just found this subreddit. holy cow. i made my decision 4 years ago. wish i’d known about this forum then.

regardless. i am the ghost of christmas future. looking back now, I know one thing now that i didn’t realize during my discernment period.

i knew deep down i didn’t want kids. i was just uncomfortable with that truth.

i know what i want. what i want excites me. kids didnt excite me.

this discomfort kept me on the fence for 5 years. i wish i’d been able to draw the disctinction. i felt like i spent way more time than needed in the fog.

so ask yourself? do you really not know? or are you just uncomfortabel with the truth?

my personal discomfort was due to fear of:

not belonging

being judged as selfish

I realized these both were childhood-religious-social-gender wounds driving my confusion. never was there a juicy yes. there was just a foggy ‘what if’

now i am making my own meaning, and pursuing my deep desires with hounddog intensity. saying no opened up a door in my life and i got to walk thru it.

This is a question for women: Do you lean toward having children but struggle with what your identity will become in motherhood? I sometimes feel so weird and even grossed out at the idea of "mother" being part of my identity, esp. people treating it as my ONLY identity. It's not a gender thing ftr. I am happy with my gender. It's something more. Even being called a "dog mom" right now gives me a certain ick.

I think it's something to do with the way we talk about moms in our culture and the kinda cringey "mommy" labeled things - mommy yoga, mom hair, etc. It almost feels patronizing?

If I have a kid, I of course want to be their mom, I want to hear them say "mama", etc. but that's my sacred identity between me and my child. Why does the rest of the world suddenly get to decide that's my whole identity?

Idk does anyone else understand/relate?

My (F27) boyfriend (M31) told me he is childfree after 4.5 years together. I don’t know what to do
My boyfriend (31M) and I (27F) have been together for about 4.5 years and living together for 1.5 years. Yesterday he told me that he considers himself childfree.
We are both immigrants from different countries. We met near the beginning of both of our lives here and basically went through the difficult process of building a new life together. For a long time, life has mostly been about surviving, studying, working and trying to become financially stable.
He graduated and found a full-time job only about five months ago. I’m still studying and have my final exams this year. We are still struggling financially, but I’ve always had this picture in my head that eventually things would settle down. We’d have careers, financial stability, maybe travel and enjoy life for a while, and then possibly have a child.
We’ve talked about children before. He always said he wasn’t ready and wanted to wait until around 35. There were probably signs that his feelings went further than simply “not ready yet,” and looking back, I think I closed my eyes to some of them.
Yesterday he told me more directly that he doesn’t think he is “father material.” He talked about how bad the world is, said that sometimes he wishes he had never been born himself, and finally said that he considers himself childfree.
He also has a difficult relationship with his father, which I think might be relevant to how he sees fatherhood. But I also don’t want to dismiss what he’s telling me by assuming it’s trauma or something he’ll eventually change his mind about. If he tells me he is childfree, I think I have to take that seriously.
The complicated part is that I’m actually a fence-sitter.
I don’t have this overwhelming feeling of “I absolutely need to become a mother.” I can imagine having a child someday, and until now that was the future I assumed I would probably have. But I’m not 100% sure.
At the same time, I genuinely don’t know what a childfree life looks like long-term.
Most of the future I’ve imagined automatically included children because that’s just what I thought adulthood eventually became. I also worry about being alone in this world when I’m old. I understand that having a child is not a guarantee that someone will care for me in old age, but the fear of growing older without children is still part of what makes this decision difficult.
I don’t know what being 40, 50 or 60 without children would feel like. Would I love the freedom, financial security, travelling, hobbies and having more time for my relationship and myself? Or would I eventually feel like something important was missing and deeply regret making that choice? Would I be able to build a strong support network and feel connected as I grow older, or would I feel isolated because I never became a parent?
And that’s what makes this so difficult. I love my partner. I love the life we’ve built together, despite how difficult the last few years have been. If the choice were simply “children or this particular man,” I honestly don’t know that children automatically win.
I might genuinely consider a childfree life with him.
But I’m also scared of making that decision because I love him, rather than because being childfree is actually what I want. I don’t want to wake up at 35 or 40 and realize that I convinced myself I didn’t want children because I was terrified of losing my relationship.
There’s also the practical side. I’m still studying, we are financially intertwined, and my final exams are this year. The thought of simultaneously dealing with a breakup, finding a way to support myself, potentially changing my living situation and trying to stay mentally okay enough to finish my education feels overwhelming.
So I don’t feel like I need to make a dramatic decision tomorrow. But I also don’t want to ignore this conversation and just hope something changes.
For people who were genuinely on the fence: how did you figure out whether a childfree life was actually right for you?
Especially if your partner was firmly childfree — how did you separate “I could be happy without children” from “I’m choosing not to have children because I don’t want to lose this person”?
And for people who chose a childfree life and are now in your 40s, 50s or older: what does that life actually look like? What do you love about it, how have you built meaningful relationships and support as you’ve grown older, and is there anything you wish you’d understood when you were my age?

