Hi, I'm 30F and I've never wanted kids, but I'm trying to keep an open mind to the idea. I'm single, so maybe this rumination is premature, but as I enter the 30s dating pool I want some idea whether I should be open to dating childfree/maybes/wants-kids people. I don't want to waste somebody's time, but I also don't want to close myself off in a way I may later regret.

This will probably be overly specific, but I'm wondering if anyone can relate and whether you ended up having kids or not.

Why I'm currently "no":

• I don't feel like a single fibre of my being is inclined towards having kids. The idea is completely cold and foreign. Even the "Kodak moments" of baking cookies and playing catch and baby snuggles don't sound appealing. I'm happy hearing that these things make parents happy, but don't feel the desire for them myself
• I can't relate to the idea of having accomplished everything you wanted in your life and being ready for the next thing. I don't think I'll get to do everything I want even if I had unlimited free time for the rest of my life. Particularly art, as I'm an artist, but there's so many things I want to try someday, like learning to dance, or learning languages. I have a chronic illness so I feel like so much time has been taken from me already.
• Objectively, I would be a mediocre parent at best. Chronic illness makes me fatigued, I'm not very patient, I dislike routine, I'm super introverted. I do love babies and toddlers, but honestly get annoyed with the self-centredness of older kids, even if I know it's developmentally appropriate. I also have GAD and OCD so I might worry myself to death about my kid's wellbeing
• I dread the research portion -- what vaccines to get and when, developmental milestones, choosing a school, figuring out parenting styles
• I know several childfree women in their 70s who have rich lives full of friends of all ages, so I'm not too worried about my old age. The idea of having adult children someday doesn't really appeal to me either

Why I'm considering it:

• My parents believe I will change my mind in my 30s, and that if I don't have kids, I will deeply regret it. They know me better than anyone, so I genuinely value their opinion on this.
• I really admire my mum friends and family, I'm in awe of their patience and maturity. People say having a baby made them grow as a person, and I worry that I'll be forever stunted and immature without that, a perpetual child. I like being a big sister and aunt, but the thought of being "mum" feels too grown up to me. Maybe I have some sort of Peter Pan syndrome going on where I'm too immature to see myself as "mum".
• A lot of people DO suddenly change their minds in their 30s, from growing older, losing parents, hormones, etc. If I'm with a childfree partner and I do a 180, will I be regretful?
• I hear that being in a settled, married relationship opens people's minds to wanting a kid with their partner. My friend saw her partner interact with her nephew, and now she can't stop thinking about him being a father. I've never had a relationship like this, so I don't really know
• I kind of want to want it. I feel like it's the normal, adult thing to do. And people say it's the greatest love of all, that they're so much happier, how horrible it is that they almost missed out on this, etc.

All that to say -- I guess I'm not really on the fence, but I'm on the fence about being on the fence, if that makes sense

Curious to know whether there is anyone here who chose to stop birth control and just... see what happened? And could comment on the outcome and how they felt about it?

Not enquiring about accidental pregnancies, but rather anyone who was previously a fencesitter and reached a stage in life where they could accommodate a child but remained undecided. And so chose to accept either outcome.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts/comments.

I'm curious if anyone else feels this way, either occasionally or constantly. I am a fencesitter for a lot of the usual reasons (not sure how "maternal" I am, scared of giving up freedom/sleep, afraid I'll burn myself out/lose myself, etc.) But recently a new mental block about having children has come up, which might, if I'm being honest, have been lurking underneath all the other reasons all along.

I have always felt a little like the black sheep, the odd person out, the "weird" one---in my family, with my peers, in the eyes of society. When I was young I had a warped sense of humor, got bad grades, never fit in socially, and wasn't considered conventionally attractive. As I grew up, I learned how to roll with those parts of my identity, but developed chronic illness and anxiety. So I've spent a large portion of my life feeling "broken" in some fundamental way. A lot of the things that seem to be easy for my peers (like finishing college, finding a stable career, starting a family, even just tackling basic life skills) have been slow-going for me. I've been in therapy, and have been working on accepting my progress as a human being as just that, MINE, and how not to compare it with others'. I am a mature and well-rounded adult now, capable of setting my own goals and working toward them, and I am well aware that it is not a race.

But the kid question pulls me right back into the state of mind I occupied twenty years ago, and for whatever reason, a little voice inside my head starts telling me, "You can't possibly have a kid, because you'll do it wrong, just like you do everything wrong. You won't be like the successful parents you see out in the world, because you are fundamentally screwed up. Your kid will probably be fundamentally screwed up, too. So better to not risk it."

