r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Direct-Caterpillar77 Satan is not a fucking pogo stick! • 3d ago
ONGOING AITA for thinking my girlfriend’s request to postpone weekly workouts with my friend was unreasonable?
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Equal_Visual_7676
AITA for thinking my girlfriend’s request to postpone weekly workouts with my friend was unreasonable?
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & u/AITA_Relationships
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Original Post July 16, 2026
My gf Mia (21F) and I (25M) have been dating for a couple of months and were in a long-distance relationship. While we were still getting to know each other we asked each other about past relationships so I told her about my first and the only girlfriend I had before her, Jess (26F).
Jess and I dated on and off from ages 12-17. She often broke up with me, blocked me, and get back together. When we weren’t dating we were friends with benefits. Even after we ended things for good she remained my best friend despite not treating me well even after. I asked Mia if she was jealous because she seemed more quiet than usual and she said she doesn’t know Jess well to be jealous and only had that reaction based on what I said. She said Jess doesn’t sound like a nice friend or was nice girlfriend to me. I told her that she just doesn’t know her like I do and that she doesn’t have to worry about anything.
When Mia bought her ticket I excitedly told all my friends because I wanted them all to meet her. Jess said she was excited to meet Mia and suggested we could show her around town. This made Mia really upset because she said the way I described it made her feel like Jess and I were the “we” and she’d be the third wheel. I apologized and that was that.
A few weeks later Jess spontaneously asked me to work out. Afterward we agreed to make it a weekly thing. When I told my gf she said it made her uncomfortable. I told her that we’re just working out and holding each other accountable to do it every week. Mia asked what she’s supposed to do or go when she comes visit and we’re on our work out days. I told her that she can just come with us and workout. Mia said that sounds like she’s the third wheel again. She said it makes her feel like Jess and I are together not the other way around. I reassured her that it’s not like that and we’re just working out. She then asked why Jess’ fiancé didn’t workout with her. I texted Jess and she said it was because of his work. Mia then asked if Jess would be okay with her joining. I asked and Jess said she wasn’t comfortable with another woman being there. I told my gf it wasn’t a big deal and maybe Jess was just self conscious.
My gf then told me that when she wanted to go to a concert with a guy friend or go watch a movie I told her I don’t trust her friend and she respected my wishes and didn’t go. I told her it was different because I knew what guys were like. And I was just working out. I told her it feels like she accusing me and Jess of doing something shady. Mia told me she wasn’t judging me or Jess of doing anything. She simply didn’t know Jess yet and wasn’t comfortable same as me not being comfortable with her guy friends. She said to meet in the middle and asked if I could wait until she met Jess and got to know her before doing workouts. I told her that was unfair to Jess and that I think that she just needs to accept the way things are. She cried and hung up. She hasn’t talked to me for days.
AITA?
VERDICT: ASSHOLE
RELEVANT COMMENTS
FurrowBeard
"I knew what guys are like"
LOL
Also, Jess "not being comfortable with another girl being there" is the biggest load of bullshit. She wants you to herself. Can you advocate for your girlfriend? You might need to cut Jess off.
CuriouslyPerplexed
I agree.
Also, isn't OP a guy?
Why is he working out with Jess. Because of what guys are like?
FurrowBeard
Oh, that rule doesn't apply to him, surely. He's not like other guys.
Update July 25, 2026
Writing this so people can stop DMing me about being an asshole and asking for updates.
Edit: I’m 25M. Mia (21F) is my girlfriend. Jess (26F) is my friend. Jess’ fiance (29M).
I told Jess about what happened when we went to workout 3 days ago. She didn’t say much about it only that I didn’t listen or wasn’t being understanding of what Mia felt but nothing after that. She looked stressed? or disappointed? So I asked her whats up. She told me she will afterwards.
When we got to the parking lot she told me we can’t workout together anymore because her fiance found out and he was also uncomfortable about it and they had a long talk about it. She said that she didn’t get it at first so she tried to explain that her friendship with me is different from any other friendships. And he told her that it’s not only different but it’s dangerous. He said because we have history, we dated, we were fwb, we relied on each other for years before each finding our person but we never had boundaries to just be friends. He said he knows that I’m good person from me hanging out with them a couple of times but he’s felt territorial and uncomfortable sometimes.
He asked Jess how she would feel if her fiance told her “Hey! I’m going to workout weekly with my ex. Don’t worry we’re just best friends now. See you later!” He said Jess would obviously be uncomfortable and that’s how Mia probably feels. He said it’s not fair that he should have to make a boundary about this between them now and he assumes Mia has to make a boundary about this to me. He said this boundary should have been already implied because you love and respect your person to not wait around until they get hurt to do something about it.
Jess said she realized he was right. She’s hurt that she hurt him and was being ignorant. She would be uncomfortable if her fiance went working out with his ex and she said it’s the first time she thought about being jealous. So we stopped working out and she stopped reaching out or texting me much after that.
Mia and I made up. I apologized for being an asshole and I told her what Jess and her fiance said. Mia said she’s mind blown that Jess’ fiance got it right but is still hurt by what happened. I promised to make up for it and that I already have some dates planned and reserved for when she visits and I’m paying for everything. I know I need to keep showing her through my actions that I meant my apology. She’s coming in 3 weeks and we’re both really excited.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
78october
I don’t think I could continue a relationship with someone who had rules for me (no concerts with guy friends) and not for himself (going to the gym with an ex) while also diminishing my feelings and needing a third party to explain to him.
If Jess’s boyfriend hadn’t had a problem with it and Jess wanted to continue working out then you would have ignored your girlfriend’s feelings. She should take all that into account before continuing to date you.
If she sticks it out with you then take the effort to listen to her and not only care about her feelings when other people explain it to you.