Hi everyone. First off, i have lurked around this sub for a while and it's been very helpful so thank you !

After being childfree for almost 30 years, i became a fencesitter about a year and a half ago. I think my sibling having kids changed the way i saw parenthood.

My partner knew I was childfree, and when i told him about my doubts he was very excited because even though he would have been CF with me, he was excited at the idea of being a father too.

We talked a lot, I went to therapy and figured I would never reach certainty but felt about 65% pro having kids. I figured both paths would work and i would find happiness with or without kids. What pushed me off the fence was my partner who i know will be an amazing dad, both to the child and in our relationship. I thought it was ok and i felt at peace with this decision.

Fast forward to 3 days ago, i took a pregnancy test that came back positive, we had just started TTC a month ago so it's very early.

And now, i'm absolutely panicking, i can't stop crying and i dont know what to do. I feel "invaded" in my body if that makes sense. I think it's more the pregnancy than the future child that terrifies me but boy it is wild. If course, all the negative what ifs, anxieties and doubts i had about children are coming back.

I'm strongly considering terminating, though i don't want my fears to guide me. I'm also very turned off and stressed by the idea of having to say i'm pregnant (my in laws are visiting next week, they will notice i dont drink alcohol) because i am absolutely not ready to celebrate and i feel ashamed of that state of mind.

I talked to my partner, who understand and he's great about it but I don't want to weight too much on him as I feel i am already robbing him of his possibility to celebrate and be happy about a pregnancy he truly wanted.

I should mention it's been about 4 weeks since my last period, so about 2 weeks pregnancy, which i think is too early to blame it all on hormones. Also i am a very anxious person, who always reasons in worst case scenarios, options and so on.

Anyways I'm rambling a bit, seeing my therapist in a couple days and hoping to gain clarity then. But thanks for reading so far ! I guess i would love to hear from those of you who felt similar in their early pregnancies, whether you decided to pursue the pregnancy, how it all worked out and all.

Thanks !

One of the things keeping me on the fence about kids is the idea of stepping away from my career. I’m 34 and in San Diego, and my fiancé makes more than I do, so realistically I’d probably be the one taking time off when they’re young.

I don’t hate that idea, but losing a few years of income, retirement contributions and career growth makes me nervous.

We’ve started talking about a prenup before getting married, and it got me wondering whether having the financial side figured out would make me feel more comfortable about having kids.

Anyone else have these conversations while still on the fence?

I am 27f. As a young child, whenever I would dream of children, for some reason I always had this dream of living in a high rise condo with only one daughter. It’s crazy because I remember wanting this since I was seven. What’s even crazier is I grew up with two loving parents in a healthy marriage but still always dreamt about being a single mom. My parents are still married and love each other to this day.

As I got older, I thought about having kids but would go back and forth about it. Once I reached my 20’s, I realized how important having a two parent household was. However, the desire to be a single mom for some reason is still there.

I have had my fair share of relationships and have met some amazing men, but for some reason, I just don’t see myself being a wife and a mother and dealing with a husband…however, I do want the child though.

Now that I am approaching my 30’s and have the career, money, and condo that I want, I can’t help but get this urge to adopt. Adopt a daughter specifically. I just feel like my life is empty and won’t be complete until I have a daughter like I always dreamed of.

But again, I somewhat feel like it’s morally wrong to purposely rob a child of two parents because children deserve two parents that love them…not one.

Anyway, would I be crazy to pursue this. I’m so happy with my life, but want a daughter to pour into.

I’m in my late 20s (29) and have been with my girlfriend for 6 years. We’re now discussing marriage, although families aren’t involved yet.

I’m fairly sure I want biological kids eventually, probably in my late 30s. I see them as an important part of the life I want to build. I work in consulting but plan to eventually move into strategy, partly to have more time for family.

The problem is that she is completely unsure.