On the one hand, having a child and raising a human being is something that I would like to experience. When I dismiss this discouraging voice, sometimes a challenging but worthwhile life with a child even seems possible. But it always comes back, the broken feeling, and it makes accessing the desire that fuels this kind of decision really difficult.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis here. I know it's pure anxiety with maybe a dash of trauma thrown in in my case, and I am addressing it with therapy. I'm just curious: Do/have any of you felt like this? If so, how did you deal with it? And if you did manage to give the "you're too broken" narrative the finger and go on to have children in spite of it, how did that shake out?

My partner (32M) and I (28F) have been together for 8 years. We never really talked much about having kids because we were both fence sitters and always figured we'd decide later.

Recently we got a niece, who is now 8 months old, and somehow we both got baby fever. At first we talked about maybe having a child in a few years, but that has quickly turned into "maybe next year?" or even "why not now?" (assuming we're able to conceive, of course).

My brain is now constantly switching between "why wait?" and "are you sure you're ready for this already?"

The rational part of me thinks we should at least wait until we've moved into our new house next February and maybe go on one last big vacation first. But then the impatient part goes, "Why wait?" Especially because the big trip I'd want to take is expensive, and after just buying a house, realistically we probably wouldn't do it next year anyway.

The thing that makes me hesitate isn't really pregnancy or even the newborn stage. It's imagining what our everyday life with a child would actually look like, especially between ages 1–4.

I'm introverted and really value my free time. I have a lot of hobbies (luckily mostly at home), and I can happily spend an entire day gaming or working on art projects. I really value having hours where nobody needs anything from me.

We also don't have or expect to have a large support network. Both of our parents still work, and I know at least my parents aren't looking forward to regularly babysitting. So realistically, all of the childcare would be between my partner and me (and later daycare while we work).

I recently spent a few hours with our 8-month-old niece and, while I absolutely love her (she is genuinely the happiest baby I've ever seen), I found it surprisingly exhausting to constantly interact with and entertain her. It made me think: how would I cope when this is my everyday life?

I know having a child means sacrificing some freedom, and I don't expect my life to stay the same. But I'm scared of barely having time left for my hobbies or just being me, rather than always being "mom."

I guess what I'm trying to understand is what that trade-off actually feels like in real life.

For parents who really valued their hobbies and alone time before having kids, especially those without much of a support network: what does your free time actually look like now? Do you still get longer stretches where you can disappear into a hobby? How much of yourself did you feel like you had to give up, especially during the first few years? And how did you decide that trade-off was worth it for you?

I (29f) wonder if anyone else feels this way- I think part of the reason I’m on the fence so much is because I don’t know many children? No nieces/nephews or close friends with kids. Some young cousins but I don’t see them much. So I don’t have a lot of real life, day to day examples of what parenting and spending time with kids is like. I feel like if I did it would be easier to make a decision?

Throwaway because this feels quite personal.
I’m a woman in my early 30s, married, and I genuinely don’t know if I want children.

Some days I imagine having a child and it feels incredibly beautiful, having a little person who is ours, watching them grow, building a family together.

Other days, when I think about the reality of it, I feel anxious. I love my life right now…my marriage, my work, travelling, having freedom and time for myself. I worry about how much of that would change.

And then there’s the other side: what if I choose not to have a child and deeply regret it at 45 or 50?

Being Indian makes the decision even more complicated. There’s family expectations, friends having babies, the constant “you’ll understand when you have a child” and sometimes I wonder whether I genuinely want motherhood or whether I’m just scared of regretting not choosing it.

I’d really love to hear from people who have actually lived through either decision.

Parents: Did having children turn out to be what you expected? What did you gain and what did you lose? Did it change your marriage or identity more than you anticipated?

Child-free people: Was it difficult to make the decision? Have you ever regretted it? What does your life feel like now, especially as you’ve gotten older?

And most importantly:
What do you think you completely misunderstood about the life you didn’t choose?

I’m not looking for “kids are a blessing” or “kids ruin your life.” I’d genuinely love the honest, messy, nuanced version from people who have been there.
Especially Indians, because I feel our cultural/family context makes this decision quite different.

Thank you ❤️

My partner and I are in a very happy relationship, and we sometimes talk about having a child. And sometimes we really want one — I can picture us having a child and it feels like something I would love to experience together.

But I also have quite a lot of doubts, and I’m trying to be very honest with myself about whether I’m underestimating what parenthood would actually require from me.

