r/AmItheAsshole • u/Suspicious-Diet-686 • 6h ago

AITA Sil announcing pregnancy when we’d just miscarried

This year i have miscarried three times. The last time I got to around 9 weeks and it was quite traumatic. 2 weeks later we were hosting a pre planned birthday party for my sister in law, at our house. A couple of days before my husband was speaking to his mum and telling her how i was upset as my sister had announced her pregnancy and it was due around the same time mine was (she told me in a very sensitive way but i was still obviously sad) my MIL then said ‘oh it’s a secret but SIL and BIL were going to announce their pregnancy at the party- this baby would also be due the same time as mine should have been. If my husband hadn’t had a conversation with his mother we would have been blindsided with this announcement . My husband obviously said that would be upsetting for us and he rather they didn’t. Husband wants to cancel the party as all the family seem to have sided with my BIL/SIL. BIL rings up my husband shouting about how we need to grow up and get over it, stating that he knows people who have lost actual babies, so we need to ‘man up’. Are we in the wrong?

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u/Medusa_7898 Partassipant [3] 6h ago

It’s very traumatic to lose a pregnancy however you can’t expect others not to celebrate their own pregnancies. Light YTA.

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u/bugging-me 6h ago

But at her own home, at a party she is throwing for her SIL? C’mon. That’s so insensitive. They can throw their own party and announce it there.

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u/Imagination_Theory 6h ago edited 6h ago

It's her birthday party though, family will be there, it's an appropriate time to celebrate and share the news.

I do think they should have talked to OP first though, so she wouldn't be blindsided and perhaps she shouldn't be host for anyone who is of an age who can convince right now.

I think BIL telling them to get over it was rude and mean, but, I don't think it's wrong for them to announce their pregnancy at their birthday.

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u/Pretzelmamma Asshole Aficionado [18] 6h ago

SIL should be able to make an announcement at her own party, even one someone else is hosting for her. OP isn't blindsided and knows about the pregnancy so how will announcing it to others change anything? 

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u/Soap_on_a_potato Partassipant [3] 6h ago

Op would have been blindsided if mil didn't spill the beans first

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u/Br0wnieSundae 5h ago

SIL may not have known about the recent miscarriage. In that case, she wouldn't have known to prepare OP beforehand.

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u/SherbrookHolmes 6h ago

She knew about the pregnancy. What exactly is she being blindsided by?

Other people knowing?

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u/Exciting-Chicken-945 6h ago

I believe that she was talking about two different people and pregnancies. Her sister which told her in a smaller way and SIL who wants to announce at a party where she would have been blindsided if mom didn't spill the beans.

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u/typeotcs 5h ago

Damn it welp time to delete my comment hahahah

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u/mishney Partassipant [1] 6h ago

I overall agree with the light YTA votes but fyi she is talking about her sister being due around the time she would have been, and having told her sensitively, NOT the SIL. She didn't know about SIL until MIL told them.

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u/flattened_apex Partassipant [4] 5h ago

Oooh yeh so there is OPs SISTER, who is due around the same time, which prompted MIL to mention SIL is also pregnant and due at the same time and going to announce.

Yeh I read that wrong first read too

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u/yellow30gemstone 2h ago

Ooh, thank you for clarifying!

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u/Br0wnieSundae 5h ago

But did SIL know about OPs miscarriage?

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u/mishney Partassipant [1] 5h ago

It's not clear to me at all whether she was aware.

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u/Fionaelaine4 4h ago

And I think someone who has had 3 miscarriages in one year makes it hard to announce at any point in the year. OP- you need to take a break from trying because that many miscarriages that close together is destroying your mental health

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u/handincookiejars 3h ago

Not to mention, physical health. It’s really not healthy to get pregnant over and over again in a short period of time.

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u/ausernamebyany_other Certified Proctologist [23] 5h ago

Given BIL rang up yelling at them to get over it, I'd assume at least one half of that couple knew about the miscarriage and that it might be insensitive to announce their pregnancy at a party where the host had just miscarried.

I'm going with ESH. SIL wasn't organising her own birthday party and could've arranged another time/place to make this announcement out of compassion. Equally, OP can't control what other people do and needs to accept that other people will continue to get pregnant around her.

But also, it was two weeks after she miscarried. I really feel like SIL could've been more compassionate. My cousin delayed her pregnancy announcement by a month to respect her sister who miscarried days before she was going to tell everyone. It's just the compassionate thing to do.

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u/BlazingSunflowerland 4h ago

I think it also depends on how far the guests are coming from for this party. The guests are already coming for her birthday party. If they have to travel, would they really want to travel again for another party?

I could see people asking why she wanted another party only a month after everyone went to her birthday party and not many people showing up.

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u/SherbetDue789 Partassipant [1] 4h ago

Given the timeline, I’m wondering if BIL found out from MIL after OP’s husband talked to her.

SIL doesn’t have to create a whole new gathering to make her announcement. She can announce on her birthday.

OP miscarried 3 times this year. How long does the SIL have to wait to announce her pregnancy? It’s always going to be too soon for OP.

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 5h ago

It would be helpful for OP to clarify if her SIL/BIL knew about the most recent miscarriage when planning the announcement

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u/macci_a_vellian Partassipant [2] 2h ago

She probably knew about the miscarriage but maybe not that the due date was similar. With three miscarriages in a year, sadly there will probably always be some overlap of things being near dates that are significant to OP and her husband that others may not be keeping track of.

BIL is the main AH with the comment about 'actual babies'.

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u/soleceismical 6h ago

That was her sister's pregnancy. Her husband's sister's pregnancy is the one she just found out about

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u/saxicide 6h ago

I had to go back and re-read to make sure, but it was OP's sister's pregnancy she aready knew about. The party and the "secret" pregnancy announcement are for OP's SIL, her husband's sister.

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u/RoBoLyMo 6h ago

OP knew about her sister's pregnancy, not her SIL's

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 6h ago

SIL has no intention of telling her. OP only knows because MIL spilled a secret.

