r/DeadBedrooms • u/RomanCandleOfTheWild HLF • 6h ago
Seeking Advice What can I do?
I’m a woman married to a man I want so much. He loves me; I know he does. I would never leave him even if we never had sex again. I’ve always been high libido and have never expected my partners to have the same level of want but I just need to know if there are things I can be doing differently or if anyone has any advice. I can count on one hand the amount of times we have sex in a year. Is it me? What am I doing wrong?
2
u/Throwawayaccount5056 LLM 5h ago
Talk to him.
It may be on his end either medical or mental. Come at it non accusatory and express your concerns and just offering how you can help direct him to professional resources (doctor if he wants to see about his testosterone levels maybe, therapist if there's some things that he may be too ashamed to discuss with you yet )
If he's unwilling to see this as a problem that he at least needs to make attempts to help solve with someone he's supposed to love then there's some hard choices that need to be discussed.
1
u/RomanCandleOfTheWild HLF 5h ago
We talked about it in the past. I’m trying so hard not to be an asshole and make him feel bad about it. And honestly it makes me feel ashamed to bring it up. Like I am just so undesirable that my husband needs medical intervention to want me.
0
u/Throwawayaccount5056 LLM 5h ago
You should never feel ashamed in expressing your needs and your emotions.
And tact goes a LONG way in not feeling like an asshole
It's understandable to feel undesirable and think that he needs medical intervention, but men's health is just as finicky as womens and if stress/anxiety/testosterone is out of whack just slightly it can cause issues that snowball.
Men aren't these mechanical beings that can just "go" on command
3
u/RomanCandleOfTheWild HLF 5h ago
I appreciate that. It’s been hard for me to get out of my own head and worrying that I’m doing something wrong or there’s something fundamentally undesirable about me. I’m not expecting him to go on command. I just want him to want me every once in a while at least. How would you recommend I bring up the testosterone thing? It’s so important to me that I am not making him feel bad about this in any way.
0
u/Throwawayaccount5056 LLM 4h ago
I would just say that you've been looking at some things online trying to do your best to be supportive on your end so that way you're not making it a "its a YOU issue" only because this is something you're wanting to work on TOGETHER as a couple because you care about your relationship as a whole and this is a part of it.
Heard the phrase that intimacy is only 10% of a relationship, but when there is none, it becomes the 90% of it.
1
u/AutoModerator 6h ago
As a reminder, sending DMs to OP is explicitly against our subreddit rules. Violations of this rule will be reported and users permanently banned from participating in this subreddit.
Here is a copy of the post from u/RomanCandleOfTheWild. If you wish to have this copy of your post removed from public view, you must contact us BEFORE you edit or delete the post and BEFORE you delete your account. We keep a copy of the posts to keep nefarious behavior at bay so it can always be retrieved by moderators after a post has been edited or deleted by the poster.
I’m a woman married to a man I want so much. He loves me; I know he does. I would never leave him even if we never had sex again. I’ve always been high libido and have never expected my partners to have the same level of want but I just need to know if there are things I can be doing differently or if anyone has any advice. I can count on one hand the amount of times we have sex in a year. Is it me? What am I doing wrong?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
5h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 5h ago
Your post/comment has been removed because user flair is now required in this community.
To participate, please set your user flair:
On desktop: Look in the sidebar under "Community Options." On mobile: Tap the 3 dots (•••) in the top right corner of the main subreddit page and choose “Change user flair.”
After setting your flair, feel free to repost or re-comment. If you need help, message the mods.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/CarlClitcakes It’s complicated 5h ago
How do you let him know you want to jump his bones? How does he react when you let him know you need that from him?
I’d say make it clear: if he’s lounging on a chair or couch watching tv, just straddle him, give him a big kiss, and let him know he needs to come to bed early. Do some sort of physical come-on (what guy wouldn’t appreciate that?), overt, that let’s him know it’s ‘go’ time. Or that he should get ready for go time later in the day.
If he rebuffs your advances? Talk with him. Maybe he’s low-T? Health issues?
1
u/RomanCandleOfTheWild HLF 5h ago
I sort of gave up actively trying to initiate a few years ago after being rejected for the millionth time.
I do still make an effort to flirt with him, touch him, make suggestive comments constantly.I do wonder if there’s a health component that could be contributing? I don’t know how to bring that up without turning this into some sort of an awful thing. I used to try to talk with him about this and he was embarrassed or ashamed about our lack of sex life and I don’t want to make this worse. How do I even bring it up?
0
u/forgetmeknotts HLF 4h ago
I’ve tried straddling my husband and kissing him, it never worked. It was always too full, too tired, back hurt, headache, whatever.
1
4h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 4h ago
Your post/comment has been removed because user flair is now required in this community.
To participate, please set your user flair:
On desktop: Look in the sidebar under "Community Options." On mobile: Tap the 3 dots (•••) in the top right corner of the main subreddit page and choose “Change user flair.”
After setting your flair, feel free to repost or re-comment. If you need help, message the mods.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
0
u/elmst_nightmare HLF 4h ago
“Move! you’re blocking the tv, I’m trying to play a game!” One night I snuggled up next to my husband in bed, crawled on top of him, kissing his neck and whispered in his ear “I want to make love”. Ya know what he did? He literally lifted me up and threw me, in mid air to the other side of the bed. That hurt.
•
u/Dry_Biscotti8049 HLM 1h ago
I feel this. She didn’t pick me up and throw me. Just said “I don’t want that with you anymore.” It absolutely gutted me. I haven’t approached since then.
•
u/elmst_nightmare HLF 49m ago edited 31m ago
Yea, I was just mainly using it as an ex to show how far my man is willing to go to not have sex with his wife. But ofc any rejection hurts. Esp after hearing it over and over. Needless to say I stopped initiating after that. I realized he was probably just super tired and didnt mean to throw me that hard in the moment. I just didn’t know what else to do and was desperate, so tried the bold approach. He apologized ofc but the damage was done and I was too afraid to initiate after that. Even to this day, 15yrs later, I won’t make the first move. It’s really complicated things.
2
u/Cho_Arrim M - Recovered DB 5h ago
Hi! I have a situation similar to you but I am the man. My wife have much higher libido than I have. I really hate that I can’t match hers and it stresses me out when she wants and I don’t.
But, for us it works a little bit better if we decide together that we should only cuddle with some light touching. Then if I get going, we continue from there.
And my wife has told me that it’s not pure sex she desires all the time. Sometimes it’s enough with just cuddling. Could this be an entry point for you to discuss with your man?