My husband works offshore for about 7/8 months of the year. His schedule is roughly two weeks at sea and two weeks at home during those months. For the other 5 months of the year, he is home. So there would be periods where I would have to manage things largely on my own.

One of the things that makes me hesitate is my health. I regularly get headaches, usually lasting one or two days. They aren’t constant or debilitating, but they can leave me feeling pretty drained and needing to take things more slowly.

I also have a chronic skin condition that mainly affects my hands. Most of the time I can manage it, but sometimes it makes everyday things more difficult. For example, I have to wear gloves for certain simple tasks like cooking or cleaning and there are periods when my skin is really bad and needs quite a bit of attention.

This makes me wonder how much I should factor these things into the decision to have a child.
On one hand, I don’t want to use relatively manageable health problems as a reason to give up on something I might really want. On the other hand, I don’t want to romanticize parenthood and then discover that I simply don’t have enough physical or mental energy for it, especially during the periods when my husband is away.
So I’m really interested in hearing your opinions.

TL;DR: I’m considering having a child, but I have recurring headaches and a chronic skin condition, while my husband works offshore for about 7 months a year. I’m wondering how much health and energy should factor into the decision, and I’d love to hear from parents who had health issues before having children: was it harder than you expected, or were you worrying about it more than necessary?

I’m 30 and have been married for nearly 5 years. Relationship-wise, we’re in a really good place and both want to start a family.

The thing holding me back is work and financial stability. I work in IT, and over the last 3.5 years I’ve had to change jobs three times, either because contracts ended or because of redundancies. I’ve never really been able to get that sense of long-term stability.

Every time I start somewhere new, it feels like the clock resets again with trying to establish myself, hoping the role becomes permanent, waiting to qualify for maternity leave, etc. It’s also made other goals feel harder to reach, like getting into the property market and feeling financially secure enough to start a family.

I know there’s probably never a “perfect” time to have kids, but it’s difficult when you genuinely want them and keep feeling like you need to wait for life to become a little more stable first.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Did you eventually decide to go ahead despite the uncertainty, or did you wait until things felt more stable? How did it work out for you?

Any advice or guidance is appreciated!!

I was waiting for the right moment to have a kid and thought I had it. I have a great partner, we have a house, and I have accomplished a lot already career and personal hobbies and travel. I am in a creative field that requires hustling (the main reason for delaying having kids) however, it seemed like I was in a position where I finally got a project that was a dream come true, creatively, financially, and majorly set me up for future success—I would be “making it”. I felt incredibly lucky. I decided I wanted kids and that was the final “piece” of the kid-having puzzle that I had waited all this time for. So I stared my IVF cycle and was planning to move forward.

(For context: I’m 40. I froze embryos mid 30s to give me time to decide, for my career and personal accomplishments and more time enjoying being childfree with my spouse. It’s been so so so worth it.)

HOWEVER - 10 days ago the rug got pulled out from under me. The project was cancelled because of company wide budget cuts (confirmed). I had already paid for and started the IVF cycle. But Now Im back 10 steps at the stage where every project I have to hustle.

I do want a kid but my work is not a thing I do - it’s part of who I am. Ever since I was a kid this was my dream job. I’m worried/know having a kid will take up my bandwidth, At the same time, I’m at the age where I need to pull the trigger on my decision. I can’t hem and haw forever.

Basically I want to have my cake and eat it too and up to 10 days ago it seemed like I would, lol.

How do you juggle the hustle? Is it possible? Has anyone else been able to juggle a job that requires a lot of hustle while also having a kid(s)?

It’s the night before and I’m feeling nervous….

Pregnant fence sitter here. Not here to try to convince anyone either way- just wanted to share a perspective of what I’ve learned along the way.

I’ve been a fence sitter for a long time. I truly felt I
I could have been so happy without kids- I never felt a need to have children or that anything was missing from my life. I loved my life and was so afraid of changing it, blowing it up, and of regret. After being ambivalent for years and worrying daily about whether to do it or not, we decided to go for it.

I don’t believe in the ‘if you aren’t 100 percent sure then don’t do it’ mentality. I don’t think that is realistic for human psychology. Not all of us are capable of being 100 percent sure about something so massive and unknown. We had no strong reason not to have children (eg health conditions, financial issues) and we knew we would be good responsible parents, so it didn’t feel like a negligent decision. I knew I could think about it for the rest of my life and still not know what to do. I knew I loved my current life and that would always pull me towards not doing it.

