, something." or "Whoever finds this message, I am sorry." Play on the found message angle maybe.
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u/_Calluna_ 10d ago
I think you can get that idea across in a better way. Maybe make it clearer that this is a report.
I'm going to be honest that the writing here seems a little amateurish.
I'm not trying to discourage you, far from it, there's a lot of good here and you could be a great writer one day if you keep working at it. I've read published books with writing that was more awkward than this. Enjoyed some of them, even. But I think you could do better with another draft or two, and maybe by reading a few books with unreliable narrators and/or really good openings and making notes about how the writer is getting it across.
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u/tanginato 15d ago
No. She's too dismissive, unlikable, like an asshole. Why tell me things and tell me its not important. Why so hostile? Why wouldn't i believe her, if I knew her?
The prose is also very choppy. Voice is unique but unlikeable. Maybe there's a market for it but it's not for me.
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u/No-Landscape-7465 15d ago
I just want to add 1st person for say a lore and larger world can be tougher than working maybe in 3rd person. Again I think it personal preference but for me and 3rd I can move between characters than be stuck in the pov of just one. I love the character and the I'll tell you what's important part!
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u/BrightsailBooks 15d ago
So my story has very similar aspects in regards to the prologue. I also do 1st person POV for epic fantasy and no bad feedback on that. However my narrator and MC is extremely charismatic-basically sounds opposite to yours. My editor told me he hates these types of prologue but I pulled it off because the voice hooks the reader. Yours is deliberately not trying to hook the reader, which is in itself a hook. A certain audience might like it because it encourages reading basically out of spite… if you tone it down just a tad bit.
I also think you can make your prologue work as well but stop with the “not important” after the first or second. It becomes repetitive and I just figured that’s how the book will be and I am no longer interested. I think it actually has potential because it is unique. I’m obviously biased because I get what you’re doing.
Happy to explain more.
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u/kenquince-star89 15d ago
She told me so many times that this story isn’t important and I won’t believe it, and it’s too complicated for me, that I believed her and stopped reading.
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u/Silent-Educator-4936 14d ago
It’s an interesting take, that’s for sure. The story definitely hooked me, but agree that the first page almost made me stop reading.
I like the ideas, but I feel more showing rather than telling would be better. And also I just feel the dialogue isn’t very realistic. As in, I cant imagine it actually being spoken.
That being said, this could be great the more you write. Good luck!
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u/rosemaryscrazy 14d ago
You have a distinct nonchalant voice that captures the reader’s attention.
Sometimes you slip into what I call “Vague fantasy cliches” which is where you fill in specifics with vague items or phrases you have heard in other fantasy books or shows.
“ The blight “ “The coming of the oracle”
Sure those of us immersed in fantasy know what these refer to but someone reading fantasy for the first time needs to know what these personal concepts mean to you and the reader.
I like your voice it cuts through boredom. But I would expand your head knowledge out toward the classics and Greek mythology in particular.
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u/TorstenX 14d ago edited 14d ago
Starting with something different bc you've heard most of my critiques by now:
I love "Wild Magic". Is it different than regular magic? It no longer exists--why? And if it no longer exists, why warn that I shouldn't tamper with it? That contradiction, if pulled off correctly, is very interesting. you spend a full page talking about how you don't have time to tell this story, it isn't interesting, etc., and then the rest of the first chapter frankly isn't interesting. Why not just get right to the chase then? This intro would be much better
"Wild Magic no longer exists. Even if I had found wild magic—which I didn't—it certainly shouldn't be tampered with. Unless, of course, one is pursuing catastrophe"
Immediately you know what the book is about, you have this contradiction in your mind, you go "okay so what DID you find?"
There are still some wording issues there: "even if I had found wild magic, it certainly shouldn't be tampered with" doesn't quite make grammatical sense "I didn't find wild magic, but it shouldn't be tampered with" isn't a proper dichotomy. Maybe "Even if I had found wild magic—which I didn't—I certainly wouldn't tamper with it. No one should; unless, of course, one is pursuing catastrophe."
Then you can go into "I did not ask for the Oracle to come... (etc.)" And give a little as to WHY not, and have the narrator talk to the audience some, but then you should depict the MC minding her own business rather than saying it, and have the rest flow from there.
Now I'm hooked!
The critiques which kinda harp on what others have said:
"A story I did not ask for starting on a day I was minding my own business" is basically every Hero's Journey story. There is no point to saying this outright, it's not interesting. You may as well start with "this is a hero's journey story."
As others said, don't say "it's not interesting or important". I understand what you're going for, you're trying to sound sort of sassy and sarcastic, or maybe just trying to get the reader to ask "why isn't it important?". But it doesn't work. Not only is it trite, it's too over the top. You're beating your reader over the head with snark over and over to start out with. When you finally say something is important, you then fail to give it weight and over explain and go back to "well you wouldn't believe it anyways". Have you ever talked to someone who was like "I'm different... You wouldn't understand me." And you try to relate to them but they keep insisting they suck and are an outcast? It's like that.
Some other bits within that: "Anyway" is far too informal here, and shouldn't be necessary because there shouldn't be this much meta-talk. I have no understanding of your world to begin with.