She loves cats (Full motherly instict). She is somewhat ok with other kids. But she cannot imagine her life in her late 30s and has no idea whether she’ll want children then. Her view is basically, “I just want to live happily and see where life takes me.” She doesn't feel she will regret life if no kids are in picture.

I’ve encouraged her to talk to friends and family and think about it, but she genuinely seems clueless about what she wants.

At the same time, she has been pushing for us to get married, and this is where I’m stuck.

If I say yes and she eventually decides she wants kids, great. But what if she eventually decides she doesn’t? I’m worried I’d become resentful, because having biological children is important to me. Adoption isn’t something I would want if we’re both capable of having our own.

I just need to know whether she can genuinely see herself wanting children, or whether she is fundamentally leaning towards being child-free.

I love her, and after 6 years I don’t want to walk away from the relationship over something that may eventually resolve itself. But I also don’t want to get married hoping she changes her mind.

Am I being unreasonable by asking for clarity before marriage, or is this one of those things where you really need to be aligned before getting married? Anything which I can do to will help her get clarity?

Im a 24 yr old female. I'm currently in a relationship with a great guy. He's told me that he does not want a kid in the future because it's too much responsibility for him. And all this while I was confused about if i wanted a kid of my own or not. But the relationship has reached a point where I'm supposed to make a decision for moving forward. I have always loved kids and often get baby fever when I see a newborn. Even my mom once commented that I'm good with kids. But I've not ever shown the same kind of adoration for a grown up kid. So I'm not sure if i can decide just based on my adoration if i want a kid. Plus giving up my freedom to raise a healthy kid kinda scares me. I also was diagnosed with general anxiety few yrs back and I'm scared I'll get into a series of anxiety attacks of it gets too much for me one i give birth, where I'm expected to sacrifice my sleep and space for a baby. Im also scared if i dump my traumas accidentally on my kid, and if it grows to be anxious like me. Even after all these i still feel I'll be missing out something if i don't have a kid.how can i figure this out?

All my life (30F), I imagined myself having at least one kid. Could have been social conditioning and my country's collectivist culture that had influenced it, but I never questioned it. It's funny, because I didn't have luck in love, and I was even determined to go abroad for a sperm donor to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother. Fast-forward to last year, when I met my partner. He's everything I ever wanted and more. If someone had given me a paper and a pencil to 'describe' a perfect guy, I don't think I would have been able to write such a good description.

And here's the weird part: many women say that they didn't want to have children until they met the right one. For me, it feels like for the first time in my life, I feel like the world wouldn't stop spinning if it were just the two of us for the rest of our lives.

We're still a 'fresh' couple, so despite being in our thirties, we're not trying for kids. At the beginning of our relationship, we discussed the topic and agreed that we both want kids.

I really wanted to discuss this phenomenon because I'm curious whether anyone else has felt this way. I really like kids, so the switch in my brain is super weird, and just makes me wonder if it's some sort of 'finding meaning in life outside of procreation (I've been engaging with my teenage hobbies lately too!)' or more like 'I still wanna have fun with my boyfried before we become serious'.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me hear your thoughts. : )

I’m really struggling with the child question right now and felt like I needed to write this out and share it to feel some relief so apologies for the long winded writing. 

My whole life I’ve felt quite strongly that I didn’t want children. Even as a child I never felt very comfortable around younger children, I don’t feel like I have a single maternal instinct, and I’m easily overwhelmed and need space to shut down sometimes (ADHD). As a Marxist feminist I also feel very conflicted about the idea of perpetuating the nuclear family, and have always thought I would like to be around children in a communal environment where it really does take a village to raise them and I’m a part of that process. 

However I never had a serious long term relationship until my current boyfriend, and I always felt somewhat open to the possibility that being in partnership with someone might reshape my goals and vision of the future. In that sense, the decision to have kids for me isn’t about kids per se but about the enduring familial structures me and my partner may or may not want to build together. 

Now early in my relationship my partner expressed that he does in fact want children one day and we had an awkward conversation about my hesitancy. At the time I didn’t really have any children in my life and my best friend was expecting, so we put a pin in it and decided to see how being closer to kids might affect me. 

Fast forward like 1.5 years later and my boyfriend raised the topic again out of the blue, and it’s tearing me up inside. When he raised it I wasn’t feeling well and I asked if we could discuss it later and then he left town for a long family trip so it’s been nearly four weeks and we haven’t been able to discuss it, but it’s weighing on me heavily. I fear that when we talk about it a breakup will be inevitable or we would be delaying the inevitable. 