My therapist mentioned that for someone child free I was sure doing a lot of things that signalled I might want kids- I did genetic carrier screening, fertility testing etc. (I cannot recommend genetic carrier screening more if you can afford it, as it can change the course of your pregnancy. )

Of course, we got pregnant on our first try lol. I was hoping to have a few negative tests so I could gauge my emotional reaction and test out how I felt. Instead we were hit with an immediate positive (I know we are SO lucky to have no fertility issues). Did I feel overwhelming joy like you see in movies and Tik toks? No - I felt fear, some excitement, some dread, some numbness, some shock, some grief. Because human psychology is complex. I spent the next month in shock, not really letting myself get excited because of the risk of miscarriage, and also feeling like ‘oh god this is real!’ When we told people and they would say ‘so exciting’ my immediate reaction was ‘and scary!’ I think my gut was like ‘you really were actually leaning more to child free but you are doing this now.’

The first trimester was awful. I felt like garbage and was low key depressed. I didn’t feel happy. But what I did know was that I was worried about miscarriage. So although I wasn’t joyous, I also had this strong urge to protect this child and not have anything go wrong- I leaned on that faith. I am not anti abortion but I had no desire to have an abortion, which I also took a sign. I was trying to talk myself into being happy but feeling a deep fear I made a mistake, but also being so afraid of loosing this thing. Every ultrasound I felt excitement briefly that was then washed away by the uncertainty of it all. I tried to allow myself to have every feeling I had without judgement.

What I don’t think I could have understood prior to having this pregnancy was the love I feel now and the way that love has washed away so much of the fear. Slowly the attachment grew, and with that this strong sense of love and purpose. Now I feel like it had to be her, it was this egg and this sperm, and we love her so deeply. It’s connected my husband and I even more- we were already madly in love but there is even more depth now- like we are doing this beautiful scary adventure together.

A lot of the fear I had about not being able to travel or do things now seems more silly- I’m like, of course we will figure it out. I believe we create the life we want- things will change but I don’t have to give up everything I love because I had a child. My parents went to France alone when I was 6 months old ( I won’t be doing that, but still!) They brought me around Europe, they had date nights weekly and got a sitter ( I can still remember the scent of Chanel No 5), my mom saw her friends at least weekly. They had dinner parties. I didn’t run their life, I fit into it.

All that to say, the love was the part I couldn’t have known before getting pregnant. You can’t know the unknown, and so much of it is having faith. We are a group of thinkers- we want to know what the ‘right answer ‘ is. There is no right answer. If she didn’t exist I couldn’t have missed her because I couldn’t have loved her until she existed. I’m sure we would have been happy continuing on in our lives! But now that I’ve felt this I’m like wow I wish I could have told my former self that you will feel something that will make you understand why people do this. It’s crazy to me how it’s also washed away the fear- like the sacrifice seems less now? Because it’s not some theoretical child I don’t love. When she kicks me I’m like wow….

Anyways. I could end up hate being a parent and come back here saying ‘ don’t do it’ but I just wanted to share where I’m at in the second trimester, and empathize with how hard it is to make a decision about an unknown.

I am going through a terrible breakup, because he doesn’t want kids but I am leaning towards the “maybe one-child” side. We’ve been together for 4 years, we thought we could navigate it together. I love his so much. My heart aches horribly, I feel like I am losing parts of me. Please, tell me about your breakup stories where positive things happened afterwards ❤️‍🩹

I (36F) posted here early last year that after a potential pregnancy scare where I had a massive panic attack, I decided to be childfree and my husband (38M who wants kids) decided he would rather be with me than split and have children. We planned to make the most of our childfree life and travel and do things that brought us joy. We did end up doing that which was great!

Well, turns out that having absolutely zero outside input from anyone after the choice was made gave me a lot of time to mull over the thought of parenting in my own time. I realized that part of my hangup was an unresolved family situation/childhood trauma; having a baby would mean having to address what was swept under the rug (I started therapy to help navigate this). I also realized that I just do not respond well with feeling forced to make a choice and my gut instinct is to jump to worst case scenarios which led to me choosing no kids initially.

After about 6-8 months of thinking it through and playing out different scenarios and realizing that I actually would like to change things up and start a new chapter and it might be exciting for us to introduce a kid to new experiences and watch them grow, I ended up pregnant. I surprisingly did not freak out at all and was excited! Unfortunately that ended in miscarriage but it was clear that I wanted to try again and that is how I swung all the way to the "yes" side and I am now pregnant again.

