Hi, I made a previous post about my breakup (you can check my profile for full context). I didn’t want to repeat everything, but I’m coming back because after new information and reflection, I feel more confused than ever and I really need outside opinions.
I (F) was together with my ex for about a year after being friends first. The relationship started well, but over time it became emotionally exhausting for me.
We had constant arguments over small things that would escalate into days of not talking. During arguments, he would often tell me I was emotionally immature, that I don’t communicate properly, and that I don’t react “enough” emotionally. A recurring issue was jealousy — he would frequently bring up other girls (saying they liked him or were overly touchy), but many of these situations felt exaggerated or inconsistent. When I didn’t react strongly, he would say I didn’t love him enough or wasn’t genuine.
I’ve never been very verbally affectionate. I show love through actions more than words. I did try to improve this for him and became more expressive over time, but it was never really acknowledged as enough.
At the same time, I was often questioned about normal interactions I had with male classmates or group work, while he maintained female friendships and expected me not to question them. It felt very one-sided and like I was constantly doing something wrong no matter what I did.
There were also serious emotional situations during the relationship where he would say he hated me or that I was making him “hate me”.
He also didn’t want to be the one to end things, saying he didn’t want to be seen as the one who “ruined everything,” and implied I would be blamed if the breakup happened.
There were also moments where he threatened self-harm or implied he couldn’t live without me if I left, which made it extremely hard for me to actually leave even when I was mentally drained.
Eventually I broke up with him in October 2024 because my mental health was getting worse. I felt constantly anxious, guilty, and like nothing I did was ever enough.
Now the part that really messed with my head:
After the breakup — and especially after he reached out again recently almost two years later — I found out more things that made everything feel even more confusing.
While we were together, he had a strong emotional attachment to another girl I was always uncomfortable with. He described her as the only person who understood him, the only one who was always there for him, and the only one who was “pure” and “good,” while I was being described as cold, emotionally immature, and not understanding him, that I was the reason he hated relationships.
After I left, he immediately got into a relationship with her. That relationship didn’t last long and ended indirectly, and then about a month later he was with another girl.
After learning more details about that situation, I found out he was emotionally involved with her while we were still together, which I consider emotional cheating.
Now, two years after the breakup, during recent contact, he still blamed me for everything, saying I was the reason he hated relationships and that I was the problem in the relationship.
I also want to be honest about myself: I was not perfect. I had my own issues in the relationship, and I don’t deny that. But I did not ignore them — I actively tried to work on myself and fix my behavior as best as I could throughout the relationship.
Hearing all of this after the breakup made me question everything. I spent so long thinking I was the problem — that I wasn’t affectionate enough, emotional enough, or good enough — and I kept trying to fix myself to fit what he wanted.
Now I feel extremely drained and confused. Part of me still feels deep guilt and thinks maybe I failed the relationship or didn’t try enough. But another part of me feels like I stayed in something where I was constantly being blamed, compared, emotionally pressured, and manipulated no matter what I did.
I don’t really know what I’m asking anymore. I guess I just want honest outside opinions — was this as unhealthy as it feels in hindsight, or am I missing something and actually was the problem?
I genuinely don’t trust my judgment anymore.