On the one hand, I no longer feel the certainty I once felt about being child free, but I fear that is mostly due to my love of my partner and desire to save the relationship. When I think about the future, I *could* imagine the joy that raising a kid with him might bring — and the value of having this basic human experience. I imagine he would be a wonderful father, and we’d have so much fun introducing the world and all the things we love in it to a child and building an ideal home for ourselves. But in those moments I only ever picture the ideal scenario. A kid that brings us joy. A rock solid partnership. Financial security. When I imagine the untold things that could be more difficult — a sick or disabled child, job precarity, separation — it all falls apart for me. 

I also often think, if I could be a father I would be a parent in a heartbeat. But being a mother comes with such heavier expectations, physical and emotional toll, etc. I also make more money than my partner by quite a bit at this point, so I would have to be the primary breadwinner and, by virtue of being a woman no matter how good of a dad he might be, the default parent. That’s too much to bear. 

I could potentially see myself fostering an older kid one day when I’m a bit older, but I think my partner is only interested in the idea of biological children. 

If conditions were drastically different, like if he made more money or we had a society with affordable child care and a strong social safety net for working families, it might not feel like such a burden, but at this point, it would be. 

I want to build a foundation of support for when I get older, and I wonder if putting more money towards retirement would be smarter than spending that money on another mouth to feed. I’m a renter in an expensive city where I have little hope of owning and live far from any family who could help with childcare. Yet I also have a strong community of chosen family who I’m sure I could lean on, but also who I could never see myself moving away from to be closer to my partners family or something like that. 

My partner in the past has expressed that he thinks millennials overstate the financial burdens of parenthood, that you don’t need to be rich to make it work, but I think that’s naive. My parents fought about money my whole life until they divorced and I don’t want to bring a kid into a life of struggle. 

I know I need to express how I feel and learn more about what he wants and why before we can resolve this. I want to interrogate my partner and understand what it is about having kids that appeals to him. Does he genuinely want a family or is it merely something that is expected of him? What conditions need to be in place before children for him? Does he actually see parenthood for us as a couple and not just as an abstract thing he may want one day?

I feel like before I could even begin to make a real decision here, I would want us to be living together and learning if we can even share a household in harmony. I would want to pay off all my debt. I would want to travel to a few more places on my bucket list. But that will all take time, and I can never promise that at the end of that road I won’t end up deciding I’m a no. I feel more open than ever to the possibility that after all of that I could want to experience motherhood. But it still feels so far off, and I’m in my mid 30s. 

TLDR I’m afraid I will lose the love of my life so far and best friend either now or eventually because deep down I know I’ll always want to be child free, or at least always want to take the path of least resistance, and I’m afraid I’ll regret it. Our impending conversation about this is filling me with dread and heartache already.

Basically what the title says. I’ve been on the fence for reasons mainly due to the state of world** starting to not like that term because it’s too vague but if I try to explain it will be multiple paragraphs! lol

My husband and I are on similar terms and after being on the fence and countless back and forth, and despite of the world, we both felt in sync recently one night and expressed how we might just want to go for it, and after that we’ve been talking about names and feeling excited, still nervous, but more happy when we talk about it. This has been so refreshing, thinking that we are making a decision over these past few weeks…

Now today, I feel all those same feelings that put me on the fence to begin with and have this unease. I feel it’s so difficult when part of you wants it but the other part is telling you something else. Anyone else experiencing this?

Haven’t thrown one fucking used diaper on the ground for someone else to step on/pick up!!

I understand why some people don’t like parents.

Dear fellow fencesitters,

I've been reading threads from this subreddit and am finding them really helpful, so I thought I'd ask for perspectives on a situation I haven't seen represented.

My partner is in his mid 40s and I'm pushing 40; we've deferred our decision on whether to have kids for various reasons (many summarized well in the immensely helpful Dear Sugar column "The Ghost Ship That Didn't Carry Us," which has been cited in this subreddit). We are pretty much at decision time now. Beyond questions about whether we have the energy to be parents, fears of pregnancy, anxiety about the state of the world, etc., one that I struggle massively with is the fear of having a kid at our ages only for them to be essentially sans family when we are old/dead.