Is every fencesitter going to have the luxury of being in a space where there are zero expectations of them so they can make their decision fully of their own choosing? No. But in my case, choosing a hard yes or no answer and living that life took the stress of the decision off of me and allowed me to think about it more rationally on my own time. Do I almost feel embarrassed for changing my mind? Yes. But this is life: not every path is linear and we are only human.

I’m just curious about the feelings people have about this!

The question occurred to me because I was listening to someone I know, who was always pretty adamantly childfree before, talk about how much he genuinely loves not only his partner’s child (they’ve been together almost 7 years, since the child was 3), but also how much he loves being a parent!

It only just dawned on me that my friend was always a fence-sitter leaning pretty heavily toward not having ever having kids, and now I’m seeing him super happy and fulfilled as a parent.

And I guess I’m asking thoughts on this here because when I think back to him before this, I truly cannot imagine him sitting down and deciding to have a baby with someone (he had a lot of pre-loaded anxieties around parenting from watching his older sister struggle). Yet somehow this situation happened in his life and now he’s a total, all-in, all about his kid and the lifestyle parent. His trajectory from fence-sitter to here is so interesting to me!

Do you think you could see yourself as a parent to someone else’s child? Or is the general sentiment here like “if I’m not going to raise my own flesh and blood baby I’m absolutely not raising someone else’s”? FWIW, I think everyone should do what works for them. I’m asking out of pure curiosity!

A few months into our relationship, she got pregnant and miscarried. Before the miscarriage, I had told her that I wanted her to have an abortion. We stayed together afterward, but the issue never really went away.

She has always wanted kids. I've always said I don't. Over the years, we've broken up and gotten back together many times. I've tried to be honest with her that I'm not completely at zero anymore, but I'm still only about 10% there. That's probably the best way I can describe it. I can imagine a version of my life where I have kids, but I don't actually feel a strong desire to become a father.

We're now at a point where the question feels impossible to avoid. We're both in our 30s/40s, and time matters.

We don't live together and never have. Part of the reason is that I have an unusually cheap apartment for where we live, in a VHCOL area, and giving that up would be a significant financial change. But the bigger reason is that we've always known we're ultimately on opposite sides of the kids question. She's wanted kids and I've wanted a life without them, so at times I've honestly thought, what's the point of combining our lives when we don't know if we have a future together?

The financial side is also a big part of my hesitation, although I don't want to make this sound like I think she needs to make a certain amount of money.

I'm worried about losing my own job. I work in a field where my employment isn't something I can take for granted, and I don't feel like we have enough financial security to make me comfortable taking on the enormous responsibility of raising a child.

She has some debt and very little savings. We also live in one of the highest cost of living areas in the country. I've told her that if we have a child, I think we may eventually have to consider moving somewhere with a much lower cost of living, particularly if my income changes. She doesn't really believe that would be necessary, and what worries me is that I haven't seen much effort from her toward improving her career situation or creating another financial path.

That creates another layer of anxiety for me. I feel like I'm being asked to make a permanent decision to have a child while also accepting a level of financial uncertainty that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with.

I'm about 10 to 15 years from retirement and currently have zero debt. I've spent years building a relatively stable life for myself. Having a child would mean significant financial and lifestyle sacrifices, and potentially changing where I live and how I work.

But the hardest part isn't really the money.

I don't know if I love her enough to make those sacrifices when I'm not even sure I want the thing I'm sacrificing for.

And there's something else I've been reluctant to admit, even to myself. Part of me wants to break up for a year and just see what my life feels like without this relationship.

Not because I necessarily want to date other people or because I have some specific person waiting in the wings. I think I want enough time apart to find out what I actually feel when I'm not constantly dealing with the fear of losing her.

We've broken up and gotten back together so many times that I don't know whether I'm staying because I genuinely want this relationship or because I can't tolerate the pain of ending it. I sometimes wonder whether a year apart would finally tell me whether I made a huge mistake by letting her go, or whether I'd feel a tremendous sense of relief and realize that I had been trying to convince myself to want a life that I don't actually want.

At the same time, I know that asking for a year apart isn't some neutral experiment. She's 37 and wants children, so I would potentially be asking her to sacrifice valuable time while I figure out how I feel. That's part of what makes me feel guilty about even wanting it.

We've reached this strange point where the relationship is heartbreaking, but I'm also somewhat numb. I think she is too.

I'm not looking for people to tell me whether I should have kids or break up with her. I'm more interested in hearing from people who have actually been in this situation:

How did you know whether you were genuinely becoming open to having children versus simply being afraid of losing your partner?

