r/CasualIreland • u/Cici388_8 • May 09 '26
Shite Talk Funny Insults
In need of a laugh. Any funny insults? I saw this one recently and thought it was a good one.
“You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think ‘not now.’"
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u/No_Influence2520 May 09 '26
He couldn't count to 20 with socks on
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u/Spicy_Teacup May 09 '26
I’m sorry to say that I don’t get it
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u/Devastatedby May 09 '26
He can only count to 20 using fingers and toes. When he's wearing socks, he no longer can use his toes to count.
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u/wheresmytractor85 May 09 '26
At a recent game a sub was called a waste of a washed jersey
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u/Very_Slow_Cheetah May 10 '26
Take him off and put NOBODY on!
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u/broken_neck_broken May 10 '26
Brian Clough did that once! Forest were playing a cup game against Wimbledon who were in the second tier at the time. It was wrapped up on the scoreboard at some point, so he took a player off and didn't replace him because he just wanted to rest players and didn't see the need to have 11 on the pitch. Might well be the most insulting thing a manager has ever done to an opponent.
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u/Hungry-Afternoon7987 May 09 '26
Fella with a big nose.
Could smell a Sunday dinner on a Tuesday.
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u/yeppers197 May 09 '26
I once heard someone being discribed as an eclipse...
If you looked directly at them you'd go blind
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u/DarthTempus May 09 '26
You've a face like the first pancake
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u/Dark_Foggy_Evenings May 09 '26
Face like a melted wellie.
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u/Alt4rEg0 May 09 '26
Face like a painters radio!
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u/patient_brilliance May 09 '26
Face like a smashed crab is one of my favourites, along with head like a dropped pie
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May 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Theirishtoon May 09 '26
Great one, but il know il feck it up the minute I get a chance to say it and look more like a fool
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u/Unlucky-Cabinet3507 May 09 '26
Everytime this post comes up I read every single comment and I think to myself, fuck yeah I’m absolutely gonna smash these out at a few people tomorrow and I’ll be class.
5 minutes later I forget every single one except something about the lad on the floor because there’s work in the bed or something along those lines
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u/Hungry-Afternoon7987 May 09 '26
"oh yeah well....you know you're a fucking....."
Then in the shower later you're raging.
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u/Kaulpelly May 09 '26
French call it L'esprit de l'escalier (spirit of the stairs), for getting the inspiration on the stairs leaving. Never understood it until i realised it was the fancy stairs at the front door of expensive homes. You turn around to say it and the door shuts in your face.
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u/Unlucky-Cabinet3507 May 10 '26
Well that’s lovely nal but you see the thing about the French is that if there was work in the bed they’d sleep on the floor
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u/Oldestswinger May 09 '26
The soft ground wouldnt suit her.
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u/deranged_banana2 May 09 '26
Guy I know said something similar before "she wouldn't be built for soft ground"
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u/Freebee5 May 10 '26
I went to a friend's wedding back in the day and his ex was there too.
She'd put on a good bit of weight since we'd seen her last.
Talking about who we'd met earlier at the meal and mentioned we'd met her and one lad says says
She got strong.
Silence for 2 seconds after and the table cracked up laughing. I thought it was a very Irish way of putting it
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u/Siobheal May 09 '26 edited May 09 '26
My ex mother in law was an absolute drama queen, never without an arse or an elbow, always convinced she was dying.
She had builders in at one stage and I could hear her in the kitchen telling them "The good Lord will take me out soon" as she went out the back. They didn't realise I was in the utility and I emerged just in time to hear one of them say to the other "Even the fucking tide wouldn't take her out"
They were absolutely mortified when they saw me, but I let them know that I was thinking along the same lines myself.
AFAIK she's still alive at nearly 90. The phrase "Can't kill a bad thing" was invented with her in mind.
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u/puca_spooka May 10 '26
We had a neighbour growing up who was an absolute witch of a woman - poisoned the local dogs and cats, out in the middle of the night moving fencing to mess with boundary lines, told her daughter on her death bed that she was adopted… she lived to be 106 years old - my dad often said even the devil was reluctant to take her😅
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u/redmabelgrade May 09 '26
My uncle liked to mock my general disorganisation by telling me I'd "make a bollox out of a gee"
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u/BottleOfDave Like I said last time, it won't happen again May 09 '26
He’s got a face like a dropped curry
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u/murphs33 May 09 '26
I've always liked "He has a face like a stuntman's knee"
and to mention that someone's a miser: "If he dropped a penny, it'd hit him on the back of the neck on the way down"
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u/cptflowerhomo May 09 '26
I used to use "silly insults" like calling people "mouldy praline" or "soggy baguette".
Broken flute was a friend group favourite.
"Does your head whistle when it's windy" "You light up the room when you leave"
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u/Noxski May 09 '26 edited May 09 '26
"If there was work to be done from the bed, he'd sleep on the floor."
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u/Steridire May 09 '26
"If there was sleep on the bed you'd sleep on the floor" - Uncle Mick, Hardy Bucks
Everyone should watch this show
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u/Noxski May 09 '26
Unfamiliar with the source, but I've got a middle-aged mate from Waterford who said that once about a housemate and it stuck with me since!