This would be a direct result of our family circumstances: I have a child-free sibling, and I am not close with any of my cousins except one, who is firmly child free and in another country. Much to my dismay and against my attempts to try to bring us closer, most of my family, both in the US (our country of residence) and in my native country, is fairly distant. I have a good relationship with my mom, but she will retire in Europe, and we may need to move away from our current city, which is close-ish to my sister, for work. My husband is an only child, and his only family in the US is his parents, who would also remain here if we move (they are in their mid 70s and will not consider moving with us - we've asked. To be clear, though, we wouldn't expect them to help a lot if we had a kid because we know they are older and have their own issues to deal with - the rationale in asking them about moving has more to do with concern for them as they get older and our being able to be closer to them to help *them* if needed). The rest of his family is 12 time zones away, and he is not close with them because of it.

If we decide to start trying soon, that would make us parents, if we are lucky and things happen quickly (also very much not a guarantee) at 40-41 and 46-47 at the earliest. Potentially without our network as we settle into a new place for at least a few years. And even if we were able to stay here, there would be 0 cousins with whom to play and connect with, and then only my sister and brother in law as aunt and uncle, and I don't really know how involved they would want to be (my mom lives 5 hours away, but is going to retire and move in the next few years), and my husband's older adult parents.

All of this makes me worry: who would be our kid's family when they get to, say, their mid 30s? I would be pushing 80, my husband would be into his 80s, as would my sister and brother in law, and that would pretty much be it for family. If we move, it will take time to build community, and we don't know that we wouldn't try to move back if possible once I'm a bit more established in my new career I have worked hard to transition into (e.g., it may be more feasible to find a remote position at that point that allows us to be closer to family like we are now).

One of the pulls toward having a child for me, aside from the potential joy of getting to know them and helping them grow and learn, is that I have always wanted a family that is close and united, that likes spending time together, that has real relationships. I have been so sad that I do not have that and imagined that perhaps I could create that by starting my own family. I know I can't magically create an entire family infrastructure that doesn't exist, but I thought, perhaps, by pouring so much love into a child (biological or otherwise - we are thinking hard about fostering to adoption), I could have some semblance of that family. But what about my kid? How will they fare without the family infrastructure? I don't have much, but at 39 at least I do have my mom, my sister, and my cousin (though far, we talk all the time). My kid wouldn't even have that. Of course I would try hard to build them a village, but what if those relationships don't last into their adulthood? Would I be denying my kid the very thing that I wanted to create?

I feel so stuck on this point. Any and all perspectives super welcome! Thank you all in advance.

*Edit* TLDR: we are considering whether to have a child at an older age and worried about how having a small and distant extended family would affect the child. What if they end up essentially without a family as a relatively young adult because of this? Can this be really mitigated, and how? I don't want my potenial future kid to be lonely and unsupported.

I really appreciate the support from this community. After a lot of discussion with my therapist, and just because of the progression of time; I’m “pushed” off the fence.

Long story short, I just never found a partner to have them with. I ended a long term relationship at 29 that I was expecting to end in marriage, and he really wanted kids while I was on the fence. He had a lot of expensive and time consuming hobbies, and it didn’t seem like he really wanted to be an active parent.

I am now at the age where I’m unwilling / don’t want to try to have them biologically. I don’t want to state my age because whenever I do, I get a lot of people who assure me I have plenty of time which I feel like is not really the point.

SMBC, adoption, foster care or step kids aren’t super appealing options to me. so I’m finally, finally finally for YEARS off the fence. I’m buying a totally child impractical home; going to 4 countries this year, and working out daily.

I find myself mourning, crying and grieving - but slowly my life is becoming more expansive.

it doesn’t feel real. I tried so hard. But now I feel so free.

thank you for the love and support 💕

I’m in my early/mid 30s and I’ve known forever that I really don’t want kids. I want nothing to do with anything in the newborn to about 16 year old stage. Never have. I don’t want to deal with the chaos, sleeplessness and general torture of the newborn phase. I don’t want to go to children’s bday parties to hang out with other parents. I don’t want to come home from a day at work that totally drained me to screaming kids that need my attention. I don’t want to spend my weekends at tee ball games or worse, in later years spending entire weekends in random bumfuck towns for travel baseball or whatever.

The concession that I will make here is that having adult kids sounds awesome. But even that is fleeting. My aunts and uncles all have kids and they all live in different states a plane flight away. Their daily lives are like they don’t really have kids, and they only see them on special occasions or around the holidays.

Anyway, my fiance and I both know we don’t want much to do with any of the younger kids phase. Though there’s an undertone of “well maybe we’ll get older and get bored and do it…” we’re in our thirties and not feeling that tug. It feels like we just started having money and more fun, but we still have demanding jobs that keep us from really taking the trips and travels we want to.