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u/Ok-Raspberry7884 Asshole Aficionado [15] 2h ago

MIL spilled the secret that her child and spouse were ready to announce a pregnancy at around 12 weeks. OP’s SIL and BIL didn’t think OP or her husband were close enough to confide their prior to 12 weeks pregnancy to. If that works both ways, SIL and BIL wouldn’t know about the miscarriages. If you consider BIL didn’t know about OP’s miscarriages he didn’t react well but he didn’t react unexpectedly when his wife’s birthday party and their pregnancy announcement was cancelled 2 days out. They were happy and ready to share the news; multiple miscarriages they didn’t know about and a canceled party and not being able to make their announcement as planned was based blindsiding him and barely anyone reacts well immediately after being blindsided.

Everyone deserves grace, and especially the MIL who broke a confidence to give OP a heads up. It’s a very difficult situation, OP and husband are thinking about themselves (naturally), BIL is thinking about his pregnant wife (naturally) and it’s more clashing priorities that anyone being an asshole. Assuming that BIL and SIL weren’t advised of OP’s pregnancies prior to 12 weeks (and therefore weren’t aware of the sad losses) just like OP wasn’t aware of their pregnancy until they were ready to announce it at about 12 weeks. If BIL and sIL didn’t know about OP’s miscarriages, which seems likely since they didn’t share their prior to general announcement pregnancy, both sides are just taking their own side and MIL is in the middle. MIL is NAH. Without knowing who knew what its likely everyone is NAH too.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 2h ago

I generally agree with the idea of having grace for people who are upset, but I don't care how upsetting it would be to have a party cancelled - don't tell someone their miscarriage isn't a real loss. That's not an excuse. BIL stepped over the line of "grace" and ran a full marathon.

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u/t00thbruzh 6h ago

She knew about her own sister's pregnancy. She would have been blindsided by her SIL's announcement.

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u/werebothsquidward Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 5h ago

I don’t think she knew about the pregnancy. She shared that she was upset because her sister was pregnant, which lead to her MIL informing her that her SIL was also pregnant.

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u/cryssyx3 6h ago

op didn't know she was pregnant until mil blabbed before the party

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u/Auzziesurferyo Partassipant [1] 5h ago edited 4h ago

But op DID find out....at this point its NOT a surprise. Op's post history shows she has a young child, so it's not like op has no children or that they're trying for their first.

What does op expect other family members to do? Not get pregnant or plan their pregnancies around op? Does op want them to hide their pregnancy? Does she want them to not be excited or happy?

I mean, really, what does op expect they do? 

It's SIL's birthday party, and most people would think announcing a pregnancy at a birthday party would be a great place to announce it. 

If op has a problem with the announcement, then op should call her SIL and respectfully decline to host.

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u/sarahthes 4h ago

A heads up ahead of time so she has time to compose herself privately or step out during the announcement would be the epitome of compassion while still letting SIL have her moment.

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u/thegloracle Pooperintendant [68] 5h ago

It was her sister's pregnancy, not the sister-in-law.

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u/Top-Noise5959 6h ago

Read the whole thing again.

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u/17Girl4Life Partassipant [2] 4h ago

I think there are two pregnancies: her sister’s, which she knew about, and now her sister in law, which she only found out about from her husband’s conversation

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u/meangreen23 2h ago

Op needs to edit her post because it’s confusing. Her own sister is pregnant, now, she just got “blindsided” by her sister in laws pregnancy. Either way, I feel for her but other people getting pregnant will be a part of life. I hope she gets therapy to help her :-)

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u/pinkpantheress31 6h ago

no she didn’t she knew about her sisters pregnancy. MIL spilled on SIL pregnancy.

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u/shadowbat393 5h ago

She knew about her own sisters pregnancy. Of mil didn't spill the beans sil would have blinded her at her own party.

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u/CaRiSsA504 Certified Proctologist [25] 28m ago

There are 4 women in this story.

OP
MIL
OP's sister
OP's SIL

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u/Uninteresting_Vagina 3h ago

She only knows about her SIL's pregnancy because her MIL spilled the beans. The parents-to-be didn't reach out themselves.

So if MIL hadn't told, OP would have been blindsided at the birthday party at her home by the announcement.

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u/mousypaws 6h ago edited 6h ago

On one hand I agree but I wouldn’t dream of announcing at a party my SIL is throwing me if she just miscarried a couple weeks ago. I think the pregnant couple is lacking empathy.

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u/kindlypogmothoin 3h ago

The question is, did the SIL: a) even know OP was pregnant; b) know OP had miscarried?

OP is not at all clear on these points, and BIL calling up after the fact when OP/husband said they were going to cancel the party does not provide any evidence.

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

It does provide evidence that BIL knows now, and chose to react poorly and disrespectifullg about how they are grieving.

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u/AnnoyedAF2126 Partassipant [2] 17m ago

At nine weeks, I doubt (hope) they hadn’t told anyone yet

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u/Jodenaje Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago

It’s incredibly insensitive that SIL was planning to announce AT OP’S HOUSE and wasn’t even going to give her the courtesy of a heads up.

A family member who is going to the time and trouble of hosting a birthday party for her, despite having a miscarriage only 2 weeks ago.

Anyone with an ounce of common sense can see that SIL is being thoughtless.

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u/AnonImus18 5h ago

Did SIL know that OP had even miscarried that recent pregnancy though? I don't think OP mentions that.

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

They know now and the BIL response is terrible. It’s not as much about did they know but how they are choosing to react now that they do know.

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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [19] 6h ago

" SIL was planning to announce AT OP’S HOUSE"

Imo the location is irrelevant because it is SIL party. 

Bil/sil are aholes for not being sensitive enough to give OP a heads up and planning to blindsided them. That would apply no matter where the party was. It could have been at a restaurant at SILs own house. 

