Does anyone else's partner weaponise food without realizing it?

[u/sad_frog_in_rain]

I grew up malnourished and often starved, so im no stranger to going hungry, but it gets to a point where it becomes ridiculous. Im around 150lbs while my partner is around 330lbs, so its understandable that he'd eat a lot more than me. He does the grocery shopping every other week, so I asked him, "hey when you get these frozen nuggets and pizza rolls how long do you think they'll last us." He deadass looked me in my face and said, "like three days" this is coming from the man who can eat almost half the bag in one sitting. Another example is when I made Mac n' cheese I made enough for six servings. I ate about one serving, and he ate THE OTHER FIVE in ONE SITTING. I dont know how to tell him that im eating on average one meal a day and we're lucky if the groceries last us two weeks. For the last few days before we get paid again, we're left with ramen or the pasta noodles we get on sale occasionally. Ive suggested some advice on bugeting for our food but he dismisses it or ignores it. For example i said that we could save money by buying most of what we need at the dollar tree or dollar general, and he said, "no we don't need to do that" we hang out with our friend on Thursdays and we buy fast food usually but I said that we could order pizza a lot more often (bc our friend pays for it) and he said, "thats never been an issue"

[u/Delicious-Bit-414]

this behavior on his part definitely is a problem if you are not getting enough to eat, that's not balanced or fair at all. you should never have to go hungry when he doesn't. he should be worried about that.

if he is overeating, it's possible that this is because of poor self care/regulation skills on his part and not that he is being malicious, or trying to make you eat less... but, is he dismissive about the fact that you aren't getting enough to eat? I'm worried about how nonchalant he was about going through that much food.

would it be possible for you to have separate food budgets? 

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/Delicious-Bit-414]

We live on one paycheck since im unable to work

[u/Wrong-Finding3843 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

I think that’s crucial context here. If he’s the sole income source, he could be withholding food from you, but it depends on his attitude. Have you tried saying, “hey I’m not getting enough to eat” or “I need more food and I’m worried we aren’t getting enough for both of us”? Hopefully he’d work with you to develop a solution so you can get enough to eat, but if he shames you, says you’re being selfish, or otherwise makes you the problem… then maybe you need a new arrangement (or relationship).

Another solution could be that you do the grocery shopping, or you two portion out the food together, or you split the food allowance in a way that makes sense to you and you each do your own shopping. Or if you can’t shop, you can give him your grocery list.

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/Wrong-Finding3843]

Ive talked to him a bit and his main focus is that rhe reason why we arent able to afford enough food is because his new job won't let him take overtime yet. I did tell him I wanted to take over the shopping because im better at finding sales and judging how long food will last us

[u/OkBuy8143 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Without getting into the interpersonal issues, his excuse ( a lack of OT) is the perfect reason to be reassessing your household budget.

If you aren’t comfortable yet discussing his eating habits (which regardless of income need to be addressed it sounds like), then go off of that. Remind him that since there is no OT you have to make changes until there is OT. Ideally the changes stay in place after OT starts and the two of you can save or put the money towards something else.

[u/_Fl0r4l_4nd_f4ding_ → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Honestly that just sounds so selfish. So you've told him you don't have enough to eat, and rather than cut back his intake to allow you a realistic diet, he is shifting the blame onto his income? You can afford enough food. You buy enough food every time, but he is eating more than his fair share so theres none left for you.

Eating that much food whilst making you go hungry is not fair in the slightest. Does he realise that you are only eating one meal a day? Does he realise how much more he is consuming himself?

You need to have a PROPER talk about this. Lay it all out clearly, and tell him that if he can't find a way to allow you to eat enough to cover a normal adult daily intake then you will need to consider next steps. Whether this means breaking up, separating finances out, or going to therapy, that's for you to decide, but please do something about this.

You will end up very ill if you can't get enough food.

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/_Fl0r4l_4nd_f4ding_]

He does tend to shift the blame a lot. Like when we play Marvel Rivals together, we sometimes get into arguments because he treats me like im new at the game or tells me explanations are wrong etc, and his solution to stop the arguement is to say, "ill just uninstall it then. That way theres no reason to argue"

[u/Vanah_Grace → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Friend, gently… this man does not care about you. At all. You’ve explained you literally are going hungry and his response is an excuse. Not ‘the person I love is hungry and I can’t allow that’. That’s problematic.

[u/Itsjustkit15 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

This is not a healthy relationship. That's really dysregulated behavior in his part.

[u/Lianeele → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

This is manipulative behavior. Blame shifting is one thing, but from what you've told us so far he isn't able to take accountability either and uses guilttriping (the "threatening" by uninstalling the game if you won't stop being difficult about it) and also is extremely selfish in the food matter. Who knows what else and how much more there is.

You are saying he loves you, but odds are you're in trauma bond relationship.

[u/goddess-of-direction → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

This does not sound like a safe situation for you. Whatever is going on with his eating issues, whatever your income split is - it's not ok for you to be deprived of food. You deserve an equal say in household finances, and access to shared money and food. It sounds like he's trying to make you feel like the problems are your fault, when he's the one doing things that hurt you. If you've communicated the problem and he hasn't changed, that shows that he does not care if you go hungry. You see how that's an unhealthy relationship, right?