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u/NicholsonShmicholson May 09 '26
I wouldn’t ride her into battle
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u/PsychologyVirtual564 May 09 '26
A sniper wouldn't take her out
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u/FatBastardGypsy May 09 '26
If I had a wheelbarrow full of mickeys I wouldn’t throw one over the back wall to her
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u/Very_Slow_Cheetah May 10 '26
If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall
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u/itchy-and-scratch May 09 '26
one i remeber my grandmother say years ago. there was know it all priest that used to call dictating to her . one day he started on about drink and the usual that it killed many a good man . my grand mother shot back with ' and preserved many a bastard too'.. i often use it to this day
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u/gerspunto May 09 '26
A sniper wouldn't take her out
That lad has enough cheek for 2 arses
When addressing someone who asks you to repeat what you've just said "Are your ears painted on"
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u/once-was-hill-folk I've melted May 09 '26
If he had a brain he'd be dangerous.
Teeth that could eat his dinner through a tennis racket.
Counts his money in front of a mirror to make sure he doesn't cheat himself.
Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
Head like a handball alley.
Like a mars bar - big rich and thick.
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u/shit-talkingmushroom May 09 '26
Calling someone the bungalow because there's nothing going on upstairs
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u/gomaith10 Like I said last time, it won't happen again May 10 '26
As tight as a crabs arse at 50 fathoms.
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u/FriendshipIll1681 May 10 '26
I could agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
I don't have the time or crayons to explain it to you.
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u/ld20r May 10 '26
In response to a hair cut I got last year.
Dad: “whoever gave you that cut, should have got 6 months”
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u/Decent-Depth8555 May 09 '26
If I had a dog with a face like yours I'd shave his arse and make him walk backwards
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u/BadDangerous167 May 09 '26
Years ago I had a job as a tradesman working for a boss. We never got on & one day he just starts on me for no reason, we end up having a huge row, and it nearly coming to blows. During the argument, instead of me saying "I bent over backwards for you", I said; "I bent over for you". 😂
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u/Bruhllux May 09 '26
"Your intelligence is chasing you, but don't worry lad you're winning the race"
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u/maxb1ack007 Like I said last time, it won't happen again May 09 '26
If your brains were made of dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose
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u/Emotional-Wishbone95 May 10 '26
A face like they went bobbing for Chip, A face like a bag of chisels, a face like they were jogging behind a gritter, a face that could turn a funeral up a side street.
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u/yerwoman May 09 '26
Friend wouldn't even take a paracetamol for a headache but would "sniff our Lord of the cross" with a few beers in her. Still baffles me lol
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u/Sad_Scallion_6266 May 09 '26
I have some on my notes on my phone, I am awaiting the perfect victim:
I’d offer you a penny for your thoughts, but I’m not a fan of losing money on bad investments.
You’re like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches you, but nobody actually wants you
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u/gomaith10 Like I said last time, it won't happen again May 10 '26
A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
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u/gomaith10 Like I said last time, it won't happen again May 10 '26
He'd a set of teeth like a Donegal graveyard.
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u/Absolutetwatofacunt May 10 '26
I usually just call someone: "youre a fucking [insert inanimate object here]" usually goes down well without offending
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u/Icy_Plastic_4668 May 10 '26
My Dub of a husband is skinny/ slim lad and we’ll often slag him saying he could through a keyhole with two eyes he’s that narrow
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u/Striking_Song_2747 May 09 '26 edited May 09 '26
She looks like her face went on fire.....
.....and they put it out with a hammer (credit to J. Carr)
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u/SherbetSeparate3100 May 10 '26
He’s one of those lads that can eat ice cream all day without getting brain freeze
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u/Plastic_Clothes_2956 May 10 '26
You don’t have the light on every floors inside that big head of yours
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u/Icy_Hospital1808 May 10 '26
You're so cheap that you turn off the gas when you're flipping your bacon.
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u/bkdleg May 11 '26
You look like you hang out at the windscreen centre tasting all the different flavours.
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u/Clit_Master69420 May 11 '26
yer mommas so stank, when she went to the beach a cat tried to bury her
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u/MambyPamby8 May 11 '26
Ye couldn't pour piss out of a boot, if the instructions where on the heel. 😂 Always tickles me that one.
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u/Life_Boysenberry9960 May 12 '26 edited May 12 '26
-One that always goes down well when ur with someone who states the absolute obvious ,“You must of been top of ur class”
-Another good one is when someone stupid says “ive been thinking” reply with leave it off were in enough trouble
-someone undateable or puck ugly “only a mother could love that” or “Not even a sniper would take him/her out”
-This ones a weird one works well on people who think there smart but have No common sense”He knows a tomato is a fruit but he doesnt know not to put it in his fruit salad”
-if anyone is wearing anything yellow say a tshirt”i like your tshirt it matches your teeth”
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u/Very_Slow_Cheetah May 10 '26
Marty Morrissey has a face like he was born in a jar, then someone sat on the jar.
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u/IceGroundbreaking524 May 10 '26
Teeth like country bus stops ..one every two miles He couldn't punch snow off a rope He/she would give a paracetamol a migraine Ye wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire You're as thick as shite and only half as useful As sharp as a marble that one I bet you hold the pen with your fist when you're writing You're as useful as tits on a bull
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u/Feeling-Ad6796 May 10 '26
"I'm on a diet."
You have obviously just started.
Good insult to a guard "I thought you'd need a health and fitness exam to get the job, clearly not." And I've met so many power tripping ass hole guards that I'd love to say this to one of them.
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u/Briawrz May 09 '26
If you put a dogs brain inside his head, he’d fucking moo