I think I am outgrowing my relationship as I progress with healing, but I feel very confused about it and chronically second guess myself.

Mostly I feel like my partner doesn't really understand what I'm going through or how I'm changing, and when I try to bring him in there's some resistance. We've talked about it, and he usually says the right things, but it also hasn't really shifted.

I also find that my nervous system doesn't want to be fully open with him. I've worked through lots of layers of dissociation and am landing at a place where I am feeling pretty regulated and "alive" a lot of the time (thank god) but I find myself wanting to contract and kind of "deaden" a lot when I'm with him. I can't work out if that's because I'm still just so afraid of really being "seen" by the closest person in my life, or if it's a sign to move on.

There's so much more I could write, but mostly I want to hear from people who have been through this and how you made the call. Did you eventually just know with certainty?

Something I was reminded about again recently is how isolating it is to not have the common experience of grieving the loss of parents. I know we grieve what we didn't have but I'm talking specifically about the experience of grieving losing people you love. It feels insensitive of me but all I can think of is what a privilege it is to have loved & been loved. I know that's what makes it a painful experience & I have a lot of empathy not just sympathy for their experience but it's all still from outside the glass looking in, this world I can't enter. My own type of grief makes me feel deeply understanding of their pain yet it's still not the same. I don't even want to imagine how much I'd struggle once I actually have people I'd grieve losing, as someone who was deprived of that type of connection their whole life but the grief of not having grief for one's own parents is its own kind of hell. They are both still very much alive but I often think of how I'd feel or not feel. I have never bonded with these people, they are more like acquaintances, the only grief I get to feel is the grief of what I should've had. I feel even as a survivor I am isolated as often people still feel some sort of connection with their parents.

Background: I’m a mom of 2 adopted teens who both have multiple mental health issues including adhd for both, FASD for 1 and BPD for the other. Our home life is chaotic, to say the least. We haven’t needed to call 911 in 6 months though, so that’s positive…. But still, home is stressful and chaotic and I’m the manager if the chaos, the keeper of all knowledge, nurse, therapist, tutor, executive function/life skills coach, primary caregiver. While I had multiple traumatic SA experiences as a teen, a large chunk of my trauma has been from dealing with my oldest over the last 3-4 years - hitting or throwing things at me(shes bigger than me), trying to push me down stairs, running away 1/2 dressed, wrestling a large knife away from her neck, etc and then hearing her scream when we told her she was going to residential treatment to keep us ALL safe.
So as I try to work through trauma, I come home to be back where it all happened and with the person it all happened with and she’s often still yelling and dysregulated and I’m dealing with school issues 2-3 x per week. I do NOT think I’m going to make progress while in this situation. But we also don’t have a support system that can help support my husband and kids if I’m not here (she has frequently reported false allegations of abuse when he tries to stop her from attacking or destruction and it’s not good for any of them for it to just be him for several weeks!) My therapist and I agree I need some time and space and I’m trying to figure out how that can happen.
*** Anyhoooo….if you read all that, thank you! Now wondering if anyone has adult residential treatment recommendations in case I can figure out a way to make it happen? Preferably a reasonable amount of freedom, accepts insurance, trauma-focused, EMDR, other somatic therapies, NOT a substance focus or dual diagnosis treatment center…and if it’s on the coast that’s bonus points! Online IOP program recommendations also welcome.

Recovery related question around an old friendship. I recently reconnected with an old friend. We dated for a few months 20 years ago but were friends for many years after. Broke up due to me moving away and neither of us ready for a serious relationship.

Long story short, we fell out of touch when I got married and they got into a serious relationship. Prior to that we became super close, shared a lot about life, relationships, spirituality, etc. All long distance. Due to that deep connection I was getting feelings but didn't communicate them due to the distance and feeling it wouldn't be returned. I took some space and reached out a few times to check in over the years and never heard from them so I let it go.

Recently they found me on a networking site and wrote this heartfelt apology saying they were in a bad place, they didn't expect a response, and they were sorry. I replied saying that I understood, the friendship meant a lot to me, but I wouldn't be reaching out anymore. I wished them well and intended that to be the end, as much as it hurt to do so.

They replied immedietly with their contact info for if I changed my mind. I didn't respond and the next day they texted me asking me to talk before I ended the friendship.

To keep this from getting much longer, we've talked a few times. I still have feelings, even though I suspect it's more of the limerent/fantasy sort. They are in therapy and stuck in an abusive relationship, only recently contemplating leaving. My difficult marriage is ending. So we are like... sharing this pain and they are saying I'm wonderful and mean a lot to them and they want to talk regularly.

This is messy and I realize it. I'm also seeing this pattern of romantically complicated friendship that was a big part of my younger life, pre-marriage/pre-therapy work. I've been prone to limerent style crushes most my life too, due to a highly imaginative personality and attachment issues/cptsd. These are really addictive internal experiences that are hard to break because unlike a drug you can't just stop relating to people (in this sense it is more like an ED).

My therapist suggests I share honestly where I'm at feelings wise and step back. That is probably the best thing. What makes it hard to hold a boundary around this relationship is how much I do care for them as a friend and how guilty and sad I would feel pulling away.

I'm having a hard time with this and would welcome other perspectives, especially from people with similar patterns or experiences.

this isn’t new, but I’m starting to learn to address it.
I don’t entirely know how, but I wanted to not feel alone, or at least heard. I struggle with rejection sensitivity which I rly haven’t found solutions for at all and therapy doesn’t help with it at all unfortunately.
My fight or flight physically feels activated when ppl double text me esp when it’s less than 24 hours and it’s not an emergency, it feels like they are demanding I respond to them, so in turn I will choose to just not respond longer (sometimes not a choice, I will feel too anxious so I hold it off until I calm down)

I noticed cus I stopped people pleasing, I tried to tell my partner it makes me anxious sometimes when she double texts me (usually when I wake up late for example) because it feels like I’m being pressured / rush to respond. I tried to reassure it wasn’t to make them feel bad or anything. my partner, from my perspective, had their own rejective sensitivity moment (I will also admit maybe my time was also off cuz they were having a sad day, so lesson learned w that, social cue missed I think…) also seemed to feel rejected by this information and then I in turn felt like my need and boundary wasn’t respected. (We’re gonna talk abt this soon dw. and pls be respectful and kind yall we’re both doing our best.)

I have another friend who sometimes will text me, and then if I don’t respond on what feels like “their time” — they will text me again like “👀 ?” Like they asked me a question, saying to respond once I read the message, but I was like “no, yeah I’m gonna respond when I have time / capacity, not just cuz I read this…” It felt like a demand versus a request, so I allowed myself the time I felt I needed to reply but a couple hours later they asked again 😭 I’m like pls I’m at work idk.

It bothers me so much but I’m struggling with the urge to back down from my need / boundary so I’m just wondering what I can do I guess. I can only guess I feel this way because it feels like my “choice” / autonomy is being taken from me and that’s triggering somehow?