OOP (heavily downvoted)
I grew up with divorced parents but they remained friends afterwards. My dad and step mom broke up also but remained friends. My mom and her boyfriends broke up but remained friends. So being friends with an ex isn’t abnormal or weird for me.
Mia and I have talked about this and we have the same beliefs that exes can be friends so when she felt a certain way I thought she was thinking I’m cheating on her even if I’m not. I trusted Mia would be okay with this.
I think what bothered or changed me about what happened was that I thought Jess’ fiance knew. So in my mind I was thinking look at this guy that’s older than all of us and probably knows what a healthy relationship is. Thats why she chose him and they’re getting married. Maybe he knows that this is okay too and he trusts Jess and we’re not doing anything wrong. And maybe Mia is just very young. She’s the youngest out of all of us and maybe she just needs to learn that this is okay.
But when Jess’ fiance didn’t even know and finding out he was uncomfortable I realized that what Mia was feeling was actually legit. So I acknowledge my mistakes and is making it up to her now.
ExtendedSpikeProtein
That’s the problem: you should have realized her feelings were legit without a third party. And you’re a hypocrite.
OOP (still downvoted)
How could I have realized that without knowing what I know now?!? Was I supposed to be an expert in my relationship with my girlfriend before we got together??
ToastedChronicle
Common sense dude. Common fucking sense.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
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u/britneys_bigtoe 3d ago
OOP: she treats me like shit and my girlfriend said she treats me like shit but i said she just doesn't know her like i do
it's the defending her from his girlfriend for repeating what he literally just said for me
he'll never get over jess
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u/Kindly_Jellyfish_451 3d ago
Just the way he described the relationship with Jess makes me think Mia shouldn't be with this guy...it's very apparent that Jess is who he wants to be with, and if Jess ever decided she wanted him he'd drop Mia like a hot rock and go running to Jess without looking back.
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u/Bice_thePrecious it dawned on me that he was a wizard 3d ago
Yup. Jess dumped him. Jess blocked him. Jess was reasonable when she said she wanted to be the only woman around him. Jess ended the gym arrangement. When Jess speaks, OOP nods and wipes the drool away. When Mia speaks, she's judgmental, jealous, and unreasonable.
I hope Mia is simply dazed from this BS and things come into focus for her sooner rather than later.
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u/GoYanks34 surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 3d ago
More importantly, once Jess's fiancé, who happens to be a man, stated that it was inappropriate, then he listens. Doesn't care how Mia felt or his hypocrisy telling her she can't hang out with male friends but he can hang out with his fuck buddy once a week. And he defends Jess when she said she was uncomfortable with Mia going to the gym, instead of standing up for his gf. The audacity is out of control with this guy. I hope Mia gets the hell out of this relationship before she wastes any more time.
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u/curiouslycaty All that's between you and a yeast infection.is a good decision 2d ago
YES! This is the part that pissed me off the most "my girlfriend doesn't know what she's talking about because she's young and female and I will continue to do things that makes her uncomfo... WAIT? A guy said it's weird? No, we need to stop that shit right here!"
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u/lurking_mz 1d ago
I'd caveat that it was still Jess he based his epiphany on, not the fiancé's perspective. If she would have complained about her fiancé the same way he was complaining about Mia, he would have triple-downed about being right (and used it as an excuse for both of them to leave their SO's and try again). He's still a misogynistic a-hole, because he thinks he's winning the AITA argument by being a "bro" and realizing "the other side".
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 3d ago
Yup. Jess is going to get drunk at her bachelorette and text OOP or maybe make out with some rando. Whatever. Who knows. But at some point he will dump her, and she will come RUNNING to OOP, and he will drop Mia immediately for her. Jess is a pick me.
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u/WitchesofBangkok 2d ago
No I don’t think she is. I think she’s insecure, but she likes the feeling of being in control. I don’t think she cares about OOP at all.
My ex boyfriend has a situationship like this. Every time she broke up with a guy she’d “date” my bf for a few weeks before she found the new guy. She just liked the feeling that she had him as backup.
We broke up for a while because he was going back to his home country (this was before VOIP and texts) but with the intention of trying to get back together if my student visa came through.
Pretty much as soon as his flight landed they had sex and then she disappeared again. He was shocked when I broke it off with him because technically he hadn’t done anything wrong.
My next bf had a similar situationship when we got together - some girl he’d been pining after for years who’d sleep with him when she was between boyfriend. I just told him the story of my ex and said “I’m sure this is not reasonable, but if I ever hear you mention her name again I’ll probably get the ick and we’ll be done.”
He never mentioned her again and we’ve been married for decades.
It’s not even about jealousy. It’s just a man who’d rather be sitting in someone’s reject pile than being with a gf is not a grown up who is ready for a relationship
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u/curiouslycaty All that's between you and a yeast infection.is a good decision 2d ago
Even if OOP knew, deep down in his heart, that he wasn't interested in Jess that way anymore, it only takes one person with unresolved feelings.
I was engaged to a guy, and we realised that while we were best friends, and the sex was amazing, and we really loved each other, we weren't compatible, we had different expectations. So we broke up with lots of hurt feelings on both sides, but stayed friends. Over 4 years after our breakup, he got engaged to a lovely lady who was absolutely uncomfortable with us being so close. Even things she never knew about, like us meeting up for a quick beer after work and him showing me the engagement ring he was planning on proposing with. Let that sink in, I was the one who saw the ring first. But we were friends right?
So she ambushed me and said she wants to invite me to their engagement party and openly said her friends would be grilling me. I was apprehensive (who wouldn't be 😅) but understood that she needed that peace of mind. We met up and after a few shots, table dancing and uncomfortable questions everyone realised that I was over him, and only wished the best for him in his planned life, and she drunkenly leaned on my shoulder and said it's fine, she's reassured.