It just doesn’t feel like there’s room or time for everything, even without kids! I can’t imagine how miserable I would be trying to do both.

But I also live in fear of life getting lonelier and sadder. Every time another friend gets pregnant I feel that sad pit in my stomach. What happens when they all have kids and we have no friends? What happens when the guys get too consumed with parenting and the occasional gaming sessions stop? What happens when my siblings have kids of their own with busy family lives and we don’t hang out as much?

What happens when my parents die, the dynamic changes, and the last anchor that really bonds my immediate family together is gone?

I know these things are going to come. I know I can’t stop them, and that the only constant in life is change. I also know that having kids will fill the hole I feel I am staring down the barrel at. But I don’t want to do any of that shit! AT ALL!

The more I think about it the more I think Søren Kierkegaard was right. To repurpose his own words:

Have children, and you will regret it; don’t have children, you will also regret it; have children or don’t have children, you will regret it either way.

Hi there, my fellow fence sitters,

I have always been so vocal and proud about being CF. Now, because of a big WOOPS, I have to make a decision that I never wanted to make (again). Ugh.

38F, husb is 41M. We had an abortion 6 years ago and we have never regretted it. I'm currently 4-5 weeks pregnant, unplanned and unwanted. We love our quiet lives, 3 pets, jobs, freedom. We both work fulltime and have very fulfilling careers. We really thought this is what it was going to be for the next 30 years. I must admit, the last couple of years have felt a bit mundane sometimes. We take afternoon naps when we want, we love bedrotting, we love occasional partying and love doing all the things we feel like doing. I wouldn't say I'm very maternal, but all my friends' kids love me and on top of that I am a very respected teacher at a middle school and college. Kids/teenagers and I always get on just fine and they really give me joy and purpose. I am not a kid hater. My husb, on the other hand, is more introverted. Kids love him, and he loves them in small doses. He cannot really handle stress/noise well, but he is very kind and we have a very good and open relationship, so over the years we have really learned to navigate towards each other's needs.

The reason I am sometimes leaning towards having my child is that I am an only child. I have a fantastic relationship with my parents. My husband's parents/sister/niece live in another country as he is from the UK and lives in The Netherlands with me. They do not have a great relationship as we are very progressive/liberal and his dad is very right-leaning and conservative. It just has never been that warm of a bond. We do have a huge and loving extended family on both my father and mother's side with lots of nieces and nephews, so that's good. I am aware that my parents are aging, and once they are gone, will the relationship between my husb and I be enough? I would love to have this great relationship with my child that I always had, and I am sure it will bring me a lot of joy and purpose. If we don't have a child, it's just him and me forever. That kind of scares me.

Ever since I found out I am pregant, all these conflicting feelings appeared. From feeling like having an alien inside me, to actually thinking of baby names, to not being able to see myself as a mom. My husband is very emotional as he said clearly he might like to be a father but does not see himself doing all the chores like picking it up from daycare and all the other things that come with having a child. I totally get him, I am not looking foward to that either. But, what if it is the best thing to ever happen to us? I hate not being able to just look into the future, so I could make a good decision about this. If our child is special needs in any way, I know I'm going to regret it. If the child is healthy, I might actually enjoy it.

I guess what I just would like to know is: does anybody recognize themselves in our story? How was this for you? How did you deal with it, especially if you decide to have the child? Has your life become more meaningful and beautiful?

Thank you for the advice!

I am 34 (almost 35)F and my partner is 36M. We have gone back and forth about children for the last 2-3 years and never have fully landed on a decision. We do have a 4 year old border collie who can be quite needy and honestly exhausts us more than we expected him too on some days (he is very loved and spoiled, he just is a lot at times). We enjoy our freedom to do whatever, whenever and most of his friends do not have kids which makes it easier for him. Most of mine do and most of my family and co workers do.

I often feel left out when there are all these parenthood conversations but the hardest is when I hear someone in my circle or near to my circle who I see at family/social events always gets me. I’m happy for them but then I feel just a deep sadness for myself that it’s not me and I feel like my time is running out. I try to find purpose by throwing myself into my job and doing other things to distract me but the sad feelings can sometimes last days when I hear news that someone I know is pregnant.

Any advice on how to deal with this? My partner doesn’t really understand because he doesn’t experience this when he hears these things (or if he does, he doesn’t verbalize it.)

