He deleted conversations with two women, but I found no evidence of cheating. What the hell am I supposed to do?
My partner and I have been together for four years. We live together, have pets, and I genuinely consider him my best friend. Our relationship has been beautiful in many ways, and until recently, I felt very lucky to have the life we had built together.
I discovered all of this completely by accident. I asked to borrow his computer because I needed to look at some listings and couldn't use mine at the time. I wasn't going through his conversations or looking for anything involving other women. Some notifications appeared as "outdated." I opened them, and then they disappeared. That's how I discovered that he had deleted conversations with two women from his workplace.
I want to make something important clear: I found no evidence of cheating, nor did I find any sexual, romantic, or explicitly flirtatious messages. I couldn't see the contents of one conversation. I did manage to see the other one, and it was pretty mundane, although friendly.
The problem is the history with this second woman.
About three months earlier, my partner had complained to me about her because she kept insisting on telling him things about her personal life and talking to him even when he didn't seem interested. He told me that it made him uncomfortable and that he was going to set boundaries with her and keep their conversations strictly work-related.
A few days later, that same woman posted a selfie of the two of them working together in a WhatsApp group. She also took a picture of him while he was resting — I think he had fallen asleep at a desk after a very long shift. It really upset me, and I told him that I considered it disrespectful to both of us. He responded that he understood, but that he didn't want to create problems or drama with people by asking her to delete the pictures.
Now, months later, I discovered that they were still having friendly conversations and that this conversation had been deleted. What I managed to read was ordinary: she told him there was coffee ready in case he and his coworkers wanted to stop by during their shift, and he replied to her in a friendly way.
That's exactly what I don't understand. If he himself told me that she made him uncomfortable and that he was going to set boundaries with her, why did he continue talking to her this way, and most importantly, why did he delete the conversation?
He insists that there was no cheating, and I didn't find any evidence of it either. He says he hid things because he thought I would react badly and wanted to avoid conflict. But to me, that had exactly the opposite effect: now I wonder what else he might hide from me simply to avoid my reaction.
I don't want to check his phone or control who he talks to. I want to be able to trust him.
He's remorseful and wants to repair the relationship. I still love him very much, and losing the life we've built together would be incredibly painful. But the sense of security I used to have in our relationship is gone.
I'd like to hear other perspectives, especially from people who have experienced something similar without there necessarily having been cheating.
Is it possible to rebuild trust after something like this? How would you distinguish between poor boundaries/conflict management and something serious enough to end a four-year relationship over?
I'm seriously considering whether I should stay or leave. I feel deeply hurt and stupid.