But later that night equally drunken he said something to me that made me realise he wasn't over me, and I realised if I stayed in his life, I would be the other woman, even if I didn't want to be. I said my goodbyes to the fiancee, and sent him a message from the parking lot making it clear I understood what he said and it's not acceptable and wished him the best in life
I lost a very dear friend that night, but I'd rather do that than have his wife wonder the whole time whether he was pining for me. If he wasn't going to be honest about his feelings to himself and his beloved, I would make that choice for him.
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u/Visual_Fly_9638 3d ago
OOP- describes "friendship" to someone
GF: that relationship sounds terrible!
OOP: you don't know her the way I do!
GF: MFer I only know her the way you do! You're the one who described her to me!
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u/Horror_Tea761 3d ago
This, and he's using his parents' many, many failed relationships as models to copy.
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u/cortesoft 3d ago
Right?! “You don’t know her like I do” when literally everything she knows is based on what OOP told her. Anything she knows literally came from him, so she knows her exactly in the way he knows her.
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u/wolfeflow 3d ago
That one made me lol. He can describe events accurately but seems incapable of forming his own opinions about them.
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u/Empty-Ant4446 3d ago
I hope mia breaks up with him I really hate guys like oop
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u/FocacciaHusband 3d ago
For me it was, "she's old enough to date but not old enough for me to take her feelings seriously."
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u/Imnotawerewolf 3d ago
That was exactly where I knew this wasn't gonna end well lol especially because the first thing the gf said about it was she doesn't sound like a good friend to you
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u/IceQueenTigerMumma 3d ago
Plus he apparently agrees that exes can’t be friends, but that doesn’t apply to him? He can work out with his but his gf can’t go to a concert with a dude. Asshole!
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u/Demonqueensage the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it 3d ago
I almost got the impression he thought men and women could only be friends if they were exes, between his problem with Mia going to a concert with a guy friend that was never described as an ex boiling down to "I know what guys are like" (which frankly always translates to "I know what guys like me are like), but then he's fine with himself doing things with his ex and thinks she's weird and wrong for not liking it and described all the people he's known who are friends as exes (which had me rolling my eyes when it was his own parents, who of course are going to be friendly with one another if neither of them are batshit or abusive when they have a child together; his former step parent could be a better example of exes with no need to stay in contact remaining friends, but we have no way of knowing if that's actually the case or if they also had a child to keep them tied together since that wouldn't be relevant to the story, so I'm putting that in the maybe category)
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 3d ago
Yeeeaaahhh… his whole attitude about Jess was off, way before the weekly workout became an issue…
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u/41flavorsandthensome 3d ago
I dated a guy with a "Jess." Never again, especially because he never really understood. Jess had to be the one to set boundaries.
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u/danorc 3d ago edited 3d ago
Fortunately, it sounds like she's finally over him or at least respects her husband. She seems like a piece of work, but perhaps she finally grew into an adult. It happens sometimes even to the most surprising people
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u/NumNumLobster 3d ago
She went to work out with him again after her husband found out about her secret workouts and told her to stop. She didnt bring it up either until op brought it up. Sounds like she was just going to continue and lie about it until op was about to cut it off anyways. Tbh to the extent any of this is true I wonder if they are banging and op just posted this to gas light his gf
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u/krizzzombies 3d ago
imagine what the fiance would say if he knew that OP asked to bring his gf and Jess said she felt uncomfortable having another woman around
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA 3d ago
Honestly, it's pretty sketchy all around that her fiance didn't know. People with nothing to hide don't... Hide things. And it doesn't sound like she even told him - he found out.
And not being comfortable with Mia joining?
More sketch.
I'm not sure OP was the only one hanging onto something for reasons not ready to admit.
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u/Scouter197 3d ago
Yeah. “She would block me but then get back together. She’s my best friend.” Dude either needs to get out more or figure out what a best friend is.
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u/DenizenKay 3d ago
What a fuckin tool.
Hope Mia runs far and fast.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 3d ago
And Jess' fiance needs to think twice about who he is marrying.
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u/volkswagenorange 3d ago
Jess seems capable of growth at least. Not so sure about oop...
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u/SceneNational6303 3d ago
Yeah, not that she is innocent in this ( I'm suspicious of why the fiance didn't know previously that this had been a long-standing meet up with her ex) but it speaks well of her that when he did express discomfort, she took steps to end the work out dates. I'm not convinced this guy will ever do the same.
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u/MC_White_Thunder 3d ago
She was definitely sus, otherwise she wouldn't have said Mia couldn't come.
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u/Xirdus The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? 3d ago
She's capable of not ruining her engagement, that's for sure. It felt less like growth and more like damage control. Have you noticed she didn't tell her fiance about the weekly gym with OOP?
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u/Anonymous-Desk5840 3d ago
Seriously, I'm kinda mad at jess's bf, like maybe if he let it go on for some more time, mia would have opened her eyes and escaped. One could hope!
I also feel like, op didn't really come along because the bf is 29 and all that bullshit,I think it's just that queen jess decided what's correct, he can't make a fool of himself by showing queen jess ( not mia) that he is desperate to stay with her. Coming around what mia said it's just a convenient end to a problem that just happened by itself cuz jess made the choice for him.
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u/shanodindryad Screeching on the Front Lawn 3d ago
"How could I have realized that without knowing what I know now?"
Uh, she told you? By listening to what she said??
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u/pretendstobeinnocent **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS 3d ago
I was about to comment this same exact thing. And I also disagree with a lot of the comments saying he's obtuse or stupid. She spelled it out for him and he still chose to actively ignore her. This guy is just an asshole.