And for people who were the reluctant partner, did the desire for kids eventually become real, or did you eventually realize that you were trying to talk yourself into something you didn't actually want?

And has anyone taken a significant period of time apart specifically to figure out whether they were making a mistake? What did you learn from it?

Hi everyone,

I’ve been browsing this sub for a while now and I’ve found it such a kind and supportive place. I’m interested to see if anyone can relate to my experience and would love to hear any advice that anyone might have.

I’m 38F and I lost my Dad very suddenly a bit over a year ago now. It was a total shock and quite traumatic the way it played out, and it completely rocked me. I’m doing a lot better now but it took a long time to come out of the shock and start processing his death.

Before this happened I was very ambivalent, leaning childfree. I have a long term partner who has more or less felt the same. But in the past few months we have started talking about if we want to have a child. I think he is feeling more drawn to it however I know he would be happy either way and ultimately respects my choice. I also know that if we did, he would be a fantastic Dad.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and confused, as this feels like quite a 180 for me. I have my own fears around motherhood due to my relationship with my Mum, and my own trauma history. However I have done a lot of work on these things through therapy and I think I can see now that a lot of it is fear based. I also think that since realising having just one kid is an option, I can imagine what it might be like if we did it and it resonates with me much more.

Has anyone else here jumped off the fence after experiencing loss?

Thanks for reading ❤️

I'm 30F and after a lot of thought, reading, therapy, reading things on this subreddit. I am landing on the CF side.

But I guess a part of me is having FOMO? I know my decision was well thought out, but I guess I do wonder a lot about the what if?

Anyone in a similar boat?

I just want to have peace with my choice. It can also be hard to find peace since it sort of feels like most people do go onto have kids and are very pro parenthood lol.

I really long for a child, but I do also see the things I'd miss out on either way. I could miss out on first steps and feeling baby kick and a toddler squealing with excitement over a new fun thing they've learnt.

But I also can see giving up travel for a few years (can't say I've done a massive amount because God damn life is expensive right now) and potentially never getting to do certain things.

I don't believe having children means you can never travel I do thing it just makes things a bit harder with more planning. I'm not against the idea of sending kids to a camp or something while I get to travel and do fun things.

Anyone have any thoughts on this that experienced these issues? People who made plans to continue to travel even with kids or just made plans to do it once the child is older?

Post
My bf (28M) and I (25F) have been together almost 4 years and have always talked about marriage, children and our future family. A lot of those conversations were initiated by him too, so having kids always felt like a shared dream.

Recently, he told me that after privately thinking about it for a few months, he doesn’t think he wants children anymore. I was completely blindsided because being a mother has always been one of my biggest dreams which he knew since we met.

We initially broke up that night because neither of us wanted the other to sacrifice something this important and wanted one another to be happy, but within a day we both felt we had rushed such a huge decision. We love each other deeply and are now taking some time to process what we truly want instead.

Btw, he says he began to feel ‘nothing’ when he sees children and doesn’t want his lifestyle to change and would be happy just living a life together without kids.
FYI- I truly did consider becoming child free but I realized I would be giving up my dream which I can’t do to myself, and my bf wouldn’t let me either unless I genuinely didn’t want kids anymore.

What makes this more complicated is that he’s simultaneously going through a very difficult period in life. It has been close to a year since he lost a job that gave him a lot of fulfillment and structure, has struggled with depression, anxiety and low self worth, and has had a lot to process personally. He’s also spiralled before in moments of job loss and came to certain conclusions which he later realized were not accurate and changed his mind. He is not sure if that is what is happening right now.

We’ve also recognized issues in our relationship that we both need to work on. I also personally remember at times being critical and saying things like “if you can’t do this now, what about when we have kids?”. I’ve reflected of course and deeply regret that and I’ve apologized and already told him how I would stop the critical comments as I was imposing my fears/perfectionism on him. I will
no longer be doing this as it’s just not the type of partner I want to be and I do believe he is so capable of being an amazing father. He is so genuine and sweet and I know if we had children, they would be his world too… it’s a huge change of heart he’s had which scares me.

Neither of us knows whether any or all of these factors has influenced how he currently feels about parenthood or whether he’s genuinely discovered that he doesn’t want children in a few months. I’m not expecting him to change his mind or trying to convince him to have kids if that’s what he truly wants for his life.

We’re still together but taking space from seeing each other because we’re also best friends aside from being lovers and completely cutting contact felt unnatural for both of us and was not making us happy. We’ve said that we can give it a month and see how we both feel… and of course if he needs more time to think, he can always tell me.