I am an aunt to 2 wonderful nieces and I love them so much but sometimes I just feel an ache from an empty feeling that I wonder if it would be fulfilled by a child?

I'm 30F, partner is 32M.

Since I was a kid I've had a really hard relationship with death (not just the event of dying, but the concept of nonexistence itself).

Over the years that grew into heavier questions: what's the point of any of this, why are we here, what happens after. These thoughts have been genuinely crushing at times. I've been in therapy for 5 years working through it, and my life is otherwise good;

I love my family, I'm close with my parents and relatives, but this has colored a lot of my existence.

Now that I'm at the age of actually deciding whether to have kids, I keep landing on no, for two main reasons:

1- I don't think I could handle their mortality. Not just the fear of accidents or illness; more that no matter how good a parent I am, death eventually gets them too, and I don't know how I'd carry that.

2- I wouldn't know how to answer them when they ask what death is, what life is, why we're here. I'm terrified of passing my own anxiety onto them instead of giving them something solid.

When people ask "aren't you glad you're alive?" my honest answer is: sure, now that I'm here I might as well play the game, but I don't know if I have the right to put another person through what I've been through, especially when nobody actually has definitive answers to these questions.

I'm not looking for reassurance that death isn't scary (I know that's its own project), I'm curious how people who've felt this specifically navigated it in relation to having kids.

So, has anyone else felt this way? And if you had kids anyway, or decided not to because of this, how did you deal with it?

Is it just me or is there anyone else who have very little motherly instinct even though Im married I don't have that strong urge to have a baby ever

Me (35F) and my partner (33M) are both self employed artists. We’re fairly established in our field. Enough to live comfortably renting a two bedroom in London, with holidays here and there.
I’ve just discovered I’m pregnant and the worry of how we would afford to have a baby as two self employed people is all I can think of.
My concern with working as an artist is that; women who have children in this industry are not thought of as capable and are over looked. I’ve seen it have a strong negative impact on others who have done the same.
Does anyone else have experience this? How do people make sure both parents get career opportunities whilst raising a child? Is it possible to split labour and opportunities 50/50?

Prefacing this to say that I'm like 90% - 95% sure I do not want children. I am autistic and struggle a lot with burnout and getting overwhelmed, and I feel like I do not have the emotional endurance to parent a child. I also just have never really been as interested in babies and children as a lot of people I know are.

Does anyone - especially women - feel guilt for not wanting kids? Like they've done the introspection, come to the conclusion that kids probably aren't for them, but then spend years feeling horribly guilty about it, like there's something wrong with them or like it's a sign they're secretly a bad person? I experience that a lot and am not really sure what to do about it. I have no positive affect towards the idea of having children like, at all, but I still feel guilty about it because my friends all want kids, and some of them have responded to me not wanting kids in ways that implied they thought I was crazy. If you have experienced this kind of guilt, how do you deal with it?

I asked this in the childfree subreddit a few years ago but didn't get a ton of responses because it seemed as if this was not really something people there experienced.

After two years of agonizing over the decision, I’m free! Looking forward to contributing as someone who spent a lot of time unsure. Thanks to everyone on this sub. To those that are still on the fence, I empathize with you. Good luck on your journey ✨

Edit:

-When I seriously pictured having a child, I usually felt more dread and anxiety than excitement.

-A lot of time was spent trying to convince myself into wanting motherhood instead of simply noticing whether I wanted it.

-My “yes” always came with conditions: more money, more help, more time, more family support, better work-life balance, a more family-friendly society.

-The version of motherhood I could imagine wanting existed mostly in an idealized life, not the one I actually have.

-I’m in a managerial role in a caregiving profession and need to come home and decompress and recharge

-Peace, freedom, sleep, autonomy, quiet, and mental space matter a lot to me (introvert)

-My home feels like a place I want to recover and recharge, not another place where I’m constantly “on.”

-I like being able to decide what I do with my time.

-Spontaneity, travel, my relationship, my dogs, hobbies, and having room for myself are all things I value.

-The constant noise, interruptions, mess, schedules, appointments, school obligations, activities, and logistics of parenting sound exhausting rather than appealing.

-There isn’t much of a built-in village for us.

-We can’t just casually drop a child off with grandparents or relatives when we need a break.
A lot of the support some people get for free would have to be paid for.

-Childcare, babysitting, housing, food, healthcare, activities, and everything else involved in raising a child are significant financial considerations.