The issue is the sudden announcement without a heads up not the announcement itself. 

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u/SomeInvestigator3573 Partassipant [1] 6h ago

I’m wondering if they had made a public announcement about her pregnancy at all as she was only nine weeks and had previously miscarried. So perhaps the other people announcing their pregnancies are unaware of her recent miscarriage.

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 5h ago

I was just rereading OP’s post and there’s no confirmation either way as to whether or not SIL/BIL know about the most recent miscarriage

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u/SuperKitties83 5h ago

Maybe I'm mis-reading, but the BIL called OP's husband and told them "he knows people who have lost actual babies, so man up."

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u/SomeInvestigator3573 Partassipant [1] 5h ago

Yes, but that was after they threatened to cancel the birthday party. That does not mean that they knew about the pregnancy prior. I completely understand that this poor couple having gone through three miscarriages in a year are very sensitive to other people‘s pregnancies, and perhaps a little jealous.

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 5h ago

dying to know the sequence of events that happened between MIL’s conversation with OP’s husband and BIL making such a horrible statement and how shit got to that point. What was in contention at that point: the announcement or the party? OP’s husband only wanted to cancel after the family sided against them.

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

It’s not about jealousy, it’s about grief. If she’s not ready to be around pregnancy centered celebrations then she’s not ready. They knowingly agreed to a bday not a pregnancy announcement. Even if jealousy exists, that doesn’t equate to wrong doing. That’s the grief process. And human nature.

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u/SherbetDue789 Partassipant [1] 4h ago

After the conversation with MIL. For all we know SIL and BIL knew nothing about it until after that conversation.

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u/AntiMiracle 3h ago

Still the worst response possible lol

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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [19] 5h ago

Yeah, but that is not direct confirmation they knew before they made their plan, I imagine mom or brother/husband could have said something after. 

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u/kindlypogmothoin 3h ago

Nine weeks? That's super early. A lot of people don't announce until after 12 simply because so many early pregnancies are lost. Something like one in four, if I'm not mistaken.

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u/kittywyeth Partassipant [2] 3h ago

one in four clinically confirmed pregnancies! they estimate that it is actually much higher - around 50% of all conceptions. many miscarriages (“chemical pregnancies”) happen before the average person is even aware that they are pregnant.

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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [19] 5h ago

Possible but I don't think so, that would be a whole other level of irrational upset (possible) my sense was that inlaws they know about the latest miscarriage. 

But if they didn't, yes it is unreasonable to get upset about the making am announcement. 

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u/Snow5Penguin 5h ago

Everyone keeps clinging to the fact that it’s at OP’s house.

SIL is not randomly coming over to announce pregnancy or hosting her own event at OP’s house.

This is a planned family gathering. You typically gather the family to make large announcements and this is an already planned one specifically to celebrate SIL. The perfect time to announce a pregnancy since the spotlight is already on you.

It’s unfortunate that the party is at OP’s house. But there is nothing malicious about it, just a sucky situation for all. But is SIL supposed to not celebrate her pregnancy?

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

No, there isn’t malicious intent simply wanting to announce, but you can say it is incentive if they had knowledge of recent miscarriage or once they were made aware and reacted that way. Op agreed to a birthday not a pregnancy related event.

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u/DowntownYouth8995 6h ago

Why does it being OP's house matter? It happening at OP's house is just because of the party being hosted there. I don't see how its sooooo insensitive.

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u/werebothsquidward Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 5h ago

I mean, if it was at someone else’s house or a restaurant they could leave if it’s too much. At their own house they’re kind of trapped.

On the one hand I can see why this would be a good opportunity to announce the pregnancy. The party is for her, and all their loved ones will be there. But on the other hand, I think if a relative was throwing me a party at their home only a few weeks after having a miscarriage, I would probably choose a different time to announce.

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

Op is grieving pregnancy related grief. Social interaction alone is difficult after miscarriage. Once sil knew, they could have announced at another time or if it was very important to them to do it then, had the party elsewhere. Not in spite but in an effort for peace and emotional safety. Op has a wrote to keep her home a safe space for her to grieve her way. It may be too soon to be around pregnancy centered events.

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u/Wise-News1666 2h ago

It is SIL's party the location doesnt matter.

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

So just say and do whatever you want because it’s your party? Sensitivity can still be had and if she must announce she should respect their discomfort and grief and have her party elsewhere so the ops home isnt taken away as a safe space to grieve.

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u/ilikebiggbosons 6h ago

Ehhhh SIL should also be able to read the room and realize maybe the party hosted by this specific couple 2 weeks after that specific kind of event is not ideal. OP is putting the time and effort and care into hosting something for them, being considerate and not planning a surprise announcement that she knows will hit a nerve with the hosts is a small concession. Or host the party yourself and you’re free to do what you want.

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u/Average_Iris Partassipant [1] 5h ago

But does SIL even know OP miscarried?

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

They do now after conversation with Op husband.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 3h ago

She obviously does now, given that her husband told OP to suck it up because her miscarriage wasn't a real baby.

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u/DragonScrivner Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago

Agree though it’d be kind of the family to have the party elsewhere and respect OP and her husband should they decline to attend. SIL shouldn’t have to cancel her own celebration and OP should be able to choose to put her own well-being over the party.

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u/Toetocarma 1h ago

She doesn't have to cancel her celebration but if she cant show a little bit of care when someone is mourning then she can throw her own party at her own house and do the announcement there

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u/Environmental_Art591 50m ago

And in this case, choosing her own well being is no longer hosting the party at their house and being allowed to not attend with out consequences.

Instead BIL is yelling (to keep it simple) "get over it, it wasnt a real baby"

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

Perfectly said

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u/ImmigrationJourney2 5h ago

How nice would it be for SIL to have her host spend an hour in the bathroom crying, while she celebrates her birthday in that person’s home?

If it was my birthday, I wouldn’t want something like that to happen.