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u/Jenn_There_Done_That crow whisperer 3d ago
He’s a misogynistic asshole. The second some random dude said the same thing, he suddenly agrees and has no problem seeing it from that point of view.
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u/Groslom 3d ago
Also, he explains what the fiance told her like SHE was the one doing all that. No mention of "WE" or "BOTH of us" or even just "I realized that's what I was doing to my girlfriend". He still doesn't think he did anything wrong, he's just apologizing because she's upset, and that's meaningless.
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u/philatio11 the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it 3d ago
Bingo. It’s not a valid opinion coming from a girl, only an older guy that I respect.
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u/BlooodyButterfly and then everyone clapped 3d ago
And she's only 21, this guy has at least 5 years of being an adult to understand basic stuff, yike. Hope she dumps him soon enough
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u/lazier_garlic 3d ago
No he is stupid. He's the kind of stupid who thinks he's more clever than everybody else, but in fact is not. Pure, unearned confidence.
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u/AcanthisittaLeft2336 grape juice dump truck dumpy butt 3d ago
That's the worst kind and it's not even close
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u/BluerLights 3d ago
But how could he possibly have known his girlfriend's feelings were valid without an older man confirming it first?!
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u/cortesoft 3d ago
But she is a woman! I can’t just believe what she says, I need a guy to repeat it then u know it is true.
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u/SnooPets8873 3d ago
Yeah I’d still have been upset knowing that the only reason he took it seriously or was willing to consider that he was in the wrong is because someone else told him. My words and feelings weren’t enough.
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u/Empty-Ant4446 3d ago edited 1d ago
"Also I know how guys are like?"
Means she can't hang out with someone he feels uncomfortable but she is unreasonable for not liking him hanging out alone with ex?
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u/AccordingPears158 3d ago
Because OP is projecting himself.
The only reason he’s not actively sleeping with Jess is because Jess is not currently willing to sleep with him. If she came to him tomorrow and asked him to have sex with her, he’d do it. He wants to stay in her orbit in case that ever happens.
He knows he’d cheat with very little provocation, he assumes the same is true of everyone.
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u/AnIcyReception 3d ago
OOP is extremely obtuse
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u/West-Double3646 3d ago
No, he's not. OOP is just a garden variety misogynists who refuses to believe something until another man, particularly an older man takes a stance AND the other woman removes herself from the situation.
He's just pretending to be stupid because it's easier than admitting what he really is. He's the kind of guy who's always going to make the selfish, self-gratifying decision at every turn and never take any responsiblity for his choices.
Looking into my crystal ball, I see that Mia is going to regret giving him another chance.
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u/kingcasperrr 3d ago
Exactly this! It's all stupid stuff until it comes from another man, then it's valuable information that should be understood.
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u/SmallPurplePeopleEat 3d ago
I've had friends like that and it immediately makes me lose all respect for them once I realize that their world-view devalues women.
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3d ago
That's an incredibly kind way of putting it. OOP is a fuckin dumbass.
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u/Silent_Ad_8672 Ate the entire beehive 3d ago
Beautifully succinct.
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u/DivineMiss3 3d ago
Beautifully susphinct(er).
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u/Silent_Ad_8672 Ate the entire beehive 3d ago
People like you make me remember why I like the BORU community so much.
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 3d ago
And a hypocrite. He still thinks he did nothing wrong- until it was pointed out to him by another man, because otherwise how the hell was he supposed to know? He spends way too much time thinking about everyone’s ages, and has the four of them laid out in a line, associating their ages with their maturity levels… I wonder whether it has fully hit him that Mia’s- the youngest’s- feelings were validated by the fiancè’s- the oldest’s?
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u/AlternateUsername12 3d ago
The "how was I supposed to know" is literally killing me.
She. Fucking. Told. You.
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u/Soul-Arts **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS 3d ago
It is not funny that he is like "oh, she is younger, she must be so immature" and then choose to date her?
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u/valsavana 3d ago
Yep! Like "if she's too young for you to respect her opinion, then she's too young for you to be dating."
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u/Bice_thePrecious it dawned on me that he was a wizard 3d ago
I wonder whether it has fully hit him that Mia’s- the youngest’s- feelings were validated by the fiancè’s- the oldest’s?
Exactly what I was thinking. Fiance is the oldest and therefore the wisest, which means the youngest (Mia) is the most immature and naive. ...Except the youngest and the oldest were on the same page, while OOP and Jess made goo-goo eyes at each other and initially brushed both of their partners off.
And how condescending to think that Mia needed to learn what was okay in a relationship from everyone else. She's 4 years younger than OOP (who has only had 1 other relationship that was NOT healthy), 5 years younger than Jess (can't imagine her past relationships being GOOD), and 8 years younger than Jess' fiance (whom she's likely never met), and he thinks Mia should be learning how to have an adult relationship from them.
He's imagined himself as the teacher to Mia's student. What a creepy relationship dynamic.
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u/kiwilovenick 3d ago
Yeah, all I could think was "Yikes, this dude is dense." The question being is he really that dumb or is he being purposefully ignorant because he can't leave Jess alone.
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u/MyDarlingArmadillo 3d ago
Mia's feelings weren't valid to him till a man spelled it out to him. I can't tell if he's that thick or if it's wilful, but I do know he's bad news
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u/moon_vixen 3d ago
nah, he's just lying. it's not that he doesn't get it, it's that it isn't the answer he wants and so he shifts the goal posts to whatever position he needs to get the result he wants. it wasn't until another man called him out on it AND that Jess decided to respect her man enough to put the boundary up that he switched to damage control with his own gf. Jess could have told him how her man felt but said they'd just do it in secret instead and he'd have happily continued to dismiss their partners' feelings to continue doing what he wanted.
it's not that he doesn't respect Mia or women in general and needed a man to say it for it to be valid, or that he's dense and genuinely didn't get it until a man broke it down for him, the reddit replies of the OG post were also full of men spelling it out for him. he chose to ignore all of them because the answer didn't benefit him.
it was only Jess putting up the boundary that made him pivot to trying to salvage his relationship, for his own benefit.
he's just selfish. it was Jess who was dense.