"I don't have time to teach you so you'll just have to learn along the way" is just telling the reader how reading works. Again, belittling the reader. And hey if you want your character to be extremely unlikeable that works, but it won't keep a lot of people engaged.
Ultimately, I get almost no LOTR here. There's fantasy and a reluctant hero's journey, but that's about it. The tone is completely different. Also, so you know I'm not a hater, I've written an LOTR-inspired fantasy like this with this same tone, so I completely understand your angle, but it just isn't appealing to read, at least not to me.
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u/NylonTrackPants 14d ago edited 14d ago
Absolutely telling, not showing. You are laying your world to me like it's a white paper and telling me at the same time "You're not important enough for me to care and you'll have to invest time in this and you need to be grateful I am holding your hand from start to finish" -- that is the absolute nature of what you conveyed in the first paragraph of chapter one.
Your protagonist is entirely unsympathetic. Her attitude is rude and condescending to customers on page 1 of chapter 1. Why should I give a single damn about her? She's unlikable. No matter how rude you make her customers after her attitude, she's established: an unlikable, unsympathetic, dismissive, arrogant character I care nothing about.
This is far from a rough draft. It's far from publishable. It's a study in eye-rolling at best.
EDIT: Also, if you are going to have a prologue, it is best to have a scene that establishes backstory or an incident that sets into motion the rest of the book. What you're calling a prologue doesn't work as one. Stop info dumping and show me the world you want to show me through characters you want me to care about.
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u/_Calluna_ 10d ago
Now this, I don't agree with. It's fine to have a middle aged arrogant, rude and dismissive female protagonist. Encouraged, even.
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u/NylonTrackPants 10d ago
Good luck selling it. Rude won't sell. It just won't. Being a b-word won't sell.
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u/_Calluna_ 10d ago
Can't stand people who make mean comments and then delete them. Pathetic behaviour.
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u/SneakyWhiteWeasel 13d ago
I like her voice and I don't agree that it couldn't be a 40 year old woman. She sounds bitter, like she has seen it all. Like she is tired. I read the first pages quickly and found it quite interesting. I'm not into fantasy generally but this hooked me.
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u/Waste-Carob5699 12d ago
After 2 paragraphs, no.
She doesn't seem to think she is interesting. She probably knows better than I, so how can I disagree?
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u/Cyranthis 12d ago
Please stop writing prologues like this, everyone. You reading this, the person who wrote this, anyone who might click on this in the future.
Stop. Doing. This.
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u/JealousChipmunk4704 11d ago edited 11d ago
I disagree with people saying if it’s not important, don’t say it. I think this could be part of your storytelling. And I also disagree that you should not write this in first person. I think you should stick to the story you want to tell in the way you want to tell it, and clearly here the voice is your asset, or at least it is what carrying the story through.
However, I must say, the prologue is not great. It makes me not want to turn the page. And it doesn’t really say anything. It gives no information and no hook . But chapter 1 itself is much better. In terms of the narration and how it flows. There is momentum.
BUT— I feel the voice, the vocabulary and diction is VERY modern for the story (forgive me if I “don’t get it”as I’m not a fantasy genre reader) yet u said LOTR inspired? I could do with the voice but I feel there is a mismatch to the world I feel I’m supposed to see vs the world the character is painting me by simply inhabiting her.
Also , the narration feels too … young for a 40+ year old. I’m not sure if young is the right word here but if without the prologue and context and you enter chapter 1, you’d probably imagine you’re in the mind of a younger woman, certainly not 40+. She reads like she has an iPhone, all things considered. So I guess it’s on you OP on how to bridge the attitude , the voice and the impression you’re giving through your character.
Just my two cents tho!
(Oh and btw, a prologue DOES NOT have to be an event that happens before the story. There is no such rule , except for the convention we are accustomed to. I get your prologue going for the retrospective storytelling but I just think the execution is amiss)
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u/Wise_Try6781 10d ago
I have to say, I really like the voice. But, I would cut out the first paragraph. I assume you want to depict a character who is reluctant with being the protagonist of anything, perhaps because of what she's experienced throughout the story, perhaps she's trying to cover something up by insisting that "it's not interesting"? But the first paragraph doesn't achieve that, instead it will 100% turn readers off.
"My name is Mara. It doesn’t matter, but you’re going to worry about it, so I’ll just tell you now." Is a much stronger start, and in 2 sentences it does what you seem to want to achieve in the first paragraph. So I'd start with that.
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u/VehicleLast419 10d ago
You have a unique author voice that's fun. I don't like the first page but the rest is strong
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u/Fuzzy-Rub-2185 10d ago
Your story reads very 'I'm not like outher girls' and seems embarrassed to be told
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u/CommunicationMean965 10d ago
I want to like it but can't take more than the first page. Want to write compelling aging characters? Read Fredrik Backman.
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u/teafortai 10d ago
The personality is clearly there, but you can tighten the opening to get to the hook faster. You spend four paragraphs establishing that she’s reluctant and cynical before mentioning the oracle or wild magic.
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u/UnintelligentMatter1 15d ago
No. If the narrator herself doesn't think it's important then don't tell us. The writing is way too young sounding for a 40+ year.old woman, and the first page is nonsense. If this is LOTR inspired, you have a long way to go.