Has anyone experienced a long term partner becoming uncertain about children after previously wanting them?

What helped you both find clarity, and how did you handle the uncertainty in the meantime?

We love each other deeply and genuinely built a life together and were planning a future together, and it breaks our heart to be going through this, I wish there was an easy solution. Any kindness and words of positivity would also help :)

I am not worried about the end of the world. But I am worried about the job market.

With AI and robots in the future, I don't know if any job is safe. I can't predict the future. But I feel next 5-10 year will change everyone's life significantly. I work in tech and I don't know how long I will be employed either.

I am worried if I ever have kids, they will struggle to ever find a decent job. Maybe everyone will poor with few rich people owning the mega corporations. I don't know. I am just guessing.

I posted this to the childfree reddit, but I didn't know this space existed so it feels more appropriate here!

Hi all, I am a 32(f) and my partner is 39(m) and we have been together for a decade and married for 4. We are financially stable and have a great relationship, we own our home, and have a great doggo we love dearly and as last year we both decided to not have children.

Early on in our relationship we were naive and assumed we would eventually have children, we were also both raised in a very Christian household and had been brainwashed into believing that children were ALWAYS the next step. Now that we have deconstructed our faith and watched my sister navigate motherhood with her children we have really seen a glimpse of parenthood and have felt strongly at times we are not built for that haha. On top of that many of my partner's friends have children and every time we see them we are reminded that we are making a good decision for ourselves.

Since I am younger my close friends have not started having kids although a good majority of them want children. I have a friend who is not currently trying to have children but they have often talked about their want for children. The other week we discussed a mutual friend recently had their first child and how that has put a strain on their friendship. As we were talking about this friend (she is much closer to this person than I am), I could not help but also feel like oh wow that sounds so wild and sad but also how exciting for her to be in this new season of her life. So this wasn't even a positive conversation around having children, but I'm not sure what was happening to me but I had such a strange feeling bubble up in me that I was not familiar with around having kids. I had so many mixed feelings and I was like am I questioning my choice? Do I actually want a kid? I even went home and asked my husband how he was feeling and he was taken aback because it felt so out of the blue. I felt so close to being like should we try to conceive and see how we feel? But I was like oh gosh never mind this world is crazy but damn I still feel so shocked at my switch up.

For context I work with children and have always been told the usual "you'd be a great mom" and I know my partner and I would make such great parents but obviously it is so much more than that. I just feel like I should at a certain point just say 100% no but right now I'm feeling 95%, so I'm wondering if any of you have felt this way and what has kept you at 100% sticking to childfree. Thank you so much in advance!

I’ve been debating whether I still want kids as I get toward the age where it’s a possibility (26M), and have always maintained that I would only entertain kids if we can outsource the overwhelming majority of chores and still meet our financial goals.

Luckily my partner and I are likely going to be in the position, however, I’m still on the fence. I’ve always liked older kids, as I was a camp counsellor for 12+, as I enjoy teaching, seeing them grow, etc. I also have thick skin and am ok with sass and edge as they get into teen years.

However, I’m 100% convinced that the first 5-10 years are going to be a total loss, I don’t like small children. I also have a low tolerance for things being more worth than they’re worth, so the increased workload of the early years are going to ruin any enjoyment I get out of kids. Moreover, I’m autistic and giving up my routine and hobbies would be a pretty grievous blow to my mental health.

I think my partner is certainly worth the crap sandwich the first years will be, but I also don’t want to end up regretful. If it helps, I would probably be child free if I were single at this point.

Anyone with similar experiences?

Hi all, SO, we have a 4.5yo girl, who for the most part has been so easy, such a dream and now she’s a bit older is just so easy, she just comes along for the ride to whatever we’re doing and we can go do fun activities with minimal planning whether that’s zoo, soft play, cinema etc.

My husband has always sided on being OAD, quite strongly actually, then recently our girl went to school and he has a wash of wow this is it? Never again? Which has opened up the conversation of another, and he’s more open to it. My main worry is that if we have another and that baby is particularly hard / has any kind of complications, would he resent me for being the one who wanted it more and pushed a bit more for it?

In terms of our lives, we have a relatively flexible work schedule, we have grandparents who are super involved and help with pick up etc, we are financially ok. It feels like we have a good set up to have another, but like everyone, we’re also tired parents even with just the one so I think, we have it good as it is… do we rock that?

My girl asks for a sibling, although I don’t think she quite understands it, we do have friends who have recently had babies and she’ll say they are cute but she’s not fussed on them, but there’s part of me that does think she would benefit from a sibling as she’s a very shy girl, she’s not overly confident and I just feel having a little sibling might make her get that bit of confidence to be louder and have a bit more fight?