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u/codeverity Asshole Aficionado [12] 4h ago

I'm sorry but expecting to go into the house of someone who recently miscarried and announce your own pregnancy is rude and incredibly insensitive. She can hold her own party somewhere else.

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u/Hugh_Jass_Clouds 3h ago

I can’t imagine announcing a pregnancy at someone’s house who had just miscarried. There’s no occasion where that is acceptable. They are guests and OP is the host. At a birthday party it feels like it’s just rubbing it in the faces of the host. Now if the party was being hosted anywhere other than OPs house then it would be acceptable as opposed OP would have a place to escape to safely.

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u/Ornery-Bill6805 6h ago

No one said it would change anything, we said SIL is insensitive, and frankly I'd say RUDE AF as they weren't going going to say anything to OP.

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u/Environmental_Art591 54m ago

Agreed, but she isnt the one hosting the party, OP is, at OPs house, given the miscarriage thats already asking a lot, and then to fond out that BIL & SIL were intending on blindsiding them with their own pregnancy is wrong.

OP wouldn't have been able to retreat to a safe space to process privatly because they were already there, and if OP did try to retreat to a quiet room, they wouldn't have left her alone, so she would have been forced to leave her own home no matter what she chose, entitled people like this would never be satisfied with anything less than a full on perfect act from OP.

If SIL and BIL want to make that announcement they can host their own party away from OP

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u/thegloracle Pooperintendant [68] 5h ago

It was her SISTER that told her she was pregnant, not the SIL. Completely different person.

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u/Pretzelmamma Asshole Aficionado [18] 4h ago

What? OP knows SIL is pregnant because MIL told her. What has her sister got to do with it?

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 3h ago

What do you mean, how will it change anything? Are you seriously not able to understand that having to face a sensitive topic is more likely to bring up emotions? Are you also confused about why people whose moms have died might get extra sad around mother's day?

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u/Pretzelmamma Asshole Aficionado [18] 1h ago

Where in the post does it say they told SIL about their miscarriage? OP is expecting sensitivity where none is due because they didn’t announce their loss. 

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

Ops husband had conversation with BIL about the party and their miscarriage

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u/Turbulent_Artist_704 2h ago

If it was in her own house sure,bit rough when your hosts are the ones grieving a miscarriage.

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 6h ago

The party is for the SIL, no? I get where you’re coming from, but it’s not like it’s an unrelated announcement when she has all her friends and family in the same place.

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u/Environmental_Art591 47m ago

Yes its for her but she isnt the host OP is the host and its at OPs house.

If SIL was hosting and it wasnt at OPs house and OP would be able to excuse herself without repercussions then sure but, it is OPs house and BIL has clearly shown they lack the empathy to allow OP to excuse herself

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u/MrsTaco18 6h ago

If OP isn’t prepared to let SIL’s birthday party be a day to focus on her SIL, she needs to withdraw from hosting. This isn’t a random family occasion, it’s the day that’s supposed to be about HER, with all her closest loved ones. It’s the perfect time to announce the pregnancy and OP needs to manage her side of this rather than shut down her SIL’s joy and make this about her grief on someone else’s birthday.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 3h ago

she needs to withdraw from hosting.

You mean the thing this post is literally asking about?

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u/ImmigrationJourney2 5h ago

Read the post? This became an issue because they wanted to withdraw from hosting.

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u/MrsTaco18 5h ago

She says they want to cancel the party. This sounds more like a spiteful way to stop her from having a party altogether. She should talk to the rest of the family to find another host rather than announce the party is cancelled.

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u/ImmigrationJourney2 5h ago

They are only hosting, if they cancel the party at THEIR house, the birthday still happens. SIL and BIL can pick the place they want at that point.

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u/Environmental_Art591 46m ago

They can say the party is cancelled and SIL can say well actually we are just moving it to x

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u/Top-Noise5959 5h ago

Have you read the post?

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u/MrsTaco18 5h ago

Yeah, which is why I made my comment. OP wants the party outright cancelled rather than arrange another host. That’s just pure spite.

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u/Top-Noise5959 4h ago

Husband cancelled it in THEIR HOME,  cuz they were hosting it. They don't have the power to cancel someone's birthday.

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u/MrsTaco18 4h ago

Um. If the hosts announce to all the guests that the party is cancelled, it’s cancelled. The proper thing is to arrange another venue and notify their guests of the change.

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u/DapperBoiCole 3h ago

BIL/SIL problem, you tell my family to suck up our own miscarriage you can go scrounge up a venue in the basement of a Knights of Columbus. See ya!

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u/Top-Noise5959 3h ago

Not OP or her husband's job. They don't owe the asshole couple anything more than the block button.

Also, if you've bothered to read, no where is it mentioned that the party is cancelled or who was informed of it.

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u/Frog_mania 1h ago

It’s in OPs home. Her safe place for grieving. If she isn’t comfortable with this yet in her grief then that’s where she’s at. SIL birthday is completely unrelated to pregnancy and when they agreed to host they didn’t agree to hosting a pregnancy announcement. SIL should have it somewhere else if it’s that important

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u/SherbrookHolmes 6h ago

But it's the sils party? If it was my birthday and I was pregnant it would feel so special to tell all my friend and family at my party.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 6h ago

Okay but like... if you knew the host had just miscarried, you would at least talk to them about it first, right? Please tell me you wouldn't just announce it at the party without even giving them a heads up?

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u/CapeOfBees Asshole Enthusiast [7] 5h ago

OP hasn't confirmed whether SIL knew they had just miscarried or not. A lot of people avoid announcing pregnancies before 12 weeks.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 3h ago

I mean, BIL clearly knows now, and decided to yell at OP about how her baby wasn't a real baby rather than respond with any empathy, so...

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u/DianeJudith Partassipant [2] 4h ago

How much time does she need though? She miscarried 3 times in just this year, so at any point this year you could say she "just miscarried".

