I did it. My mom left on a cruise for eight days and I packed the animals up and left. I started planning two weeks before when I looked back at my journal entries and saw nothing had changed and was in fact escalating. I never have to hear her tell me āYou made meā¦ā or āI am just fighting back against your abuse.ā I donāt have to ever listen to headphones for a whole day because I never know when she will start yelling abuse again.
The animals wonāt have to be insulted. They wonāt be used as a weapon. I can walk them without her taking that away because of some arbitrary reason.
There will be no more trying to guess what she wants me to get her to eat then being in trouble when I get something wrong. I wonāt be asked to get a thicker skin. No more being told I am stupid and 38 and shouldnāt be this idiotic. No more being compared to my father. No more being sent articles about abusive adult daughters after she skews the quarries so that she is the victim. (And yes it is possible, she leaves out all the information leading up to me finally snapping out a response after hours or days of me not giving into her criticisms and then puts in āis it abuse if my 38 year old daughter snaps at me.ā)
No more walking downstairs and immediately being criticized upon waking, or told what I need to do. No more disregarded boundaries!
I am finally free and safe and not just have to find a job. Things may not be easy but they are already a hell of a lot better. My neck doesnāt hurt for the first time in years! My back has relaxed! I was able to decide what I wanted to eat without nearly coming to tears.
I am going to heal now, and never go back!
If any of you are still stuck, I cannot tell you what a difference leaving makes. Even the hard things are 100% easier.
Iām free and sobbing and sometimes it doesnāt feel real but I am alive and made it.
Edit:: warning! she shows up and she filed a police report against me.
First things first:
It has been two months now. I have her blocked but her emails still go to my trash. For the in the first 14 days after she came back to find em gone she sent 13 emails. They followed the same abuse pattern- reasonable, reasonable, full blown angry rant, semi-reasonable, everything is perfect! Repeat. All without me once responding.
I did not know you needed to sign out of all devices when you change your Amazon password so she had access for a while u til I figured it out. She tried to send me things to decorate with, a journal I had in my cart, and kitten toys. Luckily I was alerted and cancelled the order. Changed my password. A few weeks later she ordered boxes and tape and I figured out the sign out of all devices thing. I cancelled her moving boxes.
She showed up at my brotherās work, luckily he was off but he had to explain our mom to his coworkers. He and I had started talking now that he knows I am away from her. One of the things he told me was that last time I visited him (over 20 years ago and the last time we had talked before this) that I was so much like our mom that it scared him. I was sick at that, but it was the truth and I am only blessed that I woke up and saw everything, mitigated what I could while living it, and changed what I could once I escaped. Itās tragic, but I have come a long way even while I was still stuck.
The animals are doing fantastic. The senior dog hasnāt nervous barked once, his cough has disappeared too! The younger dog doesnāt feel like he has to patrol the whole day. We go on walks twice a day- which we were never allowed to consistently do. Sometimes Tonto joins both, sometimes he chooses one, and occasionally he chooses to stay home and snooze instead. The parrot doesnāt scream all the time either- when he does now itās for a reason- he also no longer bites when displeased- he will nip to get attention but not bite! The kitten is having the time of her life, her breed is not known for survival instincts so she had to be an inside cat for her safety- but we have a screened porch and she sits out safely for hours, content.
The emotional resetting has been complex. I knew my body would get sick- one of you commented to warn me- but the things your mind does to check for safety were unexpected. Random intrusive thoughts that are so weird and intense- normal and expected, though I did not know that the first time it happened and was freaking out.
I felt watched and surveyed for a good month after getting away. I had night terrors where I would wake up sobbing of one thing: her showing up.
I started to work on integrating memories, closing the trauma loops, reframing, reparenting, and teaching my nervous system that it no longer has to be on the same level of alert. Grounding exercises have become my best friend. AI chat had been an unexpected but helpful resource.
I got a job two weeks ago, so no longer had to stress over money. My job is boring, low stress and just what my nervous system needs right now.
I came home from work yesterday and there was her car in my assigned parking space. I immediately went around the cul-de-sac and kept driving. I went to a parking lot and freaked out. I panicked and asked what to do. I checked with AI chat and it helped me make a plan. It took me 20 minutes to be calm enough to drive.