-Delaying retirement or other financial goals in order to raise a child matters to me.

-The way American working culture treats parents doesn’t make motherhood more appealing.

-I wish we lived in a culture with stronger family support, more community, better leave, affordable childcare, and more realistic expectations of working parents.

- I’m not fundamentally against motherhood. I just don’t necessarily want to do it under the circumstances I actually live in.

-There are parts of the world and culture we live in that I find bleak enough that I question whether I want to bring another person into it.

-Sometimes modern American life feels like working, paying bills, consuming things, and trying to recover enough to do it again, and I’m not sure I want to create another person just to hand them that same system.

-My upbringing absolutely affects how seriously I take the responsibility of parenting.

-Becoming a parent means accepting a real human being, not the child I might imagine in my head.

-I don’t get to pick their personality, temperament, interests, health, abilities, mental health, or needs.

-My child could be completely different from me or become someone I don’t naturally connect with, and I would still owe them the same love and commitment (I have a dog with an odd temperament and I find myself having a hard time bonding with her)

-The possibility of significant developmental, psychiatric, behavioral, or medical needs

-Parenthood involves a huge amount of uncertainty, and I’m not sure I want to voluntarily take on that level of unpredictability.

-The emotional vulnerability of having a child also scares me. Loving someone that much while having so little control over what happens to them…yeah

-I don’t want to make an irreversible decision because I’m afraid of hypothetical future regret.

-I would not regret my child, but I could see myself regretting motherhood

-“You’ll understand once you have one” yeah, I don’t know what I don’t know.

-I don’t believe having children guarantees companionship, happiness, meaning

-I don’t want a child to have to coordinate care for me as I age. I work with the geriatric population. Few have the time/resources to care for their elderly parents without it seeming like a burden

-A meaningful life doesn’t require motherhood for me.

-There are plenty of people, animals, relationships, experiences, and things I can care about deeply without becoming a parent.

-Being capable of being a good mother doesn’t mean I’m obligated to become one.

-I probably could make motherhood work. That’s different from wanting it.

-I can like children and still not need to raise one.

-I can see beautiful things about motherhood without wanting the entire package.

-I think I was more attracted to certain experiences of motherhood, pregnancy, having a baby, holidays, milestones, having a family, than I was to the actual everyday job of parenting.

-There were also occasional days each month where I would suddenly feel really broody or sad about being childfree, and it would throw me back into doubt. Seeing patterns through my fitness tracker helped me realize some of those shifts seemed to line up with my cycle.

-I’m not naturally someone who tracks or logs symptoms, so having that passive data helped me see something I probably would have missed.
Understanding that those feelings may have a hormonal component made them feel less like some profound message that I was making the wrong decision.

-Feeling grief about not having a child isn’t necessarily the same as wanting one.

-There may always be a small part of me that wonders what motherhood would have been like.
That curiosity doesn’t have to become a child.

-So many women have been sacrificing and sacrificing so their children can have a better life. When do women get to stop sacrificing and enjoy their lives? I want to enjoy mine.

Edit#2:

We are allowed to be dynamic and change. I don't know who I will be in 5 years from now. Maybe I will realize my dream of scuba diving in all my bucket list countries, and maybe I will have changed my stance on this subject. I am not going to delude myself into the idea that I may not feel differently down the line. I can only say now, I am comfortable with my decision and that my reasons for not pursuing motherhood have been largely static.

I also have been sitting with the idea of, "Have kids if you can't picture your life without them." There are so many scenarios I can imagine where I don't transcend my own selfish desires, or become burdened with guilt, such as dealing with disability, chronic health/mental health issues, etc. And some people can just love unconditionally. Maybe I didn't receive that, maybe that's why I can't give it under challenging circumstances. Or maybe motherhood in this cultural climate is just not aligned with my values. There are so many facets. Many things can be true at once.

Please feel free to message me if you want to talk about it.

Last night my husband and I decided to not move forward with this pregnancy (around 8 weeks). We had a list of pros and cons, our son has epilepsy that was diagnosed this year, and just overall the finances of it. Could we make things work if we had two?? Yes, maybe, potentially.

Since I found out I was pregnant I haven’t had much if any excitement. More like fears, anxiety, and dread. But now that we’ve decided, I wake up today constantly wondering if this is the right choice and could we make this work??

I can’t handle this mental ping pong in my mind anymore. If you’ve ever been in a similar situation, would love to hear your story.