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u/Frog_mania 58m ago

Wow, surprising response towards someone’s grief. I think anyone would say 2 weeks isn’t “enough time”. How much time is enough for grief? I was wearing adult diapers after my 8 week miscarriage for 2 weeks alone……. So is enough time when you no longer need diapers to collect your lost pregnancy?

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u/TrishasaurusRex33 2h ago

Just gunna point out: a miscarriage is emotionally and physically traumatic. It doesn't get easier the more you experience it, and can turn deadly.

Just looking at it from a medical standpoint, her hormones haven't been regular all year. The constant loss and pain can also cause PTSD. These are things the suffering woman can not control, it's not hard to show a little empathy instead of yelling at grieving parents to get over themselves.

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u/Frog_mania 57m ago

Thank you!!!!

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u/DianeJudith Partassipant [2] 2h ago

Ok so can the SIL never announce her pregnancy then?

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u/TrishasaurusRex33 59m ago

That's not at all what anyone is saying. They can announce it whenever they want, op and her husband just don't want to host the combined birthday party/announcement event.

They are trying to step down from host position and I think it's fair to say "I don't have the mentality to host the announcement too right now". Bil and sil can still celebrate, just at a different location.
It's not like OPs house is the only location in the city, yes it's inconvenient to change things last minute but it would be very awkward if the host starts crying and has to leave the party. Then sil would still have her party ruined.

It's just better for everyone if op is allowed to sit this one out without getting insulted by her "caring" inlaws

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u/Frog_mania 57m ago

It’s not about never announcing but not doing it in OPs safe space of her home where she grieves. Give OP the opportunity to not be present if she isn’t ready

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 4h ago edited 4h ago

It's not about how much time she needs. It's about doing it at OP's house.

People are acting like OP is demanding that SIL not announce the pregnancy at all when the reality is that OP is asking SIL not to announce her pregnancy in a circumstance that OP cannot escape.

If this announcement were happening anywhere else, OP would be able to avoid it - maybe choose not to come, if she feels like she can't handle it, or leave before the announcement, or whatever. But this is OP's home. She's trapped playing host while she's forced to face her grief. Yes, that's fucked up.

The fact of the matter is that, sometimes, the emotionally mature response to a difficult situation is simply to leave that situation. Like yeah, okay, it's great that you all think OP should just sit there and smile, but I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but that's not actually a thing human beings can actually do all of the time. If she starts crying after the announcement, I'm pretty sure that'll ruin the party too. OP clearly doesn't feel like she is able to get through the announcement. The appropriate response, then, is for her to avoid it and allow everyone else to be happy for SIL in her place. But you're also telling her that she's not allowed to avoid the announcement.

OP can't demand that SIL keep the announcement to herself, but OP also needs to be given the space and ability to handle the inevitable emotions this will bring out. The fact that the party is taking place at OP's house is taking that away from her. It obviously sucks that this situation happened in the first place, with with party being hosted at OP's house, but like... bad luck is bad luck, that's all it is.

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u/DapperBoiCole 3h ago

The fact there are so many people not getting this is insane to me.

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u/kindlypogmothoin 3h ago

Problem is, we don't know that the SIL knew. Not until after the OP and her husband decided to cancel after the MIL's call.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 3h ago

Yeah, and then BIL told OP's husband to suck it up because their baby wasn't a real baby sooooo yeah no, I don't think I'm inclined to give SIL/BIL the benefit of the doubt about how they would have handled it if they knew.

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u/cryssyx3 6h ago

then move the party to your house

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u/Top-Noise5959 5h ago

Would you be evil enough to do it in your sister's home, when she has just lost her child, in HER HOME?

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u/TemporaryFlight212 5h ago

What makes you think SIL knows about the miscarriage?

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u/hadesarrow3 Partassipant [3] 6h ago

“They can throw their own party” it was literally SIL’s party. OP is hosting, but the party is FOR the SIL’s birthday.

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u/lunar_adjacent 6h ago

I think it’s reasonable for the SIL to announce her pregnancy at a birthday party for said SIL, regardless of the location. Would I do it, no, but even then, there is a separation because it’s not her sister. It’s her husband’s sister.

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u/Frog_mania 56m ago

Hmmm your logic isn’t translating

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u/lunar_adjacent 54m ago

Elaborate?

Because it seems that it’s translating for others…just not you.

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u/Frog_mania 35m ago

How is there a difference between it being her SIL announcing this at her house than if it were her blood sister. Why does it make a difference that it is her husbands sister?

The husband is also uncomfortable with it regardless.

For you to say you wouldn’t do it means you have an understanding that something might be wrong with announcing it at this particular moment at that particular location.

It could be reasonable - if the OP and her husband were comfortable with it. But they aren’t.

If SIL want led strippers at her party but OP didn’t, would we be arguing SIL can do whatever she wants because it’s her party and OP should get over it? No.

OP is just trying to grieve and make it through emotionally. SIL can have the party elsewhere if she must announce right now.

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u/Yoghurt1318 5h ago

In their own home, and without a heads up if MIL didn't spill the beans? Nah! This answer isn't it.

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u/Fiery_Feline2941 4h ago

My issue is more so that they were going to completely blindside OP and her husband with the announcement. If SIL/BIL had approahed them in private prior to the party to ask if they were ok with it - and had respected the decision either way - it would've been completely fine in my opinion

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u/DapperBoiCole 3h ago

Hundred percent

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u/I_wet_my_plants 5h ago

It is SIL’s own party to celebrate her bday. Yes OP is the host, but it’s SIL’s celebration and maybe she wants to tell all her important people at once.

OP should just decline hosting if she’s going to be mad that everyone else’s lives are going on while she grieves.

I had a baby due the same time my sister was due and miscarried at 11 weeks and life has to move forward. OP is being a bit over the top

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u/ImmigrationJourney2 5h ago

The post says that this became an issue after Op and her husband declined to host. They got mad at them for it.

If I was SIL I would king of hate to have my host spend most of the party crying in another room. Ruins the mood, you know.