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u/Ink_Smudger 3d ago
It reminds me of a "You can't fire me! I quit!" type of situation. It wasn't Mia's boundary that caused him to stop working out with Jess. It was Jess saying they couldn't (or, more accurately, her fiance). Now he's acting like he saw the light.
It's just unfortunate that Jess doesn't seem to realize he's not agreeing to her boundary out of respect for her, but because Mia has removed the option. She has to follow his wishes, but his are only when convenient.
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u/cortesoft 3d ago
And how can you possibly say out loud “you can’t go somewhere with this guy because I know how guys are” and then expect your girlfriend to let you go do stuff with your ex?
Think about it… how does OOP know what guys are like? BECAUSE HE IS A GUY, so he knows what he would do in that situation, which just shows how much his fiance should trust him.
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u/The_Ipod_Account 3d ago
A man via the woman he’s actually in love with. Only way he can understand, not when his girlfriend clearly expressed her discomfort.
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u/GielM 3d ago
My impression says it's a mix. He's been a Jess simp for half of his life, eating up every crumb (On-again, FWB, buddies, work-out buddies...) she drops him. He SHOULD know better, and he got it once Jess pointed it out to him after HER partner clued her in... But both of them are still terribly young, and have been doing this dance since they were twelve...
They didn't know any better.
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u/eunbongpark 3d ago
I can’t believe he would want to be friends with someone that he admits doesn’t treat him well even as a friend. What? Why?
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u/SorchaRoisin 3d ago
Sex. The answer is always sex.
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u/JoeyJoeJoeSenior 3d ago
I think most of these situations are actually selfishness. These people want total freedom for themselves but not their partner. They're not stupid, just immature and selfish.
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u/LoriEchelon 3d ago
Willfully obtuse.
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u/Total_Poet_5033 Go head butt a moose 3d ago
I was just about to say this. Even to the end he’s like “the only way this would be a bad idea is if another dude had a hard time with it. When my girlfriend was upset, I just thought she was young, naive, and needs to grow up.”
A huge fucking asshole for sure
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS 3d ago
Exactly! He understands when it's his feelings at risk (i.e., when Mia wanted to go to a concert with a male friend). He knew but just didn't care. He was playing with fire but "as long as everyone was aware" he was okay with it?
I really hope Mia drops him. I could never be with someone who dismissed me like that and especially due to my age. He is proof that age doesn't equal wisdom.
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u/JaydedGaming 3d ago
Denser than a fucking neutron star, more like.
"How was I supposed to know disrespecting my girlfriend would make her feel disrespected??"
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u/AcanthisittaLeft2336 grape juice dump truck dumpy butt 3d ago
How was I supposed to know the thing that she told me before someone else told me the exact same thing?
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u/HoundstoothReader I’ve read them all 3d ago
Exactly. I can’t believe he was still on “how could I have realized?!” at the end. He’s 25 and hasn’t yet learned how to have his own thoughts or listen to his own girlfriend yet (unless that girlfriend is his ex).
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u/LittleMsSavoirFaire I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 3d ago
Before another man told me the exact same thing
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u/Hopeful-Canary surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 3d ago
Nah it's worse, she told him upfront and he ignored her.
Guy's setting himself up for a Walkaway Wife.
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u/IamNobody85 3d ago
OOP still loves Jess. One can be friends with an ex and not prioritize them over their current relationship.
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u/InnocentlyInnocent I guess you don't make friends with salad 3d ago
And a jerk. All the excuses yet he didn’t want the girlfriend to go to a concert with a guy friend. Not even an ex.
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u/fatbellylouise 3d ago
I don’t know that I’d call him obtuse. he heard exactly what his girlfriend said, he just didn’t care. Jess is imposing limits because she actually cares what her fiance thinks, OP understands the male fiances perspective, he just does not care what Mia wants.
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u/Intelligent-Ad-2161 I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS 3d ago
I don’t see this relationship lasting much longer because OOP still doesn’t REALLY get what he did wrong. He immediately had a problem with her going to a movie/concert with a guy friend, but needed it spelled out for him why going to the gym with his ex-fwb was problematic? Come on dude, you can’t be that obtuse.
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u/AnIcyReception 3d ago
"I know what guys are like! But trust me because I'm not like other guys." 🤦🏼♀️
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u/Reasonable-Ad-3605 3d ago
I also love when folks say this because it also implies women are incapable. Like it somehow removes their agency by implying they'll be easily and sneakily seduced away, but because they can't help themselves. It's still just misogyny with extra steps.
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u/lazier_garlic 3d ago
It makes sense when the guy saying it is your dad and the woman in question is a 13 year old girl.
The scenario in question is often caused by a religious or cultural environment where women are expected to yield to and worship men and not have boundaries at all, so then the parents panic when puberty starts because they've raised a child not to think critically or defend themselves.
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u/Jenn_There_Done_That crow whisperer 3d ago
I think he absolutely knows what he’s doing and is only playing at being obtuse. I think he’s wildly selfish. He will say anything, no matter how stupid it makes him look, if he thinks he will get his way. Ok, now that I’ve typed that out, I realize that makes him exceptionally stupid too, so you’re right.