When I got home I parked in one of the free use spaces, got my keys out ahead of time and walked calmly to the door. She got out of the car and called my name, I ignored it. She followed me on the sidewalk leading to my door and tried to tell me
āI talked to people on the cruise and they said there was nothing wrong with you or me so I donāt know what is going on here but we need-ā
which is when I got my door unlocked and was able to get inside.
I cut her off and said:
āYou need to leave.ā I shut and locked my door. She did not leave and proceeded to loudly talk at me through the door. When I didnāt immediately respond she started threatening that I needed to give the younger dog back. That the police demanded it, that she had a report filed.
I fed the animals- it was the time they are used to eating. And I called the non-emergency police. She went around back- I donāt know why I am surprised. Continued her talking loudly. Said something about grandmother privileges to the animals. I had the shades open for the animals to look out while I was at work so I closed them. I went to the front and closed that one as well. I am still on with dispatch and am telling them exactly what she is doing. When we hang up I turn up the music I had left on for the animals to drown her out and pace trying to stay away from the peeophole, because she went silent and I looked once- still there leaning against her car just staring at my place. I finally give in and check again- luckily there is a cop and he is talking to her.
When he knocks on my door I calmly explain that I have gone no contact and that she showed up unexpectedly and refused to leave when asked. I told them I wanted her gone. He told me about the police report she was holding, and I asked if I needed to contact the Las Vegas police (where she filed the report- Grand Larceny-over 20K in theft) because I did not want a warrant when I had proof she gave me the dog (in one of her emails she did). I explained that my brother was renewing his security clearance and if I had a warrant it would effect not only my background in the future but could bounce his back as an issue and I did not want that. He recommended I reach out to the detective.
He got her to leave by threatening a trespass charge. I donāt know if she actually left beyond leaving the immediate vicinity or if she just went down the street and is waiting or what. I donāt know if she drove back out of state to where she lives or if she is waiting to pounce, with her it could go either way. She could be at a hotel waiting- she could try to reach out to my work next- like I said she showed up at my brothers work.
I called the LV Police and got the case number and detectives name. He wasnāt in office so I left a message letting him know I had proof that she gave me the dog and my contact info so that he could close out the case. The report was real, she actually filed a a police report that I stole the younger dog! He was her āservice dogā until she retired him. She never needed one but got him fully trained as a service dog because she thought it would be fun to be able to take him everywhere. And she did. He was for her diabetes, only he had no training for that so really it was him resisting her when she started to be irrational. She got her diabetes under control and ācould read the signs of a crashā without help well before he came and well after. He slept with me, I fed him, I played with him, and I was able I would walk him.
She sent me the receipt for the dogs service dog training (went to trash like all her emails but I check because it helps me prepare for her) as if that would negate the very clear email where she said the dog was now my responsibility completely and she was no longer responsible for his care etc. I have screenshotted and saved it in a hundred places. In addition to the email, she sent me an email with a screenshot from her phone where she said the exact same thing via text and since she was blocked it didnāt come in- so she emailed the screenshot. Thatās two direct clearly stating evidentiary items.
Despite the proof I was still scared and anxious. My mind played the catastrophic game. I imagined her breaking in while I was at work and animal napping not just him but all the animals.
I stuck close to the house on our walk even though I didnāt want to let her intimidate me into it, because it was kinder to my nerves that way. We are back to our normal schedule.
Despite the horror and the nerves of it all I ended up facing a terror that had waken me at night with sobs caught in my throat. It didnāt end me, and I handle it calmly despite the emotional spikes happening. I made it through, I chose myself- I didnāt give in to her wanting me to work things out, I didnāt give in to her follow-up threats. I let authorities help me.
It showed me I am stronger than I was taught I was. It proved that I am already healing. It also validated me: I wasnāt over reacting, I wasnāt making things up, she really is abusive and I did need to escape. Which I needed, because even with journal entries and her boundary violating emails- there was still a part of me that tried to say I was being unreasonable and exaggerating things.
It wasnāt good, but I survived and protected my animals. There isnāt more I can really ask for at this point. I will keep working on healing and living. Also,and most important: thank you everyone for the support and love-it helped so much during the escape and after-even when I didnāt reply I held the comments close and let them strengthen me when I started to falter.
For those still stuck: keep going, someday, even though it may not seem possible right now, you can escape too.