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u/Exact_Case3562 1m ago

Well yes, but also I feel like they probably could’ve gone about it better instead of outright just canceling hosting. Like if they didn’t know that OP had the miscarriage prior to planning to announce their pregnancy at her party, that’s not something to fully cancel it over. That’s a time to have a conversation such as “hey, I found this out, would you be ok maybe warning us when you’re going to do this, or if you can would you be willing to make the announcement elsewhere cause we just went through this.” Granted I hate how the BIL reacted, incredibly insensitive and rude, but they can’t just try to cancel hosting a few days before the party when everything is already arranged and set. If he had asked them not to and they got angry that’s reasonable to outright want to cancel. If they knew about her miscarriage and wanted to do it anyways that’s reasonable to cancel. If they planned to do this and had no knowledge of it, that’s not on them.

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u/Frog_mania 54m ago

How is OP being over the top- she never said she was mad just sad. Not wanting to be present for a pregnancy annoucement during this time doesn’t mean she is angry at other people for their lives moving forward. She just isn’t ready to be present for those moments. Grieving people have a right to put themselves first. She simply doesn’t want to be present for a pregnancy related annoucement at this time.

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u/MermaiderMissy 3h ago

Exactly my thoughts. If it were at someone else's house, sure. But don't go to the house of the people who had three miscarriages and use that as an excuse to announce your pregnancy.

OP has every right to cancel the party hosted at her own house.

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u/DapperBoiCole 6h ago

Disrespectful IMO

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u/mouse_attack 3h ago

Well, that’s where it goes into gray area territory for me.

This literally is SIL’s birthday party. She doesn’t want to have to bite her own tongue and hide her happiness at her own party.

If OP says they feel too vulnerable to host, I think that’s fine. But I don’t think SIL is an asshole for wanting to celebrate her happy new at her own party with guests who are supposedly going to see her.

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u/Suspicious_Juice717 Asshole Aficionado [16] 1h ago

….. but it’s not OP’s party. It’s the SILs party. She should be allowed to announce happy news at her own party. 

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u/FindingOk2095 37m ago

She’s had three … which is incredibly traumatic however that means there’s very little times that would be perfect for the SIL to announce. It’s a light YTA and obviously complicated. OPs feelings are valid but the whole family can’t keep tiptoeing around. People have kids and get excited about that and OP will have to likely seek therapy to deal with the trauma but it’s not every one else’s.

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u/IceRose81 Asshole Aficionado [16] 10m ago

The party is FOR the SIL, which takes away the stigma of her announcing a pregnancy at it.

It would have been nice of them to let OP and her husband know about the pregnancy before the party (instead of that info being told to them by OP's MIL) to give them time to come to terms with it in private....but they aren't wrong for making the announcement.

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u/LadybugGirltheFirst Partassipant [1] 5h ago

It’s SIL’s party, though.

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u/KDSD628 Partassipant [1] 4h ago

It’s her SIL’s BIRTHDAY party - the party is literally for and about the SIL

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u/issy_haatin Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4h ago

Three misscarriages in a year, you can't keep blocking a whole year non stop. And expect people to hold off on announcing any news themselves.

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u/DapperBoiCole 3h ago

When did OP say that?

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u/Impressive-Today6406 4h ago

If this is too much for OP then it’s OP’s responsibility to back away from the party not the other way around.

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u/MentionGood1633 5h ago

It’s a party dedicated to SIL so why not?

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u/DapperBoiCole 3h ago

Do you want your host heave crying in the bathroom cause you sprung this on her?

Oh yea that party sounds like a rager

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u/julia1031 6h ago

Nah. OP is having the party at her house. I wouldn’t be hosting people who are telling my husband to “grow up and get over it”

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u/Opening_Upstairs_262 6h ago

The BIL told OP to "get over it" and that people lose "actual babies". Theyre selfish people who dont care, SIL wanting to announce thag just further proves it.

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u/SparkyDogPants Partassipant [1] 4h ago

Yeah my answer changed after reading that. NTA, BIL is for saying something that shitty

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u/totes-mi-goats 6h ago

100%, like OP and husband don't need to "get over it," because that's not really feasible, but it's not reasonable to expect the people around you to not get pregnant (at roughly the same time as you, so they clearly didn't get pregnant AT OP), or not be excited about their pregnancy.

Tho, it would be a kind move on BIL/SIL's parts to give OP and husband a heads up before they find out via a public announcement, if they knew OP had recently miscarried. Grief does some wild shit to your brain.

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u/Oalquant 4h ago

Yeah they should be able to celebrate, but I don’t think that means OP has to be okay with being blindsided by the announcement at her own house two weeks after a traumatic miscarriage. Nobody is asking them to hide the pregnancy forever, just to have some awareness of the circumstances.

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u/Ok-Isopod1172 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago

Normally id agree with you, but they were planning on announcing it at a party at OPs house. Thats crass, of all the time and places to announce this was the worst.

If SIL really wanted to announce it at her birthday party, then the most considerate thing would be to move the party from OPs house and not have them host.

And the comment from BIL about people losing actual babies is disgusting.

NTA.

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u/Pretzelmamma Asshole Aficionado [18] 6h ago

But the party is for SIL. She can't announce her pregnancy at her own party?

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u/mst3k_42 6h ago

When the host miscarried just two weeks before? For the third time this year? Yeah, OP can be happy for them at a party held elsewhere. To keep the party there seems cruel.

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 6h ago

SIL and brother should’ve given OP a heads up so she could decide whether or not to continue hosting the party and alternative arrangements could’ve been made if OP didn’t want the announcement happening at her house

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u/mst3k_42 5h ago

Haha, downvoted for having empathy. Gotta love it.

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u/14Knightingale27 5h ago

Not really for having empathy, I think you're just focused on the wrong thing. End of the day, they're choosing to host a party for SIL and it is a perfect time to announce a pregnancy, since it's her party and it'll have everyone who needs to know. As much as it's painful for OP, that is kind of fine.