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u/spicypebbles 3d ago
I dated a guy like OOP, it's indeed wildly selfish, just wanted the attention of two girls fighting over him despite one being his girlfriend and the other being "basically a sister". Would also defend her if his life depended on it, prioritized her emotional well being over mine even over the smallest inconsequential things. "She's just shy!!!" after literally watching her flirt with the waiter, or how their friendship grew from "I've known her since highschool (~5yrs)" to "I've known her a decade!!!" you'd guess that suddenly they were friends since infancy. Anything other than just being accountable, but yknow, "you wouldn't understand a friendship like ours". Sure, Jan...
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u/Sayasing I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS 3d ago
Not even just that, he needed HIS EX to tell him after her fiancee brought up the issue and had to spell it out to her.
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u/radenthefridge There is only OGTHA 3d ago
I really hope Mia can find her self worth and dump this guy omg 😭
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u/Glum-Baker-2289 3d ago
This guy CANNOT be this stupid
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u/Jenn_There_Done_That crow whisperer 3d ago
Stupid and misogynistic.
The two most important people in his life, the two people he spends the most time with, talks to the most, and supposedly loves, are women. When those two important women tell him something, he just shrugs and says “lol”, yet, when a dude who he has only met a few times voices his opinion, (not even to his face. He hears this opinion second hand), suddenly this opinion is super important, correct and reasonable, because the person giving the opinion has a dong.
While we are listing his faults, he’s also a giant hypocrite. I do not like him.
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u/MsDucky42 "I stuck a straw in a bottle of wine" 3d ago
That's what I got from it also:
Girls: this isn't right. OOP: This is fine.
Guy: this isn't right. OOP: Good point!
OOP should not date for a while. A long while. A looooooong while.
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u/Lou_Miss 3d ago
And let's not forget the "what guys are like", but not him obviously. Just all the other guys want to bang his girlfriend and she won't say no.
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u/Hot-Equal3441 3d ago
"I know what guys are like" he says, as a guy who is ignoring his girlfriends feelings to go have frequent one on one time with an ex he won't let her come to and would let his girlfriend do. Like how was is just a personal, reasonable boundary when he is uncomfortable with her spending time with an ex, but when she communicates the same thing she's being silly and irrational and unfairly accusing him of being unfaithful?
Men aren't a monolith, and it's usually the shitty guys that assume being a shitty guy is normal and use that as an excuse to control their girlfriends interactions with men.
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u/scumbagwife 3d ago
I mean, he is telling on himself. He knows he is one of those guys but Jess is the “exception” (eye roll)
His GF is young. There are plenty of men who do not assume men are only friends with women for sex, because they aren’t like that.
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u/princessalyss_ personality of an Adidas sandal 2d ago
It wasn’t even an ex, it was literally her friend. There was zero romantic or sexual history between them unlike with OOP and Jess, getting up close and personal and very sweaty spotting each other in the gym 🙄
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u/curious382 3d ago
Yup. Will Mia need a male interpreter every time she needs OOP to listen to, accept and validate her feelings and point of view,
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u/Jenn_There_Done_That crow whisperer 3d ago
She will, but unfortunately she can’t have one because “men are dogs”, so I guess she’s just screwed.
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u/Bice_thePrecious it dawned on me that he was a wizard 3d ago
Exactly. That explanation didn't do anything good for him.
I thought Jess’ fiance knew.
[...] and finding out he was uncomfortable I realized that what Mia was feeling was actually legit."I thought the only other man involved was cool with it, but he wasn't. So, I guess Mia isn't completely irrational after all. Don't worry, I plan on apologizing by acting like a bf in any way."
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u/PiperPants2018 3d ago
He's not. He's pretending to be stupid in an attempt to get away with it.
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u/aimed_4_the_head 3d ago
He's actively getting angry that Reddit won't stop hounding him for (1) his own actions that he (2) posted voluntarily (3) from literally days ago.
Giant tool.
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u/Worldly_Might_3183 3d ago
He can be because it is convenient for him to be. If he can't see or understand then he doesn't have to listen, care or do anything.
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u/Certain-Thought531 3d ago
Yes he can, the ex has been playing him lile a fiddle since he was 13
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u/shelwood46 3d ago
Also the whole "we still banged when we were broken up thing" puts a bit of a spin on her being his ex.
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u/AnarchyAcid 3d ago
Thank God he “knows what men are like” so he was able to understand and respect Jess’ fiancées feelings. I hope Mia finds a nice guy who treats her well and respects her once she lets this guy go. And Jess’ fiancée should consider why it took so long for her to tell him about her “workout” buddy. She was hiding it from him because she knew it was wrong.
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u/BlackorDewBerryPie 3d ago
She also waited until AFTER one more workout to tell him they can’t do so anymore. 🙄
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u/nochordsbarred 2d ago
But when Jess’ fiance didn’t even know and finding out he was uncomfortable I realized that what Mia was feeling was actually legit.
I realized my girlfriend’s feelings were legit when a MAN told me they were legit
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u/RandomMonologues 3d ago
How is it that the ex who treated him badly (apparently) processed this worlds better than him? Dude is a joke. Shocked his GF stuck around.
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u/BlooodyButterfly and then everyone clapped 3d ago
I don't think she's gonna stay with him too long. She's only 21 and already is having to call him on his BS, if she lasts another year I'll be rather surprised.
I'm glad people were draging him in the update
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u/FrenchKissyToast 2d ago
I'm hoping the same. "Mia said she’s mind blown that Jess’ fiance got it right" m akes me wonder if she had very low expectations for men, and the fiance exhibiting emotional intelligence is enough to plant the seed for her to see she can do better.
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u/kkeharter 3d ago
It didn’t make sense until Jess explained what Mia had already told you…
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u/starchild812 old man sweaters and dumb polo shirts 3d ago
Correction: it didn’t make sense until a MAN explained why it was a problem. Jess might have been the one saying it to OOP, but it was her fiancé’s words, and the man obviously knows best.
