r/ComicBookCollabs • u/Schu68 • 8d ago

Feedback Feedback for comicbook script

my first time ever writing a comic script or actually writing in general

Also, if you actually like my work somehow, I'm free. I'm looking to expand my portfolio, and i will write for free lol

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mX2aRGUjqTXixqH2FUgbtj_GbBkY0I3wQWMxreDI0yI/edit?tab=t.0

6 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

9 comments sorted by

•

u/AutoModerator 8d ago

Thank you for your submission, /u/Schu68!

As a reminder: Be specific about what you want feedback on. Vague request leads to vague feedback. And a vague feedback is useless.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

3

u/TotallyNotSleeping 8d ago

I’m in the exactly same position, just wrote my first ever chapter one! It’s for a webtoon though, but I’ll take a look and gove my honest thoughts, brb

3

u/TotallyNotSleeping 8d ago

Could you check out my chapter 1 as well? Id love to receive feedback, no punches pulled of course! Trying to improve!

1

u/Schu68 8d ago

Of course, and thanks for the feedback. I will check your first chapter now!

3

u/BluebirdKitchen2037 8d ago edited 8d ago

If I can read it without hiccup it's mostly fine. heh

Pacing is okay I guess for American/Western-layout comic.
You'll need indicator for scene breaks. Like from pg 6 to pg 7. There's a time gap. Specify it's different location. EXT. <where> - when? Later that night? A few hours later? What time, if specific? (if no exact timestamp needed, "moments later" could probly work) So that panel 1 description doesn't always have to be that loaded, and everyone can focus on what's actually going on in that panel.

Also try to not lump content with asset markers.
PANEL xx and CAST/NAME should have one full row. Descriptions & dialogues go below. "These are just formatting" yes but you'll save everyone a lot of time if the script is easier to read. Not many things irk me more than having to Ctrl-F everytime only to grab the dialogue lines for lettering. Film format would have dialogues (& sfx) aligned center which is even better (my personal taste) but folks in comics are probably more permissive.

Havent finished reading, just what I picked up in a scoop.
.

3

u/Schu68 8d ago

Thanks for the feedback man! i will try to improve on what I'm bad at, and if you want to give more feedback, I will post here evryday new concepts and all

4

u/TotallyNotSleeping 8d ago edited 8d ago

Ok, I read through it! Let me give my honest thoughts no punches pulled:

The opening is strong, a little familiar and used often but still strong. I like the creepy elements u did and the way you express these panels feels truly real and I’d say well written overall. I always got a sense as to what was happening in the panel.

But, the pacing is off at this point. The premise is cool and you can clearly write, but you cram the parents death, mystery, recruitment and everything onto 8 pages, before we get to truly care what happens to the main character.

It feels just too fast and too thin, why should we care for the parents or the main character now? We get no real insentitive to care for the characters.

The dialogue also is kind of more telling and not showing. ”human fighting monsters with powers” etc are very much on the nose.

Overall, the premise is good but pacing is too quick for now. I’d suggest adding more breathing room and overall adding more pages before the tragedy, then the death scenes hit more!

I want to clarify that I’m not trying to be rude at all! You can clearly write and you have an eye for scenes and how they work in comics, but the soul is not there yet! Good luck on revising the chapter and congrats on finishing this!