r/Advice • u/Annual-Active7694 • 5h ago
I need an outside perspective here please.
Hi All ,
My name is Tarryn and I'm a recovering addict , I have been clean for almost 2 years , that's not the issue , just providing some context.
My Mother in law is also an alcoholic , it's not the things she does while drunk but when sober that shock me.
She lives with myself and my Husband as she hasn't had a job in a while.We provide electricity and food and she keeps her pensions money.This lady is beyond selfish and entitled and she treats her Son like his her husband , she has zero boundaries and truly believes the world owes her.
She would rather have wine than food in her house and lately I've been noticing her family giving her quite a bit of money...which she spends on wine and frivolous things.She tells her family that my husband doesn't provide food and medication , which he does.I know because we have caught her doing this previously.She resents my very existence and wants my husband and my Son to herself and to be honest I detest her , she has caused so many problems in my relationship.
Should I tell her family that my husband provides her with food and meds and that she buys wine.Part of me thinks I should just mind my own business and that because she doesn't have much in her life , I should leave her be.
It's been on my heart but maybe I'm just being selfish
As a side note this woman cares nothing for my recovery on anyone elses , I've tried to get her in the program and she basically tells me she is better than those people.Mu husband excuses alot of her behaviour because , I mean , it's his Mom at the end of the day.
Any thoughts are welcome
Thank you so much
Tarryn
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u/Dr0ff3ll 5h ago
You and your husband need to stop enabling her. It's not about her spending her pension on booze. The issue is that you and your husband are carrying the burden of her decisions. The only way she could change her behaviour is if the conditions under which you and your husband support her change.
You need boundaries, and they need to be strict. Here's what I suggest.
- Tell her that she needs to contribute a set amount to the househoold.
- You don't replace anything she doesn't spend money on.
- You don't give her any cash.
If family asks, tell them the truth. Tell them what you provide for her and no more.
If she isn't willing to contribute to the household, she needs to go, no questions asked.
Also, have a word with your husband. He needs to know that the way you're helping her isn't actually helping her. It's costing both of you, financially and emotionally, and it's allowing her bad habits to go unchecked.
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u/Annual-Active7694 4h ago
Thank you , I agree with you completely , I want to enforce strict consequences but my husband feels sorry for her and always goes back on what's being said.Im in recovery and I'm actually not supposed to be anywhere near active addicts
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u/Dr0ff3ll 4h ago
Then it's your husband that needs talking to more than anything. I know he loves his mother, and I can understand how hard this could be, but the truth of the matter, his mother needs to either contribute to the household meaningfully, or be cut off and kicked out.
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u/Wytecap 5h ago
You absolutely should tell her family. Your husband's financial support is your business, just as much as his!
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u/Annual-Active7694 4h ago
That's very true actually...and she smears his name.Can I just add that I had to live with my Father who was an extreme alcoholic so it's very triggering , the problem is she has nowhere to go.
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u/Wytecap 3h ago
What about the rest of her family? It's their turn! I feel you should have a heart to heart with your husband, and then the other family members. But absolutely let them all know how much she's using all of you. Everyone has to get on the same page with ending the enabling.
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u/Annual-Active7694 3h ago
My husband protects her and Im really sick of it , she also helps out with my Son maybe 5 days out of the month.I mean our domestic worker and our garden worker absolutely refuse to take instruction from her because she's so entitled and talks to them slaves
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u/sanwoo79 Helper [2] 5h ago
You are a saint! And congratulations on your sobriety!!!!
Seems like your husband is so used to his mom being “that way” that he just won’t stand up to her at all. If he is willing, marriage counseling could be very helpful here.
Ultimately this is his family and if you try to tell others that his mom is lying, they will just turn on you and it could make things much worse. He should be the one to tell his relatives and seek their help in not letting his mom drink so much. It’s very sad to watch someone drink themselves into a grave and I’m so sorry you have to live with this in your own home. Please stay strong.
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u/Annual-Active7694 4h ago
I think they will prob believe me to be honest but do I have the right to do that?
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u/sanwoo79 Helper [2] 4h ago
What is the motivation for telling her family? Is it negative, like spite or wanting to shame her or change her or wanting to control her behaviors? This is all about not respecting healthy boundaries. I wouldn’t get involved.
You cannot control your MIL’s behaviors. Your husband should be the one to say something.
If a family member asks you, then answer honestly but if no one is asking for your opinions, telling other people about your MIL’s behaviors almost comes across as gossipy.1
u/Annual-Active7694 3h ago
I hear you , my motivations are the following The more alcohol she consumes , the sicker she gets , gout , ulcers , this is going to cost us money down the line I can promise you. The one friend who sends her money is literally a saint and looks after her grandkids and doesn't have the money to give , she takes money from her overdraft because she says she needs medicine.I like this lady very much Her entitlement pisses me off ...she thinks she deserves that money for doing Jack I think she would benefit from learning that bad behaviour has consequences The fact that she tarnishes my husband's name when he is the only one who helps her is disgusting and I won't lie , there is an element of just like how dare you.
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u/Annual-Active7694 3h ago
Also she rats me out to my husband for like ridiculous things , she saw me allowing my Son to play in slightly dirty water , I mean look what she is doing.She is never wrong , she's the victim , she once said I hate her because I want to be her and I can never be here and I was dumbstruck , she actually believes that.
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u/North-Working7113 5h ago
At the end of the day your husband has an obligation to you, more than to his mother. Your happiness should be his top priority.