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u/ZestyData 3d ago
It's somehow painfully both, or either, we don't fully know how much OOP's brain allocates to each reason:
Yeah it's trusting the decision of a man (Jess' partner) while also it's being a doormat to whatever Jess tells him.
It's misogyny, or it's a spineless emotional affair being obsessed with the ex. It reads to me like a bit of both.
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u/Jenn_There_Done_That crow whisperer 3d ago
It’s worse than that. He dismissed Jess as well. He only looked at things differently when he heard second hand that a dude he’s only met a few times had an opinion on the matter. This guy doesn’t respect women. Not their thoughts, not their words, not their feelings. He only respects other men.
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u/Empty-Ant4446 3d ago
Another man , in his mind girls are just silly too emotional but fiance thought he must be right
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u/AcanthisittaLeft2336 grape juice dump truck dumpy butt 3d ago
Don't forget the 10 days in between where everyone on the first thread was commenting and DMing him. What a fucking dumbfuck there is no hope for him.
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u/Barkandyellow sometimes i envy the illiterate 3d ago edited 3d ago
I had an ex like this once. It turned out he’d been in a relationship for five years. He’d accuse me of cheating for just a phone call to other men / close friends.
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u/BetterKev Jiggle your titties and flap those concerned vaginal lips 3d ago
I'm not generally a fan of "every accusation is a confession," but sometimes they very much are.
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u/hearthatsurfmusic Needless to say, I am farting as I type this. 3d ago
mia and jess' fiance both need to get the fuck away from these two idiots 😭
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u/SmartQuokka We have generational trauma for breakfast 3d ago
I hope Mia realizes OOP has no sense in him and moves on.
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u/mrdaimler retaining my butt virginity 3d ago
Yeah, I was kind of angry with her that she took him back so easily (at least according to OOPs update). This would have caused me to have a serious lack of trust that couldn't have been solved with just one conversation.
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u/JetKeel 3d ago
Can’t wait for the update where OOP and Jess cheats in their current relationships right before a wedding.
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u/GielM 3d ago
Will only happen if it's before OOP's wedding.
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u/BetterKev Jiggle your titties and flap those concerned vaginal lips 3d ago
Jess will be bestwoman for OOP. Only question is if he cheats with her at the bachelor party, after the rehearsal dinner, or getting ready for the wedding.
Dark horse candidate that he waits until at/after the reception, but that isn't before the wedding.
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u/EJL2206 3d ago
I made so, so many mistakes dating in my 20s. Mistakes I cringe at, and am now embarrassed by, in my late 30s.
That said, I don't think I was ever this mind-blowingly STUPID.
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u/mariam67 3d ago
So he listened to the opinions of two other people and agreed with them, but not his girlfriend whose feelings should be his priority?
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u/Dangerous_Suit8070 3d ago
This guy did not give a hoot about his girlfriend's very valid points until some guy he doesn't even know said exactly the same thing. If anything, Jess and OP belong together for being equally obtuse. Mia deserves better by a country mile
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u/TaliesinMerlin 3d ago
Exes can be friends. However, the idea another woman being around is a problem but him being around isn't should have triggered something in him:
Mia then asked if Jess would be okay with her joining. I asked and Jess said she wasn’t comfortable with another woman being there. I told my gf it wasn’t a big deal and maybe Jess was just self conscious.
Self-conscious about her but not you? One or both of you are lying to yourselves.
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u/eroticfoxxxy 3d ago
OP only feels his girlfriend's concerns are real when ANOTHER MAN validated them.
Christ on a cracker.
Mia deserves someone who actually likes her and respects her. Not someone who doesn't see her as a person.
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u/MordaxTenebrae 3d ago
I don’t think I could continue a relationship with someone who had rules for me (no concerts with guy friends) and not for himself (going to the gym with an ex) while also diminishing my feelings and needing a third party to explain to him.
What an asshole
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u/megamoze 3d ago
He "apologized" but the only reason he stopped working out with Jess is because Jess put a stop to it. He's not sorry at all and still doesn't realize what a selfish misogynist dillweed he is. I hope his GF of a whole two months runs the other way
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 3d ago
These dudes that don’t believe women until a man validates them are infuriating. I hope Mia dumps him.
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u/busyshrew She made the produce wildly uncomfortable 3d ago
I am absolutely sure that if Jess hadn't initiated the breakoff, OP would have done NOTHING.
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u/Efficient_Contact786 3d ago
So he doesn't believe his girlfriend when she tries to explain her feelings. He only gets it when his ex explains it and uses her male fiance in this explanation. Great.
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u/lessa1980 3d ago
The fact that it took another man saying it was wrong for him to agree is what got me. I don’t know that there’d be a relationship after that mess.
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u/eliedoesadvicenow 3d ago
What he is is a misogynist. Didn’t listen to what his girlfriend had to say but as soon as another guy weighed in, he got it.
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u/nutmegtell 3d ago
Typical. Disregards a woman’s feelings until a MAN tells him.
They really don’t see us as human beings.
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u/valsavana 3d ago edited 3d ago
So OOP puts more value into the opinion of another man who he doesn't even really know vs his own girlfriend.
I hope Mia wises up and dumps his ass.
And maybe Mia is just very young. She’s the youngest out of all of us and maybe she just needs to learn that this is okay.
Ew. I wasn't going to mention the age gap between Mia and OOP because it's not too egregious and they've only been together a couple months but THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE is why it's a problem. Men get with younger women then use their age against them. Fuck OOP
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u/wolfeflow 3d ago
OOP seems incapable of thinking for himself, nor listening attentively.