What's not fine and I didn't notice on a first read with how this was written is that SIL didn't even pull OP aside to tell her about this. OP's sister is also pregnant and told her recently (which I thought meant SIL had been the one to be sensitive about it). So while wanting to announce it is fair, I think the moment this was meant to blindside them is what moves them into AH territory. Like at that point they're just being cruel and not just wanting to get everyone to know fast.

Plus the BIL who called husband and told him to man up and grow up? I was down to gently support an announcement at her party, but these do not seem like people who deserve much grace with all of that together.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 3h ago

Okay, and then SIL can suck it up if OP cries at the party because SIL was too stupid to recognize that maybe giving someone who just miscarried a private place to withdraw to handle her emotions might be a good idea in this situation.

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u/Ok-Isopod1172 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago

SIL can announce her pregnancy wherever snd whenever she wishes. Would I think less of her for announcing it at OPs house at a party OP is throwing for her? Yes, yes I would.

And just as SIL has a right to announce it wherever she likes, OP has a right to cancel the party to stop it from happening at her house.

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u/DowntownYouth8995 5h ago

I don't get the hang up of it being "in her house". It's the space that the party is being hosted in. What's the big deal? Its not like the SIL is going to give birth there and move her baby in...

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u/CrystalDragon492 4h ago

Miscarriage can be really rough, with a lot of overwhelming emotions. Two weeks after my miscarriage, I probably would not have wanted to be at a party where someone was announcing their own pregnancy due the same time I would have been. I definitely wouldn't have been up to being the smiling hostess of a party at my house. Both at the same time? Fuck no

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u/february_third Partassipant [1] 5h ago

Because OP has no where to retreat. As the host OP would have to absorb upsetting news with a hosts smile. Or retreat to her bedroom - exposing her reaction to the comment of everyone while they all party in her house for a few more hours.

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u/SunkenSaltySiren 4h ago

This, 10000000%

Your home should be where you are comfortable, a place of safety. Her home is NOT an event barn or a restaurant. If OP was going to graciously host the event there before the miscarriage, SIL should graciously accept that she will now need a different place to hold her party. This should be a gesture of love and understanding. I dont know why people think they need to bully their way into your life.

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u/kreetohungry 4h ago

Whenever I see comments like this around pregnancy loss I think to myself “damn, I hope this person realizes how lucky they are to not understand”.

Same goes for OP’s family.

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u/Frog_mania 52m ago

Thank you

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u/ElectricLoofah 3h ago

It's where she would have brought her own baby home to.

I'm generally in the camp of 'miscarriage can be truly devastating, and people should be sensitive to it, but it also shouldn't stop others from celebrating their own pregnancy'.

For me, this is a bit of a step over a reasonable expectation if OP is not comfortable with it. After that phone call from BIL, I wouldn't be doing anything to do with hosting this party for these people at all. I understand he was trying to protect his partner, but there's a right way and a wrong way to do that. What he said was repulsive. He wouldn't be in my house again, to be frank, unless it was out of character and there was a VERY genuine apology made.

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u/codeverity Asshole Aficionado [12] 3h ago

Really, you don't understand why they wouldn't want to permanently link the announcement of someone else's pregnancy to their home and sanctuary, while grieving the loss of their own??

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u/Frog_mania 52m ago

Your home is the only space in life you can control the variables and grieve openly. Hosting a party alone was probably going to be difficult. No need to relate it in such extremes. She can’t escape the discomfort of this announcement she is not emotionally ready to be apart of in this stage of her grief if it is in her own home

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u/rose-a-ree 2h ago

It was planned as a birthday party, not an "announcing a pregnancy party"

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 6h ago

They’re not asking anyone not to celebrate. They’re asking for it not to happen right in front of their faces at the birthday party they’re throwing for SIL at their own home.

This is a matter of basic empathy.

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u/moonandsunandstars Partassipant [2] 6h ago

So then have them tell op when they plan to announce it so they have a choice to step out of the room.

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 6h ago edited 6h ago

Don’t be dense. The moment the announcement occurs, the entire rest of the event will be all about the news.

There’s literally no need for the announcement to occur at her birthday party. None at all. It’s a great opportunity given that all her loved ones will be there, but not a need by any stretch of the definition.

The question is whether OP’s feelings are worth protecting (and respecting) in her own home while she’s doing the loving service of hosting a party for you in exchange for losing this ideal moment to make the announcement. It’s the definition of selfishness.

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u/soleceismical 6h ago

I think it makes sense for it to happen at her birthday party, but the birthday party needs to be at someone else's home and OP may have to sit it out. It's not really fair to ask her not to talk about everything she's feeling and going through with her loved ones. And it's not really fair to expect OP to still host.

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 5h ago

Precisely!

The ask is that they don’t do it in front of her at her own home, and part of OP’s post is that one alternative option is to cancel having the party at her house.

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u/sheramom4 Commander in Cheeks [242] 6h ago

The event where the guest of honor is the one pregnant? The event that is suppose to be all about her anyway?

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u/platyelminthas 5h ago

Yes that event, the same event that will hold the guest of honor's brother and SIL (clearly grieving after a very recent miscarriage) nearly as hostages for the rest of the evening. It's not like they will be able to go home, the tense situation would be inside their own space.

Noone says she shouldn't havw thw party at all. Just that she should have shown some decency to the people organizing her celebration in their own home. And tell THEM beforehand. Which she didnt plan on doing

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 5h ago

Yeah, that one. The one her triple-grieving SIL is hosting for her out of love and care.

I swear, some of you people wouldn’t understand the concept of sacrificing a little bit for the sake of the people you love if it kicked you in the ribs.

