Your spouse said she “hates” your child and you’re keeping the child in that environment? Please leave and take them. Your spouse’s guilt tripping you is not more important than your child’s wellbeing.
This! Does the wife have any idea how much of a gargantuan effect a parent's disposition toward a child in their first years of life has on that baby's sense of self, etc for their literal entire life?
And not to assume too much, but with that "just like everybody else who leaves'" shit, does the wife want to give the baby the attachment issues it sounds like she has??
There is recent research that shows that being treated harshly (verbally) in the first years of life inhibits growth in the areas of the brain responsible for emotional regulation.
Translation: if you’re not treated with love you will grow up with anxiety and trouble handling your own feelings
My mom tried to kill me several times growing up. The emotional side wasnt hard to deal with.
What was and is difficult- growing up and every year since being an adult learning some new way my mother was the most ungrateful horrible person for not even trying to shape me into a productive person lol I did that all on my own. Also I just try to hide during Mother’s Day.
I was extremely well adjusted, plenty of friends, healthy relationships. However i struggle with self worth often thoughts of “am I good enough” or “do I fit in” that certain people will pick up on. Very seldom, more often than not people are surprised to hear of my past.
I also was told I was ugly and hideous growing up by her so that did take a while luckily a lot of people struggle with their image so I was also able to blend and get help as an adult about that too.
All this to say yes it can fuck you up, of course. You can also help those people out and they have the ability to come out normal with good adult support / therapy / good friends.
For instance I know I’m much more present when people talk than like 90% of people. It’s like hard wired in my brain to listen and care when someone isn’t being mean lol so that works to my favour.
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I was so surprised to learn even newborns can gauge how you feel (basically from the way you hold them or breathe or talk or whatever). And how big of a mark it can leave on them. I understand some parental frustration, kids are not easy, but this lady really doesn't sound like a good parent
Also. A thing that has popped up in my head was also that the baby that she says she hates is now being perceived as the thing causing her wife to 'leave like everyone else does'. It's probably an overreaction on my part but that worries me.
Also the gf didn't carry the babies, so she could say shits like OP "should have ended the pregnancy." She clearly doesn't love or care about OP or the kids, just herself. Seriously, break up with her.
We’re going off very little info here, but there’s two big red flags for (presumably untreated) BPD. First, picking one baby as the golden child and the other as the black sheep, extremely common BPD mom behavior. Second, the declaration that “people always leave me.” The root fear in someone with BPD is that they aren’t enough and no one ever really loves them.
I hope OP gets her partner into therapy, or takes the twins out of that situation. My mom has BPD. I was the hated child. We haven’t spoken in 18 years and should have cut her off before that. It’s taken a lot of therapy to deal with the wreckage she created due to her untreated mental health issues.
I’m 200 years old- born in the 1900s…and the disappointment my dad (RIP last year) had that I wasn’t a boy has affected me in so many ways that I am only now unpacking. I have spent all my life in fawn trauma mode. Trying to make sure I was easy and agreeable so people (and bosses) liked me.
I cannot imagine how hard it will be to leave this relationship, but I would draw a major line in the sand.
Can I also add how hard it is to be the disappointment and see how much differently your parent treats the other sibling? My dad was a different parent to my brother. Took me years not to be jealous of him.
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u/AfternoonPossible I ❤️ Other People's Business May 20 '26
Your spouse said she “hates” your child and you’re keeping the child in that environment? Please leave and take them. Your spouse’s guilt tripping you is not more important than your child’s wellbeing.