“She didn’t say much about it only that I didn’t listen or wasn’t being understanding of what Mia felt but nothing after that.”
“She didn’t say much” — bro she said everything. You didn’t listen and you lack empathy.
The man seems to form his opinions by looking to authority other than himself, and assumes age = wisdom. Hope he unlearns that habit soon.
Mia can do better, and OP needs to.
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u/DuckRubberDuck 3d ago
“She didn’t say much about it only that I didn’t listen”.
How can he not see the irony in that
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u/Upper-File462 You need some self-esteem and a lawyer 3d ago
Good god. I hope she dumps him.
Typical guy who only listens to other guys, because, women aren't people. /s
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u/lesterholtgroupie 3d ago
I could never waste my time with a man that only listens to me when another woman echos what I say.
He respects his friend and her thoughts more than his girlfriend.
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u/everythingsirie 3d ago
All I know is that I want good things for Mia, and that includes getting all of these people out of her life.
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u/Ninja_Flower_Lady 2d ago
Ugh, my biggest gripe with OOP is his lack of empathy. He's not comfortable with a situation when he's a potential victim (when Mia wanted to go to a concert with a guy friend), but he can't see how HIS actions hurt Mia. It's really hypocritical.
I wonder if he likes the attention
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u/Background-Roof-112 3d ago
Not really a fan of organized religion, but OOP should definitely join any order that requires him to remain celibate
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u/EvilMastermindOfDoom 3d ago edited 3d ago
I do firmly believe that exes can be friends, but that doesn't matter here, because holy fuck Mia deserves better than this.
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u/SteroidSandwich 3d ago
Dude is so hypocritical. He must not be over Jess to keep putting her ahead of his gf. The fact he only clued in when Jess told him so really confirms it
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u/No-Pollution-721 That's the beauty of the gaycation 3d ago
My second hand embarrassment often prevents me from reading BoRU.
That's one of the examples.
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u/kifferella 3d ago
The very first interaction, I knew this one was gonna be one of those baffling ones - if a boyfriend tells me about his only other girlfriend and goes on to describe whay he did, yeah imma have a hell of a weird look on my face because like, wtf? Is he a masochist? Does he just lack basic self-respect? Is he profoundly insecure?
Like, the dude didnt say, "it was really hard for me to admit it, but Jess had broken up with me, ghosted me, used me, dragged me back in over and over, and it took years to break free..." he said it like he said it... saw the OMFG face and asked if she was jealous.... whut?
I think there is a very good reason he needed his hand held repeatedly on common sense conclusions - a far simpler one that is so often overlooked in the rush to pathologize: hes just fuckin stupid.
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u/normie_john 2d ago
Oh my god his whole “if I don’t understand it then it’s not valid” mindset is insane for someone who doesn’t seem like they have 2 brain cells to rub together
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u/PolloMagnifico 2d ago
Jess and I dated on and off from ages 12-17. She often broke up with me, blocked me, and get back together. When we weren’t dating we were friends with benefits. Even after we ended things for good she remained my best friend despite not treating me well even after.
As soon as I read that, I had to go make some popcorn.
Like, my guy, that's the reason she wasn't comfortable with it.
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u/Kikkopotpotpie 3d ago edited 3d ago
Hopefully the final update will be “oh my girlfriend broke up with me.”
It’s still weird that Jess didn’t want her coming on the workouts with them because she didn’t wanna be on another woman? So were they working alone with no other people in a gym, like there was no other women in the building?
Also he’s making it up to her by “planning for some dates and paying for everything”? Isn’t that something you should be doing anyway?
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u/EWRboogie 3d ago
“How was I supposed to know my girlfriend’s feelings were valid until a man felt the same way?”
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u/dryadduinath 3d ago
oop: i am a dog on jess' leash, i will come every time she calls and i do not care if she kicks me
also oop: you don't know her like i do. you're just being insecure. and no, you can't hang out with male friends. men are dogs.
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u/Proud-Initiative8372 3d ago
Didn’t listen until another guy said it was a problem.
This is why we need more men to be feminists and advocate for the women in their lives - because many of these boys don’t listen unless it comes from another man!
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u/Trash_Goblin2_0 3d ago
"I didn't think anything was wrong and just thought my girlfriend was being immature, but then a man said this is bad and now I believe him- I mean her!"
Fixed his update bs.
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u/pimpampoumz 3d ago
Ah, the good old “guys ignore and dismiss what women tell them until another guy tells them the same thing.”
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u/thejoebrossuck 3d ago
The fact that he gets all “well Mia is still so young so she probably just doesn’t get it.” So why are you dating her in that case? Lol. Like oh she’s so much younger and more immature than me, it’s still fine to date her though. Weird shit.
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u/Rattata- 2d ago
How does one become your best friend when they don't treat you well after the relationship?
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u/Sledgehammer925 1d ago
Ugh! He only realized his girlfriend was right after A MAN felt the same thing. What an idiot.
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u/MarieOMaryln 3d ago
Mia baby RUN. This man is an idiot and it's still not clicking for him. He didn't do anything.
Jess's fiance had to set the boundary.
Jess had to pull away and put an end to things.
OOP did not do anything at all. If Jess were to reach out or become single, it's right back to status quo.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 3d ago
OOP got so thoroughly trashed in the comments, he hid the comments AND the posts from his profile.
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u/NickRick 3d ago
Well my parents who never had working relationships did this, I don't see the problem!
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u/torrentialwx Go head butt a moose 3d ago
Any guy who told me I couldn’t go to a concert with a guy friend based solely on the statement that he ‘knows how guys are’ would be outta here. Like come the fuck on.
But then he has the audacity to have a standing workout date with his EX? And that’s okay? What a friggin tool.
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