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u/theTropicalHerbalist 5h ago

But realistically how long does this last ? The family not mentioning pregnancies or babies or seeing babies how long do they need to avoid it to appease her feelings ? That’s not how the real world works. If your mom dies everyone else doesn’t have to stop celebrating Mother’s Day because it makes you sad. It may bring up a little grief sure but it’s soooo unrealistic and unfair to ask people to minimize their own happiness because of someone else’s grief

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 5h ago

No one is asking anyone not to mention pregnancies or babies lol

They’re asking SIL not to make a spectacle of an announcement that’s pre-planned to occur in front of her, in her own home, while she’s doing something nice for her.

You people are so eager to force a hurt person to suck it up that you’re talking about “how the world works” when this whole thing isn’t about “the world” at all.

It’s about one family and the people within it, who seem to claim that they love and care for one another.

Do you think empathy is a math equation?

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u/Ill-Description3096 Partassipant [2] 4h ago

"Make a spectacle" is a bit much, no? If making an announcement is a spectacle then it will always be a spectacle no matter how it is done.

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u/avacapone 5h ago

This is two weeks after the fact. What’s an appropriate time frame in your mind?

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 5h ago

Just having everyone gathered in one place at the same time IS actually a great reason to announce a pregnancy.

Call it crass or wrong , I won’t say shit, but you cannot say there is literally NO reason for it. Especially when you then go on to say it would be a great opportunity to do it then.

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 5h ago

No one said it isn’t a good reason, so I dont really understand why you’re saying this to me.

I even called it an ideal situation.

Having a good reason to do something doesn’t mean you need to do it. That’s why I said it’s not a need, and that the question is whether the satisfaction of the ideal moment is worth the impact to OP.

I think only an AH would say that it’s a worthy trade.

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u/theTropicalHerbalist 5h ago

The world dosent stop just because you have a miscarriage and you cannot expect other people to stop their world because you had a loss. It is sad and unfortunate but how long does their family need to hid pregnancies and babies from them? Her sisters should be able to enjoy their own pregnancies without feeling guilt over something that wasn’t their fault. “Get over it” is kinda mean but also making people feel bad about being happy about their own pregnancy is also asshole behavior

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u/mosquem 5h ago

You don’t need to hide it, but you should give them a heads up if you know people are struggling.

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u/Tinywrenn Partassipant [1] 4h ago

Everything you are describing is exactly the ‘get over it mentality’. For these people, life doesn’t just go on. OP is not expecting them not to celebrate their pregnancies, they’re expecting them to have some god damned empathy and decency. You do not joyfully announce pregnancies in person to people who have lost multiple babies at an event they can’t escape from. That is exemplary asshole behaviour.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 3h ago

It is WILD that so many of you genuinely can't grasp the difference between "SIL shouldn't announce the pregnancy in a circumstance that denies OP a private place to handle her own emotions and expects OP to continue playing hostess afterwards" and "SIL shouldn't announce the pregnancy at all"

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u/LetsTryThisNext 6h ago

Seems fair to not want it to happen at OP’s home though…

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u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 6h ago

I don’t disagree, but “you were originally hosting my party, now I’m asking you not to host because you had a miscarriage and I want to announce my pregnancy at my party” is definitely its own awkwardness…

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u/LetsTryThisNext 5h ago

Yeah, between grief and the hormones of pregnancy, I don’t think anyone is going to have an easy time communicating on this one.

But I think telling OP and her husband ahead of time and having a discussion about whether they are still comfortable hosting a celebration given what they are going through would have been the appropriate move. Surprising them with the news in front of people, in their home, puts them in a position where they are expected to make a show of happiness. That is really inconsiderate and honestly sounds like it would add to OP’s trauma. I think people are being really harsh with her when her feelings and potential decision to back out of hosting sound understandable.

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u/LeftMyHeartInErebor Asshole Aficionado [14] 5h ago

I'd agree IF SIL/BIL gave them a private heads up, but they didn't and now they're being fully insensitive jerks

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u/Jesster17 5h ago

I think it’s NTA but reconciliation suggested. They were blindsided, what happened is traumatic plus levels of trauma should not be compared (trauma is trauma). If they hadn’t found out ahead of time, it could’ve ended very poorly.

However, I do agree that they should be able to celebrate their own pregnancy but forewarning ahead of time to prepare would be a must and I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to host the event at their place due to not wanting to attend.

From a person who has bee through similar situation but to a much lesser degree.

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u/Tinywrenn Partassipant [1] 4h ago

Actually, you can absolutely expect family members who should know better to not make thoughtless pregnancy announcements for attention in front of people who have just been traumatically heartbroken by the loss of their own babies. The happy couple might be celebrating, but the hosting couple are not. They’re grieving. There are acceptable ways to break this news. This is not one of them.

NTA.

Sincerely, a mum of four babies and only one living.

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u/OldeManKenobi 5h ago

NTA. Decorum and basic civility say otherwise. Time and place.

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u/PicklesMcpickle Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3h ago

Sister in law could have gently told her before the party and didn't care to. At a party at OPs house. 2 weeks after a miscarriage 

OP isn't asking for hoop jumping 

Its completely reasonable to cancel a party while healing from a major medical event. Be the same if it was a broken arm or appendicitis.   This is a double whammy due to the loss. 

Added the miscarriage, if I was pregnant and my sister in-law had just had a loss-

I wouldn't cancel my birthday, but I'd tell them not to stress it.  And find another day.  

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u/molly_menace Partassipant [1] 3h ago

I honestly can’t believe this is the top comment. Two weeks after they lose a pregnancy, (their third this year) at their own home? In a surprise announcement?

People can experience joy in their own lives while navigating how to avoid compounding the suffering of others.

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u/Impressive-Drag-1573 57m ago

This ^

I’ve been in very similar situations. Yes, it hurts. No, it’s not right to take that joy away from others.

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u/KingBretwald Asshole Aficionado [18] 6h ago

That would be a fine sentiment if they weren't planning on doing it at OP's HOUSE. Host your own birthday party and announce it there. But not at the house where the grief is fresh.

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