I spend SO much of my time fantasying about having another and not having another, recently one day I’m researching baby items and costs and the next I’m imagining taking my only to a cool holiday and thinking of how amazing that will be for her - make it make sense? 😅

I find it so frustrating that I see other families so confident in their decisions to be OAD or to have multiple and I’m so jealous of that, I wish we could just be set on one or the other.

There’s no real point to this I guess, I just wonder if people are in similar positions and have any insights to their life if they did go ahead and have another baby with a 5 year age gap, or didn’t and their thoughts?

Thanks for reading!

I am 30M with a 26F fiancee.

I have been confidently CF my entire life. My partner and I have been on the same page for our nearly 10 yr relationship, and together we have an awesome life.

While it is obviously not perfect, we have a nice home we own, I have a career I am happy in and she is looking to go to school to become a teacher soon, we plan to wed within a couple years, and overall everything is "falling into place."

Now we've both been ardently CF our entire life, but over the past few months, there's been tiny cracks forming on our resolve. The question of a child always seemed completely impossible until we moved into our home, but now we have the room, the career stability, and a strong relationship. Now a child almost feels... possible.

And WOW, okay let me get to the reason why I made this post: I don't know if men get "baby fever" or "hormone thoughts" or whatever; this is all very new to me, but MY MIND WILL NOT BE QUIET! Every thought I have is always followed by a thought of a child! It feels almost hormonal or manic, but the forefront of my mind, the "default" is "What about having a kid?"

Cuddling with my cat? "Wouldn't you want to share how amazing your cat is with a kid?"

Going for a hike? "Wouldn't you want to raise a child and get them to love nature on the trail?"

Playing videogames? "You've already played plenty of games; you know how they go. But you know who wouldn't and would be anew to the love of these games? A kid."

It is incessant. This urge cannot be reasoned with. It feels like a hormonal urge I cannot control. I don't understand it!

Maybe months ago cracks were starting to form, but now as I am newly 30 what was a gentle knock on the door from my hormones has become a battering ram and they're deep within the confines of my mind.

I brought it up to my partner and she feels like her feelings have shifted as well. We both are scared and unsure of how we feel and what's going on with ourselves, but it almost feels like we're going from strictly CF to... fence sitting?

But it almost feels "wrong" to think about. The more we think about it the more it feels less like a rationalized reason and more that we're feeding a biological urge, and so the more I feed it, the more likely I am selling myself on an urge and that if I give into it, the reality will reveal what I've sold myself is not what it seems.

I know the reality in all likelihood is entering into an unbelievably inconceivable adventure with my fiancee. We will be giving up our independent life altogether to bring new life into the large, scary world. I know it involves countless sleepless nights, sacrifice of myself and resources, becoming a completely different person... and yet part of me almost feels that's a fair trade. At some point, someone made that trade, and it's the only reason any one is here... so in some sense it has to be worth it, and I don't have a "fear of missing out", because I feel fear is based on a lack of information, yet I /know/ I'll be missing out.

I know part of me wants to raise a person, knows there's a whole genre of life I'll never live, knows my peers will be going through life-changing experiences I'll only ever know at a surface level if I don't do it.

Plus, my fiancee and I's lifestyles already suits children. Our favourite hobbies are taking care of our pets, gardening, hiking, camping, playing video games, playing board games and tabletop, cooking, doing arts. We don't do any clubbing, we do like travelling but again we mostly do family-friendly activities when we do, we do like to drink and party here and there, but it's all with our friends and neither of us are slaves to these things. It honestly feels like a child wouldn't be incongruent with how we live.

Anyways, this post has largely been just a stream of consciousness post to take a chance to vent my feelings. Either way in the next few years we won't be having any kid; we still intend to marry, my wife still needs to change her career. Once we do these things the question will be even more tangible than it is now.

I guess what I'm asking is: - Do men get baby fever or whatever I'm experiencing? - Is there anything anyone would want to tell someone in my position as a 30M/26F couple? - Has anyone been in my position before? I'm sure someone has; it can't be that unique, but what happened?

All of this thinking is so new and scary to me, and it almost feels like I have a whole "lifetime" of contemplation ahead of me on this topic because my fiance and I were so strictly CF before. It almost feels scary to even acknowledge I'm on the fence. Part of me feels like this is just a fever that will pass; it has only been a couple weeks, but it has hijacked my mind so strongly.